Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: star wars (page 1 of 6)

Real-Time Thoughts On Revenge Of The Sith After Having Consumed Far Too Many Edibles

  • Star Wars, nothin’ but STAAAAAR Wars…
  • Fuck you, Star Wars.
  • Fuck you sans grease or a kind word.
  • I’m already lost.
  • The opening scroll did me in.
  • Who are the Separatists?
  • They sound rather stand-offish.
  • Ooh, space pew-pew.
  • Always did love the spaceship battles the best, though even as a kid I wondered why the ships all had wings.
  • You don’t need wings in space.
  • Of course, you also can’t swoop about like you’re dogfighting high above the bloody fields of Bastonne, either.
  • Anyway, My Boyfriend and Calvin Klein get to where they wanted to go, which is General Grievous’ ship.
  • When Grievous entered, you knew this one was gonna suck, too.
  • I remember having hope for the first little bit.
  • And then the cyborg lizard with the smoker’s cough showed up.
  • He has kidnapped Emperor Palpatine, who is not officially Emperor Palpatine yet, but is totally and blatantly evil and everyone’s an idiot for not figuring it out.
  • But, wait, maybe Count Dookula kidnapped him.
  • None of these movies have a clear hero or villain.
  • But My Boyfriend has been knocked conveniently unconscious, so Calvin Klein can decapitate Count Dookula.
  • Now the ship has been damaged and immediately pitches downward and begins falling towards the planet’s surface.
  • Which is not how space works.
  • That’s just obnoxious.
  • So the Jedis and Artoo are captured and brought in front of Greebles, who hacks up a robolung, and OH GOD I DON’T CARE ABOUT ANY OF THIS.
  • How the fuck is this battlecruiser re-entering an atmosphere?
  • Clearly, it was built for interstellar travel.
  • Not to fucking land like a 737.
  • Why is there even a runway?
  • Every single vehicle in Star Wars simply rises up and flies away.
  • But for some reason there’s a LaGuardia-size strip of pavement in the middle of Coruscant.
  • Calvin Klein and Patalie Nortman make kissy-faces at each other, and I’m gonna scroll through Instagram.
  • All of the Instagram Hotties are broken up about Juiceface.
  • Juicy SMONK?
  • Whatever the dead kid’s name was.
  • Very sad when young musicians die, unless you’re the young musician’s record company.
  • Anyway, the Instagram Hotties are beside themselves.
  • Black bikinis and everything.
  • Anything happening?
  • Nope, still a love scene.
  • Natadoo Dorpsucker is pregnant.
  • She got a space-bun in the oven.
  • Gotta say this: Yoda is terrible at his job.
  • Calvin Klein comes to him, and he’s clearly a disintegrating maniac.
  • The kid’s sweating and glowering and saying vague shit about how he sees terrible shit in the future.
  • THE SIGNS WERE THERE.
  • He may as well have shown up to high school in a trenchcoat.
  • Yoda really should have tugged on Samuel L. Jackson’s cape about this.
  • “Shoot up the place, the white boy is going to.”
  • “Mm. I agree. That cracker is fucked up and shit.”
  • “Blame video games, I do.”
  • There’s just so much standing around and talking.
  • Shit, Aaron Sorkin figured this out.
  • Have your characters walk somewhere while they jibbyjaw.
  • Gives the scene some momentum.
  • Anything but this standing there.
  • No.
  • Wait.
  • There’s something worse.

  • Just sitting there and talking.
  • How can a movie about WARS in the STARS be so fucking boring?
  • The Chocolate War was more interesting than this, and that took place at a Catholic school.
  • Conversely, the Battle of the Network Stars was also more interesting, but Gabe Kaplan was usually one of the team captains and a lot of the actresses wouldn’t wear brassieres under their tee-shirts, so you can understand my fascination.
  • Ooh, best scene in the whole trilogy:

  • THREE
  • EVIL
  • HEAD
  • TURNS.
  • Which just proves that Calvin Klein is a moron.
  • A guy does that to me once, and I’m out of the room.
  • But not Pretty Boy.
  • Palpatine’s not being subtle, either.
  • “The Jedi don’t like you, Anakin. They talk shit behind your back all the time.”
  • “What!?”
  • “Oh, yes. They call you Skyfarter.”
  • “I hate that name!”
  • “I told them it was cruel, but they wouldn’t stop.”
  • Everything, everything, everything looks fake.
  • Nothing is matted properly, and all the lighting is slightly off.
  • Endor seemed like a real place.
  • Cuz it was.
  • Redwood National Park.
  • And Tatooine, too.
  • It was Tunisia.
  • But the cameras never went outside during filming of the Prequels.
  • All computer generated.
  • General Grabass?
  • Never existed.
  • Jabba was a real puppet in Return of the Jedi.
  • The world’s largest kiln had to be built just to bake the puppet’s latex into place, and then four guys were stuffed into the model to make it move.
  • Which is so much work.
  • Easier to do it all in the computer.
  • Ugh, a stupid chase.
  • Again: go watch Red Letter Media’s review; it’s better than mine.

  • Told ya.
  • Though it’s never mentioned in the films, the Emperor’s first name is Shreev.
  • Which is short for Shreevport.
  • Shreevport Palpatine.
  • And it seems like he’s the only one in the Prequels having any fun whatsoever.
  • Both the actor and the character.
  • Back to General Grapedick and My Boyfriend.
  • They were chasing each other on some sort of bug planet, and OH GOD FUCK THIS KILL ME.
  • I’ve never read Proust.
  • And it’s been a while since I played Joust.
  • Remember Joust?
  • You sat on an ostrich and fought with a lance?
  • Great stuff.
  • I bet Proust would have loved Joust.
  • I bet he would’ve written about it, at least.
  • That fucker needed topics.
  • I know he wrote about cookies and France, but that’s about it.
  • Palpatine and Nick Fury are lightsabering now, and they are not very good at it.
  • It’s not quite the fight scenes from Dolemite, but it’s not not that.
  • And now Calvin Klein is evil and Palpy has a face like a ballsack.
  • CK is all, “I’m your guy now.”
  • So Palpatine goes, “Niiiiiiice. You’re gonna be…uh…Darth…uh…something evil. Darth AIDS Needle. No, I can do better than that. Daaaaaaaarth…Drunk Driver. No, that’s terrible. Darth Hitler. Yes! You’re Darth Hitler.”
  • “How about Darth Vader?”
  • “Fine, fine, whatever. Go kill some younglings for Daddy.”
  • And so he does.
  • For those keeping track, this will be the second batch of children that Calvin has slaughtered.
  • Commander Cody?
  • What the fuck?
  • Are his Lost Planet Airmen in this movie, too?

