“Retail politics, Salami-face. Putting in my two cents and not taking any wooden nickels. Later on, I’m gonna go down to the Tam-O-Shanter and get blitzed.”
I thought you didn’t drink.
“I don’t. They got a jar full of pickled eggs’ll set you reeling. Health Department keeps raiding the place, but I’ve been getting loose off those eggs for three decades now. Health Department can’t tell Joey B. where to eat.”
Uh-huh. Polls look good.
“Always. Brave men and women. First the Nazis, then the Commies. Tough row to hoe.”
Not the Poles. The polls. Where they call randos and ask ’em who they’re voting for.
“Oh, yeah. Those are coming around. Looking finer than Carolina. Big happy yay.”
SEMI-BELOVED POLITICIAN PULLING A CELL PHONE FROM HIS POCKET NOISE
“You ever see one of these? It’s a phone! But it goes in your pocket! Here, make a call. It’s not a trick.”
“There’s also something called ‘texting.’ Or ‘sexting.’ One of those. I don’t understand all of it, but my grandkids tell me it’s great.”
Dammit. Hey, Lillian Monster.
“I DEMAND ALL ABSENTEE BALLOTS BE PRINTED ON SUSTAINABLY-HARVESTED LEAVES!”
BEST: Former President Barack Obama giving the Democratic base the red meat it had been craving from him since the day he was supplanted by Trump. His impassioned and inspiring words gave all who heard them the impetus to vote this November like they’d never voted before. WORST: The possum attack halfway though President Obama’s speech was unfortunate. Both possums and former Presidents contain more blood than you’d imagine. Poor optics for the Dems.
BEST: The inclusion of Republican voices indicated the Democrats were now the party of the Big Tent, signalling to moderates and centrists that a Biden Administration would be one that strives to reach across the aisle and compromise. WORST: Colin Powell’s weird rant about “re-invading Iraq.” Is that even possible? I guess we’ll find out.
BEST: The delightful and joyous celebration of America in all her regional glory that was the Roll Call. Each state appeared in its own video, highlighting their idiosyncrasies and playful goofiness, tho weighed down by the burden of history. Sure, we’re Americans. But the country is the United States. WORST: The delegate from Idaho shouldn’t have taken his balls out. I know he was trying to make a point about potatoes, but I disagree with his storytelling choices. His balls were really hairy, too, and potatoes shouldn’t be hairy at all, so it was a just a total fiasco.
BEST: Bill Clinton, for a small segment of Gen-Xer’s who, despite all evidence, still feel an affection towards the man they know as Bubba, who played saxophone on a chitty-chat show one time. WORST: Bill Clinton, for everyone else.
BEST: Joe Biden’s personal stories of loss, faith, and struggle resonate with hard-working, red-blooded Americans. WORST: Holy shit, Joe Biden’s life is depressing. The guy’s cursed or something.
BEST: Rating are up 40% from 2016! WORST: That was a lie. The ratings are terrible because no one wants to watch iPhone videos of non-performers giving speeches to their backyards. The balloons were the point. We mock the balloons, but the National Conventions were–and had been for 50 years–teevee shows with a specific and well-evolved quality of production. The show had expectations to meet: the shots of dancing uggos in the audience, the pontificating nonces in the press booth, the quadrennial speech that train-wrecked, and–of course–the balloon drop. Ten-thousand red, white, and blue balloons floating down onto a packed crowd is fine teevee. John Kerry sitting alone in his kitchen is less entertaining. No one wants to watch this shit.
BEST: The Castro Brothers’ interpretive dance about the history of the labor movement. Those two move as one. WORST: In what is known in the show business industry as a “hot mic incident,” Minnesota Senator Amy Klobuchar was recorded choking to death, and then gutting, a staffer. That’s just bad message discipline, and it’s the sort of thing that your opponent uses in ads. You don’t go handing your enemy swords.
BEST: Hillary Clinton laying out with lawyerly precision the danger that would arise in allowing Donald Trump a second term.
