Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: keith richards

Somewhere, Johnny Depp Is Cumming Into His Many Fine Bandanas

There’s a copy of The Great Shark Hunt staring at me from the bookshelf; it’s sitting right next to both volumes of Fear and Loathing. I don’t want to revisit the Good Doctor. I can’t put myself through that. I can’t put you through that.

I might, though.

Mick Shares The Mic

I just assume every attractive woman ever photographed with Mick has banged him. Why wouldn’t you? That’s one you tell your grandkids about.

“Wook, it’s Winda Wonstadt.”

You would be so interesting to talk to if you knocked it off with the accent.

“Yaw th’ one wivva ak-sent. Oi speak wivva Queen’s Engwish, Oi do.”

You’re unbearable.

ALSO

Who thought Linda was Mick for a couple seconds? They’ve got the same haircut, and Mick would absolutely wear her outfit.

O, those celebrities and their lithe thighs.

“Oi have no idea ‘oo this is.”

Carrie Underwood.

“Oi would.”

Well done. You just do these duets so you have a chance to hit on these women, right?

“An’ cross-demographic marketin’ concerns, but mostly you’re right.”

Good to know. Her name is Carrie and don’t mention American Idol.

“Fanks.”

No one needed to scroll down and find this. It was wrong of me to include in the post. Your anger is justified, and I suggest you take your business to some other Grateful Dead-themed website that goes weeks without mentioning the Dead. I’m ashamed of myself.

I can make this right.

Y’know, thinking about it: Keith’s cock does not make it right. I don’t know why I originally believed it would. Again: all of this is my fault. You shouldn’t have to sit through such silliness. You’re better than this.

Careful, Mick. I think she’s a druid or something.

“Utter bosh, that is. Wuv-wee wedhead.”

What if you just imitated an American accent?

“Well, hello dere. I be–”

NOT A BLACK AMERICAN ACCENT! It’s not 1971 anymore, man.

“We ‘ad sev’ral numbah one ‘its where Oi pretended t’ be a black man.”

I know them all by heart, but still.

“Fink.”

Think? Think about what?

“No, I wuz callin’ you a fink.”

Ah.

Anything You Want, We Got It Right Here In The U.S.A.

Some folks want real fucked-up shit, though.

Like The Rolling Stones

keeith-richards-mick-jagger-bob-dylan-70s

This year’s James Beard Award has been awarded to Mick Jagger and Keith Richards for their contributions to the culinary world.

Also: I know where Bob got his shirt: a store. Where Mick and Keith found whatever you would call their garments is beyond me.

Feel The Real Bern

Wanna know how respected Bernie Worrell is?

Here’s the band for this track:

 

  • Clavinet, Synthesizer, Organ, Lead Vocals: Bernie Worrell
  • Bass: Bootsy Collins
  • Drums: Steve Jordan
  • Keyboard: Herbie Hancock
  • Guitar: Keith Richards, Jimmy Ripp, Bootsy Collins
  • Saxophone: Maceo Parker
  • Background Vocals: Gary Cooper, Sheila Washington, Jody Bell, Doug Duffey

Forget about Herbie Hancock and Keith Richards: Bernie got Gary Cooper, and he’s been dead since 1961. That’s respect.

(Also: that is the laziest album cover I’ve ever seen. Love you, Bernie, but it’s true.)

 

Unnecessary Roughness

keith violentWe’re done with the Stones, but this is too much fun not to share.

Also: this would never happen at a Dead show. First off, those balloons would be far too valuable at a Dead show to just waste throwing on the guitar player.

Second, if a Deadhead did rush the stage…wait: a Deadhead would never “rush” the stage. Accidentally stumble out on? Yes. Happen upon? Totally: a Deadhead could absolutely happen upon the stage. (“Hey, guys: look what I found!”)

Third, none of the three guitar-wielding members of the Dead would ever use their instruments as weapon, as each one of them cost as much as a Honda, but featured none of the reliability that Civics and Accords are known for.

Fourth, the Dead’s crew was a little more proactive than the Stones’, apparently. Parish would have given the guy a forearm shiver before he had hit the stairs.

Guitar Showdown

JM ronnie wood keefOnce again, TotD reminds everyone that while the Whatever’s Left Of The Dead is as goofy-looking as ever, no one’s wearing clothes meant for 20-year-olds and giant scarves to hide their old man heads.

But, like the most famous song Keith ever wrote says, “Hope I die before I get old.”

An Open Letter To Enthusiasts

Enthusiasts, we must look to Lincoln. Father of the Republic. Hero of the Revolution. Fighter of Nazis. Wearer of Hats. Remember Lincoln’s words: “I’ll give ’em the vote, but they can’t walk through the front door or anything.”

Different words.

Lincoln also mentioned something about fooling people, and the limits inherent. The facts are these:

JM ronnie wood keef
Good enough to jam with the Stones.

JM rootsWhenever The Roots are playing a Marriott ballroom someone left unlocked, they call Johnny.

phil john mayer jammingPhil thought his playing was good enough to overlook whatever that garment he’s wearing might be.

In all sincerity: maybe we should give him a chance.