- What is your idea of perfect happiness? (“I am very happy. I might be one of the happiest people you’ve ever met. The media, which is very unfair to me, never reports on how happy I am. I beat all my opponents, seventeen of them, beat them like dogs. That made me very happy. You see what I did to Christie? Made him stand there onstage, didn’t make him vice-president. He begged. Begged. Big meeting, lots of people. Begs me for the job. I made him do the Truffle Shuffle. Right there in front of everyone, and I was very happy then.”)
- Which living person do you most admire? (“Me. Okay? Me. Gotta be me, and I’ll tell you why. Who did what Trump did? Whole party against me, not like Crooked Hillary. Everything rigged, rigged for Crooked Hillary. No matter what she does, who she kills. Hillary Clinton chopped the head off that priest in France, and she gets more delegates. Hillary kidnaps Bernie Ecclestone’s mother-in-law, and still the DNC rigs things for her. When did Bloody Hillary commit her first murder?”)
- What is your favorite occupation? (“Businessman. Builder. President, okay? President. I’m not giving up the real estate when I’m in the White House. Gonna make some deals just to stay sharp. Practice for Putin, who I have never met and know nothing about. I know he respects me. I know that. I can deal with Putin, of course I can. If he wants Poland, then maybe we can discuss that. I have recently sold many condos to Russians at enormous prices because I am a great businessman and no other reason. Also, they should have never let David Brinkley out of jail.”)
- Which living person do you most despise? (“I don’t despise anyone. But I do despise Anthony Weiner. Bad guy. Really bad guy. Can’t keep it in his pants. His wife is a terrorist, but that’s no excuse. So they put him in a room and say ‘Don’t take it out, Anthony,’ and he can’t help himself. Weird guy. And his wife, who is a Radical Muslim Terrorist, is laying there. What are they talking about? Guy can’t get a job. Maybe he’s selling secrets to the Chinese. Probably the Chinese. First name’s Anthony, but he’s not Italian. Weiner.”)
- Where would you most like to live? (“Trump Tower. Best location in the city. Greatest tenants in the world. Sheikhs. Russians. Over 300 Hispanics work at Trump Tower, and also many blacks. They love me. I see them in the halls. ‘Hey, Mr. Trump.’ ‘Thank you, Mr. Trump.’ They love me. Look me right in the eye. Some people don’t like that, but I allow my Hispanics and blacks to look me in the eye when they thank me. I also have many Hispanics at Mar-A-Lago, but I think they’re a different kind than the ones in Trump Tower. Still the best. Legal, okay? I have the best Hispanics.”)
- Who are your favorite writers? (“My book The Art of the Deal has been optioned to turn into a Netflix series. Gonna be great. They made a movie out of Crooked Hillary’s book, too. Called it The Terminator because that’s what she’s going to do to the country. This TPP, it’s gonna kill us. Bad deal. Many people don’t know this, but the TPP grants China the rights to Christmas. We’re not gonna have Christmas anymore. China’s got it. I got the biggest bank in China in the Trump Tower. Made a good deal with them on the lease. I won that deal. They bowed very low. Did not give them Christmas.”)
- What is the quality you most like in a woman? (“Face, then boobs. Then, ass. All important. Got a great face, but you’re a pig? C’mon. Sloppy? C’mon. My wife Melania, who is acknowledged as one of the great beauties, has all three. Face, boobs, ass. Great. People mostly know her as a great beauty, and one of the most successful models in the world, but she has quite a brain. Great brain, best brain. Speaks five languages. Many college degrees. Taught particle physics for three years, won many physics awards. Melania was very successful at physics. I mean, five languages? Wow. Crooked Hillary speaks one language, and that’s murder. Tom Kaine spoke Spanish the other night. Pandering!”)
- What do you most value in your friends? (“I hope Russia has infiltrated our national security system. That would be great. Maybe then we’d learn the truth about Crooked Hillary, and why she planted a bomb on the Space Shuttle Challenger. I have heard that she did that. I have retweeted that theory several times. How about bugs? Bug Hillary’s office? Isn’t that the patriotic thing to do? If Russia bugs Crooked Hillary’s office, then when I’m president, I’ll give Russia a medal. Medal of Freedom. Valor. Liberty. The best medal.”)
