“Hi-vis or hi-Visvim?”
Very clever.
“I kid, of course. Cops couldn’t afford my clothes. This jacket? Four grand.”
Why?
“So that only rich people can wear it. Duh.”
How foolish of me.
“Dude, between you and me?”
Sure.
“This white guy’s a mess.”
He is, right?
“There’s no skew to him. Completely askew.”
He looks like Alex Jones and current-day Val Kilmer had a baby, and then ate the baby and fused together into a super-bloated dude, and then became a cop.
“I guess, okay.”
So how’s the tour going?
“Really well! We’re doing some new numbers and Bobby is in great–”
CELL PHONE NOISE
“–voice and…you didn’t care about the tour. You were lulling me into a false sense of security before some maniacal idiot calls me, weren’t you?”
Yes. Exactly what you said.
“Asshole.”
Again: you are correct.
…
“This is John Mayer.”
“What the fuck, bro? That’s how you answer the phone? I been getting death threats and that’s how you answer the phone? What the…I don’t…”
“Who is this and why are you crying?”
“It’s the Worm. I’m on CNN. Say hi to Chris Cuomo.”
“Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve just been informed that John Mayer is on the line.”
“Goddammit.”
“John, can you lay out for the audience what your thoughts on the Trump/Kim summit are?”
“Um, not really.”
“I’ll speak for John, Chris.”
“Dennis Rodman does not speak for me, Chris.”
“What John means to say is that he loves Kim Jong-Un, because President Kim has a good heart. You hear all these things in the fake news about starving or nukes or this and that and all of that is because very powerful players want North Korea to be the bad guy. But he’s not the bad guy…he’s just not…why do you all talk so bad about my Kimmy Jay…I can’t…I just can’t….”
“John Mayer, 1991’s NBA Defensive Player of the Year Dennis Rodman is once again crying over his love for North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un. Your thoughts?”
“I think I’m gonna hang up the phone.”
“Is Bobby there? Maybe Bob Weir has a hot take on the summit.”
DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES NO LONGER DO THAT
“Why do you do this to me?”
Boredom, jealousy, irascibility.
“Stop it.”
No.
“Please?”
Okay.
CELL PHONE NOISE
“Dick!”
Yup.
…
“What?”
“This how answer phone? Is not cool.”
“Dammit. Hey, Kim Jong-Un.”
“You talk to Worm? We hook up later. Rage so hard.”
“Sounds fun.”
“That guy fucks.”
“I’m sure he does.”
“Like force of nature. Ruins bitches.”
“Let’s not get misogynist here.”
“Tough not to here. Is capital of sin.”
“Singapore? No. It’s like the opposite of that. They cane you for chewing gum in Singapore. You’re thinking of Bangkok.”
“For realsies?”
“Yup.”
“Motherfucker. I have schedulers starved to death.”
“Good idea.”
“You come here, Little Potato. You , me, Worm, ‘Ye. We all party.”
“No, I’m not going to…wait. ‘Ye is there?”
“He with Worm.”
“COME TO SINGAPORE, LITTLE POTATO. I DID NOT BRING ANY OF MY MEDICATION AND HAVE MANY IDEAS.”
“My man ‘Ye…people say such bad things about him, but I know what a kind soul he has…why do they say such horrible things…it makes me so sad…I just can’t…I can’t….”
“DENNIS RODMAN’S TEARS ARE MADE OF WIZARDS.”
“I’m hanging up again.”
“BILLIONAIRES ARE SELLING FLAMETHROWERS AND THAT IS A THING THAT IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING.”
“Hot Dog Dick?”
“You’re still on the line?”
“Am always listening. You come. We rage. Want to come in to the summit? I say you are translator. Dotard believe.”
“I don’t want to pretend to be your translator.”
“Father invent translator.”
DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES DO NOT DO THAT ANY MORE
“I’m not answering the phone again tonight.”
Aw.
First, hearing Bobby sing The Weight, now this? Help me Jesus. And was Josh wearing his gramma’s bedjacket with his signature Hammer pants tonight?
This is the first take on the summit that did not make me physically nauseous. Kinda wish Phil was on the East coast right now. My in-laws are in Israel, and I just realized the irony of that being “safe.” Of course I hope ALL my friends and family on the west coast are safe, but I wish Phil was east right now.