Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: David Lemieux (page 1 of 7)

A Spirited ’76

FUN FACT: In Canada, box sets come in a bag.

FILCH FACT: If you don’t buy the new 5-show June ’76 collection, then I can’t steal it.

Brieuxery

Hey, award-winning Grateful Dead archivist David Lemieux. Whatcha doing?

“Enjoying a delicious beer from the Dogfish Brewery.”

They taking care of you?

“Lovely people. Before, we drank a schnitzelbock.”

I have no idea what that is.

“Like, nine bocks. Maybe ten. A meaty-tasting beer.”

Ew.

“And upwards of 20 proof.”

Dave–

“David.”

–I do not understand these kind of beers. They taste awful and you can only drink two of ’em before you’re plowed.

“It’s for beer snobs. They like ’em because normal people would think they’re awful. It’s like how music snobs all like Captain Beefheart.”

Good analogy.

“And then we had an ale so pale it was clear. I’m pretty sure that was just water with a couple shots of grain alcohol poured in. But the bottle was real sweet-looking. Had one of those doohickeys that keeps the top attached. Like on a Grolsch bottle, but better.”

Better how?

“You could control it from your phone. It had Bluetooth.”

As a beer bottle should.

“And we drank a couple of hefecrunchen.”

What?

“Usually, beer is barley, yeast, hops, and water. But you can swap out the grain and still get beer. Wheat works. Rice, too. Hefecrunchen is made from fermented Captain Crunch.”

That sounds vile.

“No, it’s fruity. As you’d expect, it’s a morning beer.”

There’s no such thing as a “morning beer.” That’s called alcoholism.

“I’m not talking about first thing. Pre-lunch.”

Still alcoholism.

“You’re a puritan. That’s absurd. Getting greased for lunch is the right of every Canadian man, woman, and child with straight A’s.”

It’s nice you place such an emphasis on education.

“Gotta coach ’em up right.”

Any other silly beers to tell me about?

“Only the kompressorpilsener.”

Which is?

“The final step in the brewing process is distillation.”

That makes it whisky. That’s not beer anymore.

“Explains why I’m hammered.”

Yeah. Compliment your buddy on his rope bracelet.

“Don’t worry about the rope bracelet.”

Real-Time Thoughts On David Lemieux’s 2020 Subscription Video

  • Dave comes thiiiiiiiis close to ranking the months by his personal preference.
  • Take a step back, Dave.
  • Not because the folks up front are getting kinda squashed, but because the top of your head is cut off.
  • Maybe you should have someone help you with these?
  • Like your wife, Regina.
  • Or one of your children, Gordie, Girl Gordie, Northstar, Jean-Luc, Fleece, and the twins, Billie and Mickie.
  • David Lemieüxtleycrüe is too thin.
  • Is it Canorexia?
  • (Canorexia is the Canadian version of anorexia, in which the sufferer refuses to put maple syrup on anything.)
  • Bird.
  • I would contribute to a GoFundMe that hired a guy in a Sea Monster suit to lurch out of the water behind DL and attack him while he’s talking about 1973.
  • “GGGGRRRRRR!”
  • DAVE RUNS OUT OF FRAME
  • MONSTER FOLLOWS
  • DAVE RUNS BACK
  • “…but don’t forget the first set of…”
  • DAVE RUNS OUT OF FRAME
  • MONSTER FOLLOWS
  • DAVE RUNS BACK
  • “…Comes Sunshine is a lot more jazzy than…”
  • Etc.
  • Go buy a subscription.

Remember: If You Don’t Buy It, I Can’t Steal It

The new Dave’s Pick went on pre-order today, or maybe yesterday or last week; I do not pay attention all that closely, Enthusiasts. Regardless: it is on sale now at the Dead’s site, and should be purchased. If you need more encouragement than my simple say-so, then watch David Lemieuxkiewilson take 12 minutes to say what can be boiled down to 6 words: Life is short; listen to ’73.

