Tag: donald trump (Page 22 of 32)

• Mountain Duma.
• Splishy-splashy time.
• A yellow river for an orange man.
• Testing for diabetes.
• A tart and frothy fill-up for my sex mug.
• The hotter the whore, the tangier the pee.
• Moscow micturation.
• “In my eyes, bitch, in my eyes! I paid for in my eyes!”
• You’re soaking in it.
• St. Pee-tersburg.
• Pee-ter the Great.
• Ivanna Tinkle.

• “I mispronounced ‘bigger.'”
• “Those statistics are biased.”
• “I never said I loved the Klan: I said I was in love with the Klan. There is a difference.”
• “Are we discussing violence against women who deserve it, or those who don’t?”
• “I have executed several whites, too.”
• “Most of the Asiatic races deserve rights.”
• “Just because I listed my participation in a case on my resume, and attested to it in the sworn questionnaire, doesn’t mean I participated in the case. You need to look into my heart.”
• “Waterboarding is illegal unless it’s done to someone we are completely sure is a terrorist or a Muslim.”
• “I would not be involved in Hillary Clinton’s trial. She will be jailed without trial.”
• “From the information I have received, the prostitutes were all foreign; that’s a ‘no harm, no foul’ situation there as far as the law is concerned.”
• “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their women.”
• “While I was at the lynching, I did not participate in the lynching. I would like that noted in the record, please.”
• “I would have to measure his skull to know the answer to that.”

A women named Rebecca Ferguson, who is a foreign singer I’ve never heard of, has volunteered to play at Trump’s inauguration. Oddly enough, the President-Elect is having trouble filling the slots for his show, possibly due to being an unqualified sociopath or maybe people just have scheduling conflicts. Ms. Ferguson has added one condition, though: she will only perform if allowed to sing Strange Fruit, which is about lynching and was made famous by Billie Holiday and Nina Simone.

TotD applauds Rebecca Ferguson, whoever the fuck she is, and thinks she has the right idea. In fact, I think I can help. Here are some other performers and what their acts might look like:

• R.E.M. – It’s the End of the World as I know It (And I Feel Fine).
• Anal Cunt – Any song. Literally any single song, just as long as they’re introduced as “Anal Cunt” and the band’s name is written legibly on the bass drum.
• Reanimated Sam Kinison – Ten minutes straight of screaming: OH-OHHH! Not even any material, just screaming.
• Nikolai Volkoff – Soviet National Anthem.
• Extreme Elvis – Dixie. (Google “Extreme Elvis” at your own discretion.)
• DMX – Any song that includes barking, so: any song.
• Charles Manson – Don’t Do Anything Illegal.
• Axl Rose, three hours late – It’s So Easy>Tantrum>Riot.
• Sly Stone, seven hours late – Don’t Call Me Nigger, Whitey.
• Phil & Ned – Seastones.
• G. G. Allin, but not reanimated: the rotted and half-gone corpse of G. G. Allin laid out on a cheap beach chair with an obese Elvis imitator manipulating his jaw so it looks like he’s singing – My Way.*

*It’s what G.G. would have wanted. Honestly, it is.

I have a fear, Enthusiasts. I need some help. Perhaps you can help me: I think this dumb motherfucker is going to crash the U.S. Dollar.

Some of you are professors, and others were officers in the service, and big shot writers and thinkers and people with impressive Twitter bios, too. Couple of you actually know how to build things, or keep large systems working. Folks that have grown businesses, folks that grow food. Most of you are smarter than me: I spent fifteen minutes the other night staring into space trying to think up something to say about Michael Anthony’s hair.

So, you maybe know more about the world than I do. More about economics, certainly. I could ask my dad, but he had the good sense to die several years ago.

Here’s what I need, here’s the help I seek: tell me I’m wrong, and silly, and a flighty, shaky-kneed twitch. Tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about.

Tell me that money is still going to be money this time next year, and I should go back to my little jokes about littler subjects in this littlest back alley of the internet.

Because I think he could kill the money.

• “Donald Trump started a controversy today by…”
• “Donald Trump joked…”
• “Donald Trump said sarcastically…”
• “The President was misquoted by Jews.”
• “What is a ‘fact,’ really?”
• “Donald Trump said…”

• Assholes.
• Complete assholes.
• Idiots.
• Complete idiots.
• Idiotic assholes.
• Racists.
• Racist assholes
• Idiotic asshole racists.
• The Alt-Right Nazis.
• White Nationalists. Nazis.
• Neo-Nazis. Nazis.
• The credulous.
• The seditious.
• Have I mentioned racist assholes?
• Economically insecure white men without college degrees who most definitely didn’t cause all their own problems by consistently voting for people who fucked them–dry and often–and laughed while they were doing it.
• Child rape apologists.