- Finn, Rey, and BB-8 hide in the secret compartment just like in the first film but it’s not the bad guys boarding the ship: it’s her rightful owners!
- Han!
- Chewie!
- YAAAAAYSTARWARSYAAAAY!
- I like the white girl and the black guy and Oscar Isaac, but Han and Chewie are here now.
- They have not changed their clothes: Han is still rocking the black-over-white look, and Chewie is still naked save for a bandolier.
- That’s where he keeps his harmonicas.
- The five of the become instant best friends and say portentous things to each other, except for Chewie who says, “GNAAAARgh” and things like that.
- That may be a very portentous statement in the Wookiee language, but I don’t speak it.
- …
- …
- …
- Shyriiwook.
- The Wookie language is called Shyriiwook and I knew that fact without looking it up; I despise myself.
- Then the whale shark ship that ate the Falcon is itself eaten, or maybe boarded, or perhaps some minor bad guys are teleported onto the ship: I may or may not have been playing with my phone during this scene.
- Han is smuggling some sort of space monster–not, for some reason, gundarks–and the minor bad guys threaten him and the space monsters get released.
- And though the sequence is forgettable, it is chockablock of subliminal Star Wars: during the showdown between Han and the minor bad guys, he stands in light broken by an overhead grate (people in Star Wars are lit this way a lot), and then a black guy gets a tentacle wrapped around his leg.
- Our Star Warriors escape on the Falcon, where Finn immediately bumps the holo-chess set which looks just the way it did thirty years ago, shitty holograms and all.
- And God bless his stoned, cranky heart: Harrison Ford is trying.
- He hasn’t been for a while not, but the guy’s giving it at least 80%.
- It’s like when Billy decides to give a shit.
- Back at Space Nazi HQ, Kylo Ren is revealed not to be the actual bad guy, as he kneels before a hologram of a giant monsterface.
- His name is Shmoop.
- Shmuck?
- Snooki?
- Anyway, he’s a big evil monsterface and it’s 5 to 2 that he’s a cloned Palpatine or some other foolishness.
- Or Han’s other kid from a previous marriage.
- Speaking of Han, the good guys have landed on a planet somewhere to see a CG character who is not Yoda.
- Yoda was interesting.
- It’s another remix scene: the cantina from Star Wars with snatches of the Dagobah sequence–mostly the evil tree part–from Empire.
- There is a nifty juxtaposition between Kylo Ren fondling Vader’s burnt mask and Rey finding Luke’s lightsaber.
- This family has made a lot of problems for the galaxy with their bullshit, if we’re honest.
- It’s like if the Bushes knew magic.
- We cut back to Mt. Doom, where the lead bad guy is giving a speech to his whole army and it is straight-up The Triumph of the Space Will.
- The OT (Only Trilogy) used the black and white of the Nazis for the Empire, but they were sparing with the red; the color was only associated with the bad guys via Vader’s lightsaber and the Emperor’s guards.
- If you use too much red, you go Full Nazi.
- The Force Awakens went Full Nazi
- The First Order has somehow built a weaponized asshole into the core of the very planet they’re standing on and they are ready to witness the awesome power of a fully-operational Giant Death Anus.
- SHWOKATHOOM it spews red all over the galaxy, destroying not just one planet–like that punk Death Star–but an entire system.
- It is at this moment when The Force Awakens makes a phase-transition from silly to completely incomprehensible: our heroes see this event occurring in the sky of the planet they are on.
- Finn just looks up.
- “Oh, that’s not good.”
- One could quibble pedantically about planets and their relative distance from one another, but Star Wars has a point and astronomy is not it.
- I’ve said this before: you don’t think about Star Wars, you feel about it.
- The First Order then invades the planet our heroes are on and sends men in armor to engage in hand-to-hand combat, because the First Order is nothing but idiots up and down.
- Daisy Ridley has lovely calves.
- She is also a crack shot, as is Finn; they both have close to a one-shot/one-kill record in the movie
- Stormtroopers remain poor shots.
- In their defense, they are required to by the laws of drama.
- Then Finn fires up the lightsaber (which he knows how to use) and sword fights a Stormtrooper with an anti-lightsaber truncheon (that he just happened to bring with him).
