
David Gilmour went to Egypt?
OR
Is that guy rolling a joint with his napkin?
OR
Let’s play everyone’s second favorite fun game: Spot the Nub. Can you see it?
OR
Take that off your head, schmuck.
Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

David Gilmour went to Egypt?
OR
Is that guy rolling a joint with his napkin?
OR
Let’s play everyone’s second favorite fun game: Spot the Nub. Can you see it?
OR
Take that off your head, schmuck.

His name was Pigpen–it wasn’t, really; but that’s what the all the groovies and chickies called him–and he was first to be noticed. All eyes! no matter how doopy and drippy: there he was, not corpulent but solid behind a Vox organ, which is what all the garage bands–they’re called “garage bands” now in homage to their place of birth, even if it’s not true–are playing because it is far less dear than a Hammond or (God forbid) a piano. (“Can you imagine Pigpen playing a piano?” a barefoot girl asked me. “That’s what Shakespeare played!”) And then Jerry Garcia and his hair like a frozen storm cloud: black and tumultuous; he was not thin like the other members of the group, but nor was he as fat as Pigpen and he was so in a different way: a lazy weight, a seated weight, a joint-borne weight:::::::and then they began to make a sound like THRONGTHRONGDAKKA over and over::::::the drummer (who was introduced by a number of appellations: Bill, Billy, the Original White Negro) had several facial tics, and they competed and jousted: cheeks against eyelids in a holding pattern, gritted jaw coming around the flank.
The electric bass player is reportedly the smart one–almost five semesters at San Mateo Community College under the belt his old lady shoplifted from the Army surplus store–and he does not play like the black musicians who prefer an ostinato, instead wandering around the fretboard; sometimes like a cougar searching for prey, and sometimes like a senile pensioner searching for the house she lived in 40 years prior. The “cute” one is called Bob by men, or Bobby by girls, or WEIR! by the rest of the group: he is younger by a few years, and the Grateful Dead are all at an age when a few years matters.
And the rest! My God the hangers-on! Attendants, if you will. Burly brutes for lifting the delicate amplifiers and old ladies for fetching Cokes and skinny dudes in winklepicker shoes rolling numbers (no one calls them “joints” anymore; keep up, keep up) and engorged bikers in denim and leather–the only ones present drinking beer–and “with-it” negros and at least one nastily conspicuous newspaper reporter in a suit and tie.
Don’t forget the chickies! They are everywhere and eternally sixteen (if that); several have removed their blouses to reveal apple-dumpling breasts that remain static with the chickies’ torsos (gravity is a rumor to the chickies!) and they congregate–that is the word, congregate–beneath the “cute” one Bobby; they dance like deboned chickens in an earthquake and Bobby–WEIR!–smiles to himself and throws back his hair which is just as long if not longer than the chickies and 30 minutes, or maybe two, the band stops playing but the crowd keeps going.
The Grateful damned Dead!

Sometimes
They come out of nowhere
And then they fuck off back
Just as quick
We black each other’s eyes
For the scraps they leave
We’ll tear each other
To shreds
For ’em
John the Baptist
He must have had thousands of fingers
For all the knuckle bones he left

Garcia, you are one recognizable motherfucker.
“Yeah, I get that a lot, man. My signal cuts through quite a bit of noise.”
Whatcha doing?
“Being by myself.”
Always nice.
“Until you force it, right?”
Yup.

The green one, obviously, is a VW microbus. I believe Big Red right next to the VW is a Pontiac Firebird made between 1973 and 1978–the rear end only looked like that for those five years–but I can’t see whether or not it’s a Trans Am. (All Trans Ams are Firebirds, but not all Firebirds are Trans Ams.) Brown Betty is maybe a Buick? Could be an Oldsmobile. Possibly a Chrysler.
But what’s the white one? Is it a Volvo? Sucker’s got weird lines to her.
(Oh, yeah, for the newcomers: that fellow is named Harry Mendoza. He played guitar and died.)

It’s like a denim farm exploded.
OR
I would throw these men out of Starbucks.
OR
Is Bobby playing the ‘There was a fly on your head’ game? Yes, Bobby is playing the ‘There was a fly on your head’ game.”
OR
Just don’t look at him.
OR
Ten bucks says Mickey called what he was smoking “SEE-gars.”
OR
Seriously, don’t look at him.

“Gimme my beard back.”
“What?”
“I said, ‘Gimme my–‘”
“I can’t hear you.”
“‘–beard back!’ You can hear me, dickwad.”
“What?”
“I need it, man.”
“I need it, too.”
“Can, uh, you two stop fighting?”
“Shut up, Bobby.”
“Zip it, Weir.”

Hey, Slim.
“Yeah, uh-huh. Little question.”
Get at me, dog.
“Don’t talk like that.”
You’re right. What was the question?
“Wasn’t this site about us?”
It was.
“What happened?”
I drifted.
“Well, hell, if it could happen to Omar Sharif…”
Right?

“Josh, slow down.”
“You’re like 40 years off, Weir.”
OR
Nothing says “professionalism” like a couch pillow lazily stuffed in a bass drum.

Hey, Pig. Whatcha doing?
“Movin’!”
Yeah?
“Groovin’!”
Sure.
“Doin’ it, y’know!”
You were the hardest working man in show business.
“Nah. The ol’ Pig was lazy as sin an’ you know it! I liked to screw an’ watch teevee!”
Nothing wrong with that.
“Me an’ Garcia met the Godfather. I ever tell you this story?”
No.
“1969. Him and us was both playin’ in New York City, so we went uptown to see him. Invited us backstage, gave us cold beers, treated us real nice. Talked to the man for twenty minutes!”
About what?
“I got no idea!”
Sounds right.
“Couldn’t unnerstand a damned word!”
I’ve heard that about James Brown.
“An’ then he fined us fifty bucks apiece.”
I’ve heard that, too.
“We tried tellin’ him that we wasn’t even in his band, but he jus’ doubled the fines on us. That man ran a tight ship!”
You guys played one of his songs.
“It’s a Man’s World. Yeah, I liked doin’ that number.”
Why didn’t you do more of James Brown’s songs?
“Heh. We ain’t got the right kinda bass player.”
Nope. Why do you have two tambourines?
“You only got one, it gets lonely.”
Oh.
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