WORST: She told us how dangerous it would be to let him have a first term four years ago and nobody fucking listened, and we’ve only gotten dumber as a society since then, so hope is fool’s gold at this point. Bolt a tent to the top of your SUV and head for the Low Desert.
BETS: Gimme Fosdick’s Folly in the 3rd, My Portly Bunny in the 5th, and Valentine on the morning line. WURST: No one crams meat into meat casings like the Germans, no one.
BTS: America doesn’t even make its own Boy Bands anymore. We gotta import ’em from Korea. That’s a sign of an empire in decline right there. WORKS: Look upon them, you meat casing, and despair.
Maybe it’s time to call it a night.
No, we’re not there yet, champ. I meant hitting the hay.
“Can we get one of the Biden grandkids to fix the Zoom? Apparently, Joe clicked on something he shouldn’t have and installed a bunch of taskbars.”
“I don’t care if he used to be Speaker of the House; tell Boehner to put out the damn cigarette or he’s not going in-air.”
“John Kasich just made all the interns cry.”
“The President just tweeted out ‘PAY ATTENTION TO ME OR I’LL LAUNCH THE NUKES.’ Do we need to have a response to that?”
“Who has eyes on Beyoncé? I need a 40 on Beyoncé.”
“I know you’re wearing a mask, President Clinton, but I can still see what you’re doing with your tongue.”
“Which Castro brother am I looking at?”
“Are those…wolves…wandering through the Target Center? What the fuck, man? That’s downright post-apocalyptic. I hate this fucking year, man.”
“John Kasich just tackled a staffer.”
“It’s not too late to just do four straight days of Michelle Obama. I’m right about this. Flotus wins us white women. She’s the new Oprah.”
“Yes, I understand that Senator Sanders was promised that he could say whatever he wanted. We’re fine with ‘Defund the police.’ But ‘Collectivize the farms’ is just a bridge too far.”
“Someone tell Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez that she has 35 seconds, and she will be tazed if she goes over. Meg Whitman went long.”
“We need an ambulance at the Biden house. One of the crew called Jil ‘Mrs. Biden’ instead of ‘Dr. Biden,’ and she went for his eyes. He really should’ve known better.”
“You dosed the Native American Caucus? I dosed the Native American Caucus. Jesus, how many people dosed the Native American Caucus? We should go check on them.”
“The staffer that John Kasich tackled called the cops, and when the cops came, John Kasich kicked one of them in the nuts. And he did it in front of his camera, so the Russians and Chinese have that footage now.”
“Gillis, if you mention the fucking balloons one more time, I’m gonna shit in your nostrils. We’re all sad there’s no balloons. Stop bringing it up.”
“Who told Billie Eilish she could give a speech instead of singing? Someone explain to me why the green-haired 19-year-old is discussing the Dodd-Frank Act.”
“Good afternoon. I’m Katy Tur and you’re watching Katy Tur Live on MSNBC. You could find a lake and shit in it, but no: you’re watching MSNBC. Today’s guest is the former Vice-President of the United States Joe Biden. Thank you for being here, sir.”
“No problem, Katy. First off: great sweater. Really shows off your personality.”
“Thank you. Mr. Vice-President, you recently appeared at a forum in Las Vegas where you were questioned on your stance towards marijuana legalization.”
“Wild town, Vegas. They go all night.”
“Could you clarify your opinions for me, sir?”
“Go in the summer. People think it’s too hot, but it can’t be too hot for me. Love that weather. I go in July, sit out at the cabana.”
“Not your opinions about Las Vegas, sir. Will the Biden Administration legalize marijuana at the federal level?”
“Hold your horses, little missy. Put the brakes on. We don’t wanna go passing out marijuana to fifth-graders.”
“No one does.”
“We had a guy back home in Scranton, used to play the trombone with bands. Called him Potto. Always high like a kite, stumbling around, real sloppy guy. Turns out he had a thing for kids. The whole neighborhood found out at once. It was a real different time back then. They found a whole bag full of reefer in his apartment. Maybe that’s what made him do those things.”
“Are you suggesting some sort of link between cannabis and child molestation?”
“It is a gateway drug, Katy. First, you smoke a little hash, then you shoot a bit of dope, and then you touch a kid.”