- Again: best not to think about it.
- Just when all seems lost, they are saved by a squadron of Resistance X-Wings; they swoop in low over a lake and dogfight over the land and they’ve got cool new paint jobs, but the pilots are still in the orange suits with the white bibs.
- Oh, right: the good guys are the Resistance, not the Rebellion; very small amounts of time are spent on the political situation of the galaxy in The Force Awakens.
- This is because J.J. Abrams is capable of learning from other people’s mistakes.
- The Republic is in charge, which would make the First Order the rebels.
- There is some nonsense about the Republic and the Resistance being separate things, but I went to the bathroom.
- Anyway, the Resistance wins the Battle of the CG Character’s Bar and a transport ship lands and IT’S LEIA and she’s just fucking awesome.
- No buns, no cape, no metal bikini.
- A practical vest for a practical general.
- She meets Han and is very meaningful because their son is an evil Jedi and they are sad and old, and we are all sad and old, and all of our sons are evil Jedis now, too.
- General Leia meets Finn and Rey and BB-8 and Chewie in very meaningful ways.
- Also, Poe Dameron is still alive.
- YAAAY!
- They brought sexy back.
- They don’t bother to actually explain it or anything, but he’s back and that’s all that matters.
- Finn is overjoyed to see him.
- “I thought you died!”
- “I didn’t.”
- “Okay.”
- And then Oscar Isaac mispronounces Princes Leia’s name and it made it to the final cut of the film.
- He calls her General Or-gone-a.
- I’m beginning to believe Oscar Isaac’s entire performance is a put-on.
- Threepio has also made his way onstage by this point, though not to do anything useful, but he does lead us to Artoo, who has been sitting in “low-power mode” since Luke disappeared.
- (Have I mentioned that everyone is looking for Luke? Han and Leia’s son Ben was his apprentice before turning to the Dark Side and becoming Kylo Ren; Luke fucked off out of guilt, like Mickey in 1971, and now everyone’s looking for him. I feel as though I’ve gotten a lot of details right, but missed the big picture. On the other hand, you could just watch the film; I’m under no obligation to make sense.)
- Remember when I said Rey met Leia?
- Lies.
- Rey got captured (so much capturing in Star Wars) by Kylo Ren and taken back to Mordor for the most dramatic scene of the film, and one that could have gone terribly wrong and pushed the movie into laughable camp.
- Kylo Ren removes his scary mask to reveal he’s Adam Driver, and it’s one of the movie’s best scenes, honestly: he plays it perfectly, and Kylo Ren is suddenly Ben Solo, a little Vader fanboy who shops at Space Hot Topic.
- He uses the Force on her, activating his powers by gesturing ominously and making faces.
- But Rey begins to make faces back!
- Her Force powers have manifested at the precise moment she needed them to, and she and Kylo make faces at each other for a while.
- It looks like Scanners, kinda; if John Williams’ score wasn’t under it, the scene would play much differently.
- But then there’s an evil emergency and Kylo Ren has to leave; Rey uses her newfound abilities to Jedi Mind Trick the guard.
- Some viewers, such as those with an IQ higher than a cabbage, might ask “How did she know she could do that? How does she even know a ‘Jedi Mind Trick’ is a thing? Leaving aside the question of how she pulls it off: doesn’t it require practice? What’s the use of living in a swamp with a magical frog-person if you can just pick up all the Jedi bullshit the first day?”
- Some viewers.
- Not me.
- She escapes and wanders around the Not Death Star while we join the good guys in a mash-up of the battle-planning scenes from Star Wars and Jedi.
- Ackbar!
- Nein Numb!
- Holograms!
- A countdown to doom!
- It makes sense that this scene is a combination of the preludes to the third acts of SW and ROTJ because the rest of the movie is a blend of those two films, as well.
- Han and Chewie and Finn take the Millennium to disable the shield generator, while Poe and the X-Wings fly down a trench to blow up a big, scary thing.
- Then the single dumbest thing in an exquisitely dumb film happens: the shield which surrounds Starkiller Base only keeps out ships traveling at sub-light speed, so Han flies through it at light speed and drops out in time to land semi-safely.
- He doesn’t even let the computer do it: he eyeballs it.
