Tag: star wars (Page 5 of 6)

• This is where the wheels come off.
• I had always defended Jedi, but I don’t know if I can anymore: it is an actively silly movie that flirts with insulting your intelligence.
• Star Wars and Empire were dumb; Jedi is stupid.
• It moves along at a clip, except for two scenes I’ll talk about, and there’s a lot of Star Wars jammed into the two hours and nine minutes: lightsabering (a green one!), and bantering, and the power of friendship, and Wookiees. Don’t get me wrong: this film is light years (no pun, etc.) ahead of the Prequels, if only in basic filmmaking competence, but it doesn’t stand with the first two films of the OT (Only Trilogy).
• I keep getting distracted by bullshit like the technical logistics of puppetry, so I took notes this time; this might actually go in order.
• Who knows, though?
• “Basic” is the lingua franca of the SWU: it sounds like English, but it written in glyph-like symbols that look like the only instructions were “Make it look real spacey.”
• In a universe full of silly bullshit, the unnecessary sentience granted Jabba’s front door might be the silliest.
• You are creating problems for yourself when you let your security system think for itself, even if it is a cool and scary metal eyeball.
• On the topic of unnecessary sentience: Artoo is an astromech, which means his main function is helping ship computers navigate; Threepio, as he will remind you, is a translator.
• My phone does those things, and it doesn’t have its own agenda; computers can perform astoundingly complex tasks without the ability to reflect on their own actions.
• Because our culture has collectively lost the capacity for shame, a life-size Han Solo in Carbonite is available for purchase, and if you buy it, I hope it falls on you.
• As I mentioned, I have the 2004 DVDs, and this so-called “Jedi Rocks” sequence that replaces the already-cheesy muppet band with a shiny CG horror waving its uvula at you like a testicular punching bag, and Boba (I can’t wait to stop writing about that under-achiever) flirting with alien girls.
• Except for Nichelle Nichols, if you are a black lady in space, your ass will be painted green.
• If if talk about how dumb the overall “plan” to get Han back was, or how slapsticky and winky the shot of Leia sneaking through the sleeping monsters while making more noise than a rusty AT-AT was, then my brain will shoot out of my left eye socket and begin to materially support ISIS.
• So, please don’t make me.
• Anyway, Leia gets caught and bikinified and it’s very famous, of course, and brings up two questions.
• 1. Why does Jabba like human women?
• 2. Can anyone really blame Carrie Fisher for getting high?
• There is now wackiness, and assorted teenage rebellion, and Boba Fett gets eaten by the sand-vagina, and the only shot in which Lando’s process is out of place, and jumping, and more jumping, and then yet again more jumping.
• Aliens are kicked.
• Then, in a shot you could call homage or the first shovel of dirt in what would be a miles-long strip mine of all the imagery from the first film, Luke and Leia swing from Jabba’s Barge to the skiff.
• We are not told what the rope is attached to.
• Then everything blows up.
• Maybe what makes Jedi a different film than the first two is the structure: both Star Wars and Empire had much larger second acts than Jedi. SW‘s second act is the Death Star sequence, and Empire‘s is Dagobah intercut with Han and Leia on Cloud City. (The third act also takes place in Cloud City, obviously: it starts when Luke gets there.)
• Both third acts, too, are fairly short: the Death Star assault is less than fifteen minutes, but Jedi has an extended third act that runs for 40 or 50 minutes  and cuts among three different locations.
• It is–no doubt–edited masterfully, but there’s a lot of shit going on for a long time.
• So: the whole second act is Luke is Luke being fucked with by Yoda and Obi-Wan, and I have lost my patience for Obi-Wan’s sketchy foolishness.
