Tag: donald trump (Page 27 of 32)

“Yes, okay. Great. Michigan. Big crowd, the best crowd. Huge crowds all over. I love Michigan. Best state. I mean, not New York or Florida. Pretty good, though. Many states look like things, but Michigan looks the most like a thing. Big mitten, the best mitten. Used to build cars here until the Democrats and the media burned down the factories.

“I just returned from touring the devastation in Louisiana, where I was invited and welcomed. Jazz, crawfish, the whole thing. Very sad. Many people were drowned. I saved thirty children from drowning, and they said to me, ‘Mr. Trump, why did Hillary Clinton cause this flood?’ I couldn’t answer! I ask now for a moment of silence for the victims of this ongoing tragedy, followed by a minute or two of jeering at the press pen. Thank you.

“I have come here tonight to speak directly to the blacks. Crooked Hillary’s policies have left the blacks poor, and violent, and good at basketball. Hillary Clinton is probably the biggest racist in the country. Maybe Obama. Obama has been the most racist president we’ve ever had. Ever. Hands down, believe me. He’s not a black. A Muslim. A Muslim is different than a black. Black’ll shoot you, Muslim’ll blow you up. Different.

“I am friends with many of the finest blacks, best blacks. Tyson. He’s the champ! Don King, of course. Omarosa. She’s only got one name, great. OJ. Listen, what I’m saying is that I have a huge group of blacks to draw upon, and they all say the same thing: Donald Trump is the leader the blacks need. Like a quarterback, or Phil Jackson. Not a Van Gundy. Hillary’s a Van Gundy, and you know how that works out for the blacks.

“Look at what Hillary Clinton has done to Detroit. The job loss. The bankruptcies. Godzilla. It’s terrible there, terrible. All of the fire engines have been stolen. Crooked Hillary personally over-flouridated the water, and many children were born with a giant tooth for a head. Sad! Block war that claimed the life of Judge Dredd. Maybe Hillary needs to take the Long Walk into the Cursed Earth? People say she should. Or just go to prison for life or be executed, whatever.

“What about the facts? I love facts, I have the best facts. Here they are. Before Crooked Hilary became Secretary of State, Iraq was calm. Libya was a paradise. Harambe was alive. Now? Terrible. Hillary Clinton made the Middle East almost as bad as Detroit, which is a hellhole. Why? Is it because of the millions of dollars that evil dictators poured into the Clinton Foundation, which is very corrupt? Did an oil tyrant take a break from throwing homosexuals, some of whom may have been blacks, off buildings to promise her the cure to whatever it is that she has? I heard she has tuberculosis.

“The blacks have voted for the Democrat candidate for fifty years. What’s gotten better? These are not good times for the blacks. Not moving on up! Many blacks come up to me and say, ‘Mr. Trump, what’s happening?’ And I tell them, ‘Racist Hilary is racist, now gimme me my five iron.’ Happens all the time, believe me. Hillary Clinton see the blacks as her property, but I actually let the blacks onto my properties.

“Democrats take the blacks for granted. They do! No flowers. Dinner. You gotta do something nice every once in a while, shuts them up. People don’t know how great a poet I am. Much better than Amiri Baraka, but he’s the Poet Laureate? Wonder why. Wonder why. Media doesn’t report on my poetry. Free verse, blank verse. I can do all the verses. No haiku! We’re doing haiku, but are the Chinese doing limericks? They’re not. One-sided! Bad deal. Wrote a poem for my wife Melania, who is acknowledged as one of the great beauties. Manafort had it translated into Russian, which is one of the five languages she speaks.

“Hillary Clinton wants to take jobs from the blacks and give them to refugees, most of whom are Radical Islamic Terrorists. Point guard, reverend, drive-through cashier. All the black jobs. Now you can’t get bacon on your cheeseburger, and every NBA game explodes. That’s her plan! Rappers. All the black jobs. Looter. All of them, refugees do that now.

