“Hey, dangletits.”
Why are you with Randos? Randos are the worst people to be near right now.
“Being closed sucked, so I used the Time Sheath to bring Terrapin Crossroads back to 2006.”
The whole place?
“Even the bocce courts. Best decision I’ve made in years. People spent a ton of money in 2006. Everyone keeps telling me about all the houses they’re flipping, and I try real hard not to laugh at ’em.”
I didn’t know the Time Sheath could do that.
“That’s because you’re a dolt. The power of time travel makes one nigh-on omnipotent.”
Nigh-on?
“You heard me, buttmunch.”
Did you bring Jill?
“Of course I brought Jill. And the Busboys and the Family Band.”
You brought Grahame?
“He’s safer with me, and 2020 is safer with him here.”
You would know best.
CELL PHONE NOISE
“I’m gonna take this because I hate talking to you, and would accept any excuse to not have to do so.”
Okee-doke.
…
“Thanks for calling Terrapin Crossroads, where we’ll toss you in an antique bathtub full of shrimp for $49.99. Phil speaking.”
“Great gadzooks, I would like to take me one o’ them shrimp baths. Y’all got ketchup or do I need t’bring my own?
“Who the fuck is this?’
“It’s me, your new business partner, Joe Exotic.”
“Fuck off.”
“You listen on up, hombre! I’m offerin’ you the ultimate attraction for that hash-house o’ yours.”
“What?’
“Tigers. You gonna be the only restaurant in Marin County what got tigers roamin’ around th’ grounds.”
“Which one are you, Siegfried or Roy?”
“I am neither, but have been mistaken for both.”
“I can’t have any damn tigers. You said it yourself: it’s Marin County. You can go to jail for misgendering a dog. I’m serious, they just passed that. You meet a new dog and say what a good boy it is, but it turns out it’s a girl? Right to jail.”
“That ain’t freedom. That’s communistic.”
“Whattya gonna do?”
“Fine, no tigers. How about a liger?”
“A what?”
“Liger. Cross-breed of a lion and tiger.”
“I didn’t know you could mate a lion and a tiger. How does that work?’
“Lotta the time, it don’t.”
“is that even natural? Is it supposed to happen?”
“I have found that ‘supposed to’ is a phrase I don’t have much use for. I’m more of a ‘can’ or ‘can’t’ kinda guy. You’d love ligers. They’s about 12 feet long and 800 pounds and riddled with mental deficiencies.”
“That’s a monster, you heedless twit. You’re describing a monster.”
“There’s other stuff I made. Got me a chimputan. That’s a chimp mixed with an orangutan. We call her Miss Frizzle, cuz she got the hair like that lady in the cartoon. I also got a cheekey, which is a cheetah crossed with a donkey. We call the cheekey Scrambled Eggs, cuz that’s what its genitalia looks like. And I don’t think its bones are in the right places.”
“I’m not buying any of your abominations.”
“How about Joe Exotic, Jr.?”
“What is that?”
“I mixed in my own precious seed with a little bit of everything I had. Tiger, lion, a couple capybaras. Squirted the concoction up a bison’s cooter, and nine months later I had a son. He was a bit globbier than I’d imagined my child would be, but I see Jesus in the boy’s heart. It’s easy, cuz his heart’s on the outside of his chest.”
“You are banned from Terrapin Crossroads.
DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES NO LONGER DO THAT
“Hey, cockgobbbler.”
Yes?
PHIL SLAP!
Ow!
“Stop making me talk to assholes, asshole!”
How did you even do that?
“Don’t worry about it.
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