“Speaking on behalf of the Grateful Dead–”
“Why are you doing that?”
“–the Fall Tour is going to be bigger, louder, and Mayer than anyone could dream.”
“So, you are confirming a tour this September?”
“Contracts are signed, Johnny Applefucker–”
“Not even close to my name, Mike.”
“–and it’s gonna be like, hey: look at these jams. Look at them. Would you like to take a picture of the jams? I have a camera.”
“Here’s the important question: who’s in the band?”
“Well, obviously, I am now a Grateful Dead.”
“My God.”
“I know, right?”
“Took my ID photo today, got my health insurance paperwork, was issued a Benjy.”
“Heady times. Why is Phil not playing bass?”
“Oh, he will be, Bananas Fosterburg–”
“Nope.”
“–just not in the same venues. He’ll be with some very talented young people who do what they’re told and aren’t Billy and where he gets 80% of the door.”
“Okay. So: Mike Gordon on the bass. Both drummers?”
“Yes, plus Mickey has been given–and I’m quoting–‘carte blanche to invite any random Senegalese drummer onto the stage, even during the first set.'”
“Awesome. Him and Billy getting along.”
“Like a house on fire. Also, they have set a house on fire.”
“It’s how they bond.”
“I do have some exclusive news, Jilly Sue McKittrick.”
“So wrong.”
“Billy has purchased a new set of tennis shoes.”
“WOW.”
“Still red, though. They might be the exact same model.”
“Ah.”
“Billy likes his red shoes. He puts ’em on and he has this little character he does, Billy Billy Redfoot, the San Antonio Strangler.”
“Describe that.”
“He strangles people.”
“Mike, you have a way with words.”
“Thank you.
“Let’s build it up a bit, Mike. Before we get tp the guitarists, let’s talk keyboards.”
“Jeff Chimenti will be there. Bobby and Phil sat him down and had a long talk with him about how they couldn’t be in the same band anymore, but that didn’t mean they loved him less.”
“Tough moment for a keyboardist.”
“He’s gonna spend Christmas with Phil, so it’ll be okay.”
“That’ll be nice.”
“Yeah.”
“Bruce Hornsby?”
“Negotiations are proceeding smoothly, but Bruce wants a lot of money, plus he’s figured out the trick to making a deal with the Dead.”
“And that is?”
“Bruce will only negotiate with Mickey.”
“Mickey’s camp.”
“Mickey himself. The human being that is Mickey.”
“Smart man, Bruce Hornsby.”
“No slouch.”
“Mike Gordon?”
“Yes, Leather Tuscadero?”
“Who will be the new guitarists for the Grateful Dead?”
“Bobby.”
“Well, yeah.”
“And…”
“Don’t be a dick, Mike.”
“John Mayer.”
“That’s great, Mike. So: John Mayer’s a Grateful Dead now?”
“Got his Benjy today, too.”
“Wonderful. Great. This is just what Christ died for.”
“Glad you’re on board.”
“No worries.”
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