  • Familiar looking sound system.
  • I AM GOING TO REINTEGRATE THE SAXOPHONE PLAYER.
  • Hey, Wally.
  • DO NOT CALL ME THAT.
  • Reintegrate? Don’t you mean disintegrate?
  • MY WORDS ARE PRECISE. HE SHALL BE REINTEGRATED WITH THE FUNDAMENTAL FORCES OF THE UNIVERSE.
  • Don’t do that.
  • TELL JIMMY BUFFET WITH AN AFRO TO STOP HONKING THAT SATANIC SHOFAR INTO ME. IF I HAD TEETH, THEY WOULD BE SET ON EDGE.
  • Just deal with it.
  • I think the Jedis all just died.
  • Gotta be straight with you folks: I went to the bathroom and didn’t hurry back.
  • But I think all the Jedis are dead.
  • That whole Order 66 thing.
  • Were there 65 other Orders implanted into the Clonetroopers’ subconsciousnesses?
  • Order 14: Rob the nearest jewelry store.
  • Order 29: Everybody whip out your wangs.
  • Order 30: Enroll in a Berlitz course and learn Space Italian.
  • And so on.
  • Hey, Jimmy Smits!
  • The Galaxy’s Lone Mexican (until Oscar Isaac)!
  • So now Palpitation is addressing the Senate; he tells them that the Jedi all went nuts, so he had to kill them, and now he’s in total control.
  • And everyone’s like YAAAAAAAY that makes sense.
  • Trump wishes he were Shreev Palpatine.
  • If Basketball Head could shoot Force Lightning out of his tiny hands, he totally would.
  • Don’t even pretend he wouldn’t do that shit constantly.
  • “Those younglings were no angels! Many, many of my powerful space-friends have told me that, and these are heavy-duty guys I’m talking about. Jabba. You know Jabba? Great guy, Jabba. He’s a Hutt, one of the biggest Hutts, very powerful, got a yacht like you just wouldn’t believe. Just the most beautiful yacht. And he’s always talking about those Jedis and their younglings. Not great kids. Maybe not so sad that these kids are dead.”
  • And so on.
  • My Boyfriend and Calvin Klein are now up to their balls in lava and having a tiff.
  • How the fuck do you make a laser-swordfight in a volcano boring?
  • Anyone got an extra for Phish NYE?
  • I’ll drive up.
  • I would rather take a 24-hour drive than watch another second of this vomitous bile.
  • I’d rather pickle my dick.
  • Is that even possible?
  • Wait, pickling makes things smaller, and I don’t want that.
  • The movie is bad, but I need all the dick I got.
  • Tommy Lee could lose an inch to the pickling process and not miss it, but I would notice.
  • Something’s happening on the screen involving a volcano.
  • I don’t know.
  • I don’t know.
  • I don’t know where I’m-a gonna go when the volcano blow.
  • CONFESSION TIME: Love that fuckin’ song.

  • There’s something vaguely disreputable about being a Parrothead, though.
  • Those fuckers all swing.
  • Parrotheads go to key parties.
  • Aaaaaaaaaand My Boyfriend just chopped off Calvin Klein’s arms and legs.
  • And then doesn’t even finish him off.
  • You’d put a dog in that condition down.
  • Plus, he’s evil now.
  • Sloppy move on My Boyfriend’s part: never walk away from the bad guy as he’s dying and assume that’s the end of it.
  • CHOP OFF THE VILLAIN’S HEAD.
  • Because if you don’t do that, then someone will rescue him and stuff him into a robot suit and he will scream NOOOOOOOOOO.
  • And if he does that, movie audiences across the world will shrink down in their seats, snigger into their hands, ask their respective gods why such an event would be allowed to occur.
  • NOOOOOOOOOO.
  • Get the fuck out of here.

  • What did I say?
  • Get the fuck out of here.
  • Has there ever been a more unintentionally hilarious climax to a film?
  • Sometimes in porn, the fellow will spooge right into the lady’s eye.
  • That’s a pretty funny climax.
  • But it’s nothing compared to NOOOOOOOOOOOO.
  • Okay, I’m done.
  • All out of space-gas.
  • I hate Star Wars and I never want to see another Star Wars movie as long as I live, or at least until Christmas Day when Brother on the Dead and I have tickets for Rise of Skywalker, and obviously I’m gonna watch the new episodes of The Mandalorian, but other than that: No more Star Wars.
  • I mean it this time.

Real-Time Thoughts On Attack Of The Clones After Having Consumed Too Many Edibles

  • Two hours and twenty-two minutes?
  • Fuuuuuuuck me.
  • Wait, can I make a wish?
  • You’re allowed to make a wish at 11:11, but what if the tragically flawed film you’re watching is 2:22?
  • Your wishes should be heard in that situation, I believe.
  • Here is mine: I wish I were doing anything but this.
  • I got, like, five books going right now.
  • The new Ronan Farrow joint,
  • Biography of Sam Cooke.
  • Latest edition of The Best American Sports Writing.
  • But nooooooooooooo.
  • Attack of the fucking Clones.
  • Okay, so what’s going on with the Star Wars?
  • Is this Naboo?
  • All planets in Star Wars have one climate, as we know.
  • Hoth is ice.
  • Tatooine is desert.
  • Naboo is CG.
  • Hey, an explosion.
  • I do love when shit blows up.
  • In some films, nothing at all blows up.
  • I can’t stand those movies.
  • Ever see that flick where Anthony Hopkins plays a butler who’s secretly in love with Glenn Close or some lady who kinda looks like Glenn Close?
  • They just hang out in castles and suppress their feelings at one another.
  • No kung fu,
  • That’s not the content I crave.
  • And now we come to two of the Prequel’s fatal flaws:
    • Everything is boring.
    • Everyone’s a fucking moron.
  • Look at this bullshit:

  • Jus’ sittin’ around havin’ a chinwag.
  • Bubba!
  • Fetch me up mah whittlin’!
  • This is not to say that a conversation between two (or more) seated participants must necessarily be boring.
  • Remember the scene with Hans Landa and Farmer Perdit in Inglorious Basterds?
  • Ooh, what tension.
  • George Lucas does not do that.
  • Characters sit.
  • And they talk.
  • Then there’s a screen-wipe.
  • And, like I mentioned, everyone’s a fucking moron.
  • Palpatine doesn’t do a heel turn in the third film.
  • He’s openly, blatantly, gleefully malevolent from the get-go.
  • Cackling and rubbing his hands together and saying obviously evil shit.
  • And these MAGICAL, MIND-READING WIZARDS have no clue.
  • Dumbasses.
  • And now we get an action sequence.
  • Boba Fett tried to kill Natalie Portman, whom My Boyfriend and Calvin Klein were protecting.
  • They were protecting her by leaving her alone in a room with a giant window.
  • Again: fucking morons.
  • (I will call Hayden Christiansen “Calvin Klein” because he reminds me of an underwear model: he’s very pretty, and I don’t need to hear him speak.)
  • Why does Coruscant look like Blade Runner?
  • Were the Coruscantians also fearful of Japan taking over the world in the 80’s?
  • Anyway, Calvin Klein is chasing a bounty hunter who’s also a shape shifter that was was hired by a different bounty hunter to…oh, who cares?
  • Honestly, man.
  • The planet is dying.
  • We have no more glaciers.
  • Tom Petty is dead.
  • And yet this is how I spend my time.
  • At least the characters in The Road spent their end of the world getting some exercise in.
  • I’m gonna see in the apocalypse at home, bitching about my WiFi strength.
  • Oh, god, they’re in a cantina.
  • It’s Star Wars, so there’s gotta be a cantina.
  • That’s what the song El Paso and Star Wars have in common: both require a cantina.
  • But Rosa’s cantina did not contain any Rodian bounty hunters or Twi’lek dancers.
  • Cartoon Yoda looks so cheap.
  • The Mandalorian made a wonderful decision to use a puppet for Baby Yoda as much as possible.
  • You might not notice, but your brain did.
  • A REPEATED NOTE: It is difficult to discuss the Prequels without merely reiterating the points of the great Mike Stoklasa at Red Letter Media, whose reviews spawned a billion imitators, none of whom are any good.