- Whatever.
- Finn is there because he was once stationed at the base as a janitor, so naturally he knows he to blow up the shield generator.
- That’s something they cover in the orientation: where the mops are kept, what time lunch is, and how to blow up the entire base.
- They kidnap Captain Phasma (who is a Boba Fett-level example of style over substance) and set the explosives and reunite with Rey, who–as it happens–was twenty feet away from them.
- X-Wings shoot at TIE Fighters, and are shot at by the blockish, rotating laser turrets from the first Death Star battle.
- The Star Warriors are about to leave, but Han sees his son, and Harrison Ford didn’t want to be in any more of these, so Kylo kills Han.
- Spoilers.
- The shield generator blows up, and Poe Dameron and the X-Wings leave the trench they were flying down to go to a different trench and fly down it.
- The entire planet begins to blow up as Kylo Ren shows his ass: Finn has no idea what he’s doing with the lightsaber and he almost holds his own in a duel.
- But he doesn’t and is out of the fight but lives because John Boyega would like to be in more of these.
- Rey takes her turn; surprisingly enough, she is a champion-level lightsaberist.
- Her technique consists of awkwardly thrusting the ‘saber towards her opponent and then letting the director cut to a wide shot starring her stunt double.
- The ground beneath them senses their conflict, and opens a chasm between them in a very symbolic fashion.
- Then Chewie shows up because he does.
- The planet explodes because it is the end of a Star Wars movie, but everyone except Han is fine.
- Han’s dead.
- They go home to Leia and the Resistance and Leia hugs people.
- I said people, not Wookiees.
- Chewie didn’t get a medal, and now he doesn’t get a hug.
- Artoo wakes up because the script says he does; he tells everyone where Luke is.
- Anyway, Rey and Chewie–who is still the co-pilot instead of getting a promotion–and Artoo fly off to find Luke, who is living at the top of a cliff in Ireland with his beard.
- I wonder if they’ll make a sequel?
Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
Tag: star wars (Page 4 of 6)
- I didn’t want to write about The Force Awakens right when I saw it because of spoilers and whatnot, and then I forgot to do it entirely; I just re-watched it, so let’s give this bullshit a whirl.
- Star Wars: The Force Awakens is a deeply slight movie that doesn’t have a plot: a series of coincidences occur while people Star Wars at each other.
- Except for Oscar Isaac, who thinks he’s in a Sidney Lumet film about junkies in Alphabet City.
- We’ll get to him.
- The creative team took all the elements from the OT (Only Trilogy) and mixed them up in a hat, then drew at random.
- This is not to say the film is not enjoyable: I giggled and cheered and oohed and aahed just as I had upon first viewing.
- You care about the old characters, and the new, and the Falcon is back and there’s a Secret Villain that the heretofore main villain kneels in front of.
- Tobacco the Space Monkey.
- So if I quibble, don’t take it as thumbs-down: This Star Wars product fulfilled this consumer’s needs, and I am interested in seeing further Star Wars products.
- Anyway, we start with the crawling words bit because if you leave that out there will be a riot in the theater.
- Then there is a remix of the opening scene from Star Wars.
- (A reminder: I will not call the first movie “A New Hope” and the prequels do not exist. Thank you.)
- Stormtroopers from the First Order come down to Jakku and start shooting people; there is a space flamethrower deployed at one point.
- They are chasing Poe Dameron, who is talking to Max von Sydow and there are secret plans or some nonsense.
- The secret plans are on a flash drive, and I feel that J.J. Abrams missed an opportunity at this point to add another Star Wars reference and use this one:
- BoTotD gave me that for Christmas one year.
- But then Poe Dameron hears a noise and, using the same binoculars Luke used, checks things out.
- He gives BB-8 the space macguffin and tells the droid to roll into the desert to hide.
- They are on a desert planet because of course they are.
- Then Kylo Ren and Captain Phasma show up and they are so very evil.
- They’re not even trying to hide it: one’s in a black cloak and scary mask, and the other’s in a chrome death suit.
- Kylo Ren kills Max von Sydow and then interrogates Poe.
- Acting is all about choices, and Oscar Isaac made the choice to play his character as Space Serpico.