- What is the trait you most deplore in others? (“Lying. The worst. This Tim Kaine, who is maybe the worst vice-presidential pick in history, an embarrassment: this guy’s a liar. Says he didn’t do an awful job as governor of New Jersey. Not true! Very bad governor of New Jersey. And the Spanish. Is Tim Kaine here legally? That’s a valid question. Maybe not politically correct, but only I can keep America safe by asking if Tim Kaine is an Mexican rapist. He speaks Spanish like a Mexican rapist. The media doesn’t ask him about that, or whether his children have all joined ISIS, which they have.”)
- What or who is the greatest love of your life? (“You have to love yourself. Very important. America doesn’t love itself anymore because Obama is such a weak man. Russians love their country because Putin, who I have never met, is strong. Obama is terrible. Obamacare has killed almost as many people as Radical Islamic Terrorism and Black Lives Matter. Very dangerous. Obamacare will go to your aunt’s house and beat her with a stick. I want to help the aunts of America, but Obama likes to hit them with a stick. Wow.”)
- What is your most treasured possession? (“Mike Pence. Great pick. I made probably the best vice-presidential pick in history. Mike Pence, Illinois, great. Straight-shooter. The media, the rigged media, they say ‘John Kasich says this, John Kaisich says that,’ but I never talked to John Kasich. Never even met the man. Talked to him so long ago. My son talked to him. One of those. Starts talking, Kasich, about ‘Trump offered me co-president.’ C’mon. John Kasich is a very nice guy, but he’s a proven loser and everyone hates him. Beat him like a dog many times in the primaries. Saw him backstage at the debates. Wouldn’t use the urinal. Just the stall. That’s the truth.”)
Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
Tag: donald trump (Page 28 of 32)
You are the president of Ursinia. (More like president-for-life, or just plain ol’ ruler. If you translated “Caesar” into whatever language the fictional Ursinia uses, then that would be the right word.) You control the country’s money, and you control the country’s military. Your power is such that you can have enemies openly murdered. In your youth, and in the beginning of your career, Ursinia was much larger and more powerful; you wish to go back to the way things were. To make Ursinia great again.
But, on this fictional planet, you have rivals; chief amongst them Aquilana. They are your long-term enemy, and you have been more or less at war with them for seventy years. This war has taken place on every battleground available save an all-out martial struggle between your two nations: proxy military skirmishes between putatively neutral nations; legal fights, diplomatic standoffs, propaganda raids, covert funding of political movements, scrabbles for cultural hegemony, and so much espionage that no one knows who’s working for whom anymore and everyone is at least a triple agent.
At one point, Ursinia and Aquilana went into someone else’s country and built a wall right through the middle of a city, like that old sitcom plot where the roommates get sick of each other and divide the apartment. (You’ll forgive my ludicrous flights of fancy in building my fictional planet, and I hope the “wall through a city” thing doesn’t make it too unrealistic.)
Now: unlike you, the leader of Aquilana is elected every–let’s pick a number at random–four years, and unlike the votes you hold every now and then, the ones in Aquilana count. The person who wins gets the money and the military. It’s a big fucking deal.
You’ve been through a bunch of these elections before, and they were all the same in that no matter who won, Aquilana’s position would remain “Ursinia should go fuck itself, but we are willing to negotiate.” You were interested, but also disinterested.
But the situation has changed in this latest contest. One of the candidates is demonstrably better for your interests. At this point I could again start weaving wild tales about how the candidate owes you money, or has a campaign manager with ties to you, or that the candidate has publicly admired you time and again, but I fear too many details clearly fictitious would detract from my simpler point, which I will state again: one of the candidates is demonstrably better for your interests.
What would you do?
“Okay, okay. Yeah. Nice. Look at this, great. All right, I got a speech. Great speech. Ready? Okay, okay.
“Friends, delegates, internet trolls, members of the corrupt media who is very unfair to me, good evening. I’d like to thank the police officers here tonight. I humbly accept your nomination for the presidency of the United States. Not so humbly, maybe. I deserve it. Let’s face it: I deserve it. I beat Ted Cruz, Lyin’ Ted, who is a bad guy, and whose father probably went back in time and murdered Abraham Lincoln.
“America is a terrible place, terrible. Used to be great. I can make it great again, but now? The worst. Probably the worst country in the world right now. Obama destroyed America, and now Crooked Hillary wants to destroy it more, okay? I have heard a phone call where Hillary says–she openly says, this is the truth–that she enjoys watching illegal immigrants stab your wives and daughters. Rape, too. Only Donald Trump can prevent you from being raped by an illegal immigrant. That’s a promise.
