Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: mickey hart (Page 29 of 71)

What If Chuck Lorre Wrote The Dead’s Amazon Show?

February 29, 2016 / / 3 Comments

INT – MASSIVE APARTMENT THE ENTIRE DEAD LIVES IN FOR SOME REASON – DAY

GARCIA and MICKEY are sitting on the couch. BOBBY is in the kitchen.

BOBBY
Do we have anything but 2% milk?

MICKEY
No. Why?

BOBBY
Well, I’ve been reading the label. It doesn’t say
what the other 98% is!

AUDIO CUE: LAUGH TRACK

MRS. DONNA JEAN enters in a towel. There is another towel wrapped around her head.

AUDIO CUE: “WOOOOOO!”

BOBBY
Oh, no! A suicide bomber!

MRS. DONNA JEAN
It’s a towel, Bob. Not a turban.

AUDIO CUE: RACIST, LOWEST-COMMON-DENOMINATOR LAUGH TRACK

GARCIA
So, what’s with the getup?

MRS. DONNA JEAN
I bought some new herbal shampoo from
Big-Donged Sheila and LOOK!

Mrs. Donna Jean REMOVES THE TOWEL and her hair is TIE-DYE.

AUDIO CUE: “OHHHHHHHH!”

MICKEY
Well, Donna: you wanted to be a Grateful Dead,
and now you’ve got a grateful head!

AUDIO CUE: LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE, ME SHOOTING MYSELF

Dead Carpet

February 28, 2016 / / 1 Comment

IMG_3543

Hey, Bill Walton. Who are you wearing?

“Someone gave me this t-shirt for free.”

Great.

mickey striped shirt mallets 80s

Hey, Mickey. Who are you wearing?

“Sailor shirt to make fun of Weir.”

Still doing that?

“Always.”

Okay.

 

img_3483

Hey, Bobby. Who are you wearing?

“Everything I have on came from Creepy Ernie’s.”

Yeah.

Phil Lesh at the -So Far- video.org2

Hey, Phil. Who are you wearing?

“Shirt Jill bought for me.”

Sure. You wanna maybe do up another button or two?

“I do not.”

Good talk.

billy wtf

Hey, Billy. Who are you wearing?

“Mickey’s crotch-horns.”

Cool.

“Gonna blast ’em at that Leo kid.”

Very cool.

tumblr_mt34bepyAI1rflr63o1_500

Hey, Josh Meyers. Who are you wearing?

“Oh, interesting that you should ask today; I’ve made some unusual choices with my ensemble. The jacket is Tom Ford, but for my shirt–”

Jesus, I should have known better.

“–I went with Brunello Cucinelli, which is just wild, right? But I figure–”

Please stop talking about your clothes.

“–man can’t live on Tom Ford alone, right?

Ch-KLACK

KABLAMMO!

…

“Did you just blow your brains out?”

I did, yes.

pope francis poncho

Hey, Pope Francis. Who are you wearing?

“I’m-a wearing da poncho!”

I see that.

“Pope-a can’t-a get wet. Little popes shoot-a off-a da back.”

You’re thinking about mogwai, Your Holiness.

“Can’t-a be too careful. Already got-a one too many popes-a.”

You and Benedict not getting along?

“He-a start with-a da vaping!”

Oh, that’s not okay.

“Every conversation witta da guy.”

That’s terrible.

“Eh. Whatcha gon’ do? I-a forgave him.”

You’re big on forgiveness.

“It’s-a what I do.”

jerry young les paul butt

Hey, Garcia. Who are you wearing?

“C’mon, man. Get outta here with that bullshit.”

You’re the only one who gave the right answer.

“What else is new?”

My Final Form

February 24, 2016 / / 7 Comments

mickey beam crazy bows

Hey, Mickey. Whatcha doing?

“Becoming a human drum.”

Right.

…

Mick?

“Speak up.”

Mick!?

“Yeah?”

Do you have a secret plan in place to have your remains turned into a drum when you die? Like: tan your skin and that’s the drum head?

“No.”

Okay.

“The plan’s not secret.”

Walked into that one. Is it legal?

“Not at all. Billy’s gonna steal me.”

And take you your body to a tanner, and then the hide to a drum-maker that will work with leather made from man?

“I got a guy.”

Sure.

“You’re skeptical.”

That’s not the word.

“A man can’t be a drum? Maybe I identify as a drum.”

Sure, fine. The thing is: didn’t you have a drum made out of a skull and the thing was bad mojo?

“Oh, yeah. We had to hire many holy men to clean the house, in a spiritual sense. But that guy didn’t want to be a drum; that means it’s bad to drum on him. I do, so it’s good energy.”

That makes a weird amount of sense.

…

Mickey?

“Uh-huh?”

You like the new layout?

“I don’t read your blog.”

Okay. Mickey?

“Yeah?”

What’s in the wicker basket?

“Candy.”

Can I have some?

“No.”

Okay.