• That man is slippery.
• Even after Yoda tells Luke that he has a sister, Obi-Wan dicks around and plays the “search your feelings” game with Luke instead of being a straight-up guy about things.
• “Obi-Wan, is it true? Do I have a sister?”
• “Yes, Luke.”
• “Who is she?”
• “Search your feelings, Luke.”
• …
• “Mon Mothma! Mon Mothma is my sister!”
• “Who?”
• “Mon Mothma. You don’t know her. She’s in the next scene.”
• And so on.
• (Speaking of Mon Mothma, when she delivers her destined-for-memetic-glory line about the Bothan spies dying, she gives a spectacular SO SAD take.)
• By this point, the Emperor has arrived on the new Death Star and all the troops are lined up to greet him and Vader and Imperial officer kneel before him: this Emperor fellow must be important, we think, and then he and Vader walk out, and as they walk out, the Emperor begins cackling, loudly and evilly.
• This laugh could not be mistaken for jocularity.
• Or delight.
• Evil cackle.
• “Sarge?”
• “Yeah, Jenkins?”
• “Who was that guy with Vader?”
• “You kidding me? That was the Emperor!”
• “That’s our boss?”
• “Yes.”
• “The evil wizard with a face like a raisin’s testicle?”
• “You should whisper, but: yes.”
• …
• “Jenkins, did you not know our organization was headed by evil wizards?”
• “No, I knew, but when you see it right in front of you like that, it’s different.”
• “Sure.”
• “I mean: that laugh was downright unsettling.”
• “It did maybe seem like he was laughing at something other than what, say, you or I might laugh at.”
• “He wasn’t laughing at a joke, Sarge.”
• “No joke I wanna hear.”
• “Not to belabor my point about the laugh, but if you were to transcribe it, you would write ‘Mwah-hah-hah.'”
• “Palpatine gonna palpate, Jenkins. If you didn’t want serve an evil wizard, then why’d you join up?”
• “GI Bill. Need money for college.”
• “Good program, the Galactic Infantry Bill. An investment in society.”
• “You betcha.”
• “What are you going to study?”
• “I wanna be a vetrinarian, Sarge.”
• “Yeah?”
• “Oh, yeah. Grew up on a nerf farm. Animals all day, every day. Nothing but. Love ’em.”
• “That’s nice, Jenkins. You’ll be good at it.”
• “Yeah? Thanks, Sarge.”
• “No fooling.”
• “Thanks.
• …
• “Sarge?”
• “Yeah, Jenkins?”
• “I love you.”
• “I know.”
• Meanwhile, back at the Rebel Fleet, Lando has somehow acquired a new cape.
• Two movies, two capes: this one is his General’s cape, because all of the main characters have been made generals and are also allowed to wear whatever the hell they want, even though the rest of the Rebel troops are in uniform.
• Han is wearing a utility vest when he gives the Falcon to Lando for the attack on the Death Star, and it is unclear what ship Lando was planning on piloting had Han not offered.
• This falls under the “questions better not asked” umbrella.
• The Star Warriors go down to Endor–which is variously and interchangeably referred to as the Forest Moon of Endor, or the Sanctuary Moon, or just plain Endor–to blow up the shield generator so Lando and some sort of catfish-person could fly into the Death Star and blow it up.
• Again.
• Endor is clearly the redwoods of Northern California, and this is because George Lucas had been to Norway and Tunisia (twice), and now wanted a short commute.
• Which brings us to the Ewoks.
• Ralph McQuarrie, the designer who first drew almost everything that makes up the Star Wars visual universe, refused to have anything to do with them, and the crew openly mocked them on the set.
• Are they an inherently flawed conception, or is it the ludicrous “Teddy bears defeat the Nazis” storyline they’re saddled with that ruins them?
• Maybe it was the design: flat, black eyes that didn’t blink.
• Sure, Chewbacca is silly, but Peter Mayhew’s soulful blue eyes sold the character as a living being.
• These things looked like the teddy bear you weren’t quite sure about as a kid.
• The one you turned to face the wall every once in a while.
