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Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
Tag: james brown (Page 2 of 2)
Elvis went nuts, and so did Michael Jackson. In her own low-key, tasteful way, Barbra Streisand might be crazier than entire lunatic asylums. But no one–no one at all–went bull goose starkers like James Brown did.
This is not, Enthusiasts, a legendary and historic performance; it’s just a 1980’s night in New York, but it has its charms. What, you ask?
- The robot from Rocky IV introduces the set.
- The band plays for 20 minutes before James decides to show up.
- Holy shit, is he high.
- I would say “high as a kite,” but kites honestly do not fly all that high.
- Maybe if you brought a kite to the International Space Station, then James Brown would be as high as that kite.
- James Brown: Hardest Working Man in Show Biz.
- James Brown’s corset: Hardest Working Support Garment in Show Biz.
- Are…are…are they playing the Entertainment Tonight theme song?
- Jeff “Skunk” Baxter on guitar, for some reason.
- The band is literally wearing Sexual Chocolate’s tuxedos.
- The most half-assed “Put the cape on the Godfather and then he comes back” routine you’ve ever seen.
- And–tell me if I’m lying, I dare you–James Brown is so high he cannot open his eyes the entire show.
- So much fucking Jheri Curl.
Forget RFK in Indianapolis. Watch the Godfather in Boston.
Yeah, yeah, yeah: the most-sampled beat in hip-hip history. Listen to the rest of the song*. Thanks, Clyde.
*This is only a “song” in the loosest sense of the word. It’s James Brown’s band playing for nine minutes, but that’s nothing to jump back and kiss your bad self about.
“YER BOY IS GETTIN’ ALL UP ON ME, NIX.”
“Stand down, Jenkins.”
“Sorry, sir. I had that water Mr. Presley had requested.”
“THAT WAS A DAMN WEEK AGO, MAN! ME AN’ THE PRES’DENT BEEN TO CHINA AN’ BACK ALREADY!”
…
“What?”
“Get out, Jenkins.”
“LEAVE TH’ DANG WAWA!”
“Leave the wawa and get out, Jenkins.”
“AH AIN’T NEVER SEEN SUCH POOR CHARLIE HODGIN’! AH DID NOT EVEN REQUEST A SCARF, AN’ YET HE COULD NOT FULFILL HIS APPOINTED TASK.”
“Very hard to get good help. Tough to keep people.”
“THEY GO ON T’ OTHER JOBS?”
“No, they get indicted.”
“MISTER PRES’DENT, YOU NEED SOME O’ THE MEMPHIS MAFIA TO DO ANYTHIN’ AROUND HERE, YOU JUST ASK. IN MAH OPNION, RED WEST WOULD MAKE AN EXCELLENT SECRETARY OF TH’ TREASURY.”
“How is he qualified for the post?”
“HE HOLDS MAH WALLET.”
“I’ll keep him in mind, Elvis. Dammit, King, we need to stop dicking around. They’ve already sworn the madman in.”
“NIX, ISS WEIRD THAT YOU DON’ UNDERSTAN’ THE RAMIFICATIONS OF HAVIN’ A TIME MACHINE.”
“Right! Right, yes. This is new to Nixon. I understand time as an arrow.”
“NAW, MAN. TIME IS A RIVER, AND WITH THE POWER O’ THE TIME CAPE, WE BECOME LIFEGUARDS WITH X-RAY VISION, AN’ CAN SWIM WHENEVER WE WANT AN’ NEVER GET WET.”
“Elvis, that didn’t even make sense by your standards.”
“MAH HEEBIE-JEEBIES ARE ACTIN’ UP.”
“Oh, no. Should I send for the White House physician?”
“THAT DEPENDS. IS HE A FAN O’ MINE?”
“I believe he is, Elvis.”
“BRING HIM UNTO ME.”
“Yes, yes. Jenkins? Jenkins!”
“AH TOL’ YOU THAT BOY IS USELESS AS A DICK ON A TENNIS RACKET.”
“You’re getting worse, Elvis! Your metaphors have lost all coherency. Jenkins, fetch the doctor.”
“Our doctor, sir? Or the one Elvis brought with him that’s been shooting morphine into the secretaries?”
“Ours, Jenkins.”
“BOTH, JENKINS.”
“Yes, sirs.”
“Elvis, lay down on that couch. The doctor will be here in a moment.”
“AH FEEL WOOZY.”
“Okay, son.”
“THASS A FUN WORD T’ SAY, NIX. ‘WOOZY.’ TRY IT, MAN. MAKES YER MOUTH FEEL LIKE THERE’S A PARTY GOIN’ ON.”
“You’re delirious, Elvis. Lay down. I will be in the next room.”