OR

Let’s play everybody’s favorite fun game: What’s in Dave’s pouches?

  • Several loose handfuls of homemade gorp.
  • Notebook labeled Possible Locations for Future Videos with “by a pool,” “in a water park” and “hot tub time” written inside.
  • Moose repellent
  • Moose attractant.
  • First set, 7/1/85 (Healy Ultramatrix, 2nd gen, Maxell XLII90).
  • Yo-yo with a Stealie on it.
  • 8×10 color glossy of the Trailer Park Boys, autographed by Bubbles.
  • Waterproof pouch containing a notarized form reading If I get eaten by a bear or swept away by the river…please don’t release the Horn Shows.
  • One of those bars of soap made from steel.
  • Avocado.
  • One-hitter in a l’abris des joueurs.

Come The Rockin’ Stroke Of Dawn, The Whole Place Is Gonna Fly-Fish

Hey, Grateful Dead archivist David Lemieux. Whatcha doing?

“I think it’s pretty obvious what I’m doing.”

Fishing?

“Yeah.”

Okay.

“Check this guy out. He’s a chum salmon.”

Are they called that due to their friendliness?

“No.”

What do you like best about fishing?

“Oh, everything. Standing balls-deep in freezing water, being quiet for hours on end, waking up real early. It’s heaven.”

We have vastly different ideas of heaven, Dave.

“David. And don’t forget the ever-present possibility of a bear attack.”

It sounds like a nightmare, honestly.

“What’s not to like?”

Everything you just said. Plus, I like to pretend that animals don’t have to die in order for me to eat meat.

“That’s unbelievably childish.”

So be it. How cold is that water?

“Two.”

Celsius?

“Yeah. But, you know, you double and add 30 to get to Fahrenheit, so that would be 34. No matter which scale you use, the water is basically fast-moving ice.”

Yuck. How did Election Day go for you?

“Great. We both voted.”

Both?

“Salmon have the franchise in Canada. Funny story: they got the vote before our First Nations folks did.”

Sounds right. Can moose vote?

“No.”

Why not?

“Can’t fit in the booths.”

There’s the punchline.

Catch Of The Dave

“…”

“…”

“…”

Are you gonna fuck–

“I’m not gonna fuck the fish.”

–that fish? It’s okay if you do.

“It is not in any way okay for me, or anyone else, to have sex with a fish.”

What if the fish wants it? Some fish are slutty.

“They’re not.”

Mackarel gotta have it.

“This conversation isn’t going anywhere interesting, is it?”

You could plug the Giants Stadium box set.

“You just did.”

If you’re not gonna fuck the fish, what are you gonna do with it?

“It’s dinner, man. Me, my wife–”

Regina.

“–and our seven children–”

Gordie, Girl Gordie, Jean-Luc, Northstar, Fleece, and the twins, Billie and Mickie.

“–are gonna chow down. Sushi Canadian-style.”

What’s that?

“You savagely consume the fish while crouching in an icy river. And there’s gotta be a fistfight over who gets the eyeballs. That’s just tradition.”

That’s a rough tradition, Dave.

“David. And, yeah. We’re a tough people, the Canadians. We gotta be: technically, where we live is uninhabitable. Humans just aren’t supposed to be this far north.”

So go south.

“Right, yeah, about that: the land we occupy is uninhabitable, but all the countries to our south are far more uninhabitable. I’m staying here.”

I can’t argue.

“…”

“…”

“…”

Stick your dick–

“We’re done.”

–in its mouth.

The Giants Stadium Box Set: An FAQ

Oh, has there been a new box set announced?

Yes, there has. It’s five shows from the venerable and now-gone Giants Stadium in New Jersey.

You can’t be any more specific than “in New Jersey?”

It was in a swamp in New Jersey. For purposes of taxation and postal service, the venue was technically in East Rutherford, but Giants Stadium wasn’t anywhere near East Rutherford. It was in a swamp and you could only get there via a superhighway.

