Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Happy Place

Hey, Billy. Why are you at the Farewell Shoes?

“Looking for a happy place, Ass. Not gonna lie: I’m freaked out.”

But you’ve had so many diseases before.

“Sexually-transmitted! You could get a shot and be cured, and plus it was fun acquiring ’em. Not so much with the carnivorous virus.”


“I’m pretty sure it’s carnivorous. It came from bats. This is a dracula-related syndrome. Goddamn Chinese and their draculas.”


“Whole country is crawling with ’em. One out of every six Chinese is a secret dracula.”

I’m just gonna concede the point and move on. What are you doing to protect yourself?

“I got more guns than you can shake your dick at.”

How are you protecting yourself against the virus.

“Not gonna lie, I have fired off warning shots.”

Of course.

“And I got the whole compound on lockdown. There are a couple mines.”

You shouldn’t mine your property.

“There’s no law that says I can’t.”

There are many laws that say precisely that. Local, state, federal, and even international. Do not lay mines, Billy.

“Yeah, here’s the thing–”

You forgot to write down where you buried the mines?

“–I didn’t write down…yeah, that. So I have no idea where they are. Mines have an inherent flaw as a weapon.”



“I gotta take this. It might be skank.”

You’re still consorting with skank during all this?

“They don’t come over or anything. I make ’em point the phones at their buttholes while they take a Duolingo class. It’s my new thing.”

Do it to it.

“This is Kreutzann. Talk me off.”

“Ooh, I like your phone manners. You a rascally little possum.”


“It’s Joe Exotic. I done cured up coronavirus in a back trailer at my zoo.”

“I’ve taken lots of shit made in zoo trailers. Keep talking.”

“Mixed me up some ketamine with a bunch o’ other shit I ordered off of the internet. I call it Charlie Sheen.”


“Cuz there’s also tiger blood in there. Well, tiger everything. You ever seen a duck press?”


“I put a cub in one ‘ them. Squeezed it ’til it was juice. There was a refinin’ process after that. I know what I’m doin’.”

“And it can definitely cure the cappadonna? I did what Trump said and drank quinine. Well, I had a shitload of gin and tonics. I’m also looking into colloidal silver.”

“Drinkin’ it?”

“Investing. As a hedge against inflation.”

“I wouldn’t know nothin’ ’bout the economy. I was not educated.”

“Not at all?”

“Not even a little bit. There was laws against teaching homosexuals to read as recently as two years ago in Oklahoma.”

“So why do you stay?”

“Cuz there ain’t no laws whatsoever ’bout whether or not a man can own 800 fuckin’ tigers. Y’gotta make tradeoffs in this life.”

“How fast can you get your drug to Hawaii?”

“How fast c’n you hire me a private plane?’

“I can’t.”

“How fast can you buy me a first-class ticket?”

“I can’t.”

“How fast c’n you buy me a business–”

“You’re flying coach, fuckwit. And you’re getting a Silkwood shower when you get here.”

1 Comment

  1. John


    That right there is my quinine.

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