- Poe Dameron, you are my prisoner!
- In the Star Wars Universe, people get taken prisoner (ineffectually) three or four times a week.
- I say ineffectually because in the Star Wars Universe, prisoners are immediately brought to the place they were trying to break into.
- While this is happening, a Stormtrooper is having a crisis of conscience; the filmmakers have helpfully had a dying buddy smear blood on his helmet so we could tell our hero from the rest of the ‘troopers.
- It should be noted at this point that Star Wars is a visual and emotional world, not an intellectual one, and it always has been; you can’t analyze any of this as if it’s supposed to, you know, make any sense.
- Stormtroopers are now snatched up as children during raids and conditioned to die for the First Order, which is not the way a professional army does things.
- That Kony guy did it that way.
- Did we stop him?
- Now we meet Rey: she is scavenging in the broken remains of a Star Destroyer, which is an excellent metaphor for this movie and one that the writers and director must surely have been aware of.
- If you give the movie’s creators credit for being at least as smart as you are, this whole movie plays like a meta-fictional observation on Star Wars, fan service, franchises in general, and the concept of the reboot; with different performances from the leads, The Force Awakens could easily be camp.
- Luckily, the three youngsters and three old guns play it straight and let you get invested in the story, but make no mistake: The Force Awakens knows what it’s doing.
- She has a landspeeder and a bo staff; also, like all desert scavengers, she has perfect teeth and a milky complexion.
- And a British accent, which are distributed randomly in this film: the bad guy general has one, but none of the officers do; John Boyega (Finn) is British, but uses an impeccable American accent.
- Maybe Daisy Ridley just couldn’t do one, and J.J. Abrams said “Fuck it, be British.”
- Anyway, Rey does a bunch of scavenging that reveals her character (Plucky! Resourceful! On her own!) and eats some space food while Star Wars happens around her
- Gonk droid!
- Moisture vaporators!
- A pretty white person standing on a sand dune in beige leggings and a tunic!
- We smash our toys together in the playgrounds of our fathers.
- Cut back to the Star Destroyer hovering above the planet, where Finn decides to defect and escape the clutches of the First Order; he rescues Poe Dameron, entering his cell like Luke coming into Leia’s cell on the Death Star and removing his helmet in the same way.
- To which Poe Dameron responds, “Aren’t you a little black to be a Stormtrooper?”
- I made that up and it was wrong of me to do so.
- They begin to make love to each other with their eyes, and then consummate their union symbolically by freeing the tether on a TIE Fighter and shooting their way out of the Star Destroyer.
- It’s a sex scene.
- After watching The Force Awakens in the theater, I lost interest in Star Wars (UNTIL THE NEW ROGUE ONE TRAILER OMFG #STARWARSCOUNTDOWN) but read here and there Poe and Finn’s relationship had been noticed by both Tumblr and sources more academic as being–for lack of a better term–completely gay; I scoffed at this as overreach.
- I was wrong.
- They love each other.
- And, as with the self-and-meta-referential moments in the movie, I have to believe the two actors were doing it on purpose: there is an intent behind their shared gazes that is both palpable and unmistakable.
- Poe and Finn, sittin’ in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g.
- On the surface, they’re “shooting” the bad guys with their “cannons” but we know what’s going down above Jakku.
- And then bad guys blast them out of the sky and they crash-land on the planet within walking distance of Rey because you shouldn’t think about that.
- Rey has found BB-8 somewhere in here and people want to buy it, but they’re also working for the Order, and though I just watched this movie, I have forgotten it already it.
- Rey also speaks droid, and this brings up a charge some on the innertubes have leveled against her, because accusing fictional characters of things is a favored activity of the innertubes: that she is a Mary Sue.
- The character that can do anything, solve any problem, and knows everything.
- Batman.
- And, of course, there’s an inherent but arguable sexism inherent in the term and the accusation, but no matter: it’s simply not true.
- Rey can’t do everything.
- She can fix the Falcon better than Han or Chewie, and speak both alien and droid languages, and she’s a better pilot than trained TIE aviators, and she can beat up two assailants twice her size, and literally never misses a blaster shot despite having never used one before Han hands one to her, and she can lightsaber-duel a trained Jedi to a standstill.
