Hey, Jeff Chimenti. Whatcha doing?
“Sitting peacefully with my hair.”
It’s lovely.
“It is.”
Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
Tag: jeff chimenti (Page 8 of 10)
Hey, Jeff–
“Dammit, not you.”
–Chimenti. Whatcha doing?
“I told you I don’t like participating in your little skits.”
Aw, man. I’m such a fan.
“Yeah, maybe, but: who cares? This is weird. You’re weird. I don’t wanna time travel and I don’t wanna go on adventures and I don’t wanna talk to friggin’ demons or whatever.”
Abandoned Gods.
“I said ‘whatever.’ I just wanna smoke doobies and play with my organ.”
…
“You’re a child.”
…
“Stop laughing.”
The Dead or What’s Left of ‘Em have hit Colorado, where marijuana is legal. If I were Colorado, I would be fighting as hard as possible to keep marijuana illegal everywhere else so I could be the Vegas of doobies. Instead of casinos and drinks, there would be comfortable chairs and plentiful appetizers and jam bands every night.
Assorted notes:
- Even with the gas mask on, Mickey is still not wearing the dopiest headcovering.
- Take that shmata off, Young John Mayer.
- Speaking of hats, Billy has grown very attached to Red Rider up there.
- The best-looking guitar amp is four Marshall stacks; the second-best-looking is a tweed amp.
- These men are high.
- Not trying to blow up anybody’s spot over here, but: these guys are high as fuck.
- Billy may or may not also be drunk.
- Careful observation will reveal that Mickey is wearing a sweatband under his sweatsuit.
- Good work, Mickey.
- Completely empty or full arenas look much smaller than arenas with a few people scattered throughout the stands.
- Jeff Chimenti’s hair is spun from childhood dreams and first loves.
- You might be able to substitute one of Jeff Chimenti’s strands of hair for the usual unicorn hair used in one of Ollivander’s magic wands and still get some magic out of the sucker.
- If you floss with a hair from Jeff Chimenti, then you will never get another cavity.
- Speaking hair, John Mayer just turned 38.
- Not one grey.
- Just saying.
- Billy’s sweater looks very soft and pettable, but if you pet Billy, he will punch you in the dick.
- Unless you are a stone-cold fox and pet him on his dick.
- Billy’s fine with that.
- How long were they in Colorado before Mickey had smoked so much weed that he’d gotten bored with the normal methods of ingestion and started gas-masking?
You’re wearing Dead shirts now, too, Jeff Chimenti?
“Oh, c’mon. I told you I don’t want to be part of this.”
Jeff Chimenti, you need to show everyone your power.
“Is that one of your weird euphemisms?”
No.
“Really?”
A little, maybe.
“Please stop involving me in your nonsense.”
John Mayer is taking too many solos and you are not taking enough.
…
Can you not say anything out loud, but you totally agree?
…
Oh my God: is Irving Azoff in the room? If Irving Azoff is in the room and you’re not free to speak, but you know you should ripping shit up and showing the East Coast the awesome power of a fully operational Jeff Chimenti, then continue to have majestic hair the color of a magical suit of armor.
…
I KNEW IT.
“May I go?”
You may.
Mickey just posted this a few hours ago, and if you view it alongside the other ads for Dead & Company, one thing is clear: Jeff Chimenti and Oteil have been pan-and-scanned out of the publicity. Oteil is now officially Ernie Hudson in the television version of Ghostbusters: you can hear the black guy, but you can’t see him.
Are you trapped in there?
“I’m in Time-Out.”
Well, you wanted to be Al Capone.
“Al Capone? I was smoking a joint in a Toyota!”
Don’t rationalize your anti-social ways.
“I’m not a criminal.”
What about the counterfeiting?
…
“Okay, that’s a crime, yeah.”
They take that one real serious, too.
“A government that sees any humor in faking its currency is not a government for very long.”
True dat, Jeff Chimenti.
…
Can you get out of there?
“No.”
Why don’t you crawl under the piano?
“Mickey put his duffel bag full of raccoons there.”
Oh, I haven’t seen those critters in a while. How are they?
“Rabid, vicious, smart, strong, and many.”
Yeah, that’s them.
“NOOOOOOOOOO!”
Really?
“FATHER, WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN ME?”
Over-dramatic at best.
“I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE!”
That has nothing to do with anything.
“I just like that movie so much. Flawed, but illuminating.”