“That is entirely wrong, sir. I cannot allow that statement to stand unchallenged. Either produce evidence for your claim or retract it.”
“I’m not saying everyone touches kids.”
“It’s happened. Individuals have lived through that particular progression before. Not all. I’ll give you ‘not all.’ Maybe not even a lot. But it’s happened.”
“Are you saying you do not favor legalization?”
“What do we really know about marijuana, Katy? Is it a trick? What are its effects on scoliosis? Can it be reasoned with, or intimidated? I spent four decades in the United States Senate, and I wanna know just what marijuana’s capabilities are. The ins, the outs, really get under the hood. Evidence, Katy. When it comes to marijuana, we need more evidence.”
“You’re saying there should be more research?”
“I wanna see more science. I always wanna see more science. Every morning, Helen–that’s my girl, Helen, you’ve talked to Helen–says, ‘Whaddya want today, boss?’ and I say, ‘Bring me the science!’ I yell it. I love doing the business of America.”
“So you would remove marijuana from the DEA’s list of Schedule I drugs, allowing it to be tested more openly?”
“Katy, that list is the worst of the worst. Real bad hombres. You got your heroin, and you get addicted to that. You run around on the streets like a nut, maybe you got a knife. It’s no way to live, and that’s our family. We love them, but it’s no way to live. LSD is on there, too. Hippies called it acid, and it’s still around, and it is still a rotten apple. Don’t bite it! Acid messes up your mind, and a lot of people never come back. Happened to a guy from my fraternity. Real sharp guy, bright, going places. He took acid. Stabbed people! We can’t have that.”
“Mr. Vice-President, marijuana is provably safer than either heroin or LSD.”
“And ecstasy. That’s a new one. That’s the rave drug. I’ve seen pictures of these parties. Women wear outfits like you wouldn’t believe. Big furry boats, goggles, it’s a wild look. Kills thousands a year. Very dangerous, just like pot.”
“No, sir, ecstasy does not kill thousands a year.”
“Mowing down the dance floor, Katy. It’s underreported how many teens are dying from this stuff. Good teens, not just black kids.”
“And when I hear that people are waving the flag for forced marijuana–”
“No one is for that.”
“–it gooses my pimples. Gooses ’em good.”
“Your pimples and their goositude notwithstanding.”
“What if the pot is laced? Pushers will do that sometimes. They lace the pot.”
“Very rare, sir.”
“I saw Denzel do it. He was a cop. Remember? He was corrupt, but he was so cool. I’m bigger than King Kong! What was the name of it? Him and a white kid, and he makes the kid smoke the wet. Denzel had made the pot ‘wet pot’ and he freaks out. They’re in Denzel’s great car and he’s training–Oh, it’s called Training Day. Right. That makes sense. But, yeah, Denzel makes him smoke the wet, and it just went terribly for the poor soul.”
“It was an excellent film.”
“So maybe that’s what happens? I legalize marijuana, and then someone makes the pot wet?”
“All of it?”
“You never know. Great movie, though. Who’s that guy in it? The one with no body fat?”
“He’s great. Been in a lot of westerns. That guy can ride a horse.”
“Good evening, Iowa, and welcome to the first major Presidential forum devoted to LGBTQ issues. Our sponsors tonight are the Cedar Rapids Gazette, GLAAD, and Season Nine of RuPaul’s Drag Race All-Stars, available on DVD October 7th. I am your host, Lyz Lenz.”
WHITE PEOPLE APPLAUDING PROGRESSIVELY NOISE
“The first candidate we’ll be speaking to is the former Vice-President, Joe Biden.”
“Good for you, honey.”
“Mr. Vice-President, some have–”
“Lemme interrupt you right there, sugar. No one has ever been a better friend to the homosexual, or lady homosexual, or whatever the other letters stand for, than Joe Biden. I considered it, actually. Back in college. Almost went sweet, but then my friend Corn Pop talked me out of it. He said I’d lose respect in the black community. The blacks are not big fans of the gays, at least they weren’t back then. Maybe things have changed.”