“Many cities are on fire right now. I have visited these places, and met with the firemen. They are very brave men, but I have to say that I slide down the pole better than they can. Every time I go to a fire station, I slide down the pole and everyone is amazed. Firemen love me. Maybe Black Lives Matters is going to start shooting firemen? I can stop that, not Hillary. Crooked Hillary is going to drive black people to fire houses to shoot firemen. I won’t be politically correct about this. It’s going to happen.
“We need to look abroad. We’re a joke. I will pull us out of NAFTA, and renegotiate NATO. I will make the WTO meet in Mar-A-Lago, and appoint Melania, who is known as one of the great beauties, to the UN. And the TSA. Gonna be much better, just great. New uniforms, maybe with epaulets. Classiest uniforms you’ve ever seen. Only I can design new uniforms for the TSA.
“I have been around this country in my jet, and met many people who have been hurt by Obama and Hillary’s policies. I met a family in Ohio whose had all been eaten by illegal immigrants. Very sad. In Florida, the swamps are full of Radical Muslim Terrorist Mexicans, and they are breeding with the alligators. Why doesn’t Crooked Hillary speak out about the terrorist gator-people? Only I can clear the Everglades of Mexican mutant Muslims.
“And what about the blacks? Racist Hillary would be awful for the blacks, just awful. I heard that Ted Cruz’ dad helped engineer the AIDS virus and released it in Harlem. That’s what I heard, and then Ted Cruz lies to me. I have to believe his dad made AIDS. A reliable source tells me these things. He’ll endorse. I won’t let him. I’ll treat him like fatso. Christie. You believe that guy? Governor. Wow. Gonna bring him to the White House. I’ll find him things to do.
“Illegal immigrants are eating all our crops. They’re like locusts. Since I started this speech, half-a-million illegal immigrant families have snuck into the country and are probably in your kitchen. And not to clean! To kill, most likely. Did illegal immigrants kill our brave men in Benghazi? That’s what Crooked Hillary doesn’t want us to ask. I’m asking. We know the murderers at Benghazi snuck under the wire, and illegal immigrants are very good at doing that.
“I’m going to fix thing. Cops are getting shot, tragic, sad, and I’m going to fix that. Our deals are the worst, and I will address that. I love Israel. Saudi Arabia throws LMNOQ people off buildings, and then Radical Mexican Immigrants shoot up a club with homosexuals, and what does Hateful Hillary do? She shoots a cop. Hillary Clinton is shooting police officers, and only Donald Trump can make her stop.
“Only I will tell you the truth, and here’s the truth: Crooked Hillary is going to shut all the hospitals and let Syrian refugees live there for free. I’ve seen the plan. On the campaign trail, where I beat 17 people very badly, beat them like dogs, I met many dying grandmothers. Sorry, Grandma. Can’t go to the hospital. That’s where Mohammad and his 12 children live. Our hospitals will be under Sharia law if Hamas Hillary is elected.
“She will bring anarchy and lawlessness, and a very bad family. Daughter is not hot. Sorry to say, have to say. Ivanka is a better choice. Very hot first daughter. Tiffany’s okay, but Ivanka is great. Very hot. Let my daughter make America great again. Thank you, and God bless Donald Trump.”
- “Let your persistence overcome her resistance,” is awful dating advice.
- The average number of police officers killed by illegal aliens per day is not 800.
- Despite what she said in her speech, Melania Trump did not free the slaves.
- Nor is she Iron Man.
- President Obama is not the most racist president we’ve ever had: he is, at best, second.
- Hillary Clinton has not vowed to introduce legislation outlawing Jesus.
- Ted Cruz does not actually care in the slightest about LGBT rights.
- The Jews have not “stopped” draining blood from Gentile children; they never did that in the first place.
- Loretta Lynch is not a werewolf.
- Climate Change does exist, and it is not caused by Mexicans.
- Scarlet Begonias is not a John Mayer song now.
- No Constitutional amendment to force citizens to have abortions has been proposed.
- Tiffany Trump was referred to as a model, whereas she should have been called a “model.”
- There is no such thing as the Congressional Medal of Genius, which means New Gingrich could not have been awarded one, let alone the six he claimed.
- NATO does not stand for Nazi Atheists Taking Over (America).
- A Vice-Presidential nominee is not allowed to declare war on Spain.
- President Obama is not in league with Lucifer.
- Nor is the president himself Lucifer.
- Reading, PA, is not currently under Sharia law.
- Lesbians cannot transform into dragons.
