Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2dhPyipbnMs
First they came for the racists, and I did not speak up–
Because I was not a racist.
Then they came for the sexists, and I did not speak up–
Because I was not a sexist.
Then they came for the Anti-Semites, and I did not speak up–
Because I am not an Anti-Semite.
And after those fuckers were rounded up,
Things improved dramatically.
“Look at this, great. Huge. Everywhere I go, there’s tremendous crowds, the biggest crowds. Everywhere Hillary goes, she has Parkinson’s disease. That’s the difference between us, aside from the fact that she’s Satan and only I can save America. Big crowd, big crowd, great.
“Press is right over there, can you see them? Some of them are wearing little hats? I can’t see, maybe. They all work for Hillary and they lie. They lie, folks. Lyin’ press, that’s what I call them. I do great things, perfect things, and they lie. They say I lost the debate. How can anyone say that? Hillary gets the questions ahead of time. Chris Wallace–who is a real loser, father would be ashamed, bad guy–was shining a laser pointer in my eyes. Camera didn’t catch it. I wonder why? Did Hillary the Ripper have the cameraman murdered?
“I’m gonna bring jobs back, all the jobs. I’m gonna teach the blacks to read, all the blacks. Terrorists have to die. First day! All the terrorists are dead, but I won’t tell you how I’m going to do it. Smart. Hillary, who is not smart and smells like an old lady, is going to start World War III. I have heard audio of her discussing this. ‘I’m gonna launch the bombs the minute I’m inaugurated.’ That’s what she said, believe me, I heard it. She hates you so much, Hillary. She’s a wicked devil person.
“She throws more women at me, more lying women. Say I grabbed them, all lies. Fiction. Not one hot one! Best was a six, and I only grab eights and up. I never grabbed a woman in my life, but if I did it would be a hot one, very hot. A porn star! They got porn stars coming out and lying now. I’m gonna grab a porn star? Cmon. Why would I grab one when I could just buy one? C’mon. Many women have told me that I could do porn. My equipment. Porn caliber, many women have said that.
“I’m already winning the election. Early voting that’s what they call it. The returns? Tremendous, just tremendous. Never seen so many returns. I keep getting calls from the government, from the people in charge of the voting, ‘Mr. Trump, you’re winning.’ Every day I get these calls, many calls, people who do the voting. ‘They’re gonna steal it from you, Mr. Trump.’ I keep getting that call, too. Caller ID says the White House. Is Obama getting drunk and confessing to me his terrible sins? If he is, he’s a very bad Muslim.
“After this rally, which is enormous, I’m going up north to Tampa. I will win Florida just like I’ve won everything this year. I beat 16 opponents in the primary. Hillary only beat Bernie because she cheated. I won the debate when I exposed her as a puppet, everyone told me that. Hillary is Russia’s puppet, and everyone in Aleppo is dead because of her. Terrible job in Iraq, in Aleppo. Qatar gives Hillary 20 million dollars, and then honors her by strapping homosexuals to the outside of cars and having a demolition derby. They let her drive one of the cars! The press doesn’t report on this!
“America is dying, folks. Just like Hillary, who is also dying. Jobs are gone. Jobs have been replaced by regulations, believe me. Clowns everywhere. Hillary wants open borders, how many clowns are we gonna have by the side of the road then? The clowns are bringing drugs, heroin. Ever see Hillary in a short-sleeve shirt? Track marks? Could be, could be. Is Crooked Hillary a junkie? Maybe that’s why she started ISIS, for the drugs. How many dead people will be voting in this election, which is rigged? Are they even citizens? That’s how crooked Crooked Hillary is: she hires foreign dead people to vote. What about jobs for American corpses?
“I don’t even know where Russia is. Putin this, Putin that: I don’t even know his first name. I have no idea where Russia is, so I should be president. I hear he’s a tough guy, smart. I want everyone to get along, be friends. Why can’t we be friends with Putin? He’s said some nice things about me, and also wants to dismantle NATO. Things in common, great. Putin has no respect for Hillary, which makes him smart. How do you say ‘bitch’ in Russian? That’s what he calls her, however you say it.