- That’s not everything.
- She was, however, instantly a master of whatever skill the movie required of her at the time.
- Anyway, Finn and Rey meet up because Finn is wearing his boyfriend’s jacket and BB-8 recognizes it.
- Poe has supposedly died in the crash; in reality, the writers couldn’t figure out what to do with him in the second act.
- Finn starts treating Rey like a girly-girl, which makes no sense: his Stormtrooper boss was a woman, which implies a certain gender balance in the Order, but he comes on like he’s heard of women but never actually met one.
- The whole bit is grating, honestly.
- They are being shot at by TIE Fighters and Stormtroopers and things are going PEW PEW and there is running.
- Luckily, our heroes are in the Star Wars Universe, where you are always within sight of the most helpful object, and there she is: the Millennium Falcon.
- Lying out there like a killer in the sun.
- Rey knows how to fly it, because she needs to, and Finn hops on the laser cannons, which are loaded even though the ship has been sitting in a scrapyard.
- And whereas up until now we have gotten a reboot, here we get a remix: Finn shoots using the same blocky, 16-bit targeting computer as Luke and Han in the first movie, while Rey maneuvers the Falcon through narrow metal tunnels like Lando in the third.
- (Yes, yes: Nein Numb helped.)
- ALL THE STAR WARS AT ONCE.
- There is also a problem with the motivator on the Falcon, which is a very Star Wars problem to have, but our heroes escape and immediately get swallowed by a ship that looks like a whale shark.
- They are boarded and prepare to kill the intruders using poison gas.
- It is at this point that I note two things.
- One: Star Wars has never been shy about killing people; all of the good guys are murderers many times over.
- Two: this post is going to end up being 5,000 words long, so I’m going to split it up.
- If you didn’t enjoy this, then you should skip the next one.
- Although if you’re still reading, I think we can assume reader satisfaction.
- Lemme pee and I’ll finish.
- May the Force be with you.
- [embedyt] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ze2kpOZx_kU[/embedyt]
- This is the future that we have chosen: a new, carefully-calibrated, competently-executed Star Wars product every year until you fucking die.
- Remember that thing you liked?
- Here, choke on it.
- Please note for the record that TotD was the first to declare that we have reached Peak Star Wars.
- There is a backlash coming; a rebellion, if you will.
- Anyway, the actual trailer isn’t a trailer: it’s a teaser trailer, but keep in mind that words don’t mean anything anymore.
- It’s a trailer.
- Which means–by law–it must begin with ominous piano music.
- There is a pretty white girl in trouble.
- She is making a very serious face.
- Look:
- That is a very serious face.
- Also: did you know that there was mascara in space?
- She looks like she should be smoking Marlboro Reds in the parking lot of the Mos Eisley 7-11.
- And while she is making that face, she is completely surrounded by Star Wars.
- X-Wings, and droids, and that dopey Tour de France-style space helmet the guy in the picture’s wearing.
- It’s like the set was cosplaying as Star Wars.
- You might just call it Star Warsing.
- This trailer is the Star Warsiest thing ever, and we haven’t even gotten to the AT-AT walkers.
- Then, Mon Mothma and a Hispanic guy show up.
- (The Star Wars Universe has become decidedly more diverse since Disney bought the property, although the hero is still going to be a pretty white girl. Felicity Jones, Daisy Ridley, Luke Hamill: pretty white girls. Also, that the push for an integrated SWU is mostly based in added value in the global market makes no difference. Any casting process that gives me Forest Whitaker and Donnie Yen in a Star Wars movie is to be lauded.)
- The innertubes have already begun speculating on whether the Hispanic guy is Poe Dameron’s father, because the innertubes are racist.
- There is punching.
- Blasters, which make the sound .
- PEW PEW.
- And the pretty white girl goes, “This is a rebellion, right? I rebel.”
- Which is a dumb fucking line.
- “This is a star war, right? LIGHTSABERLIGHTSABERYAAAAAY.”
- Kinda blatant, is all I’m saying.
- Back to the action: Ladies and Gentlemen, the Death Star.
- They have made five Star Wars films and the Death Star has been in four of them.
- That’s an 80% market penetration.
- Holy shit: Star Wars isn’t about Jedis or the Force or any of that bullshit.