“May I continue?”
“Sure. You’re doing a great job.”
“Sir, your record on gay rights is a bit back-and-forth. As a Senator, you voted for the Defense of Marriage Act which defined marriage as being between a man and a woman.”
“Hey, that was 1996. In 1996, it was still illegal for men to wear capri pants.”
“The times have changed, and so have I, even though I’ve always been supportive of the LMNOP community and don’t need to change.”
“I got another story for you. 1954. Me and my dad were in downtown Wilmington. We used to head into town every week to press our faces up against the window of Hirsch’s Appliances and watch I Love Lucy. One night–I think it was the episode where Lucy and Ethel work at the chocolate factory–we see two fellas on the sidewalk going at it. They’re going at it hard, being incredibly homosexual, you know what I mean, and I ask my dad Pop, what’s going on? And he told me all about it. Topping, and bottoming, and all that. My dad really taught me about life.”
“Can we get back to the Defense of Marriage Act vote?”
“Why are we talking about that when we could be talking about when I beat President Obama to the punch on gay marriage? I’d like to bash the former President for a while.”
“For God’s sake why?”
“No idea! Every single one of my advisors tells me not to do it! But I keep on talking trash about the man. World’s a wild place, sweetheart.”
“You should smile more.”
“–the current Vice-President, Mike Pence, signed a bill when he was Governor of Indiana outlawing gay marriage, and has consistently taken positions detrimental to the LGTBQ community, yet you recently referred to his as a ‘decent guy.'”
POLITE YET FIRM BOOING NOISE
“Well, what should I have called him?”
“I don’t know. Maybe not ‘a decent guy.'”
“Listen, little lady: Joe Biden was brought up right by Big Joe Biden. I don’t go sniping people behind their backs, unless it’s President Obama. Christ, he killed a lot of foreigners. In my office, we called him the Drone Ranger.”
“That’s great, Mr. Vice-President. We are out of time and I’m going to move on to our next participant.”
JOE BIDEN WINKING NOISE
“We now come to the senior Senator from Massachusetts, Elizabeth Warren. Senator, thank you for coming.”
“Thank you, Lyz. I would like to open my remarks tonight with a reminder that 18 transgender women of color have been murdered this year alone, and in their honor I will now sing Bette Midler’s The Rose.’
LIZ WARREN SINGING THE ROSE NOISE
“Beat that, bitches. I’ll be out back taking selfies.”
MIC DROPPING NOISE
“Wow, that’s gonna be a tough act to follow. I simply don’t know how anyone, anyone at all, could be a stronger ally to the LGBTQ community than that woman. Our next candidate is Mayor Pete Buttigieg.”
“Mayor Pete, you are the only homosexual in the race–
CORY BOOKER NOT MAKING EYE CONTACT WITH ANYONE NOISE
“–but some have accused you of not being gay enough. How do you answer that?”
“I have no idea how to answer that. I came out in college. I am married to another dude. I was in the Navy, for Christ’s sake. I literally couldn’t get any gayer.”
“And what do you say to the people who claim you’re too gay?”
“I also do not know how to answer that.”
“Finally, there is a contingent of voters that think your level of gayness is just right. Any words for them?”
“LYZ! LYZ! STOP OPPRESSING MY RIGHT TO FREE SPEECH!”
“Stop yelling, Andrew Yang! You’ll have your turn.”
“Lyz, I will give $500 to anyone in this audience who has an egg on them.”
“$700 if it’s a gay egg.”
“Stop it! My questions are now for the writer, spiritualist, and living meme Marianne Williamson. Hello, Ms. Williamson.”
“You have been quoted as saying that AIDS could be cured using the power of positive thinking.”
“Lyz, that’s just not true. It’s a vicious smear from the left, or the right, or whoever cares enough to oppose me. Quite frankly, my team doesn’t have that kind of information. Maybe it’s the Archons of Abbadon. But I never said any such thing.”
“No, I said reiki could cure AIDS.”
“Is that any different?”
“Oh, sure. You need to take a class to do reiki. It’s a whole science. I also believe that doing hot yoga can keep you from getting HIV in the first place.”