“I build, and Hillary Clinton destroys. I give New York the greatest ice rink in the world, and Crooked Hillary burns the Reichstag. Not a metaphor! Literally the burner of the Reichstag. Why has she not apologized for that? Hillary Clinton, who is a coward, shot Wild Bill Hickock in the back. No apology. Approving the Tuskegee Experiment. Not one regret.

“Speaking of regret, I want to say that there is regret on my side for some of the things people heard that I didn’t say, or didn’t mean, or was being sarcastic, or they were too dumb to understand. As you know, I am not politically correct. I don’t have the time to be! People say ‘African-American’ is the politically correct thing to call the blacks, but it’s so many more syllables. Get to the point!

“Obama, who is the most racist president we’ve ever had, has stirred up so much anger in the blacks. The blacks have a lot of anger right now, and that’s why we need to give the police more money. Can’t have everything burning down constantly. Hillary Clinton, who is a murderer with Lou Gehrig’s disease, will continue these policies. This is why I am asking for the blacks to vote for me. What’s the worst that could happen?

“Thank you, and let’s Make America Great Again.”

• How Muslim are you?
• Seriously: wide receiver Muslim or suicide bomber Muslim?
• Do you share our values?
• Whaddya mean, “Define ‘values?'” I’m asking the questions around here, Ayatollah.
• How many homosexuals have you thrown off buildings at the direct command of Hillary Clinton, who is very crooked and just the worst?
• That is how the question is written on the page, sir; President Trump wrote them himself.
• Well, he dictated them.
• Same thing; stop distracting me or I’ll have you thrown in Super-Guantanamo.
• When did you decide to destroy America?
• Just answer the question, sir.
• No, you may not dispute the underlying assumption, as per Sect 21.2c of the Patriot Act.
• I’m sorry, sir: “I have not decided to destroy America” is not an acceptable answer.
• Well, because there’s not a box for it on the form.
• Your options are “1-5 years ago,” “6-10 years ago,” “I was born with an innate hatred of America,” “All of the above” or “Other.”
• Yes, I’m aware that “All of the above” is not allowable within any coherent system of logic; you don’t need to explain basic logic to me, sir; I don’t come to where you work and teach you set theory.
• Fine, “Other.”
• When you worked for ISIS, did Barack Obama pay you directly?
• …
• Well, GO to Canada, then; America has done pretty damn well without immigrants this far!

• Snatched baby from supporter’s hands and punted it, much to the delight of the crowd.
• Implied that only weak women get sexually harassed.
• Then, wanting to make his point clear, directly stated that only weak women get harassed.
• Accused fire fighters of being Communists, and then strangled a Dalmatian puppy onstage, much to the delight of the crowd.
• Claimed he owned the Pittsburgh Penguins.
• Called Sandusky, Ohio, the “biggest shithole in Ohio, and that’s saying something.”
• Tweeted out the Khan family’s home address and telephone number.
• Sons appeared on Facebook Live and shot a giraffe.
• Introduced new nickname for Mrs. Clinton: “Crooked Hillary” is now too soft, according to Trump, and he will now just call her “That Cunt.”**
• Declared Jared Leto the best Joker.
• Accepted a Purple Heart from a veteran, then immediately mocked veteran for getting wounded in the first place.
• At a hastily-thrown press conference this morning, Donald Trump took one question, spent 90 minutes talking about teachers from high school who had doubted him, then said that Finland was historically part of Russia, and then punted another baby, much to the delight of the crowd.

*It’s actually worse than the bullshit I came up with because the bullshit I came up with didn’t actually happen, whereas all of this did.

**Obviously, that is a joke. Even in my most resigned thoughts about the future, I cannot imagine that foul word making it into the campaign, but I sincerely cannot believe we haven’t gotten an “accidental” bitch yet. You know it’s coming, right? He’s not gonna say it–or, shit, maybe he will because nothing makes sense any more–it’ll probably be one of his crazier supporters: I’m thinking Jeff Sessions is the right asshole for the job. But you mark my damnable words, Enthusiasts: somewhere on the horizon of the calendar, galloping steadily towards us, is the day when the first major-party lady candidate for the presidency of the United States gets called a bitch by the other candidate. This a done deal. It will happen. Just a question of when.