- It’s about the Death Star.
- Quick: someone go concoct an elaborate revisionist theory where the Death Star is the protagonist.
- A series of shots:
- Space Nazi in a cape!
- X-Wing pilots running!
- Stormtroopers patrolling somewhere dusty!
- Forest Whitaker!
- Wait.
- One of these things is not like the other.
- Luckily, Forest Whitaker is a god among men and he and his sloppy eyeball can be in every movie, as far as I’m concerned.
- Plus, if you were on one of the seemingly-millions of desert planets in the Star Wars Universe, and you ran into a crazy person in a cave, that person would be Forest Whitaker.
- It just makes sense.
- I would pay to see a shot-for-shot remake of the original Star Wars with Forest Whitaker playing every part: Han, Luke, Leia, the droids.
- Forest Whitaker is also wearing a cape.
- We’ve discussed the cape thing.
- This trailer is less than two minutes long, and there are a good 35 characters wearing capes.
- And then there’s a bunch of mysterious bullshit: out-of-context shots of the bad guy, and the true, secret bad guy (can’t be Star Wars without a true, secret bad guy), and a new stormtrooper or two.
- Running!
- Peril!
- Escaping!
- AND THEN DONNIE YEN LAYS SOME MOTHERFUCKING SPACE KUNG FU ON A STORMTROOPER.
- Perhaps you know how I feel about Donnie Yen.
- If you need a refresher course:
- Now: they’re not going to let him to do that, but his mere presence in the film is enough for me.
- I got a yen for Yen.
- He’s the biggest movie star in Asia, so it makes sense why he’s in here: China doesn’t really give a shit about Star Wars at the moment, but Disney is intent on changing that opinion.
- It’s a bit surprising a Bollywood star or two isn’t in this.
- And then AT-AT walkers have their grand entrance and–as is the trope–can’t shoot for shit.
- Our Star Warriors are running, slowly and in straight-ish lines, on an open tarmac, and no one gets hit.
- And don’t give me any of that bullshit about the Force.
- At a certain point, one has to call the Empire’s competence into question.
- Killing a person standing in the middle of what is essentially a parking lot should be doable by a military.
- Hell, leave the walkers on the Star Destroyer and just carpet bomb the area for a couple days.
- Or a machine gun.
- One United States Marine with a rifle and half-decent position could solve this problem for you; even if they had gotten the job done, the robot death elephants are overkill.
- Then there is more piano music, and it is very sad, and the pretty white girl is now wearing Tie-Fighter pilot armor, and if you want, you can go to YouTube and watch professional nerds discuss this fact for hours upon hours.
- She makes another serious face.
- Look:
- I sincerely hope that Felicity Jones can make more than one face.
I’ll watch this ten more times and tell you dumb jokes about it later, but for now: there is more Star Wars, now featuring space kung fu.
I just can’t with you anymore.
It was a mashup.
Yeah.
Movie plus a band plus a book.
I understood it. The premise was understandable.
I was working with time-old tropes, but I feel I subverted them.
How so?
I made the stuffed guitarist hump the spaceship. Very subversive.
…
zhhWOMPF
SCHNIFT
FEEeeeeeump.
Thumpity thumpity thumpity PLORP
…
Did you just cut off your own head with a lightsaber, and then your head rolled down a flight off stairs onto a linoleum floor?
Yes.
Where’d you get a lightsaber?
Same place you got a time machine.
You really can find anything in Little Aleppo.
“Jer? You still awake?”
“Sure, Bob.”
“Good movie, huh?”
“It was a blast. Gotta see that again.”
“What was your favorite part? I bet you liked the scene in the bar with all those crazy aliens.”
“I did, man! That was cool: cats from all over the galaxy having a drink together, listening to some music.”
“I think we played that place.”
“Yeah, man, yeah. The guy with the ass for a mouth was the manager.”
“Jer, do you think I look more like Luke or Hans?”
“Han.”
“Wha?”
“Han. Han Solo.”
“Not Hans Olo?”
“He wasn’t Danish.”
“Yeah, sure. Anyway: which one?”
“Which one had the butt-chin?”
“Luke.”
“You look like him.”