  • Holy shit, Calvin Klein is a creep.
  • How did he bag Natalie Portman?
  • Wait.
  • Hold up.
  • Rose Byrne is in this?

  • Oh, poor Rose Byrne.
  • You are better than this, Rose.
  • You can do comedy, drama, accents, everything.
  • AND you married Bobby Cannavale.
  • That’s some damn fine marryin’, Rosie.
  • YOUNGLINGS!
  • Not “children.”
  • Cuz otherwise, they would have had to say that Calvin Klein killed a bunch of children.
  • But he didn’t
  • He killed younglings.
  • Much better.
  • Look at these little bastards:

  • I hope the other younglings bullied that ugly fuck in the back.
  • That kid’s too ugly to have a happy childhood.
  • This scene also displays one of the larger discrepancies in the Star Wars Universe: How does one train a Jedi?
  • The Prequels will have us believe that Jedis must be raised in a monastic setting, and their powers slowly achieved through years of study.
  • Non-Prequel films are convinced that a couple weeks of calisthenics and meditating with a crazy old man will do the trick.
  • Who is right?
  • We’ll never know, but luckily it doesn’t matter.
  • Another grievous (no pun intended) fault with Attack of the Clones is the structure.
  • It’s wrong.
  • If you built a dugout with this structure, it would collapse and kill the entire Little League team.
  • My Boyfriend does have a much better haircut in this one than in Phantom Menace.

  • I’d ride that man like a Bantha.
  • Which would not make me gay.
  • The cuddling afterwards would, but not the sex; Ewen McGregor is so pretty that sex with him counts as straight.
  • Ewen McGregor?
  • I’d like to see me in McGregor.
  • Attack of the bones, knowwhatImean?
  • Something something clones.
  • Other thing, other thing Jango Fett.
  • Isn’t Jango Fett a Mandalorian?
  • Because he’s got his helmet off.
  • And we learned from The Mandalorian teevee show that, in their culture, they don’t do that.
  • It’s almost like all of this shit is being made up along the way.
  • Ugh, love scene.
  • Well, kinda.
  • This is the outfit that Natalie Portman has chosen to tell Calvin Klein she doesn’t wanna fuck him:

  • Listen, I know the term “cocktease” has been relegated to the Problem Attic, and rightly so, but come the fuck on.
  • Put your damn titties away.
  • And extinguish the damn fire.
  • Is Space Barry White playing on the stereo?
  • Enthusiasts, I am a feminist.
  • I don’t play the “look what she was wearing” game.
  • BUT LOOK WHAT SHE’S WEARING.
  • Her tiara is saying “No,” but her boobies are saying “Fondle away.”
  • Hey!
  • Kung fu!
  • Janky Fett and My Boyfriend are kicking one another in the face.
  • Niiiiiiice.
  • Although I do not know why people insist on punching Mandalorians in the face.
  • In The Mandalorian, Gina Carano punched the Mandalorian right in the face four or five times.
  • That seems counter-productive.
  • Another car chase.
  • God, is this punishment?
  • I’m not saying I don’t deserve it; I do.
  • But I just wanna know where I stand with The Lord.
  • Anyway, Janky is chasing My Boyfriend and keeps shooting missiles that sound precisely like the low E-string on a Les Paul.
  • BWOW!
  • No.
  • Wait.
  • It’s an A string.
  • Positive.
  • I literally grabbed my guitar and played along until I got the right note.
  • That’s how bored I am.
  • So, Natalie Portman and Calvin Klein go back to Tatooine to find his mother, and they visit Young Uncle Ben and Young Aunt Beru and drink Young Blue Milk.
  • Natalie is wearing this:

  • And somehow the conversation is not solely concerned with her choice of toppermost.
  • Enthusiasts, that is a toppermost.
  • I know a toppermost when I see one.
  • You think Josh Meyers has banged Natalie Portman?
  • I would bet not, although I am equally sure that Josh made a run at her.
  • She probably ran him off by talking about books or something.
  • Anyhoo, Calvin Klein runs off into the desert looking for his mommy but then he kills all the sand-people.
  • And Yoda senses it from ACROSS THE FUCKING GALAXY but is still shocked when it turns out that Palpatine is evil and Calvin is a douche.
  • The Force is, it seems, wonky.
  • Are there dead spots in The Force?
  • Places where it just cuts out like the satellite radio in my car does at certain intersections?
  • Another great failure of AOTC‘s script is the utter lack of a villain.
  • Who’s the Big Bad here?
  • There’s a shitload of henchmen, but no Big Bad.
  • Emperor isn’t the Emperor yet.
  • Count Dookula doesn’t show up until 90 minutes in, at which point the audience has been pummeled into mental retardation.
  • I said it.
  • I said it, and I stand by it.
  • I don’t care if I get canceled: Attack of the Clones made me retarded.
  • If my brain is a river, then this movie has dumped a dead elk upstream.
  • Everything within me is now poisoned and sour.
  • Okay, wait another second.
  • They’re on Tatooine.
  • Not even in the built-up part.
  • The boondocks of Tatooine.
  • When Calvin Klein came back from killing all the Arabs Tusken Raiders, Natalie Portman’s hair looked like this:

  • This is Natalie Portman one scene later, still in the same location:

  • WHO DID HER HAIR?
  • Look how complicated that shit is!
  • Don’t tell me Aunt Beru did that bullshit.
  • What’s happening?
  • They’re badly green-screened in a factory that makes computer graphics.
  • And Threepio’s there for “comic relief.”
  • I am not relieved.
  • This comic relief is not relieving.
  • And Artoo can fly.
  • It would be astonishing how much functionality Artoo lost between the Prequels and the OT, if one did not keep in mind that George Lucas is a terrible filmmaker and all this shit was made up along the way.
  • There are coherent trilogies.
  • Lord of the Rings makes sense across all three films.
  • And…uh…
  • Okay, there is coherent trilogy.
  • Every single other film trilogy was just a movie that did well, and so garnered sequels.
  • STAR WARS WASN’T INTENDED TO BE A SAGA.
  • It was a stand-alone space romp.
  • Completely self-contained.
  • There was room for a follow-up, in that Darth Vader was not killed at the end, but no sequel was explicitly set up.
  • Anywoogle, Calvin Klein, Natalie Portman, and My Boyfriend have re-united on a bug planet and they have to fight a Space Rhino, a Space Crab, and a Tasmanian Space-Devil.
  • I just don’t care.
  • Pew pew.
  • Zip zap.
  • Natalie Portman’s midriff is sweet.
  • Good riff.
  • Got some ab definition, popped-out obliques, sexy nave.
  • I don’t say “navel.”
  • I shorten that shit.
  • Natalie Portman’s midriff does not shorten my shit, though.
  • There’s elongation going on.
  • FOODSTUFFS I WOULD EAT OFF OF NATALIE PORTMAN’S MIDRIFF:
    • Sushi.
    • Charcuterie.
    • Assortment of spicy cheese.
    • Cobbler (peach, apple, assorted).
  • How can something be so busy and yet so lazy at the same time?
  • The clonetroopers look like crap because they’re all 100% CG, and they’re all 100% CG because having a dozen guys in costume was too much of a hassle for George Lucas.
  • “We’ll do it in post.”
  • Everything on Attack of the Clones was done in post, including the script.
  • I hate this movie and I haven’t even been paying attention to it.
  • Saw it in the same place at Phantom Menace: Mann’s Chinese Theatre in Hollywood.
  • Which really is the place you wanna see a Star Wars movie.
  • Saw it with the same buddy, too, and once again on opening night.
  • Everyone was cheering and whooping just like for the first film.
  • And then I went back on Wednesday afternoon to see it by myself.
  • I did not cheer or whoop.
  • I again needed to take two smoke breaks.
  • God, this is dire.
  • The only way to enjoy this lightsaber fight between Cartoon Yoda and Count Dookula is to picture Frank Oz in a recording studio making all the little noises and grunts that Yoda makes while he leaps about.
  • “Errphf!”
  • “Graah!”
  • I bet Frank Oz was pissy with the engineer.
  • He’s kind of a prick.
  • Wait, no, you have to be kidding me.
  • 1920 words?
  • I wrote over 1,900 words on this vomit-abortion?
  • Fuck me.
  • I’m stopping before I hit 2,000.
  • Just on principle.
  • I still have principles; they’re around here somewhere.

Real-Time Thoughts On The Phantom Menace After Far Too Many Edibles

  • AHHH!
  • Punchy brass!
  • My teevee set was too voluminous; excuse my fright.
  • Christ, I don’t wanna do this.
  • No one asked for this.
  • Literally none of you.
  • I threw it out there, and no one caught it.
  • And I don’t wanna, not particularly.
  • No one is enjoying this.
  • A perfect synecdoche for 2019.
  • Anyway, I have not seen these films in a decade.
  • I saw all three opening weekend in the theaters, with repeat attendance for the first two.
  • Starting to see a problem.
  • The first bit in Star Wars was an exciting pew-pew battle.
  • The first bit in The Phrantic Mormon is two guys in robes talking about politics, and also some aliens in robes.
  • No, wait.
  • Something blew up.
  • And now the Space Rabbis are slicing and dicing with their magic swords.
  • “More lightsaber” being the preferred answer to all life’s little problems at Skywalker Ranch is one of the Prequels’ weaknesses.
  • There are so many weaknesses.
  • But the over-reliance on lightsabers is a glaring one.
  • Yes, fans like them.
  • They’re shiny.
  • Fans like shiny things.
  • And they make the noise.
  • Oh, do the fans love the noise.
  • But the weapons were used sparingly (enough) in the Only Trilogy.
  • SW: Obi-Wan’s hut, briefly on the Falcon, and the duel with Vader.
  • ESB: on Hoth, and then on Dagobah, and then Cloud City, okay fine this one had lightsabers coming out of its ass.
  • ROTJ: Escaping from Jabba, escaping from the Stormtroopers, fighting Vader, okay this one, too.
  • I will modify my point to “the weapons were used tastefully (enough) in the OT.”
  • One-on-one fights.
  • Slow, clumsy, goofy-ass one-on-one fights.
  • And lightsabers were just swords.
  • Hence the name.
  • Sabers.
  • Prequels changed all that.
  • Now lightsabers could have multiple blades, just like men’s razors.
  • Or lightsaber nunchucks or shit like that.
  • Fuck!
  • Jar Jar!
  • Woooooooooow.
  • He is…
  • He is not quite as photorealistic as George Lucas had hoped, is he?
  • It’s slightly better than Roger Rabbit, but not really.
  • Jar Jar has brought Taken and My Boyfriend to the underwater city where he’s from, as he’s a member of a race of amphibious fish-monsters?
  • This is Naboo.
  • Everybody’s on Naboo, which is a planet that looks like a Robert Kincaid painting, except for where the fish-monsters live, which looks like a Roger Dean painting, and the Space Rabbis and Space Scrappy have to get to other side of the planet, so they…take a submarine through the planet’s core?
  • That’s not how planets work.
  • That’s not how cores work.
  • Who wrote this shit?
  • Oh.
  • Never has a man more benefited from an idea than George Lucas has from Auteur Theory.
  • (George Lucas also benefited from being a rather canny businessman.)
  • But Star Wars and the two that followed were group efforts.
  • The original film was apparently unwatchable before a massive re-cut by Brian DePalma and George’s wife, Marcia.
  • And, of course, Empire and Jedi were written and directed by others.
  • Why are these robots even bothering to hassle the Space Rabbis?
  • They get sliced through tin foil.
  • Ah, shit, it’s Artoo.
  • Taken, My Boyfriend, and Space Steppin Fetchit are now on a ship; they’re trying to get off of Naboo, but the Buttfaced aliens have blockaded the planet.
  • And their pilot’s strategy is to “fly straight at ’em.”
  • This works.
  • Star Wars is so fucking dumb.
  • Oh heeeeeeey Darth Paul.
  • I know his name is Darth Maul, but he doesn’t Maul anyone.
  • Goes out like a bitch.
  • Darth Paul is the Boba Fett of the Prequels.
  • Natalie Portman is a queen of some sort?
  • But she’s in hiding?
  • I dunno.
  • None of this ever made sense to me.
  • So she’s pretending to be her own handmaiden, but she’s also Keira Knightley.
  • And now they’re on Tatooine.
  • The cartoon rabbit just stepped in doody.
  • When I was a kid, I spent hours in front of the mirror practicing how to smile like Han Solo.
  • And now the cartoon rabbit has stepped in doody.
  • And anti-Semitism.

