TotD consigliere and Commodore of the Cascadian Fleet Mr. Completely notes Keith’s isolation in this picture, taken somewhere between September ’76 and June ’77.
Also of note: Keith’s vocal mic, which was used as often as turn signals on a BMW.
Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
Tag: donna jean godchaux (Page 7 of 15)
Look: everyone’s ignoring Mrs. Donna Jean.
We need to keep up with the times, gents! What if we made like The Ramones and all changed our last name to “Grateful Dead?” I would be Bobby Grateful Dead, Bobby said.
Last names should be easy to spell, Billy said.
Doesn’t that sound a bit Jewish, Mickey said?
Can everyone pronounce it on the first try, Keith and Mrs. Donna Jean said, then went back to choking each other.
No batter, no batter, Phil said because he had skipped the meeting to watch a softball game.
What’s a last name? Pig said.
A shot from the Gizah Sound and Light Theatre, where we find Phil rocking out like no one’s watching.
Team Mrs. Donna Jean.
“Look at me, Mrs. Donna Jean! Hear my thoughts as I send them out towards your pigtails and modest, yet form-fitting, dress. READ MY MIIIIIIND, woman! Broadcast, Bobby does, his neurons and synapses doing…their…thing. I do not know what neurons and synapses do: no matter, my love!
“I know what my dong does. I know what it does to you. Remember that time you were going to sneeze, and I stopped up your nose with my penis? You thanked us both that day. Then, you sneezed on my penis. I was cool with that.”
“Shut up, Bobby. I’m ignoring you.”
“You CAN hear me!”
“You’re basically screaming across the psychic plane. My telepathic powers enable me to hear you if only you speak quietly.”
“It’s weird we’ve never discussed these telepathic powers before.”
“It is. Maybe we’ll discuss them at length in the coming days and then discard the idea again.”
“Love me, Mrs. Donna Jean! Love me back! Feel my gaze on your beauty, and my hands on your booty.”
“If you guys are done, Billy’s got a bunch of lines back here.”
“Who is this?”
“Get off the line.”
“It’s Phil. You two gotta cool it. Keith’s gonna figure this out.”
“Phil, you know that Keith is unable to hear any psychic conversations!”
“I did not know that. And it seems awful convenient. Irregardless, he wouldn’t even have to.”
“Yeah, Bob: your neck’s kinda losing its mind there.”
“Garcia?”
“Hey.”
“Hey.”
“Bobby, I gotta agree with everyone: you got a needy vibe coming off ya.”
“Who is this?”
“The skull Mickey’s holding.”
That’s enough.
Reasons for Phil’s absence:
- It was a Friday night show during Phil’s brief flirtation with orthodox Judaism.
- It was a Tuesday night show during Phil’s long entanglement with orthodox alcoholism.
- Takin’ a piss.
- Ballin’ a fox.
- Doin’ a line.
- Saw a duck and ran terrified into the dressing room, slammed door, burrowed under couch, made keening noises.
- Crowd surfing.
- This was the only appointment he could get at the podiatrist for weeks. (Phil’s got corns.)
- On line for the new iPhone.
- At a playground slapping ugly children while telling them to “get used to it.”
- Saw a carnival on the way to the gig.
- Stepped in a normal-looking pile of leaves and a rope tightened around his leg and yanked him up to the ceiling.
- In a crazy rich guy’s house, dressed as a kitty, and dangling from a rope as a living motivational poster.
- Picking a fight with two Puerto Rican women in a Steak & Shake parking lot.
- Galveston, Texas.
- Charging (Light Brigade.)
- Taking (Omaha Beach.)
- Sieging (Stalingrad.)
- Cross-dressing (Rocky Horror Picture Show screening in Petaluma.)
- Had Bobby draw him a map to the show and Phil is either in Narnia or East St. Louis, and either way he’s about to get stabbed.
Rumors abound, swirl, procreate, grow, invade Moldova: this is the way people do things, and for all evidence to the contrary, the Dead are just people. (Some of them are no longer people.)
The 50th anniversary will be a big year, the money has decided, and if certain band members need to be separated from one another by a chain-link fence, or others require cash deposits with the promoters due to the “not being upright for the show” problem they’ve acquired recently, then accommodations will be made. The money has stated, in no uncertain terms, its location and availability. All that is required is for four specific senior citizens (and whatever ringers they choose) to not kill each other (or die of unrelated causes) for long enough to go get the money.
But between comments boards of various sites, forums, anonymous tips, tweets from actual participants, leaked schedules, the bugs TotD has planted in Terrapin Crossroads, and things clearly pulled out of the universe’s ass and posted on Facebook, it’s hard to tel the players without a scorecard.
TotD presents the Most Credible Rumors about the 50th Anniversary Tour:
- Phil’s had enough of Bobby’s bullshit.
- Billy’s had enough of Jill’s bullshit.
- Mickey knows he got promoted into the “core four” through sheer not-dying, but he’s happy to be there all the same.
- Everyone hates everyone else’s guitarist.
- It might end up being Warren Hayes because–and this is a quote from a high-placed anonymous source–“he’s gonna be at all the damn festivals, anyway.”
- There is still a small, but vocal, minority pushing for Hologram Garcia. (I am warning all involved: do not make Hologram Garcia.)
- Contrary to some of the more misogynist blathering that goes on, Jill Lesh is neither a shrew nor a chiseller: she is an intelligent and savvy woman getting Phil what he is worth on the open market.
- That said, she did float an idea about offering a “Super-Platinum Super-Fan Super-Package” that allowed a fan to jam with the band on a song of his (it would assuredly be a guy) choosing.
- This is awkward to bring up, but: remember that nice thing that Bobby used to do for Garcia, vis-a-vis holding certain things? Yeah, well: Bobby needs a Bobby now.
- There does remain the slightest possibility that none of them are remotely insurable.
- Mickey really wants Night Ranger to open, and he’s being stubborn about it.
- Regarding Mrs. Donna Jean’s participation, the “core four” are of one mind: they would like her to be there. They are also of one mind about preferring not to pay her a full member’s share of the money.
- A good third of the arguing and misunderstandings can be attributed to the fact they they’re all stone-deaf at this point.
Mrs. Donna Jean was over it.
Honestly, you two: knock it off. Yes, Keith ate a handful of off-brand hippo tranquilizer and crawled into the piano twenty minutes ago but he has a weird way of sensing things even when he’s comatose.
PLUS Bottom right, third guy in, blue shirt: is that the Phantom of the Opera? What the dick is going on here?
ALSO Mickey is there why?
AND If Garcia doesn’t have a lit Camel in that left hand we can’t see, I’ll blow the Pope in Macy’s window.
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