A swamp?

They paved it.

Sure. Which shows?

One from ’87, two from ’89, and two from ’91 including the Dark Star Tease show.

Eyes opener, braj.

Eyes opener.

One small question. 

Anything for you, Boldy.

The picture you’ve posted is of the 9/2/78 show at Giants Stadium, which was the Dead’s first appearance at the venue and also a cash-grab before Egypt.

It is, yes.

You didn’t mention the ’78 when you listed the box set’s contents.

No, because the ’78 is not included in the new box set and DAVID LEMIEUX OWES ME AN EXPLANATION.

He doesn’t owe you anything except his best effort at archivisting.

I want an explanation and a letter of apology.

Didn’t the Dead have other dates at Giants Stadium beside the five on the box set and ’78?

The Grateful Dead visited the Meadowlands Sports Complex to play the big room eight more times after ’91.

So why aren’t you bitching about those shows not being included?

Because they sucked. It would be morally wrong to ask Deadheads to pay for those ’95 shows. Not as wrong as a $3,000 blanket with a Stealie slapped on it, but still wrong. The ’78 show was good, dammit.

Did David Lemieuxa’dib release a charmingly folksy video announcing the box set? Perhaps he explains the exclusion of the ’78 in that.

Perhaps!

Didn’t you watch it?

I did.

Were you fucking around on your phone the entire time David was speaking?

I was.

You’re a dillweed.

Granted.

[A TOTD SIDENOTE} Dave is too skinny. Canadians have usually begun to pack on their winter fat by this point. I fear DL is not catching enough salmon, and I blame this all on Climate Change.

Ships Of A Fool

Enthusiasts, I have been stumped. Befuddled. Codswalloped, even. Grateful Dead archivist David Lemieuxveitonoverslideitonover noted today on Twitter that he saw “one of his favorite boats.” This sizzled my synapses, friends! First of all because DL was not posting about moose. (The man’s feed is easily 65% moose-related content. I’m not making one of my little Ha ha, he’s Canadian jokes here: the man sees, photographs, and uploads maybe nine or ten moose a day. Do the creatures seek him out as though he were St. Francois of Assisi?  he speak to the moose like some sort of Doctor Doolittle? I do not know, and I will do no research to find out.)

The second question is the one his statement begs: Does David Lemieuxvingonuptotheeastside have a list of favorite boats? If so, is this list written down and regularly updated? Did he make a spreadsheet? DL is an archivist, after all. When the man makes a list, he does it right.

The third question, of course, is a simple on: What are the greatest boats in history?

Again, I will do no research; instead, I will use the opportunity to make up some bullshit and–almost certainly–tell some “poop deck” jokes. Thoughts on the Dead now presents:

BOATS, RANKED

ONE: LOVE BOAT Best boat. All hands down. Yeah, the Celeste Marie is spooooooooky and all, but the Pacific Princess welcomed Charo onboard eight times. (Okay, I did a little bit of research, but since it’s such a dumb topic, it technically doesn’t count.) Plus, the Princess went to sunny Acapulco and never fired torpedoes at anyone. The ship also had a Lido Deck, which means that it was always appropriate to blast this Boz Scaggs rocker:

Enthusiasts, we now come to the rarest of all occasions here at Fillmore South: LISTICLE WITHIN A LISTICLE:

BOZZES, RANKED

  1. Boz Scaggs.
  2. Bosley from Charlie’s Angels. (John Forsythe version.)
  3. Brian Bosworth.
  4. Bosley from Charlie’s Angels. (Bill Murray version.)
  5. T-Boz from TLC.
  6. Ah, shit.
  7. Hold up.
  8. Wait a minute, wait a minute.
  9. Apparently, Charles Dickens was known to his friends and family as “Boz.”
  10. And, you know: Dickens has to ranked above Brian Bosworth in any honest assay.
  11. It’s fucking Dickens.
  12. I should change it, but then I’d have to reformat a bunch of bullshit.
  13. Enthusiasts, I’ll be honest: I have made a complete hash of this post.
  14. Boz Burrell. (He was in King Crimson, and I’m only including him because one specific Commentator would get all pissy if I left him out.)
  15. BACK TO THE BOATS!