“Cool. We’re kinda like Han and Chewie, though, right?”
…
“Excuse me?”
“Well, you know, Jer: I’m a dashing rogue given to mischief and adventure, and you’re usually in the vicinity and hairy as fuck.”
“I’m going to sleep, Weir.”
“You don’t want to talk?”
“I did want to talk, but then you started talking, and now I don’t want to talk anymore.”
“Aw.”
“Why are we sharing a hotel room, anyway? It’s 1977.”
“Got me. Just go with it.”
…
…
…
“May the Force–”
“Shut the fuck up, Bob.”
“–be with you. Aw.”
- Two musical numbers might have been one too many.
- Han has a mustache throughout the film: they erased it for the trailer.
- One of the new, young stars of the film, Daisy Ridley, wears a pair of Beats by Dre headphones around her neck in several scenes.
- The film is three hours and thirty-five minutes long with an intermission.
- Roberto Benigni is in it.
- John Williams’ symphonic score replaced by Vangelis and a bunch of synthesizers.
- Also, over the end credits is a rap by Bobby Brown reiterating the plot of the film.
- “Try to battle General Leia? That’s not legal!” is one of the lines, if I recall correctly.
- Shot according to the Dogma 95 rules.
- After-credits scene setting up the Chewbacca solo movie, If It’s Tuesday, This Must Be Kashyyyk.
- This one’s about trade routes, too.
- About 45 minutes in, there’s an ad for Earl Bass RV and Trailer out on Rt 16, which is out of place with the rest of the movie.
- A lot more nudity than you might expect from a Star Wars film.
- Full-frontal, too: one guy had a visible half-chub.
- Also more blackface than I would have preferred.
- The Enterprise self-destructs.
- Plot centers around Han and Chewie’s race to get home for Life Day, and features musical performances from Diahann Carroll and Jefferson Starship.
- It is animated, about bunnies, and tremendously violent.
- Pss pss pss.
- I am being told that the bunny film is not Star Wars: The Force Awakens, but Watership Down.
- Now that I think about it: there were no bunnies–murderous or otherwise–in the new Star Wars picture.
- There is heroism.
- There is villainy.
- There’s a bunch of shit that makes little to no sense if given a moment’s thought.
- Captain Phasma? More like Captain Spazma.
…
…
…
So.
Yeah, huh.
You okay?
What do I do with my life now?
There’s another one coming out in two or three years.
I can’t wait that long: I will go and drink bleach now.
There’s some sort of spin-off movie about Rogue Squadron out next year.
NO. My life no longer has meaning since I saw the Stars go to War.
Playoffs are coming up.
Okay, I’ll live.
There’s my slugger.
Gonna see it again and you can’t stop me.
Wasn’t even gonna try.
…
It was Star Wars again.
That’s nice for Star Wars.
![[PDF] Star wars stealie. - The](http://thoughtsonthedead.com/wp-content/uploads/pdf-star-wars-stealie-the.jpg)
STAR WARS!
You saw your little space movie?
TOBACCO THE SPACE MONKEY!
Sure.
And people were related to other people.
Wouldn’t be Star Wars without that.
Magic swords, and spaceships, and sand planets, and aliens.
Oh, yeah.
Christopher Walken was intense.
Wait: Walken’s in it?
And DeNiro is spectacular.
Huh?
The Russian Roulette sequence was very intense.
…
You’re talking about The Deer Hunter. Did you see the right movie?
Was it about Vietnam?
Metaphorically?
No.
Goddammit.
Ah, I’m just pulling your italics. I saw the right movie. Wanna hear every single detail?
No. In fact, let’s declare this site a spoiler-free zone until, say, Monday.
Aw. What about spoilers for other movies?
Knock yourself out.
Apollo Creed’s son wins the fight. Or maybe he doesn’t. It’s a symbolic thing, probably.
Probably.
Also, John Mayer is now a Jedi.
You’re shitting me.
No. And you would not believe the faces he makes when he’s Force-soloing.
Dammit.
Eh, it’s not all bad.
Yeah, okay.
Right?
Got to be better than the last time we tried this.
May the Force be with us all…
© 2021 Thoughts On The Dead
Theme by Anders Noren — Up ↑
Recent Comments