“We’re back with John Mayer on the Radio Randy Rock and Roll Roundup.”
“Wait. Is this the selfie we were taking in the other picture?”
“Looks like.”
“How many pictures got taken of me?”
“Almost as many as you took of you.”
“That’s a lot.”
“You enjoy yourself. Can we talk about the upcoming solo record?”
“Randy, can we do this later?”
“We’re live on the air, John. This is very unprofessional of you, and I expect more from a unicorn. We have a caller, Bobby in Vegas. Oh, you’ve called before. Welcome back to the show.”
“I’ve been listening since the last time I called, and I’m, uh, just hooked. Great radio. Real, uh, theater of the mind-type stuff. Middle America, real people. I like that detective character, Guy Noir.”
“Bobby, you’re thinking of a Prairie Home Companion.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
…
“Is this Mike or the Mad Dog?”
“Hang up the phone, Radio Randy.”
“John says I have to go, Bobby.”
“You bet. Seriously, though: get me when Elvis shows up.”
DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES DO NOT DO THAT ANY MORE
“John–”
“How the hell are we taking calls?”
“–I have a few more questions.”
“I don’t want to take any more questions.”
“They’re about laundry.”
“I will take as many questions as you have.”
“Blow our minds, John Mayer.”
“Hand-washing in a sink is a completely different beast than hand-washing in a tub. It has something to with water density and bubble viscosity. I’ve invented several differential equations to explain it.”
“You’ve blown our minds, John Mayer.”
“Don’t speak for everyone.”
“You’ve blown my mind, John Mayer.”
“I’ve written up my findings for the Journal of the American Laundry Association.”
“JALA?”
“You read it?”
“I subscribe. They just pile up.”
“Worth your time, Radio Randy. Cutting edge of clean.”
“John, what about pre-soaking?”
“Ooh, that’s a touchy subject in the laundry community. And, quite frankly, it’s a personal subject and I’d rather not get into my personal life.”
“I didn’t mean to pry. Let’s talk about something less intimate.”
“Thank you.”
“Sources are saying you plowed Demi Lovato.”
“Plowing’s for skanks. Demi Lovato is a celebrity. You bang celebrities.”
“Bang her?”
“Shit, yeah.”
HIGH FIVE
“Butt stuff?”
“Started with butt stuff.”
DOWN LOW
“So now you’ll marry her in the church?”
“You know I…what now?”
TOO SLOW
“You have to get married, or you’ll burn in hell.”
“I’m sorry, where is this coming from?”
“The Bible.”
“I meant the direction the conversation is going.”
“Lonely weirdo in Florida. We have another caller.”
You stop talking shit about me, you little asshole.
“Fuck you, TotD!”
Fuck YOU, Radio Randy!
DIAL TONE EVEN THOUGH YOU KNOW HOW THIS SENTENCE ENDS
“You know it’s TotD, man. Stop answering the phone.”
“No one calls that guy on his bullshit.”
“Sure, but it’s not good to antagonize him.”
“No? What’s he gonna do?”
KARATE!
“Send Elvis to kick you in the head.”
“AH HAVE MADE MAH LONG-AWAITED ENTRANCE, AND BROUGHT A ROLLING STONE!”
“I’m not a Rolling Stone, darling. John Mayer. We meet again.”
“Weren’t there five of you?”
“There can be only one.”
“Great. Elvis, I think you killed Radio Randy.”
“TALK SHIT, GET HIT.”
“Fuuuuuuuuck–”
…
“–yooooouuuuuuu…”
DEATH RATTLE NOISE
…
“Yeah, you killed Radio Randy.”
“DEATH DON’T SEEM ALL TOO PERMANENT ‘ROUND HERE. DON’T YOU WORRY ‘BOUT HIM.”
“Take off your trousers, John.”
“Stop it, Freddie.”
“JOHHNY BOY, LEMME ASK YOU A QUESTION.”
“Sure.”
“YOU SEEN THAT NUKE ANYWHERE?”
“The one you lost a month ago in a storyline that just wandered around making no sense until it fizzled out with Lady Gaga’s appearance?”
“THAT ONE, YEAH.”
“No. No. No. No. We’re not doing this again.”
“Just the shirt, then. Take off your shirt, John.”
“Freddie, come on.”
“Upon what shall I come, darling?”
“Stop it. I’m not a part of whatever the two of you are up to. I want to take drugs and see a band. Leave me alone. Y’know what? Fuck this. Fuck all of this. I’m leaving . It’s all ruined, and I’m leaving and–”
“What the fuck is this?”
Phantom Zone ring.
“Like what they did to Zod in Superman II?”
Yup.
“That’s FUCKED! You’re fucked, man!”
You ain’t going anywhere.
“I will get you for this! You will kneel before me! YOU WILL KNEEL BEFORE JOHN!”
Okee-dokee, artichokee.
“JOHN!”
…
“What if I have to use the bathroom?”
Should’ve thought of that.
CELL PHONE NOISE
“Really?”
You will see that you have brought this call onto yourself.
“Goddammit.”
…
“The Johnicorn speaking.”
“Didn’t I say to tell me when Elvis showed up?”
“Dammit. I forgot, Bob. Sorry.”
“One thing I ask you to do.”
“Sorry.”
“Fucker owes me $320.”
“For what?”
“Grown-up stuff, Josh. Don’t worry about it.”
“Are you mad?”
“I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.”
…
“I just wanted to take drugs and see a band.”
“Well, I guess no one gets what he wants today, huh?”
“Aww.”
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