“Every day another Wikileak comes out. My ten-year-old shows them to me on the cyber. Very bad! This John Podesta, people should go to his house and burn it down. Bad guy! Sends thugs to my rallies to hit people, start fights. Always second-hand with these people, sneaky. Can’t be trusted! Why doesn’t Hillary do things herself, why does she always let others do her dirty work like a dog? She should fight me like a man, I could take her. Easy, I could take her easy. I’ve never hit a woman, but I would punch Hillary Clinton because I love America so much.
“The press is going to twist that, and lie about me. Watch! I come out here and I speak about how terrible America is, and all they’re going to say is ‘Donald Trump wants to punch Hillary,’ which I never said. Never said it, even though she deserves to punched in the face for all the her corruption and lies. The media, which hates you and hates America, is going to pile on. Watch, you’ll see. The New York Times, who I am going to sue, is very bad, which is why I’ll win the lawsuit. Judge’ll see. Bad! People hide behind the First Amendment, maybe we should use the Second Amendment. You know what I mean, but I’m being sarcastic.
“She kills babies! Hillary. Crooked Hillary, who will throw the Pope in jail, wants to kill babies, and many of those babies are blacks. Hispanic babies, latino they like to be called, she’ll kill them. Hillary Clinton loves abortion, folks. While she was working for Richard Nixon, she was also an abortionist. Hillary Clinton put herself through law school with the proceeds from her abortion business. Priests call and thank me for telling the truth about this. Catholic-hating Hillary believes in abortion up until the baby is three years old.
“We’re winning. Lyin’ press won’t tell you, but we’re winning. Running the board. Men, up. Women. Women are voting for me, even the ugly ones. Many people are telling me that the blacks will stop shooting each other and vote for me. Last week, I talked to Indians. I love Hindu, tremendous country, I’m building over there big league. Orientals, they come up to me and bow, so many Orientals. Latinos, hispanic they like to be called, they come up to me, ‘Si, Senor Trump, si.’ Many of them are rapists and drug lords, but the ones who are not are all voting for me.
“Everyone has said there is voter fraud, everyone. Sean Hannity says it all the time. How could I concede the election, which I’m going to win, when there’s such blatant corruption? People should thank me for exposing this, I’m a hero, no one gives me credit. There could be 100 million fake voters, more. Probably not that many. Hillary can’t afford that many. I could afford it, but I would never rig an election, but if I did that would make me smart. And if I did rig the election, then why didn’t Hillary stop me? It’s her fault.
“Folks. Florida. America is dying. Terrible place. Four more years of Obama? We’ll be gone. Gone! I need to be elected to stop everyone from dying. Everyone is going to die, folks. Horrible deaths, real big league deaths, and only I can stop it. Hillary is going to watch and touch herself. She likes that stuff, filth woman. Only I can make America, which is terrible, great. Thank you, Florida!”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZSho_Iwmgc
The world ends not with a whimper, nor with a bang, but with a mispronounced German slur shouted by a yokel over a Backstreet Boy song.
Lügenpresse, it will not shock you to learn, is a German word: it has an umlaut, and umlaut itself is a German word, which means lügenpresse is a German word containing another German word. It’s like a Russian nesting doll, but German. It means “lying press,” denotatively. The connotation is a whole ‘nother thing, you’ve probably guessed.
Maybe the guy in the hat was raised in a German-speaking household, and was innocently sharing some of his culture with his new friend. Perhaps the two men are fans of Angela Merkel’s Christian Democrats and their cautious progressivism. Could be they recognized one of the reporters from De Bild and wanted the reporter to know what they thought of him, even if he didn’t speak English.
Lot of reasons come to mind.
I’m overreacting. Blowing things out of proportion, like I tend to. This is America.
So’s this. Forty-Ninth and Eighth, to be exact. (This is the old Madison Square Garden, which was a mile-and-a-half north of the current one.) 2/20/39: terrible show. Sold out, and though George Washington is on the poster, a man named Fritz Kuhn was at the podium; he was the leader of the American Nazi Party. Nazis sold out the Garden, which was on Forty-Ninth and Eighth, which is in New York City, which is in America.