• Catch-22, Joseph Heller. (“I’ll give you a catch-22: when Crooked Hillary railroads and badgers people into lying for her, and then I accuse their dead son of being in ISIS then I’m the bad guy? Wow. This shows how rigged and unfair the rigged, unfair media is to me. Who wrote their script? Was it plagiarized? Why don’t people ask these things instead of lying about me? Is there a possibility that Crooked Hillary killed that Army captain herself just to have his parents speak at her convention? I wouldn’t put it past her. Lots of people are asking that.”)
• Pulphead: Essays, John Jeremiah Sullivan. (“Michael Bloomberg can’t be president. Lot of reasons. I’ve met him, but I don’t know him. He’s never used my toilet, and I have the best toilet you’ve ever seen. Gold. Mirrors. Jets and sprays, everything. Great toilet, but Michael Bloomberg wouldn’t know. We’ve played golf, and I was better at golf. Hitting, putting. He’s got these tiny little clubs. Like chopsticks or something. Very bad with snow. He calls me up and asks me to help remove snow, so I sat down with snow and got a great deal. No one gets better deals with weather than Donald Trump.”)
• Face the Music, Paul Stanley with David Ritz. (“I have no Russian debt. If I was going to have debt, it would be from New York. Many banks call me up and beg me to borrow their money, but I am very liquid. Lot of cash, and sometimes I swim in it like Scrooge McDuck. Backstroke, breast, whatever. I can even do the butterfly, and that is a very difficult stroke. Many people say that I swim in my money vaults better than Scrooge McDuck, but no one reports on that.”)
• Transmetropolitan: Back on the Street, Warren Ellis and Darick Robertson (“Hillary Clinton created ISIS. Everyone knows this. Not because she was a weak Secretary of State, though she was the weakest ever, just the worst, very corrupt, but because she used the money from her Wall Street speeches to fund ISIS’ creation. Directly. She directly created ISIS. Interviewed the first guys personally, did the hiring. Very bad person. I don’t know if Hillary is still picking out the targets for terrorism herself. Maybe she lets Huma Abedin, who is a Radical Muslim Islamic Terrorist, choose.”)
• Notes From Underground, Fyodor Dostoevsky. (“I have never met Vladimir Putin, but I am sure that I can deal with him. He says very nice things about me, about how strong I am, and how handsome I am. How can I say he’s a bad guy? But I don’t know him. He’s never used my bathroom, but like I said, he would be very impressed by it. We’ve never gone camping. I have seen pictures of Mr. Putin on his horse, and he looks very strong, but I have never been horseback riding with him. I’ve never talked to him on the phone. We’ve never shared a dish of spaghetti and slurped on the same long strand and almost kissed. Don’t know the guy.”)
• The Last Train to Zona Verde, Paul Theroux. (“Many generals have told me that if Crooked Hillary is elected, then there’s gonna be a coup. Many have told me that, trust me. This is what I hear. ‘Mr. Trump,’ the generals say to me, many generals and also admirals and whatever the Marines have, ‘Crooked Hillary wants to take the military’s guns and turn us into transgenders.’ Hillary has said this in many speeches, but no one reports on it. First day in office, she’ll take the military’s guns and and their you know. You know. She’ll cut it right off. Will she give it to ISIS, which she founded? I don’t know.”)
• Hogfather, Terry Pratchett. (“Roger Goodell, who I do not know and has never been in my office, came to my office. Begging. On his knees. Offered me things, I’m not gonna say what, you can imagine. ‘Move the debates, Mr. Trump.’ Crooked Hillary wants them up against NFL games. Her voters, what do they watch? Telemundo in the middle of the day? BET? Not football fans. Hillary doesn’t like football. She likes lying and murdering American servicemen.”)
• The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman, Laurence Sterne (“Putin has not gone into Crimea. Crimea is part of Russia. He went back there. Strong move, good move. Ukrainians were happy about that. Many Ukrainians have told me that they love Putin, who I have never met. One of the five languages my wife Melania, who is acknowledged as one of the great beauties, speaks is Ukrainian. One of her college degrees is in Ukrainian, actually. Great at languages. Putin, who I have never retweeted, was invited into Crimea and he’s not even there I mean, he’s there in a certain way, but he’s not there. How do we know Putin wasn’t chasing ISIS into Crimea? If so, we should thank him. Very strong move.”)
• So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish, Douglas Adams. (“Crooked Hillary lies about everything. Why did her father buy Lee Harvey Oswald that rifle? She denies it, but we know what’s really going on. Hillary Clinton doesn’t know how to win, and she doesn’t know how to tell the truth. I beat 17 other people in the primaries, and she didn’t beat anyone. I mean, she beat Bernie in a certain way, but barely. Barely. I beat 17 Christians, and she had trouble with one Jew. That’s weak. “)
• Stairway to Heaven: Led Zeppelin Uncensored, Richard Cole. (“How can I release my tax returns with so much Radical Islamic Muslim Terrorism happening? That’s the kind of thing they’ll use against America. That would make America less great, and that’s not who I am. I want more great. Instead of asking about my tax returns, which are fine, trust me, why doesn’t the dishonest media ask Crooked Hillary to install a 24-hour webcam on herself? She talks about transparency, but then she votes for the Iraq War and refuses to appear on 24-hour webcam. Sad!”)