“That is not backed up by any science.”
“Lyz, let’s settle this on the astral plane. Project your aura up there. We’ll wrestle.”
“Welcome back to Katy Tur Live on MSNBC. We’re sitting with former Vice-President and current Presidential candidate Joe Biden. Thank you for speaking with us, Mr Vice-President.”
“Call me Joe and sit on my lap.”
“Mr. Vice-President, your campaign seems to keep hitting bumps in the road. You’re markedly centrist in a field that favors progessives, and you’re forever tottering right at the edge of out-of-touch. Also, you’re mildly inappropriate in a way that, while demeaning and disrespectful, isn’t born from malice. The actual President is a straight-up sex criminal, but you being handsy is eliminating.”
“You’re not getting on my lap?”
“It’s that sort of thing, sir.”
“Katy, do you know what retail politics is? It means getting it done in the streets, and moving it forward on the floor. And, in the end, it’s about connecting. It’s that human thing, Katy. I met a woman in Ames, she said her name was Megatron. That didn’t sound right, but I didn’t challenge her. That’s not retail politics. Apparently, everyone in her community was addicted to opiates, including the community itself. The localized concept of community, I suppose. It, uh, “woke up” is what Megatron said, and then it hungered. This is not what Americans were promised, Katy.”
“I hugged her. Megatron. I clasped her tight to my chest, and I could feel my chest hairs rustle as her big boobies pressed against them.”
“It’s a compliment!”
“Mr, Vice-President, let’s move on. Your latest controversy stems from your statements about working with United States Senators who were openly segregationist.”
“Well, hey, racists need roads, too. And wars needed voting for. When it came to the black stuff, I went the other way. And, you know, there was a lot of black stuff with those guys. I guess nowadays you’d call it urban stuff. Whatever you called it, they hated the coloreds. And, you know, back then everyone hated the gays and Jews. There was a lot of common ground in the old days.”
“Many within your party have taken offense at these remarks.”
“Screw ’em. I’m the only one running who’s worked with Nazis before, and I can work with ’em again. See, what’s missing in Washington these days is civility. Used to be that Senators would sexually claim Pages. An elaborate system of trading and borrowing of the young flesh began; it was as much a beloved tradition as the Candy Desk. Pages would die a lot, but their parents were given excellent jobs. Ambassadorships, stuff like that”
“Everyone would know each other. Really know each other, the whole government. Nothing brings men closer than sharing boys, or girls, or maybe going to the shooting range. Capitol Police have a range in the basement, and they let us use the machine guns. Big fun. And, so, conservatives and liberals and Democrats and Republicans can get around the little things and just be together. Sex with young people. Guns, That’s America, Katy, and that’s what the American people want.”
“Don’t get me wrong, now: these guys were racist as hell, and I am not okay with that. When they would start in with their jokes, I would only stay for the first couple minutes. And you didn’t want to get too drunk with ’em. A little drunk was real fun, but they would get all riled up when they got real juiced. The black security guards would step out of sight when they got like that. It was for the best. Kept the peace.”
“Some would say that “the best” would have been the Senators curbing their openly racist behavior.”
“Some would. But you take away Strom Thurmond’s racism, and what does he have left? Katy, again: I’m talking about retail politics. Herman Talmadge was made out of racism. Once saw him beat a Mexican kid half-to-death with a cafeteria tray. I’ll teach you to be Mexican! he kept yelling. Mashed potatoes flying everywhere. Hell of a scene, but there was cordiality between colleagues.”
“If Jesse Helms was such a racist, then why didn’t he ever call me the N-word?”
“Because it would make no sense?”
“That’s right, Katy! It would make no sense. You leave the racism outside the office and you make your deals at the gown-up table. What you have is two positions, right? This is the essence of politics, and of life. You got two positions. Our side says Everybody’s equal, and their side says But not the blacks, and so what you need to do is compromise. You compromise. And, sometimes, you lose a battle to win the war.”