They had a blast that night, the Nazis, doing Nazi things and saying Nazi stuff. It was a fun night out, at least until it was time to go home. Men were waiting by the exits. Men who do not exist any more in any form, men with no foreskins and broken noses, men with names like Abe “Kid Twist” Reles and Longy Zwillman and Jacob “Gurrah” Shapiro and Louis “Lepke” Buchalter were waiting at the exits. That’s my favorite part of the story, but to linger on it too long is to forget that a couple dozen Jews is less than fifteen thousand Nazis. Sold out the Garden.
To check if there’s gas in the mine, you ask a canary.
Election Night at Fillmore South, Enthusiasts.
(And, if you’ll look right next to the power cord, you’ll see my desk penis.)
Moscow Morning, Midnight-3 AM All the news that Americans need to know from America’s closest ally, Russia. We’ve always been allies with Russia.
Texting with Trump, 3-4 AM Join Mr. Trump as he comments on Hollywood star’s love lives, the weight of his enemies, and the blacks in the most dignified way possible: via Twitter in the middle of the night.
Million Billion-Dollar Movie, 4-6 AM
Watching “The Today Show” With Corey Lewandoski, 6-10 AM Corey Lewandoski watches the Today show on his phone while shrieking “FUCK YOU, CUNT,” over and over at it. (Filling in for Corey this week is Rudy Giuliani.
Ivanka! 11-11:56 AM Like Oprah, but with an icy white lady. No one is getting a car.
Tiffany! 11:56 AM-12 PM Cancelled.
Lunch With Chris Christie 12-1 PM Chris Christie is forced to eat junk food while Donald Jr. and Eric Trump laugh at him and flick at his corrupt man-titties.
Curt Schilling’s Sports Talk, 1-3 PM Trump TV’s daily sports call-in show is a chance for fans to interact with Curt Schilling, who once threw a ball even though he had a boo-boo. Hear Curt’s takes on Colin Kaepernick (traitor), Cam Newton (showboat), and Tom Brady (innocent).
An Obese Woman Hate-Fucking An American Flag, 3-4 PM Highest rated show on the network.
Pussy Gabbers, 4-5 PM Katrina Pierson, AJ Delgado, Ann Coulter, and Kellyanne Conway discuss the day’s events. Some topics from the upcoming weeks are “Staving off hunger pangs with cigarettes”, “Which foreigners are the dirtiest?” and “Maybe she deserved to be raped.”
Hannity, 5-Midnight Sean’s guest tonight, and every night, is Donald J. Trump.
The younger Enthusiasts should watch this: it’s illuminating, and maybe they didn’t get to Nixon in their history class yet. Richard M. Nixon was the 37th President of the United States, the only one to resign the office. He did so to avoid being impeached; he would have certainly been convicted.
(Now, Bill Clinton was actually impeached by the Senate, but he was not convicted, and it must always be mentioned that the impeachment was over a blowjob. Clinton then lied under oath about the blowjob, yes, but I maintain that you are allowed to lie–even under oath–about blowjobs. The very first lie may have been told about a blowjob. Whether you got blown, by whom you got blown, or who you blew: all of these things may be lied about without me thinking any less of you. Sometimes, you gotta lie about a blowjob.)
The articles of Nixon’s impeachment were a bit rougher than Billy’s: the man was a monster. He deployed the IRS and the Justice Department against his enemies, of which there were legion because if you’re the kind of person that sics the IRS on people, then you’re the type of person that acquires a lot of enemies. That’s a self-perpetuating cycle right there.
Nixon inherited the Vietnam War (in many ways a Democratic war), but took to it with zest; he enjoyed bombing Vietnam so much that he had the countries around it, Cambodia and Laos, bombed as well. We were not at war with these countries, and the bombings were done in secret.
His office was full of thugs, some of them still around but most of them dead now: G. Gordon Liddy will live forever, staring the devil in the eye while holding a lit Bic lighter under his palm; every one of them went to jail, except Nixon of course. (Ford pardoned him.) During the ’72 campaign, Nixon hired a bunch of idiots to break into the Watergate Hotel (which is also an office building and condos and there’s a supermarket in there: “hotel” is misleading) and bug the offices of some DNC officials.