“WHERE YOU GOIN’?”
“I am still consolidating our power. I believe that the urban initiative I launched yesterday is paying off, but I must speak to some more dignitaries.”
“YOU A MASTER OF REALPOLITIC, NIX.”
“Yes.”
“AH WILL BE HERE GOIN’ THROUGH YOUR DESK LOOKIN’ FOR LOOSE POLICE BADGES.”
“Okay. Be right back.”
“Can your country count on you, Mr. Brown?”
“MY HEEBIE-JEEBIES ACTIN’ UP!”
“Oh, God, another one.”
Forget your personal taste, and Pitchfork’s lists, and the Billboard Top Quadrillion: these are all opinions, and by definition subjective. The question is this: is there such a thing as objectively good music?
Probably not. If there is, though, the Ode to Joy and this tune are part of the conversation.
- First Stanley Cup game played, 1894. (“Canada should be careful. Are they pulling their weight? America has to defend the whole continent? Who’s attacking Canada? No one. Why? Us. Do they chip in? No. They send their geese. Very bad animal. Not a winner. Maybe I need to build two walls. Steel, concrete. Fifty feet. But you know what? I’m gonna make Mexico pay for that one, too.”)
- Death of Karl Wallenda, 1978. (“I can walk on a tightrope. I can walk on a tightrope very well. A lot of people need the big stick. I don’t need the big stick. And I look great in the leotard. People see me in my leotard, many people, and they say how muscular I am. I can stand on one leg. I can do the somersault. Jump. Very good at tightrope walking.”)
- The Republic of China is restored, 1916. (“I know China very well. Sold many apartments to many Chinese. Do deals with the Chinese all the time. Been to Beijing on my plane. Brought my own food. Their version of Chinese food is different than ours. I can say ‘Ni Hao.’ They’re killing us, though. They own us. I’d change that. Have to be strong. Chinese? They’re pretty strong. Gotta say it, very strong, gotta say it. I’m pretty strong. I’m very strong. Strong. China.”)
- London bullion market reopens, 1954. (“Lazy way to make soup. It’s a lie. That soup is not soup you want. Y’know, the British media is very unfair. They lie. Just like the soup. Not all English are liars. Some are. Some are perverts. Perverted island. Just like the Japanese. Something about islands, turns people into sex maniacs. 400 newspapers and a good 350 are anti-Trump. Not right.”)
- James Brown born, 1920. (“A good friend. Entertained at many of my properties. In every picture of us together, he is smiling, and he should be. Didn’t smell great after the show. Once chased my butler around Mar-A-Lago for an hour with a rake. Caught him, raked him. A good raker, but not as good as me.”)
- Ukranian violinist Mykola Lysenko born, 1842. (“Who’s helping us? Around the world, I mean. We gotta fight Russia. We gotta pay. Why we gotta pay? Someone’s gotta fight Russia. That’s how the world works. Italy can’t fight Russia, so maybe they should pay us to do it. Maybe we should start World War II and make everyone else pay for it. Sounds right to me.”)
- Comet Hale-Bopp approaches earth, 1997. (“Comets are weak asteroids. Ice. Tails. Asteroids are rock.What can you make out of rock? How about a pyramid? A classy one? I build the best pyramids out of asteroids you’ve ever seen. Put it on the market, full occupancy by the end of the week. People want to be in the pyramid-asteroid business with Trump. What can you build out of a comet? Weak. Not strong.”)
- Arab League formed, 1948. (Killing us. Good friends with the Arabs. The Arabs love me. Dubai. Dealt with the Saudis on many occasion. The poor Arabs are a problem. Rich ones are great. Spoil their kids, but whatever. Great. Tough negotiators. Poor ones? I don’t know. I don’t know. Maybe we start World War III. I don’t know.”)
- Birth of author Louis L’Amour, 1908. (“I’m gonna start World War III. People have tried, but they’re losers. At my last rally, people kept coming up to me: “Mr. Trump, you would start World War III so well and so powerfully.” They’re right. The person who said that to me was Latino, by the way. Accent and everything. So, you know: that’s something I’m going to do. First day? Probably not. Quickly? Yes.”)
Forget about those rich kids, St. Nick: they don’t need you. Certainly don’t appreciate you, and I heard a few don’t even believe in you.
Can you imagine that? Not believing in Santa?
Maybe it’s because Santa Claus goes where he’s needed.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ryKRcVqsph8
You can vote for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductees here, but if you vote for anyone but The JBs or Cheap Trick, then we can’t be friends anymore.
The JBs at their peak, with some guy singing and two brothers with weird names on guitar and bass:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KKO1vfHeKb4
And here’s the pride of Rockford, IL doing the first song of their new album:
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