“Jesse and Strom, people forget this or maybe just don’t know it about them, but: they were only politically racist. Face-to-face? Polite as hell to every black they saw. Always said Please and Thank you. Jesse loved the little ones. He’d pull a quarter out from behind their ears, and rub on their heads for luck. Who’s your Momma? he’d yell at the kids. Deaf as a donkey. Do you know who yo’ Daddy is? He’d yell at the kids. Loved ’em. Got a lot done, Strom Thurmond.”
“Strom Thurmond was virulently racist, and quite open about the fact.”
There are now officially 2.33 Wu-Tang Clans-worth of Democrats running for President. Look at the person on your left, and now the one on your right: both of them are running for President, and so are you. Every American not currently wearing a MAGA cap has thrown their hats into the Democratic primaries.
There’s too many of ’em, man! Game over!
Aw, now I’m sad thinking about Bill Paxton. You ruin everything.
May I continue?
May? Yes, you may. I wish you wouldn’t, but I can’t stop you.
Thank you. To get you, the American Enthusiast, all pepped up for what will surely be an enlightening and high-minded campaign that centers on issues, and not personalities, TotD now presents: A Guide for the Perplexed: Democratic Primaries Edition. It will be in alphabetical order because the Atlantic article I’m cribbing all my facts from is in alphabetical order, so it’s easier that way.*
David Michael Bennet Senator from Colorado. Never seen a toad in real life. He’s been places with lots of toads, but they just seem to disappear when he steps outside. Why is that, Father? his daughter asked when she was a child. Why do the toads shun you? For years, he apologized for striking her. But she couldn’t know. No one could know. Not about his deal with the Toad King. Probably real liberal about weed.
Joe Biden Ex-Senator from Delaware, which shouldn’t exist, but the banks need a state to have tax orgies in. It’s a scam with a flag, like having the Cayman Islands be attached to Maryland. Joe is not from Delaware, not originally. He is from Scranton, Pennsylvania, which The Office made fun of as boring, but used to be utterly wretched: coal mines, and poverty, and a near-constant fistcuffery. Joe will tell you all of this while looking you in the eye, maybe grabbing your tit. He will tell you about his father, and how hard the man worked, when he meets you in a diner. You were sitting there, not bothering anyone, eating your meatloaf–they do a good meatloaf here–and now here’s this goon eyefucking you while babbling about his dead father. Hey man, you think, we all got dead dads. Lemme get back to my ‘loaf. But he won’t. Now he’s onto some shit about civilizing discourses and doing the things the right way and you can smell your gravy going cold. Congealing is a chemical reaction; it produces an aroma; this is a fact. You’ve argued about this with Cristianna before. She won’t listen to reason. She’s the best mom in the world, but the woman knows fuck-all about gravy, and she won’t admit it. That’s the annoying part. That she won’t just give up when she’s provably wrong. You demonstrated the congealation. Whipped up some gravy in the kitchen. Head her watch. More importantly, had her smell. And the bitch REFUSED to acknowledge what was plain to anyone, anyone in the world, and now you are eating meatloaf in a typical American diner, being typical, being American, and Uncle Yippy is going to insinuate his way into your meatloaf–the highlight of your day since Cristianna ate the children, which you also disagreed with her about–and now you’re pissing on Joe Biden, mightily. The Secret Service get you, but not before you get him. You pissed all over that big fucker. Good for you.
Seth Moulton I have never heard of this person. Apparently, he is a Harvard-educated former Navy Seal who has served three terms in the House for Massachusetts. Impressive resume, but his name is Seth and therefore he cannot be President of the United States. Our enemies would think us weak if we elected a “Seth.” No go.
Eric Swalwell A “swalwell” is a English term that might date back to Brythonic language; it means “to gnash the peasants.”
Mike Gravel Mike Gravel is your pick, Enthusiasts. He’s 88 and ran out of fucks last century; the Twin Towers were still up when Senator Gravel saw his final fuck float away. Plus, he wants to end all military activity, send all the teens to college, and pay for your splenectomies. And abolish the Electoral College. And break up the big tech companies. And he doesn’t want to be President; he’s just letting some idealistic young punks run his campaign for him. Mike Gravel is the Grateful Deadest candidate.