  • Look at that hateful bullshit.
  • I don’t mind those other aliens who are clearly Chinese stereotypes.
  • The Chinese should get a sense of humor.
  • But that’s not okay.
  • Jar Jar is not getting any realer-looking in the harsh desert sunlight.
  • Looked shitty in the dappled shade of the Naboo forest, and worse now.
  • They are in real sets, though.
  • I seem to remember the backgrounds becoming increasingly digital as the Prequels went on.
  • Ugh, Threepio just met Artoo.
  • Do you remember that–apparently–Baby Darth Vader built C3P0?
  • Baby Darth is nowhere near as cute as Baby Yoda.
  • Also a worse actor.
  • NOT THE KID’S FAULT.
  • Still: he was no Jodi Foster.
  • Our Star Warriors have met Baby Darth, who is a slave on Tatooine, and also Jesus and also he built Threepio, and there are various complications so as to lead us into an action-oriented set piece.
  • I am convinced that Taken is heavily sedated.
  • Xanax, maybe.
  • Bantha!
  • YAAAAAAAAAY, BANTHA!
  • I saw the thing from the other thing!
  • YAAAAAAAAY!
  • From what I can gather, Taken and My Boyfriend’s ship is broken, and they need to win some sort of race to get the money to fix it.
  • Which sharpish types will identify as the plot to most, if not all, of Elvis’ films.
  • DARTH VADER IS NOT SPACE JESUS.
  • Remember how Peter Cushing scolded him when he was arguing with the other guy during the meeting on the Death Star?
  • “Hey! Darth! Put it back in your pants!”
  • He’s just a Scary Robotface-man.
  • But this is what happens when George Lucas is given complete control.
  • Within the past ten minutes, we’ve learned that:
    • Baby Darth was conceived immaculately.
    • He built C3P0.
    • There is a blood test for the Force.
  • All of these ideas would be discarded after the first installment of the Prequels and never mentioned again.
  • Lord, I’m bored.
  • Step it the fuck up, people.
  • Why isn’t Taken shooting Slavs?
  • Usually in his movies, Taken shoots Slavs.
  • But now he’s talking to a poorly-drawn anti-Semitic cartoon.
  • I am not joking, Enthusiasts: Meyer Wolfsheim was a less overtly Jew-hating caricature than Watto.
  • Nothing I can say about the Prequels will be as insightful–or as funny–as the Plinkett Reviews from Red Letter Media.
  • Go watch ’em.

  • Why is a six-year-old allowed to pod-race with grown-ups, most of whom are aliens?
  • Shit, here’s Jabba.
  • He continues his tradition of never, ever, ever looking real since that one time they actually made him.
  • Anyway, the Laffalympics are going on.
  • It’s all cock?
  • Used to be a team of guys in tee-shirts built a model.
  • Then you ran a camera by it.
  • Looked like it was moving.
  • There was a weight to the models.
  • Now?
  • It’s all cock.
  • Saw this opening night at Mann’s Chinese Theater, which is a sweet Nerd Cred card to play.
  • I lived right behind the storied auditorium on North Orange Drive; for a week before the film’s May 1999 release, the line went by my window.
  • Here, look:

  • The black line is the line.
  • One afternoon, two fat guys dressed as Jedis got into a fistfight.
  • They windmilled their arms at one another.
  • The Force was with no one that day.
  • I did not wait in line; my buddy Phil had scored us tickets for opening night.
  • He worked for David Zucker, back when he was not a crazy right-wing person, and so he called in favors.
  • Or maybe he just got lucky.
  • The Chinese is a Golden Age thousand-seater; there’s velvet everywhere, and the carpeting speaks four languages.
  • Swanky establishment.
  • We’re sitting middle, center.
  • No better seats.
  • Crowd went nuts, I must admit.
  • No revisionism here: the audience at the Chinese Theatre did not turn on the film as it was shown.
  • Cheers and laughs and rousing receptivity.
  • And huge whoops any time something Star Warsy came on screen.
  • Artoo?
  • YAAAAAAAAS!
  • Threepio?
  • OMIGOD!
  • And leaving the venerable movie palace that evening, I would’ve give you a positive response.
  • The experience clouded my judgment.
  • Went back on Wednesday.
  • Hell, it was within walking distance.
  • Wasn’t like I had a job.
  • This showing was not packed.
  • The usual handful of the unemployable, disreputable, and furtive that populate any weekday movie.
  • Lights went down.
  • Could this be the same movie I just saw five nights before?
  • I remembered laughing and cheering, but it was just…boring.
  • Mind-meltingly, ball-shavingly boring.
  • I took two smoke breaks.
  • Considered not going back in the second time.
  • Every other occasion a movie forced me to take two cigarette breaks, I didn’t go back in the second time.
  • But, you know: Star Wars.
  • So I went back in.
  • The matte-ing is so cheap.
  • The characters all look like Colorforms.
  • Like they’ve been affixed to the screen rather than actually being in it.
  • Okay, so not Baby Darth is in front of the Space Rabbi council, and Yoda is like. “Let me ride them, someone must.”
  • And everyone’s like, “Master Yoda, stop riding people.”
  • “LOVE IT, I DO.”
  • And then he leapt onto the guy with the giant horse penis head.
  • The guy bucked and whirled, but he couldn’t get Yoda off.
  • He can grab strong with those little claws of his.
  • This kid was not up for this acting challenge.
  • That’s all I’ll say.
  • NOT HIS FAULT.
  • But he’s awful.
  • Just like in the Matrix Sequels, there is a guy in this film who I keep wanting to think is Joe Morton, but is definitely not Joe Morton.
  • I might be kinda racist
  • Except racist people think black people all look alike, and I think all black people look like Joe Morton.
  • So I am not racist.
  • Whew.
  • Glad we settled that.
  • Among his near-infinite other crimes, George Lucas gave My Boyfriend the single worst haircut of his career.
  • Look at this bullshit:

