“It’s your turn to call him, Senor Prime Minister.”
“No, Mister President. I called him this afternoon.”
“How many times did you explain NAFTA to him?”
“Seven.”
“Wow.”
“I counted.”
“Justin, I can’t take another conversation with this baboso. I got problems of my own.”
“Your people are not fond of you.”
“They truly despise me. How you doing?”
“The internet loves me.”
“How about Canada?”
“Mixed.”
“What if we both call him?”
“At the same time?”
“Double-team him.”
“Ew.”
“Sorry.”
“Not a great image.”
“Not like the last guy.”
“Peña, I’m not gay but I would totally have gotten my three-way on with the two of you.”
“We were the hottest continent.”
“Dude, by faaaaaar we were the hottest. You seen some of the scrubs running Asian countries?”
“Muy feo. So: we both call him. Good cop, bad cop.”
“Yeah, maybe. Who’s the bad cop?”
“We’re talking to Donald Trump, man. Obviously, the guys with the Mexican accent is gonna play the bad cop.”
“Right.”
“Head in the game, Trudeau.”
“You’re right, you’re right. I got my mind on the playoffs.”
“What is it with you people and hockey?”
“You people?”
…
“Justin, mi amigo.”
“Peña, my friend.”
“Let’s not fight.”
“We need to stick together.”
“Si. We just need to weather this storm. Okay, so when we call, you’ll talk about the proud and long history of the Canadian/American relationship, and I’ll threaten him with nationalizing the Ford plant in Chihuahua.”
“Don’t say Chihuahua.”
“No?”
“He’ll start thinking about dogs and we’ll lose him.”
“Si, si.”
“And I don’t know if the history approach will work. The president doesn’t know any history.”
“You think he knows who fought the War of 1812?”
“I don’t think he knows when it happened.”
“You got a plan?”
“You still got El Chapo wrangled or did he get away again?”
“We got him in one of those all-plastic numbers like where they keep Magneto.”
“Super. Give him to Trump.”
“I’m not handing a Mexican national, no matter how big of a criminal, to that jackass. Or any president, for that matter. Out of the question.”
SONIDO DE TEXTO
…
“Besides, El Chapo just escaped again.”
“He’s good.”
“Slippery.”
“Peña, listen: every leader has burdens. Our predecessors have faced wars, depressions, droughts. Trump is our burden. He’s our World War II.”
“I am not up to this task.”
“Probably me neither, buddy, but here we are.”
“Si. Okay. But it’s your turn to call him.”
“I got an idea.”
“I’m open to anything.”
“What if I FaceTime him? And when I explain NAFTA again, I use a whiteboard and markers and visual aids?”
“That’s not bad. But call soon.”
“Why?”
“Almost teevee time.”
“Oh, right, yeah. I’ll talk to you afterwards.”
“Bueno suerte.”
“You, too, ehh?”
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