Why are you screaming to the heavens?
“I’m just so upset!”
About what?
“About what!? The criminality! The besmirchment of the Chimenti name! The fucking marihuana, man. It was all you could talk about yesterday.”
…
Yesterday.
“Fuck you, jack.”
Oh, go shoot up your pot.
- Seriously, how do you get arrested for weed in 2015?
- That’s not the real question, is it?
- How does a white guy get arrested for weed in 2015?
- You didn’t get mouthy with the cop, did you?
- Lippy?
- Give him that patented Chimenti Backtalk?
- Anyway: regardless of all our fun and games, you shouldn’t be driving while you’re stoned.
- (I guess, mostly. You kinda have to say that, don’t you, even though YOU TOTALLY CAN DRIVE STONED.)
- So, I hope you weren’t hot boxing your rental.
- I also hope you weren’t hot boxing your rental because the two of you are 46 and 50 years old and just shouldn’t be hot boxing anything at this point.
- Did your silvery mane not come with wisdom, Jeff Chimenti?
- Did you at least make the side proud with the marihuana?
- Was it the stickiest icky?
- The stankest dank?
- If it was the dank, was it the diggity dank?
- After handling it, did you have to wash your hands?
- When the cop came up to the car, why didn’t you seductively lower the zipper on your jumpsuit to reveal your bodacious tatas?
- Why didn’t you bounce on the devil, and put the metal to the floor?
- Did you try crying and offering to blow the officer?
- Would you like to blame this all on Jay Lane?
- Wouldn’t it feel better to blame this all on him, Jeff Chimenti.
- Have you ever thrown anyone under the bus before?
- Maybe you would like doing it: try it.
- Maybe you should blame this all on Jay Lane.
- Will you still be available for the tour which has not been announced but anyone with an IQ over 40 knows is happening?
- Or will you be in prison, Jeff Chimenti?
- Do you know how to shank a guy, or make a rotting grapefruit into a citrus-vagina?
- You should learn.
- If you have to join a gang on the inside and get some racist tattoos, we will understand.
- You should not get them tattooed on your face, though.
- I don’t care how well you can play the B3, if you have a giant swastika on your face, then you can’t be in the band.
- When you came out of the jailhouse or police station or wherever, were the other Grateful Deads standing there with gifts and yelling about how “You popped your cherry!”
- (Please don’t think that’s a joke about your Italian heritage: I just really like Goodfellas.)
- (Although, all of you greasy pizza-dicks do have mob ties in real life.)
- Is this going to lead to flakka?
- Do not do flakka, Jeff Chimenti.
- That is not the Grateful Dead thing to do.
![[PDF] The Precipice » The](http://thoughtsonthedead.com/wp-content/uploads/pdf-the-precipice-c2bb-the.jpg)
“Oh, hey, Jeff. Didn’t see you there.”
“We’ve been talking for ten minutes, Bobby.”
“We’re gonna agree to disagree. Also, we have to let you go.”
“Okay…what?”
“It’s just bad timing, man. You could’ve gotten away with it when we were Furthur or The Dead or any other of those last times we toured. But now we’re Dead & Company.”
“Which means?”
“If you’re gonna call yourself ‘& Company’ then you have to act professional, don’t you?”
“Bobby, stop this.”
…
“How the hell do you get arrested for weed in 2015?”
“I can’t help it if I’m lucky.”
“Sure. Anyway, I’m sorry, pal: we cleared out your office and threw all your stuff away.”
“But…”
“Don’t make this harder than it is. Also: do you know any piano players? We just lost ours.”
Suspicious smile, son.
“Aw, man. How’d you get here? It’s 1996.”
Everything happens simultaneously.
“Right. I guess.”
You look like a Mexican woman.
“I have a goatee.”
I stand by my statement.
“Did you chase me back to the Clinton years just to make fun of me?”
No, no: I’ve decided this Ray Spain is a bad influence on you and that’s gonna be it for that relationship, okay?
“Jay Lane.”
Whatever.
“I’ve known the guy forever.”
Billy’s known he has herpes forever. Doesn’t make it right.
“Jay’s a good guy. You wanna meet him.”
Yeah, I’ll give him a piece of my mind. Where is he?
“He’s in the yellow shirt.”
OH, HELL TO THE NO.
© 2026 Thoughts On The Dead
Theme by Anders Noren — Up ↑
Recent Comments