Tim Ryan Wasn’t he the Speaker of the House? I do not know who this creature is, and he has a hatefully boring name. If your name is something as dreary as “Tim Ryan,” you owe it to the world to acquire a cool nickname. You should be Timbledon, Tim. Hop to it.
Kristen Gillebrand No. it’s Kirstin Gilliband. You have no idea, and neither do I. She is the Senator from New York who isn’t straight out of a Phillip Roth novel. NOTE: lady.
Beto O’Rourke Fuckable. Good at the talky-talk. Thoroughly underqualified. Stupid first name and Irish last name. We would never elect a man like that.
JohnHickenlooper This guy is Colorado’s Jerry Brown, basically. All the positions you’d imagine he holds, he holds. Except for the thing where he wants to nuke Spain, and that he would do it immediately upon taking office. Like, he wouldn’t even give a speech; just say the oath and grab for the football so those Catalonian fucks get what’s coming to them.
Jay Inslee Made up. Not a real person.
Bernie Sanders Fuck Commie Grandpa.
Amy Klobuchar I try to never refer to Schrödinger and his theorem, as it’s such a cliche, but the man’s insight does come to mind when one contemplates Donald Trump as this moment (5/3/19): he is both The Most Beatable Incumbent In History or Allfather Trump, (PBUH). None of the candidates have, so far, used the slogan The Dummy is Costing you Money. They should go with that.
Elizabeth Warren Basketball Head would have her for lunch. She would sit there on the table getting cold next to a pile of Wendy’s chicken sandwiches, and some poor college athletes would have to eat her. The athletes were given much direction by the Athletic Director before they entered the White House. Plus, the Pocahontas deal. Not the name itself, which Turnip is a piece of shit for promulgating, but how she handled it. A DNA test? You introduced facts into a fight with Donald Trump? BUSH LEAGUE. Stay in the Senate.
Kamala Harris His head would explode. His giant, spherical, peach-colored head would explode. She wouldn’t even have to do anything, just be a black lady around him.
Pete Buttigieg Homosexuals can’t be President; it’s in the Bible. The fact is also the basis of several Dukes of Hazard episodes which don’t get included in the DVD compilations.
Julian Castro Julian Castro has been the next big star of the Democratic Party for 40 or 50 years now. And he’s a twin. Twins can’t be President, either. That’s not in the Bible, but it should be.
John Delaney Before your mom met your dad, she fucked a lot of dudes. And before your dad met your mom, he fucked a lot of dudes, too.
Tulsi Gabbard That was childish, the last one. You’re right. Fuck Tulsa Gobbler. Hawaii’s shouldn’t be a state, either. Delaware, Hawaii, Rhode Island: done. The Dakotas should be combined, as should Wisconsin/Michigan, Illinois/Indiana, and Alabama/Mississippi. Arkansas should be given to the Chinese as a gift of friendship. (The Chinese are killing us, folks. Just killing us. Belt and Road? Very bad for round-eye.)
Andrew Yang Reddit loves this guy, so fuck this guy. No memes. I want the next President to be young, but not young enough that their memery is any good.
Marianne Williamson She is an inspirational speaker. I never get inspired by inspirational speakers. I always picture them alone in their hotel rooms after their speeches.
Cory Booker Homosexuals can’t be President; it’s in the Bible.
Steve Bullock Ah, shit, y’all: Deadwood trailer.
A very quick deployment of Google-Fu does not reveal whether Steve Bullock, current Governor of Montana, is related to Seth Bullock, former Sheriff of Deadwood.
Wayne Messam Admit that you don’t know whether or not I made this guy up. Admit that you had to look him up. And, hey: it’s not like I blame you, but don’t get up on your high horse. Also: stop getting your horse high. Mickey used to do that shit, and it’s not right.
Bill DeBlasio Mayor of New York City is a better job than President of the United States, at least if you’re a politician.
*Apparently, it is not in alphabetical order. You live, you learn.
“Call me Joe. Everybody calls me Joe. And get on in here for some Delaware-style hugging. C’mon. Do it right.”