• Their motivation to join the Rebel’s cause is also played fast and loose: Threepio tells a story, so they decide to hurl themeselves at Imperial troops?
• Unlike the plot hole of Luke being handed an X-Wing on his first day (which must for sanity’s sake be ignored), this can be fixed by having the chief Ewok tell our heroes a story about the Ewok villages the Empire had destroyed, blah blah blah.
• Supposedly, the Ewoks were originally Wookiees and you could have gotten into the backstory of the Empire enslaving them; that would have been a satisfying story, but maybe it’s just easier to find midgets than it is to find giants.
• Thus, Ewoks.
• Before Luke goes and whines at his daddy, he and Leia go to the old Tom Sawyer village from Disney World and actor at one another.
• The only way to describe it is “actoring.”
• There are dramatic turns away from each other, and shaken heads, and pauses–OH, THE PAUSES–that let you know that there is some high-quality actoring going on.
• In Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher’s defense, there was also quite a bit of writering going on in that exchange.
• Princess Leia is also now wearing some sort of peasant outfit that looks like she is picking her children up from a Marin County elementary.
• It is best not to think about where she got these clothes, as she did not have any with her when she fell off her ‘speeder.
• It is also best not to think about who did her hair.
• Did an Ewok do your hair, Princess Leia?
• They have stubby little fingers and tried to eat your friends.
• Why would you let an Ewok do your hair, Princess Leia?
• Anyway, Luke finds Vader and they go to the Death Star and Han and the rest of them join forces with teddy bears and attack the shield generator.
• They are greatly aided in this mission by the fact that the Empire is terrible at being a military.
• The Rebels just walked up to the front door of the shield generator; I don’t know much about military tactics, but I would imagine that you try to stop an enemy slightly before the actual front door.
• A wall would be perfect for this situation: sure, it’s low-tech, but it’s surprisingly effective.
• You’ve got lumber.
• Luke and Darth and the Emperor actor at each other for a while and then Luke and Darth are like ZHWIM! and SHWAMPF! and whatnot and then Luke goes all gander on Vader’s goose–hand-wise–but Luke is all “No, I won’t be bad for you, I’m a good guy and I’m blond,” and then the Emperor Force-lightnings him.
• When the Emperor shoots Force-lightning, he sticks his pinky out, because he’s classy.
• This fight is taking place in the Emperor’s Throne Room, which is all blues and blacks and metal railings.
• “Emperor, what are you thinking for the Throne Room?”
• “Well, I will be having a final showdown there.”
• “So, dramatic?”
• “Oh, very. Very dramatic. Make it the most dramatic room anyone’s ever seen! Mwah-hah-hah!”
• …
• “Oh, and put it right next to an exposed reactor shaft.”
• Han, Leia, and Chewie blow up the shield generator, Luke and his father have a moment, and Lando and Skippy Joe blow up the Death Star.
• Again.
• And we’ll skip all the elsewhere-voiced thoughts about how the Death Star’s debris would cause a holocaust on Endor, and that replacing Yub Yub with some soft rock bullshit was another terrible decision by George Lucas, as was substituting Hayden Christianson for Sebastian Shaw as Vader’s Force-ghost.
• And we’ll ignore the fact that the humans who previously wore the helmets the Ewok plays as drums were probably eaten by that same Ewok.
• And close with one observation: Luke honors his father by putting him in a funeral pyre.
• Wouldn’t the Darth Vader suit be fireproof?
• Because I think Darth Vader would have had them make his suit fireproof.
• It seems like something he would demand, given his history and all.
• It’s almost like they were all just making up children’s stories as they went.