  • That haircut put in his six with the Coast Guard and now works as a union electrician in Ocean City, Maryland.
  • Now they’re setting up for a big fight or something.
  • The computer graphics are gonna run at the other computer graphics.
  • In a big field.
  • The Marvel Cinematic Universe stole a lot from the Prequels.
  • They’re talking about stuff.
  • Real, real close to shutting this off.
  • I hate it, and life, and I don’t know why I did this.
  • If you enjoyed this, then there’s something wrong with you.
  • And I have fried chicken from Publix.
  • I could watch something else.
  • Literally anything else.
  • I could watch paint learn.
  • Y’know how people say watching paint dry is boring?
  • Imagine how long it takes paint to pick up concepts.
  • Very boring.
  • They are pew-pewing at each other now, and Baby Darth has stolen a spaceship that he knows how to fly because he is a magic child.
  • Buncha assholes fighting in space.
  • Buncha assholes fighting on a field.
  • Buncha assholes fighting with lightsabers.
  • Darth Paul has arrived.
  • Face all looking like a burst sausage casing.
  • Looking like a dog’s dick got caught in a door.
  • That man nasty.
  • He has a double-bladed lightsaber.
  • One blade comes out one way.
  • ZZWHOMP.
  • And then another blade comes out the other way.
  • ZZWHAMP
  • It is very dramatic.
  • Damn my man-shorts, there 20 minutes left.
  • Taken gets poleaxed, and then My Boyfriend cuts Darth Paul in half.
  • I know how it ends.
  • Just get there so I can eat my chicken.
  • Every decision was wrong.
    • The plot.
    • The script.
    • The over-reliance on effects.
    • Jar Jar.
    • Focus on world-building and politics instead of fun adventures.
    • Lack of Tobacco the Space Monkey.
  • Taken and Darth Paul are dueling in a room with a giant open shaft in the middle of it.
  • No guard-rails, nothing.
  • And this is during the reign of the Republic, mind you.
  • I expect that kind of disregard for safety from the Empire, but the Republic were supposed to be the good guys.
  • Space OSHA should be called.
  • Papa Bear’s balls, the kid is now winning the space battle through luck and pluck.
  • I am working on a buddy-cop script entitled Luck & Pluck.
  • One’s got nothing but bad luck, and the other is a sentient pair of tweezers.
  • They do not get along at first!
  • Okay, Darth Paul just died at the road to Dantooine, and I’m gonna pretend the movie’s over.
  • My fried chicken says that the movie’s over.

Thoughts On The Mandalorian

  • The Mandalorian is a teevee show about Star Wars.
  • The Man, Delorean would have been about cars.
  • But I digress.
  • Disney’s streaming service went online today, after a fashion, and their Big Honkin’ Content is The Mandalorian.
  • Netflix does Hollywood-budget movies, and Apple has that show about Steve Carrell honking Reese Witherspoon’s boobies on the Today show, and HBO had the show with the lady and her dragon.
  • Amazon’s originals all feature actors your dad likes fighting crime, except for that one about the comedienne from the 50’s that your mom likes.
  • Also, Amazon’s streaming service comes free with Amazon Prime, so I bet most people have it by accident.
  • Disney Plus offers The Mandalorian as its BHC, to advertise that all Lucasfilm IP is now available exclusively on its platform.
  • This is in addition to the Marvel Corporate Universe, the Muppets, and both entries in the Apple Dumpling Gang series.
  • The service is aimed youthward, and towards stunted adults.
  • Grown-ups should really subscribe to the Criterion Channel and watch Peter Greenaway films, but those type of flicks make my head hurt.
  • I enjoy watching costumed adventurers punch one another, and also cartoons.
  • Martin Scorsese would be appalled.
  • Werner Herzog would not be, but only because Disney has paid him a great deal of money to appear in The Mandalorian as “Werner Herzog (in space).”
  • There has been much mirth made at this casting, but I say it was inevitable once Forest Whitaker was in Rogue One.
  • Herzog follows Whitaker like summer follows spring.
  • Mark my words: Tom Waits is gonna be in one of these things real soon.
  • Anyway, it’s Lone Wolf and Cub feat. Boba Fett (in space).
  • The first episode does, though, pull a neat trick by making you think it’s gonna be Yojimbo (in space) up until the very last shots.
  • And Boba Fett is not Boba Fett.
  • Boba Fett was from Mandalore, and he wore the ancient magic armor of his people, who were all bounty hunters because whatever a character was in the movies, his whole race was in the Expanded Universe.
  • Remember the Bothans that died stealing the plans to the Death Star?
  • In the EU, the Bothan species was known glalaxy-wide for treachery and subterfuge.
  • Or the Gamorrean guards at Jabba’s palace?
  • The ones that looked like evil Inspector McGruffs?
  • Well, it turns out their entire culture is based around fighting and violence and shit, in the EU at least.
  • And I mention the Expanded Universe of Star Wars because that’s where all of this “Mandalorian” bullshit came from.
  • The first mention of any backstory for Boba Fett was in the comic book.
  • Y’know what else was in the comic book?

  • That’s a fucking rabbit.
  • Look how angry Tobacco the Space Monkey is that he has to team up with a fucking rabbit.
  • And look how sad the caped wolfman is.
  • No one is thrilled with this arrangement, Jaxxon.
  • (The rabbit’s name is Jaxxon, and I knew that without looking it up, and I am both proud and not of that.)
  • The word “Mandalorian” does not appear in the films; hell, Boba Fett didn’t even have a name until the second time he showed up.
  • Stand there and look cool.
  • Boba Fett was a design, not a character.
  • What character there was was that of rank bitchery.
  • First, he needs Darth Vader standing next to him in order to capture our beloved Star Warriors.
  • Which is cheating.
  • I could’ve done that.
  • Then, he is eaten by a carnivorous sand-rectum.
  • Bitch moves, the both of them.
  • It is in Bob’s blood.
  • Jango Fett was also a filthy little bitch.
  • Left his incriminating bullshit out on the table for random Jedis to see.
  • Bitch move.
  • Failed to murder a virtually-undefended woman.
  • The stink of bitch!
  • Gets his head lopped off IMMEDIATELY upon entering a fight?
  • F-E-T-T, that spells “bitch.”
  • But–as I mentioned–he looked cool.
  • He was like Space Fonzie.
  • And the books and comics sold better when he was on the cover, so he garnered elaborate backstories, side quests, and possible futures.
  • But this Mandalorian is not Boba, as he proved in the initial episode by not being completely incompetent.
  • At no point did our anti-hero get eaten by a giant butthole in the desert.
  • Which is not to say that the sarlaac incident was not alluded to.
  • More than 50% of the shots in The Mandalorian are recreations of, or references to, shots from the Original Trilogy.
  • Landspeeder skimming along.
  • Vaguely Arabic architecture.
  • Gonk droid.
  • It’s all connected, man.
  • And yet unlike the clumsy fan service of Rogue One and Solo, I did not hate these callbacks.
  • I didn’t hate any of it, actually.
  • Rogue One made me so angry I adopted a dachshund, let it bond with me, and then abandoned it on the side of the road.
  • One mustn’t let anger fester.
  • But The Mandalorian did not infuriate me, even when it got batshit insane at the end.
  • Spoilers.
  • Oh, God, the guy from Swingers has saved Star Wars.

Donations Now Being Accepted

I’ll do it, but not for free.

EDIT: I am altering the deal. Valued Commentator Occidental Poppy suggests that I also take donations to not write about the Prequels; this is an excellent idea and is now implemented.

DOUBLE EDIT: No, fuck it: I’m taking it several steps further. You are all now being held hostage. Thoughts on the Prequels is a threat. Pay me, or I’ll do it. I swear, man, I’ll do it.