- Hillary Clinton has been accused of no crime that would make her eligible for the death penalty, nor is that penalty administered via defenestration.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5QaVzv5aR6U
“It’s a put-on.”
That’s the fucking chorus. The chorus of this song is “It’s a fucking put-on.” They played this at the end of the Republican National Convention tonight. There’s no more satirizing what’s happening, and I think we’re all going to die.
(It’s still one of The Who’s best songs, though.)
- Puma deliberately released into women’s bathroom at arena.
- A former and future porn star called Hitler “inspiring.”
- Candidate’s daughter Snapchatted her speech to only 79 likes.
- A senator appeared in blackface.
- The keynote speaker, a Baptist minister, ended his speech by viciously penetrating a watermelon with a Hillary Clinton mask on. (First he was wearing the mask, and then he placed it on the watermelon.)
- A game show host called Bill Clinton an “illegal.”
- Two Real Housewives engaged in a catfight onstage while a neurosurgeon with a visible hard-on watched.
- Benediction contained the phrase “Lord, please strike that no-good bitch down.”
- Norovirus outbreak.
- Temple of the Dog reunited.
- Owner of a sports franchise described in detail his cunnilingus technique.
- Delegates from Wyoming ate the delegates from Iowa.
- Big city sheriff accused Black Lives Matter as being “the Detroit chapter of the Nazi Party” and received a standing ovation.
- Random Teamster allowed to speak on the topic of Puerto Ricans and their laziness.
- The reanimated corpse of a Benghazi rampaged through the hall.
- Candidate’s son shot the puma that had been released into the women’s bathroom of the arena.
- The guy who played Coach on Coach.
- Dauber, also from Coach.
- War.
- Famine.
- Pestilence.
Death. (Cancelled.)- The fish from the Amazon River that swims up your urethra and eats your bladder.
- Shaggy 2 Dope.
- Sam Lufti.
- Andrew Breitbart’s corpse wearing a Reagan mask.
- Dave Mustaine.
- A VFW hall.
- A child dying of something preventable.
- Arrionde, the God of Fuck That Guy.
- Jeff Dunham and Peanut.
- Duffel bag full of furious raccoons.
- The pile of dead Jew’s shoes from the National Holocaust Museum.
- Papa John.
- Melania Trump, who is acknowledged as one of the great beauties.
- The scene from The Neverending Story where Atreyu drowns in the Swamp of Sadness.
- Peter Thiel.
- A syringe with AIDS-infected blood in it.
- Jim Belushi.
- James Woods via FaceTime.
- Bristol Palin.
- A knock on your door at three in the morning.
- Marshawn Lynch refusing to say anything for the entirety of his allotted time
- The folding chair Bobby Knight threw onto the court.
- A Ferris Wheel come loose from its moorings and rolling down the street slicing people in half.
- The smell of burnt microwave popcorn.
- Big Daddy Kane.
Hillary Clinton is Al Swearengen, and she will leave some bodies behind on her quest to fleece the hoopleheads.
Donald Trump is Hearst, and he’ll burn the fucking camp down.
- Everybody on Twitter.
- People who had to be told not to play their little video game in the Holocaust Museum.
- Cops.
- Criminals.
- Sinners.
- Saints.
- Whoever prices blueberries. (Seriously: they’re two bucks a pint one week, and six dollars for the same amount the next. I cannot figure out the economics of the situation.)
- Jews supporting Trump. (More than you’d think.)
- Bernie Sanders, and his childish fans, and everything about all of that nonsense.
- Mean Phish Persons.
- My garbage-human neighbors still setting off fireworks a week after the Fourth.
- Yankton cocksuckers.
- This guy over here.
- That lady right there.
- All those assholes.
- Depending on what word you put in the phrase “______ Lives Matter,” you may or may not need to go fuck yourself.
- Johnny Depp.
- Who ever designed the parking lot at my pharmacy, because it is too small for the amount of cars that go in and out, and Florida is full of old people who go to pharmacies constantly, and one day I am going to run one of them over and it will sound like a fallen leaf being stepped on.
- Anyone–anyone at all–who’s got a hot take.
- So: me, I guess.
America has decided to get it on, and Saudi Arabia is exploding, and Europe will be back to their old selves very soon. No one has read Frankenstein, just seen the movie, and now all these scared, hungry assholes that the rich folks made are wandering around the countryside, tossing children into rivers. Dangerous ideas have been normalized. Hell, they’ve been funded better than schools, and this is what happens.
This is going to get so much worse.
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