I’m sorry: I’ll stop screwing around. Happy birthday, Jeff Chimenti.
Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
Tag: jeff chimenti (Page 5 of 10)
It’s also Jeff Chimenti’s birthday!
“Boogaloo!”
“Billy, I don’t wanna–”
“Boogaloo, you shiny fuck!”
“I don’t even know how–”
“I’ll hit ya with my hat. Boogaloo!”
…
“Okay, good. Now the Nijinsky.”
“Oh, Billy, not the Nijinsky.”
“Do the Nijinsky!”
“Not like this.”
“Nijinsky!”
“NOT LIKE THIIIIIIIIIS!”
Allow me to preface my silly little jokes with this: hail to the road crew. First in, last out, first blamed.
In no particular order:
- If you asked someone to describe what this photo would look like before they saw it, they would have gotten it exactly right; nothing about this photo is a surprise.
- Oh, wait: there’s a bunch of ladies.
- They are hidden in the back.
- Maybe the photographer is a bear, and all the women are menstruating, and the men are being chivalrous.
- Beard guy.
- Bald guy.
- Bald guy who is maybe black.
- Lady in red cocktail dress.
- Matt Busch.
- Other beard guy.
- Waldo.
- Harry Knowles.
- Y’know, I think Bald Maybe Black Guy and Handsome Dan back there are the drivers for some reason–the two guys by Mrs. Donna Jean in the Stealie button-downs–and now I am fascinated by them and am starting to make up stories about them.
- I will come up with better names, though.
- And speaking on behalf of Mrs. Donna Jean: same shit, different century.
“Ahhhhh, yeah.”
Slow your roll, Jeff Chimenti.
“Randos.”
All of you need to stop presenting me with your randos. You’re like cats bringing dead birds into the house.
“Gonna show ’em my power.”
Oh, God, not all of it?
“At once.”
They can’t take that much power, Jeff Chimenti; you have so much.
“So much power.”
“Is one of my backup musicians getting delusions of grandeur again?”
Dammit. We are not continuing the Rando War.
“Tell piano boy to go comb his hair.”
I like her hair.
“She’s like Thor, with boobies.”
Yeah, but here’s the thing: she might be not be a rando. That looks more like a stone-cold fox.
“Still a rando.”
Can’t be both.
“Rando.”
“YOO TELL THAT YANKEE TO SEND THAT BLONDE OVER TO MAH HOTEL ROOM, ‘LESS SHE’S HAD A BABY. KING DON’ BANG NO MAMMAS.”
Why are you here?
“GOT ME SOME RANDOS LIKE YOU WAS TALKIN’ ABOUT. ”
That’s the Memphis Mafia and a cop. Not randos.
“THEN I WILL FIRE THEM ALL, USING KARATE, AND THAT WILL RANDOMIZE THEM!”
Not how it works. And I don’t think you’re allowed to fire cops, Elvis.
“AH CAN ASK FOR THEIR RESIGNATIONS.”
True. Go away.
“I got more.”
Jeff Chimenti, this is beneath you.
“Was that Elvis?”
Don’t worry about it. What happened to the randos we started with?
“They couldn’t handle my power. I showed it to them, and they were overcome.”
…
“By my power.”
Are they still alive?
“They’re so much more that that now.”
Did you kill more randos, Jeff Chimenti?
“They’re so fragile!”
Dammit.
“Can we just stuff ’em into Garcia’s Briefcase of Infinite Felonies?”
Again?
“Look, sugar: I got me one o’ them randos you been goin’ on about.”
That is not a rando, Mrs. Donna Jean. That is Jeff Chimenti.
“Oh, I don’t know anyone in the Mafia, hon.”
I don’t think Jeff Chimenti is in the Mafia.
“That vowel at the end of his name says different. My father, Mrs. Daddy Jean–”
Not his name.
“–used to say the biggest mistake Roosevelt made was not treating the Italians like the Japanese.”
Wow. The Japanese-Americans, you mean.
“No, the Japanese. Daddy advocated nuking Staten Island.”
…
I agree with your father, but for different reasons.
“Everybody does.”
The reboot of The Ring was a failure: the VCR tape was replaced with an AUD of a 1984 show, so no one listened to it and no one had to die.
You must root for humanity. Sides are to be chosen, and you must root for humanity: not simply because the alternative is monstrous, but because for all its failures and tenacious weaknesses, humanity has its moments. For example, this picture didn’t exist yesterday.
But Spencer made it, because there is no sanity test involved in the purchase of Photoshop, and now it’s on the innertubes, so the entire world has it, except for the country in which the iconography originated. (That right there is some high-test irony, and is another reason to root for humanity. There are reasons everywhere, if you look.) It’s become very easy to give something to the entire world.
Also, Jeff Chimenti is wearing a little Chinese hat, and that makes me happy.
Bobby’s jersey says LORAX.
Also, Jeff Chimenti is my favorite person. Look at him, all goony and happy and magical. If you catch Jeff Chimenti, then he must grant you wishes; if you made a paintbrush from his hair, the art you create would go with any sofa. Jeff Chimenti talks in his sleep, but only inspirational messages and compliments. An anagram for “Jeff Chimenti” is not “Wow, he’s great.”
Also also: the fun and games are over. I need to know where Billy was.
- Didn’t wanna.
- Underestimated an edible.
- Perfectly estimated an edible, but ate nine of them.
- Just can’t look at any dude feet right now.
- Halfway through a Settlers of Cataan game and needs to manage his lumber.
- Halfway through a divorcée from Aurora and needs to manage his lumber.
- Wandering around the lot handing out rolling papers and screaming, “CAN YOU DIG IT?” at Deadheads.
- Nap time.
- They didn’t have a jersey with the number 69 on it, so Billy refused to participate.
- Murdering Benjy for old time’s sake.
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