TWO: THE HOUSEBOAT WHERE DON JOHNSON LIVED IN MIAMI VICE Don Johnson’s character on the hit cop drama, Sonny Crockett, was the result of a coked-up 12-year-old’s brainstorming session: he lived on a boat with his pet alligator named Elvis, drove a Ferrari (on a cop’s salary, somehow), and was allergic to socks.

THREE: THE HOUSEBOAT WHERE SHEL SILVERSTEIN LIVED AND HAD JAM SESSIONS WITH DR. HOOK & THE MEDICINE SHOW Shel Silverstein wrote children’s books. Real good ones, too. He didn’t treat the kids like dumbfucks, and he snuck a lot of Buddhism in there while no one was looking. He wrote The Giving Tree, and Where The Sidewalk Ends, and dozens more. Drew the cartoons in the books, too. Spindly, scratchy pen drawings.

And he wrote songs. Big hits. Boy Named Sue is his. Johnny Cash composed a lot of his own material, but not that one. Queen of the Silver Dollar got recorded by a bunch of artists, but Cousin Emmylou did it best:

The bulk of the songwriting Shel did, though, was for Dr. Hook & the Medicine Show, which was–and this a scientifically prove fact–the most unpleasant-looking band ever formed. I don’t mean “goofy-looking.” Rush was goofy-looking. DH&tMS was flat-out ugly.

Here, look:

They were on the houseboat because local authorities had banished them from the land. That’s how ugly this band was. Sang real purty, though.

(AN ASIDE: Everyone who lives on a houseboat is a sex maniac. Normal people do not live on boats. The marina is full of weirdos and perverts.)

FOUR: VENICE TAXI FROM INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE Look at this boat, and answer one question:

Would you fuck that boat? How about now?

You’d fuck that boat. Don’t lie to me, boatfucker.

NOT A BOAT AND THEREFORE NOT NUMBER FIVE: RED OCTOBER Submarines aren’t boats. I know they are colloquially referred to as such, and that the Navy owns a bunch of ’em, but subs are not boats. The entire raison d’etre of a boat is that it stays on top of the water. Samuel Johnson’s entire definition of “boat” was “That which has a great big steering wheel and does not sink.” (In fairness, Dr. Johnson had been working on his dictionary all by himself for around seven years when he wrote that and was at least half-crazed.) Red October and her whisper-drive was super-bitchin’, but subs are not boats and so she cannot be on this list.

SIX: THIS PARTICULAR JET SKI

I will never not laugh at that picture.

SIX: U.S.S. INDIANAPOLIS

Japanese submarine slammed two torpedoes into our side, chief. It was comin’ back, from the island of Tinian to Laytee, just delivered the bomb. The Hiroshima bomb. Eleven hundred men went into the water. Vessel went down in twelve minutes. Didn’t see the first shark for about a half an hour. Tiger. Thirteen footer. You know how you know that when you’re in the water, chief? You tell by lookin’ from the dorsal to the tail.

What we didn’t know… was our bomb mission had been so secret, no distress signal had been sent. Huh huh. They didn’t even list us overdue for a week.

Very first light, chief. The sharks come cruisin’. So we formed ourselves into tight groups. You know it’s… kinda like ol’ squares in battle like a, you see on a calendar, like the battle of Waterloo. And the idea was, the shark comes to the nearest man and that man, he’d start poundin’ and hollerin’ and screamin’ and sometimes the shark would go away. Sometimes he wouldn’t go away. Sometimes that shark, he looks right into you. Right into your eyes. You know the thing about a shark, he’s got…lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll’s eye. When he comes at ya, doesn’t seem to be livin’. Until he bites ya and those black eyes roll over white. And then, ah then you hear that terrible high pitch screamin’ and the ocean turns red and spite of all the poundin’ and the hollerin’ they all come in and rip you to pieces.