*Written by people I do not know.

I need you to know the process by which this post came to be: on a website not my own, I hit Command + Shift + 4 and then depressed my finger, and slid it a little bit, and then dedepressed my finger. This caused a clickety noise that for some reason always frightens me; it is how the computer tells me that I have taken a photograph of a section of the screen. The photo saved itself to my desktop automatically in a generic name, which I changed to one involving keywords describing the picture’s contents.

From here, I opened the admin page of the website you’re currently visiting, and hovered the cursor over the “New” button in the upper toolbar. This reveals a scrolldown menu, from which I chose “Post,” and the screen reloaded with a blank template. On this page, there is a button labeled “Add Media” and I clicked on that. Once there, I chose the screen shots so recently taken.

And that’s all I did.

No manipulation, Photoshop, or text regeneration. On the morning of January 20, 2017, the nuclear codes will pass from Barack Obama to one of two humans, and what I’m about to show you is the responsibility of one.

You should fix that drink now.

First of all, if you think the main problem is the lack of the Oxford comma, then you’re the goddamned problem, Poindexter. Military is capitalized because of how big, powerful, and strong Donald Trump will make it.

Putting aside the fact that the title and the caption have nothing to do with each other, and leaving alone the change of tense in the second sentence, and ignoring that it looks like Donald is sucking a tiny invisible dong: one of the questions at the debate, and one that every journalist should be asking, is, “Mr. Trump, explain how the three branches of government work, and the system of checks and balances.”

Not even a tough question. (Even though–and I can’t even believe I need to say this–presidents should be able to answer the tough questions.) Reporters need to begin asking this man about basic civics. “Mr. Trump, could you tell me how a bill becomes a law? And do it without singing?”

(Someone should ask him what the “Farm” in the annual Farm Bill stands for just to watch his head explode.)

This is important, Enthusiasts. Donald Trump isn’t racist because he’s a terrible person; he’s a racist because he’s busy. Were there, say, 40 hours in a day, then Donald Trump would have the time to treat people with respect, and not be the unthinking, venomous, petty shitstain in clown’s underwear that he is FORCED TO BE just because, like he said, he’s so busy.

“Cut! Moving on! See, boys? That’s how a pro does it. I do the best first takes. Sinatra only did first takes, but I do first takes much better.”

Two exclamation points. The man is a monster.

by
Donald J. Trump, Esq.

On my first day in office of presidnet I would change alot of things and do alot of things. I would tell the bad guys that they could’nt be bad. I would be the best presidnet ever in America.

The presidnet wears a suit every day. That is what I would do as my first day in presidnet of the America.

And it will be wonderful and we will dance ’round the fire which will burn and burn and burn no and we will dance no against the wall no the wall on my back and no the bricks no my teeth no the bricks no in the wrong part of town it’s all the no wrong part of town the fire no the fire dances and no the wall against my back and no I said no I said no.