I didn’t know Colonel Sanders was into psychedelics now.
“This is not–”
It’s like your friends are having a contest to see who can dress the worst.
“This man happens to be–”
Is Supreme for people other than douchebags now? Because up until the moment I started writing this sentence, the brand was exclusively worn by douchebags.
“Supreme is an iconic brand of streetwear that pioneered–”
What’s the point of a private plane if there’s gonna be hobos on it?
“He’s not a hobo, he’s–”
You look like the paper we took geometry tests on.
“This suit is by–”
CELL PHONE NOISE
“I just don’t like you.”
Yeah, yeah. Complain to EDM Tom Bombadil over there. Pick up the phone.
“Gee, I wonder who this is.”
I think we both know.
…
“Yes, Kim Jong-Un?”
“Hot Dog Dick!”
“Is that Josh Meyers? I freejacked him once and almost destroyed the world in a Time War, and people have been talking about ever since. No one does Time Wars better than me, and that’s figuring for all of the illegitimate attacks on my Time War skills by the haters and losers who are very dumb.”
“Oh, shit.”
“Me and Dotard rage, bro.”
“Obama couldn’t do this. Peace. between America and North Korea, I mean.”
“Only Korea.”
“Tried and failed. Everything the man did was a failure and I have to clean up his mess. Obama probably couldn’t do this referring to swimming, either. Not great swimmers.”
“KJ?”
“Little Potato?”
“Could you swim away from him for a moment?”
“Can do.
ONLY KOREAN DOG PADDLING NOISE
“You no make dog joke.”
“I wouldn’t think of it.”
“Fatty no stop talking. Also think he peeing in pool. Water suspiciously warm around him.”
“He’s almost certainly peeing in the pool. Why are you two in the pool?”
“Have to wash off bitch-stink.”
“Ugh.”
“Got bitch juice all over. We go through half-dozen. Bing bang bing.”
“Dude, don’t say ‘Bing bang whatever.’ That’s his thing.”
“I steal. Is fun. I point, say Bing bang, whole family disappear. Fun.”
“That’s not fun.”
“Is fun if you homicidal maniac without any tether to reality.”
“True. So, lemme ask you: anything actually get accomplished at this summit?”
“I get picture with US President.”
“Besides that.”
“I fuck bitches.”
“That’s a given.”
“Only Korean scientists invent super-viagara. Dick-skin can barely hold in bone.”
“Stop telling me these things.”
“You want see? Is short but thick. Like stack of silver dollar pancakes.”
“Please stop it.”
CALL WAITING NOISE
“You hold.”
“I don’t want to hold! Don’t put me–”
CLICK
“Can’t have fun without Kim Jong-Un.”
“Oh, thank God you picked up. I mean, you’re a version of God, Your Powerfulness, but I also meant the other God. I’m just so happy to talk to you because…the things they’re saying about you…about us…I just can’t….”
“STOP CRY!”
“This is a very emotional time for me, Your Delicacy. I believed in peace when no one else did…and then the cruelty of the fake news…why do they hate us…is it because we love too much?”
“Sure, yeah, maybe. Could be other reasons, but probably ‘love too much’ thing.”
ONLY KOREAN MAN IMITATING THE CALL WAITING NOISE SOUND
“Oh, no. Gotta go. Talk later, Worm.”
“What hotel are you guys staying–”
CLICK
“Hot Dog Dick?”
“Yes.”
“Worm change, man. That guy no fun. Cry all time. Black men get menopause?”
“No. Of course black men don’t get menopause.”
“Hey, I only know one black guy.”
“Sure.”
“Come Singapore. We party. I get Dummy to do stuff. We laugh.”
“I’m through laughing at any of this.”
“You and readers.”
“What?”
“Nothing. Come rage. Bring your Santamonster.”
DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES NO LONGER DO THAT
“The summit’s over, y’know. So we can stop this.”
But I have more pictures.
“Die.”
One day.
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