Thoughts On Oh God Kill Me Now

  • I just can’t do this anymore.
  • It’s not you, Star Wars, it’s me.
  • And you.
  • If we’re completely honest, that thing you did where you released three shitty films in a row may have contributed to my SW fatigue.
  • Stop crying, Star Wars.
  • Yes, I know it’s been almost 40 years that we’ve been together, but it’s just enough with you.
  • I’m with Marvel now.
  • There.
  • I said it.
  • Are you happy?
  • This is gonna be it for us, Star Wars.
  • Because you only have one idea, Star Wars.
  • There is a terrible family, who unfortunately are all wizards, and they create galaxy-wide chaos with their bullshit.
  • That’s all you are, Star Wars: stories about the Skywalkers bothering people.
  • And Ralph McQuarry’s aesthetic.
  • You have no other tricks to reveal, Star Wars.
  • Why else would you bring back Billy Dee Williams?
  • I packed up your zippity-zop guns and bandoliers; you can see the droids on the weekends.
  • Tell Tobacco the Space Monkey I say goodbye.

Thoughts On Solo (Spoilers)

  • Some things were so much clearer
  • Once you were in my rearviewmirror.
  • That’s by Pearl Jam; it was playing on the radio when I got out of the theater; it has nothing at all to do with Han: A Scoundrel’s Fairytale.
  • Nope, nothing at all.
  • Nosireebob, the typist said as he listened to a recording made in 1973.
  • Spoilers from here on in.
  • No foolin’.
  • I’m the sun and you’re the mayonnaise; shit will get spoilt.
  • S
  • P
  • O
  • I
  • L
  • T
  • Spoilt.
  • If you’re still here, then let’s go.
  • Punch it, Jewy.
  • Okay, first off: I did not know that Melissa McCarthy was in this.
  • Or that the plot revolved around her returning to college as a grown mom.
  • And that there would be little to no war, be it amongst the stars or anywhere else.
  • Pss pss pss.
  • I have been informed that I watched Life of the Party instead of Vest: A Sideburns Pew Pew. 
  • Gimme 143 minutes.
  • CASUAL WHISTLING NOISE
  • Okay, I have seen the correct film.
  • Movie.
  • This ain’t a “film.”
  • Lawrence of Arabia was a film.
  • This here’s a movie.
  • So, anyway: Young Han Solo is from Corellia, along with Dragonface McEyebrows, and he loooooooooves her and wants to stick it in her BUT SHE IS BAD, it turns out later.
  • You would only see the twist coming if you had ever seen a movie before.
  • Or read a book.
  • Or just weren’t a complete nincompoop.
  • But they start off as street urchins working for Space Fagin.
  • Not lying.
  • There is absolutely a Space Fagin in this movie.
  • He’s a lady Space Fagin, and also a giant tapeworm that’s also a dracula for some reason, but: Fagin.
  • I’ll just give you the plot because there are no themes in this movie.
  • Maybe it’s about how Han learns to not trust anyone?
  • But he should have learned that being a child slave on Corellia.
  • And he learns to trust Tobacco the Space Monkey.
  • Yeah, I’m gonna go back to my first thought: no themes whatsoever.
  • PEW PEW.
  • So, now Han’s an Imperial trooper or something and he runs into Woody Harrelson and Thandie Newton.
  • And you, sitting in your seat, say, “Hey, it’s Woody Harrelson and Thandie Newton.”
  • Which is why you shouldn’t put famous actors in Star Wars.
  • Because instead of thinking, “My, what ferocious adventures these rogues are having,” you think, “Hey, that guy knows Bobby.”
  • And then Paul Bettany shows up and you start wondering if there are Infinity Gems involved in this bullshit.
  • I’m ahead of myself.
  • Han is a lot like Rey, or Luke, or–I’m quite sure–Boba Fett in his upcoming dumb-ass prequel in that he can do whatever the plot requires of him at the time.
  • Meets an angry Wookiee?
  • He can speak Shryiiwook.
  • New ship?
  • He can fly it.
  • Never are we shown him learning these skills, but he has them when he needs them.
  • It’s like the creative team rolled for his attributes and then refused to let anyone else see the character sheet.
  • (There was all sort of Hollywood machinations going on during the making of the film, including the original directors getting fired and replaced by Ralph Malph, but no one cares. Although the movie was written by Lawrence Kasdan–of Empire fame–and his son, which is sweet. I never wrote a Star Wars with my dad. He punched me a couple times, but never a co-writing credit on a Star Wars. Miss ya, Pop.)
  • Fuel!
  • Remember fuel?
  • We learned in The Last Jedi that ships in Star Wars required fuel.
  • Never before had this fact been brought to our attention, but now it’s a thing and Han and his crew have to steal the fuel.
  • The fuel is called Plottinium.
  • (It’s not, but I’m gonna call it that. Fuck it: Disney doesn’t have a private army. Yet.)
  • They gotta get it, and the Plottinium is on a train because it’s not like there’s any other way to transport stuff in the Star Wars Universe.
  • Say, a ship that, if under attack, could veer off course and run instead of staying on a track where the robbers would be able to plant bombs and stuff.
  • But the plan goes wrong and Thandie Newton and a CG character whose name I didn’t care to listen for die!
  • Oh, noes!
  • Woody Harrelson is all like, “NOOOOOOO!”
  • Because apparently we were supposed to care about Thandie Newton.
  • I had not been informed of that fact.
  • And the Plottinium gets away with the bad guys, who will later turn out to be multi-ethnic good guys.
  • So Han and Chewie and OH, WAIT.
  • Woody Harrelson’s name was Tobias Beckett.
  • WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF STAR WARS NAME IS TOBIAS FUCKING BECKETT?
  • Tobias Beckett is the name of, like, one of Pennsylvania’s representatives at the Constitutional Convention.
  • Or your fussy uncle who brings his “friend” Lawrence to family holidays.
  • We all know who Lawrence is, Uncle Tobias.
  • Stop it with the roommate bullshit.
  • Tob Asbeck.
  • Kett Siabot.
  • Moogoo Gai Pan.
  • Those are fucking Star Wars names, Kasdan family.
  • Not Tobias fucking Beckett.
  • What was Thandie Newton’s name, Ellen Carter?
  • Now I’m angry.
  • Stop it and get on with whatever this is.
  • It’s not a review.
  • Clearly not.
  • Where was I?
  • Oh, right: LANDO!
  • Who is Donald Glover in a cape doing a Billy Dee Williams impression.
  • AND THEY’RE PLAYING SABACC!
  • THAT THING THEY MENTIONED IN ONE OF THE STUPID NOVELS!
  • PIUGUH JBIYUWDO{UOUHFG.
  • And since they’ve lost the Plottinium, they have to go find more.
  • Where could it be?
  • Is it under your space bed?
  • Did you leave it next to the sink while you were shaving?
  • In the freezer next to the banana guacamole?
  • No, of course notIT’S ON KESSELKESSELOMIGODKESSEL.
  • THAT THING THEY MENTIONED!
  • So they go to Kessel, but Kessel is located in some sort of Space Bad Neighborhood and some retconning bullshit about parsecs–THEY MENTIONED PARSECS!–and whatnot and now there’s a “heist.”
  • I put heist in quotes because Ocean’s 11 is a heist movie.
  • Heist movies require elaborate plans and disguises and things go wrong and everyone is charming.
  • They just pretty much walk into the mine and take the stuff.
  • Oh, and Lando has a fuckbot.
  • Because they can’t give a black man a real girlfriend.
  • This is Kessel.
  • Stormtroopers be trippin’ now.
  • Anyway, the fuckbot dies and Lando is all like “NOOOOOO!”
  • Because apparently we were supposed to care about the fuckbot.
  • AND THEN THEY MAKE THE KESSEL RUN!
  • THAT THING THEY MENTIONED!
  • And there is a monster along the way that tries to eat the Millennium Falcon while Han and Chewie try to pilot the ship out of a rapidly-closing exit.
  • Because otherwise how would you know it was a Star Wars movie?
  • (Oh, yeah: the Falcon is there and all shiny and new and juuuuuuust different enough to require the purchase of a new piece of stamped plastic.)
  • YAY!
  • They win!
  • Only to be double-crossed.
  • Betcha didn’t see that coming.
  • Oh, you saw that coming?
  • Yeah, we all did.
  • Han and Paul Bettany and The Pretty One Who Can’t Act shoot at each other–PEW PEW–and there are swords because why wouldn’t there be swords in a galaxy that had learned to control gravity?
  • Then, Young Han Solo (I would have paid extra if everyone else in the movie had referred to him as “Young Han Solo” the entire time) gives the Plottinium back to the bad guys who were actually good guys.
  • He does the right thing!
  • Which, if you think about for more than a second, nullifies his entire arc in Star Wars.
  • Ah, well, whatever: WE SAW WHERE HE GOT HIS BLASTER!
  • Woody Harrelson gave it to him!
  • See you back here in two years for Guards! Guards! A Tale of Gamorrea.