Better ending for Star Wars: Vader, having stabilized his TIE fighter, flies down the Rebel base on Yavin IV, calmly parks out front, takes out his lightsaber, and goes ham on that ancient temple/mission control.

Completely out of patience for anyone’s bullshit and storming through the hangar: WHANG! SCHWAAX! Using the Force to hurl engines at people, and then using the Force to hurl people at engines: having a Sith ol’ time. Murdering Rebels like they were younglings. Attack Darth Vader? You get murdered? Run away? He would also murder you. Hide? Murdered.

Because–and remember, we only have the information from the first film to on, and so do the characters–Vader doesn’t know that Luke is his son, or that Leia is his daughter, or that he’s secretly a terrible actor: all Vader is at this moment is a religious nut with super-powers and a magic sword. Also, anger management issues.

And let’s not forget: Vader lived on the Death Star. It’s where he kept his stuff. If someone blew up your house, you’d be angry.

Darth Vader is seismically furious and winging droids at the speed of sound into crowds of Rebels. Remember the guy on the platform with the space-spear? Well, the space-spear is now in stuck in his face and Vader did not use the Force for that: he climbed up there and did it with his bare robot hands.

Luke and Artoo, Han and Chewie, and what’s left of the Rebel Fleet has been warned not to come back and they take off for Tatooine; Han to pay off Jabba, and Luke to use his new Force abilities to kick that Walrus-looking fucker at the bar’s ass.

Sure, it’s a darker ending, especially the part I didn’t tell you about where Vader corners Princess Leia and does weird power stuff to her for a while, but I think maybe for the next re-release, we should think about it.