FIFTEEN-SECOND HUG NOISE
“You did it right. Absolutely did it right.”
“Okay, this right here is why I was called. Sir, my name is Lady Jenkins and I’ve been hired by the DNC. to consult with your campaign. I work with brands in crisis, and there are two things we have to do here: eliminate the behavior and pivot the narrative.”
“You’re a straight-shooter, Jenkins. I like that. Reminds me of my father, but you’ve got better yabbos.”
“Sir, the label of ‘handsy’ is starting to stick to you, and from there it’s a straight-shot to ‘creepy.’ And women do not vote for creepy. There’s your straight shot, Mr. Vice-President. You are in a death spiral here.”
“I should address the American people on the whaddyacallit. The thing on my phone.”
“That, yeah, whatever. Y’can’t call Cronkite up for an interview any more, huh? Walt was a pisser. Had a prick like Secretariat. Heavy-built guy, Cronky. Reporters used to be guys you could drink with and look at their dicks. Rachel Maddow’s never shown me her dick. I don’t know which way is up these days.”
“It’s amazing how far a tall, white man with a lust for power can get.”
“God bless America.”
“I do agree that you need to make a statement.”
“How about I whisper it into your ear?”
“We’ll do one of those whattyacallits. ACLU’s. The thing where the little sounds are big.”
“ASMR, sir. Please do not whisper into my ear.”
“Can I shout up your butthole?”
“God, no. That’s completely inappropriate, sir.”
“Now. That’s inappropriate now. I’m an old-school guy. Raised in Scranton. Moved to Delaware for the action. That’s me, Joe Biden. I love the people, so I wanna get close to ’em. That’s old-school politics. You pat the tush. Squeeze the shoulder. Lick the neck.”
“You cannot lick any more necks, sir.”
“I mean, gosh. I am as as far to the left as you can get–”
“You have voted for every war you were able to vote for.”
“–but this PC culture is getting out of hand. It’s like these people want to make all sorts of laws about what you can and can’t do to a person.”
“Yes, sir. You got that accidentally right.”
“Joe likes to improvise. That time with the ordinary folks, that’s what they can’t teach. Best part of being Vice-President was walking into diners and bars across this great nation, and getting to know everyday people. You ask ’em what they do, about their kids, all that crap. And then you go with them. Let them lead the conversation. And sometimes that leads to tickling.”
“Oh, yeah. Big tool in the toolbox. I tickle hard, too. I drill deep. Lotta my staff calls me the Ticklemonster. Isn’t that great, folks having fun nicknames?”
“Sir, you cannot tickle strangers.”
“They’re not strangers after the tickling. We go through that together. It’s a bonding that occurs.”
“Okay, I’m just gonna get to the point: no physical contact except handshakes.”
“Are we counting boobs for hands?”
“It’s the way it has to be, sir. And then we have to work on how to get the press’ attention somewhere else.”
“How about we leak that Elizabeth Warren used to mud-wrestle under the name The Sexy Squaw?”
“Is that true?”
“Oh, yeah. That’s how she put herself through school. She doesn’t compete anymore, but she’s still got the thighs of a grappler.”
“We’ll leave that part out.”
“Wait, you said no physical contact, right?”
“So I can take it out?”
“Why would you?”
“You need to make a personal connection with the voter. Leave ’em with a story to tell the boys at the bar, or the ladies at the card game. ‘I met that Joe Biden. That’s a real Delaware guy. He took it out.’ That’s what you call retail politics.”
“Don’t take it out.”
“What if it just falls out?”
“Sir, it never just falls out. The efficacy of trousers is incomparable.
“I don’t understand what’s going on. Everything’s changing. What’s the point of holding office unless you get to purp some nurp. Most of the ladies love it. Biker chicks. You should see me with biker chicks. They grab my root and call the President a certain word, but they do it real quiet. That’s the salt of the earth right there. Hands right on my root. They work the root, too. Like farmers till the soil.”
“Stop calling it a root. Sir, you need to confront this problem, head-on and immediately, and cease any weird behavior towards women. The only path to the White House leads through taking on these accusations properly.”