“Oteil, I can’t thank you enough for being on the show.”
“Thanks for having me, Radio Randy.”
“Not my name.”
“Don’t sass me.”
“Oteil, you started your career with a jam band with a terrible name, then you put up with Gregg Allman’s bullshit for many years. Now you’re a Grateful Dead.”
“Is there a question?”
“No. I did not prepare for this interview.”
“Why not?”
“I’m not the actual deejay. He’s tied up in a port-a-potty.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Oh, shit. The cops.”
COP SOUND
COP SOUND
“Not ME, you idiots! I’m in the Grateful Dead! Him! He’s the kidnapper!”
“Oops, sorry.”
“We keep doing that.”
“We just assumed.”
“We assumed, we did.”
COP SOUND
COP SOUND
“Motherfuckers.”
“Uh, hi. Oteil? Hi. It’s me, the real Radio Randy.”
“You got out of the port-a-potty?”
“Yeah, so…we could do this if you want.”
“The interview?”
“Sure, yeah.”
…
“You were kidnapped ten minutes ago. You don’t wanna have a smoke or something?”
“Naaah. SiriusXM hosts get kidnapped at a remarkable rate. Gans and Lambert both had to take out special insurance. I’m used to it.”
“Ooookay. If you say so, man.”
“Great. So: Oteil, you started your career with a jam band with a terrible name, then you put up with Gregg Allman’s bullshit for many years. Now you’re a Grateful Dead.”
“The other guy asked me that.”
“When he tied me up, he stole my notes.”
“Sure.”
“Let’s get to the real issues, Oteil. You’re not in as many storylines as the other guys. To be completely honest, Katy Perry is a far more-developed character than you.”
“Especially in the chest area.”
“I hear that.”
HIGH-FIVE
“But, seriously: Oteil, is this racism?”
“I can’t say that it’s definitely racism, but it’s definitely racism.”
“What’s the difference?”
“Placement of the italics.”
“Sure.”
“This is how I see it: if Jeff was in more stuff and not me, I’d be suspicious, but all Jeff gets to do is sit there and look pretty.”
“You’re talking about Dead keyboardist Jeff Chimenti, and his grey glory?”
“I am.”
“What does it smell like?”
“Jeff’s hair?”
“Yes.”
“Trustworthy cinnamon.”
“Wow. Any thoughts on the recent revelations about Page McConnell?”
“That he’s not…you know.”
“You know.”
“Yeah, that was kind of an open secret in the jam band community.”
“The jammunity?”
“Don’t call it that.”
“Okay.”
“We all knew. Remember the kid in high school who thought no one knew he was gay, but everyone knew? Well, substitute ‘not retarded’ for ‘gay.'”
“Wait, Page is gay?”
“No, he’s not retarded.”
“Oh, okay. Next question, Oteil, and it’s a previous question: just how racist is TotD?”
“More than he should be; not as much as he could be.”
“Well put. Oh, we have a caller, and he’s from Florida. Caller?”
Stop calling me a fucking racist, Radio Randy!
“Then stop being a racist, racist!”
Fuck you, Radio Randy!
“I’m hanging up on you!”
Bababooey!
DIAL TONE EVEN THOUGH PHONES DO NOT DO THAT ANY MORE
“I’m sorry you had to hear that, Oteil. Let’s not take any more calls.”
“He’s losing his mind a little, isn’t he?”
“No, the depths of the fissures are just becoming more obvious.
“Well put.”
“Oteil, what’s next?”
“He’s gonna circle around until he thinks of a punchline.”
“Not with the post.”
“Oh.”
“Dead and Company. Will there be another tour?”
“Holy shit, do I hope so.”
“There’s our punchline.”
“Eh.”
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