Tag: pope francis (Page 4 of 5)

Hey, Pope. Whatcha doing?

“I’m-a plugging da book.”

The Bibbia? Never heard of it.

“That’s-a because you no-a educated. Is-a “Bible” in Latin.”

You speak Latin?

“Of-a course! I’m-a from-a Latin America.”

Hey now.

“Pope-a made-a da joke.”

So, the Bible must be your favorite book, right?

“Oh, sure, sure. Love-a da Bible.”

What’s your second-favorite book?

“Lena Dunham’s-a memoirs. She writes-a from-a da heart.”

A surprising choice.

“Hey: I’m-a da cool Pope.”

Okay, but going back to the Bible–

“Love-a da Bible.”

–what’s the best part?

“It’s-a all good. You got-a da action, you got-a da Jesus, you got-a da romance. It’s a like-a da Bollywood movie.”

Sure.

“Something for-a da everybody. You know who love-a da Bible? Da bambinos. Kids love-a da Bible.”

Do they?

“Once-a you tell ’em about-a da hell, they do.”

That sounds right.

“Kids don’t-a wanna go to-a da hell.”

No one does. You should stop telling people about it.

“Hell’s in-a da Bible. Gotta tell-a da people about-a da Bible.”

Is it actually in the Bible? I thought hell was one of those things that we all think is in the Bible, but isn’t.

“You-a gonna challenge da Pope on-a da Bible trivia?”

No, guess not.

“Don’t-a make-a me get infallible on you. I get-a infallible and-a what I say goes.”

How does that work, anyway? Is there a hat?

“You-a call it. Like-a da shotgun. Before-a you say something, you-a say ‘I’m-a infallible,’ and-a there you go. There’s-a also a hat.”

Magic hat?

“Not-a magic. Holy.”

Right. Those things are different. I forget sometimes.

“Big-a difference. One’s-a just made up.”

Right. Pope?

“Yes-a, my son”

You ever think about growing a mustache?

“All-a da time.”

Hey, Pope Francis. Whatcha doing?

“I’m-a kissing da Holy Belly. Oh, do I love-a da Jesus.”

Is this a Good Friday thing?

“I’m-a freelancing-a here. Not in-a da playbook. Don’t-a care. Gonna give-a Jesus da zerbert. THBBTHH.”

Your Holiness.

“THBBTHH”

Please don’t zerbert Jesus.

“I’m-a da Pope. I do-a what I want to-a da Jesus. Maybe I-a pick this-a thing up, whack-a some nuns witta it.”

You would not do that.

“Nah. I no hit-a da penguinos They make-a me laugh. Old guy would-a hit-a da nuns.”

Benedict.

“Oh, sure. One nun he-a dropkick. Another he give-a camel clutch. We had-a to remove all-a da folding chairs from-a da Vatican.”

He would hit nuns with folding chairs?

“And-a da ref would-a never see it!”

I’m getting the sense that Benedict enjoys professional wrestling.

“He’s-a gotta da blog about it.”

Ew. Bloggers are the worst.

“Si. Plus, he-a orders da pay-per-view and-a charge-a my account.”

So let him get his own cable.

“Witta what money? He ain’t gotta no job.”

Right.

“Market is-a terrible for-a da ex-Popes.”

Sure.

“Over-qualified for-a most-a things. Under-qualified for-a da others. I-a tell him to learn-a to code. No no-a do it.”

You have to help yourself.

“You can lead-a da Pope to water, but you can’t-a make-a him drink.”

Benedict sounds like a terrible roommate.

“He-a eats my food.”

Well, you gotta put your name on it.

“I-a did! I had-a half-a da meatball sub. I write-a ‘Pope’ on it. He-a eat it. I-a say, ‘Benny Why-a you eat my meatball sub?’ He say, ‘It-a said Pope on it. I-a thought it was-a mine.’ Can-a you believe-a da balls on-a him?”

It could possibly be an honest misunderstanding.

“He-a know what he doing. How-a hard is it to-a putta da toilet paper on-a da roll? Don’t-a just leave it-a sitting on-a da sink.”

That’s terrible, yeah.

“He-a borrow da Popemobile and-a bring it back witta no gas.”

Wow, that’s rude.

“This-a situation gonna come to-a da head soon.”

Please don’t get in a fight with the Pope, Pope.

“Fight? Pssh. C’mon-a witta dat. Pope don’t-a fight.”

That’s good.

“Gonna gaslight him.”

I look forward to hearing about it.

“Sure, sure. I-a tell you all about-a it. Just-a don’t tell nobody else.

Cross my heart.

“HELP-A DA POPE! BLIND-A POPE!”

No, Your Holiness. You’re not blind.

“Whadda happened?”

Your cape flipped over your head.

“Again? Third-a time today!”

Well, a cape will do that. Maybe you could wear something else.

“Whassa matta you? No wear-a da cape? How-a da people gonna know I’m-a da Pope-a unless I wear-a da cape?”