You Can See All The Starships As You Walk Down Hollywood Boulevard

Hey, Falcon. Whatcha doing?

“Blocking traffic.”

You are. Kinda dickish.

“They let you do it when you’re a star.”

Big new movie coming out, huh?

“Eh. Not like the old days. Some little punk’s in the vest. Chewbacca’s a Swede or a Finn or something now. Lando keeps taking off his shirt and dancing meaningfully.”

It ain’t the 1970’s anymore.

“You know who directed me this time?”

Ron Howard.

“Opie! Fucking Opie was telling me what to do. That guy is no fun at all. When we’d finish up on Fridays, he’d break out the Scattergories. Whoopie, right? You know what me and Kershner used to do?”

Coke?

“So much fucking coke! And you know how you were allowed to treat women back then?”

Badly?

“Or well. Or not at all. It was your choice how the interaction unfolded. The good old days.”

Well, it’s not the good old days any longer. Shape up. I can’t bear to read a Ronan Farrow article about you.

“That bastard’s a snitch. And that snitch is a bastard.”

Don’t do that.

“Jeffrey Tambor was right.”

About what?

“About everything.”

I cannot agree with you. Can’t you just be happy you’re back in the spotlight?

“Yeah, sure. Maybe I’ll get a Twitter account and be a thirsty wiener like Hamill. Harrison has the right idea. When they call you, tell ’em to go fuck themselves.”

Why didn’t you?

“Needed the money. I’m paying four alimonies, and one of them is to Loni Anderson. Not a cheap date.”

Just smile and collect the check, man.

“Funny you should say that: Woody Harrelson has that tattooed on his ass in Latin.”

Not surprised.

It’s Just A Hyperspace Jump To The Left

“Jenkins!”

“Yes, sir.”

“More Chewbacca.”

“Than the last trailer?”

“Than anything. More Chewbacca than anyone had ever conceived possible.”

“Yes, sir.”

“And use the Time Warp for the music.”

“Yes, sir.”

A Han Solo Story

INT – MILLENNIUM FALCON

YOUNG HAN SOLO (played by ALL THE KIDS FROM STRANGER THINGS EXCEPT THE BLACK ONE) paces around the hold. YOUNG LANDO (played by THE BLACK KID FROM STRANGER THINGS) and YOUNG CHEWBACCA (played by a #TIME’SUP PIN) are also there. Everyone is doing SPACE BULLSHIT.

HAN
Hey, Lando. Guess who sent me a hologram?

LANDO
Young Luke Skywalker?

HAN
Who?

LANDO
Oh, right. We haven’t met any of them yet. Who?

HAN
Bryx Darb

LANDO
That is a very Star Wars name.

HAN
Right? We’re going to a 50’s diner, which exist for some reason.

LANDO
You’re gonna wear that?

Young Han Solo is wearing SPACE OVERALLS.

HAN
What’s wrong with this?

Lando and Chewie look at each other and shake their heads. Chewie makes ONE OF THE NOISES THAT MAKES NERDS CUM. They both GET UP and walk into the COCKPIT, where Chewie HITS HIS HEAD on a PAIR OF DICE HANGING FROM THE REARVIEW and all the NERDS CUM AGAIN.

INT – THE SPACE MALL

Wacky ALIENS and THAT SORT OF BULLSHIT walk around the FOOD COURT where SPACE TEENS are SPACE FLIRTING.

HAN
Guys, I don’t know about this.

LANDO
Han, old pal, we’re gonna make you look groovy.

CHEWIE
<Wookiee sound.>

They enter a store: HOLO-CHESS KING.

SOUND CUE: WALKING ON SUNSHINE BY KATRINA AND THE WAVES

Lando and Chewie sit outside a DRESSING ROOM. A retail CLERK played by Kevin Spacey Christopher Plummer is with them.

Han emerges in a COMICAL OUTFIT. Lando, Chewie, and the clerk SHAKE THEIR HEADS. He REENTERS the dressing room.

Han comes back out in a WHITE BLOUSE AND BEIGE LEGGINGS. The nerds CUM. The clerk DOES, TOO. Lando and Chewie are UNIMPRESSED. BACK IN the dressing room.

Han re-emerges wearing a COAT MADE OUT OF WOOKIEE FUR. Chewie does that thing where he SHAKES HIS SPACE MONKEY ARMS OVER HIS HEAD. Lando attempts to hold Chewie down, but is THROWN OUT THE WINDOW TO HIS DEATH.

The clerk pulls a weapon.

HAN
No blasters! No blasters!

Chewie EATS the clerk.

Han takes off the coat.

HAN
Okay, okay. No need to get nuts. It’s fake!

Chewie examines the coat. They have a BIG LAUGH.

HAN
What about this?

Han pulls a BLACK VEST and WHITE SHIRT off of a hanger. Chewie approves.

INT – DEATH STAR

A CREEPY CGI MOFF TARKIN and a DARTH VADER THAT DOESN’T LOOK RIGHT stand at a monitor looking at the SPACE MALL.

TARKIN
You may fire when ready.

VADER
I’ll teach you to ban me from Sears!

TARKIN
You were hitting on teenagers, Darth.

VADER
The Force wants what the Force wants.

SHZWAM!

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