• There is not much to this film.
• Frodo, Gandalf, and Aragorn save Rapunzel from Dr. Doom, and then blow up Witch Mountain.
• Tobacco the Space Monkey co-stars.
• One of my favorite themes is the inability to see anything for the first time again, and Star Wars is a better example than the Dead: years of nostalgia, revisionist nonsense, and of course the dreaded Prequels stick to the simple story like burrs on a sweater.
• Rewatching Star Wars–again: none of this Episode IV bullshit, for reasons I’m about to get into–makes it painfully clear that George Lucas was making it all up as he went: in the reality of the first movie, Darth Vader and Anakin Skywalker were different people, Luke and Leia were not brother and sister, and Vader was not the most important guy in the galaxy.
• Vader gets scolded.
• In the meeting scene, he only stops Force-choking the guy because Tarkin tells him to knock it off.
• Tarkin refers to it as “bickering,” which is only slightly less demeaning than “horseplay.”
• “Hey, guys: knock it off with the grabass, huh?”
• He’s the muscle, not Space Jesus.
• There is also absolutely no way to square what Obi-Wan Kenobi says in the first film to what is revealed in the second and third, let alone the Prequels.
• When he says that “point of view” bullshit in Jedi, the point of view he is referring to is that of a man who did not realize how much money he was about to make.
• Lucas also did not know Luke and Leia were twins, hence the scene between Han and Luke where they argue about which one of them gets to bone her.
• Ah, you’ll say: Luke didn’t know he was Leia’s brother, so it would have been natural for a young man to be attracted to a princess in a moo-moo.
• Yes, but I’ll remind you: these aren’t actual people. Someone wrote a story, and if you have two characters that discover they’re related in a story, then you don’t make them tongue-kiss in the first act.
• Unless that’s the whole story.
• You don’t have just a little bit of incest: either it’s all about incest, or there’s no incest at all.
• In Luke’s defense: Leia is the only woman in the galaxy who is not his aunt.
• Even a farmboy’s got needs.
• I have the 2004 Special Edition DVD version and it is jammed full with all of that bearded twit’s OCD bullshit: there are ronto lizards and womp rats; it’s the special effects version of when Pizza Hut figured out they could jam cheese into shit.
• Things were done just because they could be.
• The final space battle is actually improved by the CG, but every other decision that is not cleaning up cheap-looking shots is a poor one.
• Two entire scenes are added back in: Jabba threatening Han on Tatooine, and Luke talking to Biggs before the Death Star assault.
• In fact, these two scenes may be pieces of evidence A and B in the case against George Lucas as a filmmaker, and they existed before the Prequels; they were added in ’97 for the re-releases.
• The Biggs scene is a more minor error, but perhaps more telling.
• The two old friends hug under an X-Wing, and then a space-sargeant asks whether Luke is ready for this; Biggs vouches for Luke’s skill.
• I often lambast movies for neglecting the “nuke it from orbit” line.
• In Aliens, the Space Marines ask why they can’t take off and destroy the xenomorph-infested facility from the safety of the ship, and Burke tells them the Company won’t authorize the nukes and he doesn’t have the authority to launch them.
• You can handwave some things away with a good line, but some other plot holes need to be ignored, i.e. the fact that Luke has been given the equivalent of an F-16 with absolutely no training.
• How long has he even been in the Rebellion?
• He probably doesn’t even know everybody’s name yet, and they give him a jet fighter and a helmet and an encouraging slap on the ass.
• “Biggs says you’re a crack shot, and that’s good enough for us. You start it with that button and you launch the missiles with this one. Go get ’em, tiger.”
• A movie that tells its story through symbols, design, action, and music should not have scenes explaining things, especially when the things they are explaining are inexplicable.
• Just strap the pretty kid in the fast car and it’s time for the third act: I, as a viewer, am fine with that.
• Speaking of: Mark Hamill was a pretty little man in 1977 and gives credence to what I have termed the Bobby Hypothesis, which is that the physically attractive can make almost any clothing look good.
• Shlubs have to be careful, but if you looked like Luke, you could pull off the tunic-and-beige-leggings look.
• Back to the added scenes: the first one is the Jabba scene, and everything about it is the worst thing about it – the idea, the execution, the inclusion, the fan service.
• Star Wars fans have known about this scene forever: Lucas filmed it with a big fat Scottish guy in a furry vest and figured he’d pop in a creature later.
• He did.
• The idea is bad because the scene is virtually line-for-line with the previous scene with Han and Greedo, and I am not going to talk about the thing you think I am going to talk about, because when I talk about that thing, I black out for a little while and wake up covered in blood and feathers.
• The execution is shoddy: this was released in 2004–after the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy had been released, which featured a photorealistic Gollum.
• Remember how good Gollum looked?
• Now look at this:
• 
• Look at that bullshit.
• Look at that bullshit right there.
• I could not tell you which one was “better” of the two: they both look like pre-loaded characters in Star Wars movie-maker software for children.
• Like, you pick your characters and your setting, and then type in the dialogue, and the computer makes a little movie for you.
• Neither of them look like professional, plus there’s this dumb bit: in the original blocking, Han walks behind the guy in the vest, so now he walks behind Jabba and steps on his tail and Jabba goes “WAAAAGH!” and bugs out his eyes.
• Which slightly reduces him as a villain, dontcha think?
• Like I said: this is Exhibit A in the Case against George Lucas.
• He has been trying to jam this scene–this scene that serves no purpose and has always looked like shit–into this movie since 1977, and the second he was free of anyone with the ability to say “no” to him, he got his way.
• Lots of people have a hand in the original Star Wars, among them Brian DePalma, who worked on the edit without credit. Did he cut this? Did Alan Ladd, Jr., the 20th Century exec and Hollywood big-shot who championed the film, demand it gone?
• Who knows?
• What we do know is that in 1997, Brian DePalma was in movie jail, Laddy was dead, and George Lucas was a billionaire, and therefore right.
• So, Han and Cartoon Jabba discuss the fact that Han owes money and dumps his freight, yadda yadda, and then the scene is over and the players exeunt and HEY! it’s Boba Fett and as he’s leaving, he pauses to–I swear–look at the camera and wink.
• You can’t see it because of the helmet, but he is winking.
• Here, watch:
• Ugh.
• Anyway, if film is a visual medium, then Star Wars is a masterpiece in that it can be perfectly understood without the dialogue, although to remove John Williams’ score would be to ruin the film.
• Plus there were really cool sound effects.
• And some of the lines were memorable.
• Forget what I said.
• Go watch Star Wars.
• Tomorrow: The Empire Strikes Back.

To Do:

1. Locate DVD player.
2. Attempt to connect DVD player to television.
3. Yell at technology.
4. Pout.
5. Become distracted by other, working, technology.
6. Instagram.
7. Twitter.
8. Oh, right: movie.
9. Re-attempt DVD hookup.
10. Locate remote control.
11. Locate batteries.
12. Become distracted by food and/or various pornographies.
13. Bathroom time.
14. Watch Star Wars.