Yeah, I guess.

“Besides: how-a many people gotta da good excuse to wear-a da cape?”

Well, there was–

“Don’t-a talk about da Star Wars. You’re a grown-a man.”

–Darth…sure, yeah.

“Pope gotta wear-a da whole costume. Can’t-a show up in-a khakis. Gotta make-a da big entrance. Give-a da Catholics a little razzle-a dazzle-a.”

That does make sense. Question.

“Shoot-a.”

You have free time, right? Down time? Watch the game, have a beer?

“Oh, sure. I watch-a da football.”

What do you wear then?

“I wear-a da pajama.”

They’re white, right?

“Oh, sure. Plus, they gotta da cape. I call-a them da popejamas.”

Sure. What do you sleep in?

“I sleep-a clothed inna what Jesus gave me.”

Ew.

“You ask-a da question, you getta da answer.”

“All right-a: question time with-a da Pope-a. Who’s-a gotta question? You?”

“Your Holiness, thank you for taking my question.”

“Whassa you name?”

“Jenkins, Your Holiness.”

“Dominus Vobiscum, Jenkins.”

“And, you know: um, demented Vogon poetry back at you, Your Holiness.”

“What’s-a you question for-a da Pope-a?”

“What was the meal in first class?”

“Tilapia.”

“Great fish.”

“It’s-a flaky and-a good.”

“Another question.”

“Shoot-a.”

“You said that in countries affected by the Zika virus, women should use contraception, as it is ‘a lesser evil.'”

“That’s-a right. You can-a quote me on-a dat.”

“What about women in other countries? Places that Zika hasn’t gotten to? Will the Church change its mind about allowing women to control their own reproductive futures.”

“Oh, no. This is just-a for da pinhead-a babies. All-a the other women gotta do-a what they are told-a.”

“Sure.”

“This is-a what you call-a ‘special dispensation.'”

“And could you explain that concept for the non-Catholics?”

“Makin’ things up-a as-a we go.”

“Gotcha. Can I ask about Trump?”

“He’s-a bad man. He needs-a da Jesus.”

…

“I gotta say that you’re, like, a million percent right on this one.”

“And not-a dat American Jesus wit-a da Uzi. Jesus no have-a da Uzi! Da real-a Jesus!”

“Sure. You got a horse in this race?”

“Warren, 2020.”

“Makes sense.”

Are you dosing that kid?

“He’s-a gonna see-a da Jesus.”

Stop that.

“Is-a da honor to be dosed by-a da Pope-a.”

He’s six.

“Mature for-a his age.”

Aw, no. What’s the matter, buddy?

“I’m-a no happy. Is-a bad day.”

Tell me about it.

“Cafeteria outta chili.”

That’s very brave of you to eat chili in that outfit.

“Hey: I’m-a da Pope-a.”

Sure.

“Caught-a my belt-a loop onna door handle.”

Oh, that’s the worst.

“You seen-a da price of gas?”

It’s actually low as fuck, Your Holiness.

“Hey!”

Sorry.

“I-a forgive you.”

Thanks.

“That’s-a the whole gig.”

Sure. Cheer up, Pope. Think of something you’re looking forward to.

“Dead-a and Company. Summer Tour-a, bitch.”

You’re into Dead & Company?

“I-a came around-a onna Josh Meyers.”

Sure.

…

Pope?

“Si?”

That old Pope still alive?

“I-a don’ wanna talk about that-a guy. He-a barges inna! Like-a da Signore Furley, but-a gay and-a evil.

Does it lead to humorous misunderstandings?

“Look-a atta my face-a.”

I’ll take that as a ‘no.’

“Dominus vobsicum.”

Back atcha.

“Look-a my hat!”

“It’s a wonderful hat, Your Holiness.”

“That-a Russian fella think-a he gotta big hat? Now-a who’s gotta da hat?”

“Padre, please.”

“Hat! Hat! Hat!”

“Really?”

“It-a goes wit-a my magic dress.”

“It does.”

 

Hey, Pope. Whatcha doing?

“I’m-a sellin’ out da Garden, bitch.”

Nice.

“Didn’t need-a no John Mayer to do it, neither.”

…

What?

“Dead and-a Company. Fall-a tour!”

You’re a Deadhead?

“Why-a you think I-a name myself Francis?”

San Francisco?

“Yeah, I slip-a dat one by everybody.”

This is a shocker.

“I spread-a da love! And-a da peace! I like-a hanging with my bros! Always with-a da billowing smoke! Silly costumes!”

Makes sense. What’s your favorite song?

“Saint-a Stephen.”

That also makes sense.

…

“Why I talk-a like this?”

ALL POPES SOUND LIKE CHICO MARX AND THAT’S ALL THERE IS TO IT.

“Hey. Don’t yell at da Pope-a.”

Sorry.

“I forgive-a you.”

That’s nice of you.

“It’s kind-a my whole gig.”