Which sounds like a movie, except it was real life and the President of the United States was ordering break-ins and wiretaps of political rivals’ phones, and plus burglars are usually smart in the movies. They’re Danny Ocean or Katherine Zeta-Jones doing yoga through lasers. These guys, as I said, were idiots and so they got caught.
And of course things go south immediately, at least for Nixon. It turns out that the burglars had been paid with funds directly linkable to the president: the money had come from a pot designated for the president’s reelection. I hope you’re still reading, Younger Enthusiasts, because here’s where it starts to go all sideways and loopy. The money for the break-in came from the Committee to Re-Elect the President. They called it CREEP. The creeping was paid for by CREEP.
Dustin Hoffman and Robert Redford figure out what was happening, and the story goes public. Rabble rabble rabble Congress has to do something, and they do, but not before Nixon starts firing everyone, including the Attorney General. He names a new AG, and that AG names a special prosecutor. And when the special prosecutor began special prosecuting, Nixon fired the special prosecutor, too.
And everyone was like, “Well, now what the fuck do we do?”
At this point, it should be noted, there was no direct evidence to link Nixon to the burglars, no memo or whatever, but then during the congressional hearings, a White House assistant named Alexander Butterfield let slip that there was a recording system in the Oval Office. (And Watergate had some great names: Mr. Butterfield, and Archibald Cox, and G. Gordon Liddy, and E. Howard Hunt, and the Sonny and Red West of Nixon’s mafia, Haldeman and Ehrlichman.)
The tapes came out, after the Supreme Court stepped in and ordered them released, and they revealed Nixon engaged in pretty much exactly what he was being accused of: bribes and cover-ups and pay-offs. There was no record of him ordering the initial break-in, but there was also a never-quite-explained gap of 18 minutes in the tapes. Maybe Hillary’s IT staff was archiving it, who knows? Nixon went to his grave denying he gave the order.
And here’s the thing, Younger Enthusiasts: go look up the 1972 presidential election. Y’know what? You don’t have to look it up. Don’t say I never did anything for you. If you don’t want to click, then here’s the important information:
If it were a physical beating, McGovern would have had to relearn how to talk and eat. It was a historic curbstomping, and it was not a come-from-behind victory: Nixon was well ahead the entire time. McGovern was running on a guaranteed minimum income, plus “abortion, amnesty (for draft refusers who went to Canada or wherever, which Carter got around to), and acid.” AND he was from South Dafuckingkota so no one had ever heard of him AND the Democratic party had no money AND his first choice for veep had to drop out due to having undergone electro-convulsive therapy for depression. The race was never close, and yet Nixon’s paranoia still doomed him.
Anyway, you know the rest: Nixon resigned in August of ’74 and famously got his hands chopped off by helicopter blades while trying to make victory signs. He retired to Yorba Linda, California, where he refused to give back frisbees the neighborhood children had tossed onto his long.
“It’s Nixon’s now!” he’d croak at the kids, and laugh.
Richard Nixon was a criminal, and not a specialist: petty crime to war crime, he got through them all during his time in the White House, and the shitstain he left on the office and the culture still hasn’t scrubbed out. He was almost entirely motivated by power, and revenge against his enemies, foreign and domestic, real and imagined, and near the end–just for a moment–he was a clear and present danger to our very republic.
And if I dug the lying fuck up and propped him a chair behind the Resolute desk, with patriotic worms hanging from his rotted jowls, he would still be a better president than Donald Trump.
I heard they’re bringing knives and guns,
So we should bring much larger ones,
We’ll have more ammo, round for round,
And by dawn claim the higher ground.
We’ll keep the bad guy in our sights,
Our weapons will defend our rights.
They’ll bring a squad, us a battalion:
We’re an Armada; they’re a galleon.
Oh, I don’t see why we should wait:
They’re full of fear and full of hate.
“We’ll cause a problem” they have said;
I vote we snatch them from their bed.
They aren’t the types we need no more,
And they think thoughts that we deplore;
It surely must be self-defense
To round up fans of Trump and Pence.
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