Wookiee vs. Wampa Wampa has about two feet and five hundred pounds on your average Wookiee, but doesn’t understand how to work a ranged weapon or call in an air strike. Point: Wookiee. Also, Wookiee have retractable claws and are capable of blind rages in which they get superhuman (superwookiee) strength. Plus, Wookiees all train in the martial art indigenous to their species, Ma’shk’rr (which is like Krav Maga, but even hairier). Winner: Chewie.

Darth Maul vs. Darth Vader Again, this comes down to tactics. I have to believe that Vader senses that Maul is going to attack him, like, days before it happens and then Vader has the Imperial Navy scour the planet Maul is on.

Boba Fett vs. Iron Man You’re kidding, right? Iron Man is an Avenger; Boba got eaten by a sand-vagina. Boba Fett didn’t even technically catch Han and the gang: he just stood there while Darth Vader did and–judging by his record–it was the right decision. If Boba had tried to capture the Rebels, then he would have putzed it up and Threepio would have accidentally knocked him over the railing of Cloud City.

Boba Fett isn’t half the bounty hunter that Dog the Bounty Hunter is. Boba is a complete bozo. Fuck Boba Fett. Winner: Iron Man.

Han Solo or Captain Kirk Again: you’re kidding, right? Han was a scoundrel and a rogue and never got fat. Chewie was a better sidekick than Spock, and the only time Kirk had a uniform as cool as Han’s original vest, striped pants, and boots was in Khan, with that maroon turtleneck/flappy tunic thing.

Another point in Han’s favor is that–while he may have gotten into many fights with aliens through his smuggling career–none of them were filmed, and probably didn’t look like this:

That shit’s just embarrassing. No way for a captain to behave.

Now, Captain Kirk was Denny Crane on Boston Legal for a while, and that was a wonderful program, but it’s not enough. Winner: Han Solo.

Ewoks vs. Tribbles Ewoks would use the Tribbles as Fleshlights. Winner: Ewoks.

Lightsaber vs. Blaster This question is a trick, as the answer is entirely dependent on whether or not you’re a Jedi. Non-Jedis who use lightsabers die very quickly, as only Jedi have the reflexes and Force-sight to deflect blaster shots, so basically you’re standing there with a very hot bat while everyone else has guns. Bad tactical decision. Winner: Give me a blaster any day.

Millennium Falcon vs. Serenity Another trick question: Han and Chewie have known Captain Reynolds and crew for years. Han and Mal have a semi-adversarial relationship, but have each others’ backs when the chips are down. Chewie, on the other hand, has nothing but love for the Serenity‘s occupants except for River, from whom he hides like a big chicken.

Luke Skywalker vs. Serena Williams Well, if it’s in tennis, then Serena is going to win. If they fight, though, Luke would just chop her in half with his lightsaber. This one’s kind of dumb, honestly.

Bib Fortuna vs. Alfred Pennyworth The butler wins in one round: Wayne Manor was a much nicer place than Jabba’s Pleasure Barge. Sure, the Batcave was dank, but it was tidy and there weren’t monsters sleeping on the floor. Also, Alfred works for Batman, while Bib Fortuna works for a giant crime-testicle.

Speaking of Batman, I am reasonably sure that at least once during Batman’s 70-year existence, Alfred has donned the cape and cowl and fought crime as the Dark Knight. Bib Fortuna has never even heard of Batman, let alone been him. Winner: Alfred.

Uncle Own and Aunt Beru vs. Uncle Ben and Aunt May Aunt May wins by default on account of being the only one not murdered to give the hero an Inciting Incident. I’d like to give it to Luke’s family because I’ve only had to sit through that story once, while every single human being who gets control of the Spider-Man franchise in every single medium he appears feels the need to tell me the story about Uncle Ben and the robber and Great Power and blah blah blah a million different times. Aunt May is not smoldering on her front lawn, though, so she wins.