Kickstart My Heart Of Gold Band

February 21, 2016 / / 7 Comments

I find some weird shit on the innertubes, but Spencer has everyone beat: here’s Bobby, Mickey, Joan Baez, and Tommy Lee playing a semi-acoustic Not Fade Away for Earth Day.

Of note: Joan’s dancing (as bad as her singing), Mickey’s tasteful Dead shirt-wearin’, and the guitarist’s (Michael Kang?) ultra-hyper-beyond-cool five-string Ibanez. Tommy Lee does not take his penis out once, but we already know what it looks like.

In Which Mickey Hart Meets A Beatle (But Not An Eagle)

February 17, 2016 / / 4 Comments

mickey ringo joe walsh“I don’t have the money, Ringo. I’m gonna get it.”

“Y’better fuckin’ get it, y’bastard. I’ll kick you right in the shins.”

OR

“Hey, Ringo. What are you and Joe Walsh talking about?”

“Sobriety.”

“Nice talking to you.”

OR

“Why do they call you Ringo?”

OR

“Y’know, Mickey, after the Dead & Company tour wraps up, we’d love to have you on my All-Stars tour. It’s a lot of fun.”

“Ringo, I’d love to. What an honor. I have twelve trucks full of equipment and a traveling staff of seven.”

“Nice talking to you.”

OR

“Ringo, did you know the Dead played many Beatles songs?”

“I didn’t. Did you play them well?”

“Oh, no. Not at all. Uniformly our worst covers. Plus, we half-assed our way through ’em. Sounded kinda like the band that came in second in the Battle of the Bands at the high school.”

“If it makes you feel better, The Beatles were terrible live. Or, you know: we would have been. The road wasn’t for us, you know. We preferred to stay in London and make records, and then go on vacation. Was that the Dead’s strategy?”

“No, we went to Wisconsin in the winter.”

“Oh.”

“And then we went back in the summer.”

“Is it nicer then?”

“Very humid.”

“Oh.”

OR

“Is that a rented tux?”

“Of course not. I got it from Creepy Ernie.”

“I thought he just did trousers.”

“He’s expanding. You know Creepy Ernie?”

“Was in there the other day. Went on this out-of-nowhere rant about how ‘cocksucker’ was a misunderstood word.”

“Yeah, he’ll do that.”

“Then he grabbed my gentleman’s sausage and asked if I wanted to get hard with a little help from my friends.”

“I always found it nice how Ernie individualizes his perversions to the specific customer.”

“Old-fashioned service.”

He Needed The Sheet Music?

February 8, 2016 / / 0 Comments

img_3327“Seventeen shows, Mick. You can make it?”

“Can I drum?’

“You’d be contractually obliged to do so.”

“Oh, great. Real loud?”

“Sure.”

“How many drums can I bring?”

“Mick, you have the same amount of space in the truck as last time.”

“But I’ve bought so many more drums since then.”

“And think of how many more you’ll be able to buy.”

“Ooh, yeah. Do I get a bass drum?”

“That’s something to think about. Definitely something to think about.”

“Okay, I’ll do it.”

“You wanna know who’s in the band?”

“Don’t give a shit.”

“Okay.”

…

“Can I go on the tour?”

“Jer, we’ve discussed this.”

Look Up Here

February 1, 2016 / / 0 Comments

img_3280Haven’t had a good group shot in a while. We’ll go left to right for as long as we can, but there’s so much bullshit here. So much bullshit.

  • Seriously: so much bullshit.
  • Billy looks…
  • …
  • Jesus, I can’t deal with this; there’s so much wrong.
  • Okay, let’s do this: Billy looks like a friendly Italian baker who likes to fuck the cannoli before he sells it.
  • “I-a bake-a wit’ love-a!”
  • Billy’s eyebrows also look like his mustache’s children.
  • Phil had to leave the photo shoot early to meet his Newsie LARPing group at the park.
  • The Grateful Dead were not a hat band, and Phil is not a hat person, and that is an ugly hat.
  • It’s as if you went to see a badly written play starring terrible actors at a condemned theater: there is a failure at every level.
  • I hope the other guys gave him shit.
  • We’ll circle back to the two band members who are not looking at the camera.
  • As always, Bearded Mickey is terrifying.
  • There have been many frightful versions of Mickey: Russian Hat Mickey, Shirtless Mickey, Pantless Mickey, but Bearded Mickey is the scariest.
  • Now we take you to the Musician Magazine offices, where they are selecting which photo of the Grateful Dead will be used as the cover photo:
  • “I have a bunch of shots of–“
  • “Which one does Garcia look coolest in?”
  • “Um, this one, but the rest of the band–“
  • “Print it!”
  • “–looks like goobers. Two of them aren’t even facing the camera. You walked out of the office.”
  • And so on.
  • Garcia looks like a hippie lion.
  • He is fierce.
  • Garcia has brought all of his sexy to this photo shoot.
  • I mean, he very well may be passed out behind the sunglasses, but still: lion.
  • Sleepy, sleepy lion.
  • I know I promised to get back to Bobby and Brent, but they’re going to have to take care of themselves. 
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