Y’know by the end of that first dawn, lost a hundred men! I don’t know how many sharks, maybe a thousand! I don’t know how many men, they averaged six an hour. On Thursday mornin’ chief, I bumped into a friend of mine, Herbie Robinson from Cleveland. Baseball player, boson’s mate. I thought he was asleep, reached over to wake him up. Bobbed up and down in the water, just like a kinda top. Up ended. He’d been bitten in half below the waist.

Noon the fifth day, Mr. Hooper, a Lockheed Ventura saw us. He’s a young pilot, a lot younger than Mr. Hooper, anyway he saw us and come in low. And three hours later a big fat PBY comes down and start to pick us up. You know that was the time I was most frightened? Waitin’ for my turn. I’ll never put on a lifejacket again.

So, eleven hundred men went in the water, three hundred and sixteen men come out, the sharks took the rest, June the 29, 1945.

Anyway, we delivered the bomb.

And I can’t beat that writing, so I won’t try.

Two Things…

THING THE FIRST: This is Bill Hicks, and he’s dead now. People used to compare him to Sam Kinison, as they were both from Houston’s comedy scene and cursed a lot. It was, in retrospect, a facile comparison.

THING THE FIRST: If you wanna talk shit about David Lemieux in the Comment Section, it’ll cost you $100. There’s only one person here with Free Speech™,  and it’s me. I am, however, a money-grubber and a whore, so I can be bribed. Tickle the Donate Button to the tune of a hundo, and you can say whatever you want about DL (or anyone else I am fond of). Otherwise, to the Spam folder you go. A man’s gotta have principles.

Seaside Rendezvous

Like clockwork, Enthusiasts! The Grateful Dead Organization does not take breaks, especially now that it’s been purchased by Disney. Four releases a year, plus a big box set and maybe a little one, and all of it on time and under budget. It’s amazing how much more professional the band is since it broke up.

In this latest installment of David Lemieux Talks About The Dead By A Lake, we learn that the next Dave’s Pick will be 12/3/79 from Chicago’s Uptown Theatre–which is pronounced thee-ATE-uhr–and it is a spectacular show from an overlooked year. It is IMPOSSIBLE not to enjoy ’79, unless you were an American in Iran. Then, you have a rather compelling reason to not like 1979. The rest of us can simply crank up the choogle.

And what choogle it is! A Jack-A-Roe! An 11-minute Althea! A Lazy Lightnin’>Supplication AND a Sailor>Saint! A Scarlet-Fire that is almost, but not quite, as long as Dave’s video! (I’m not making that up, but you can do the math yourself if you want to.)

Enthusiasts, you know how we here at Fillmore South feel about David Lemieuxseatemysister: he is an island of competence in a sea of dumbfuckery; an oasis of cheer in a desert of shitty cranks. He’s a fella you could leave with your sister. Even the slutty one.

This love and respect does not, of course, preclude goofing on him.

THINGS DAVID LEMIEUX BECOMES DISTRACTED BY DURING THE VIDEO

  • Birds.
  • The lake.
  • His own sunglasses.
  • The fact that Katherine and Audrey Hepburn were not related.
  • Some kid nearby starts flying a kite, and David is TRANSFIXED.
  • He just stares for, like, 90 seconds.
  • Open mouth, the whole shebang.
  • Attacked by a randy beaver.
  • Attacked by Randy Beaver. (Guy who lives down the street from David. Not right in the head.)
  • More birds.
  • Noticed the lake again.
  • The intractable conundrum that is man’s inhumanity to man.
  • Even more birds.
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