Yoda vs. Miss Piggy They would fuck. They would fuck hard. Winner: Everyone.

Emperor Palpatine vs. A Baked Potato Emperor’d eat that shit right up: Emperor loves baked potatoes. Winner: Palpatine.

Hoth vs. Tatooine Depends. Do you wanna ski?

Yes Then, Hoth.

What if I wanted get a tan? Tatooine should be your destination.

Makes sense Sure.

This one may or may not turn into another tale of a lonely child and his imagination, so let’s get the stuff that never got made into toys out of the way.

This is Home-1, the flagship of the Mon Calamari, who were famously led by Admiral Ackbar. Its curves and bulges stand in opposition to the sharp Star Destroyers, but doesn’t have much else to offer. Also, after you look at it for a minute, you realize it’s just a tube with a bunch of model boat hulls stuck on it.

The Mon Calamari (who were undoubtedly named by George Lucas after eating seafood) were some sort of amphibian people and, like the design of their ships, their very presence stood in opposition to the Empire, which was fiercely human-only.The blue one on the left is Home One and that’s another Mon Cal cruiser on the right. Their species–renowned in all the galaxy for their shipbuilding skills–bristled under Imperial rule after Darth Vader blew up a couple of their floating cities and signed up with the rebellion. Which brings up a question.

We’re all for diversity at TotD, and that the Rebellion was a shared effort of many species was admirable and an easy shorthand for its inherent righteousness, but wouldn’t multiple species sharing a spaceship be tough? Just in a plumbing sense: Admiral Ackbar was a lobster man. Who the hell knows what kind of bathroom he needs.

Toys were never made of these ships because: A, they were enormous capital ships and would be too expensive for a ship with such limited appeal; and B, no kid wanted to pretend to be Admiral Ackbar and his army of fish people.

“I get to be Han!”

“I’m Luke!”

“I’m a squid-type deal. My people are renowned in all the galaxy for their shipbuilding skills. And I am named generally after lunch, or specifically after some Muslim shit George Lucas heard one time.”

…

“I don’t want to play with you anymore.”

“You’re weird.”

“Yeah. Mommy drinks.”

You can see another ship from Jedi that never got a toy in that shot: the Nebulon-B.

Used to iconic effect as a hospital ship in the closing shots of Empire, this frigate was pressed into military service during the Battle of Endor, and is one of the only asymmetrical ships in the SWU; it also looks the spaciest: that thing couldn’t survive an atmosphere and must have been built in an orbital dock somewhere. There was no toy because that toy could not be made by humans for less than a thousand bucks that a kid wouldn’t break instantly. That thing would break in the box. No toy.

The coelacanth on the right is a Rebel transport ship; it did get a toy and it might have been the shittiest thing produced in the whole line:

This whole picture is a lie. Those cheap zip-ties? They were “backpacks” or somesuch accessory and even had you wanted them (you didn’t; they sucked), they would get lost the first day. Plus, no kid had that many fucking snow troopers. It was only the kids in the commercials and on the box that had, like, squadrons of Stormtroopers. The rest of us had one Stormtrooper and just pretended. We were happy to have one and to not have lost its blaster. They could have included some extra blasters: no, bullshit backpacks.

Furthermore, how is that prisoner being handled? Why wasn’t he shackled before he got on board? Have you even checked him for bombs? Jesus, man: the Princess is right there.

Finally: why is Chewbacca in charge of anything? Does he have a rank? Hasn’t someone been trained for this job, or do we always go with a “let the Wookie figure it out” approach when it comes to defending out troop transports?

The last–and most famous–ship to not receive a toy back in the day was the Tantive IV, which is a Corellian Corvette. I knew that without looking it up and am writing about it for free at 1:30 in the morning.

…

You okay, champ?

Gotta get a second wind after that one.

Sure.

Anyway, even though some big scenes take place on the ship, she was too big to make with the 3.75″ scale figures and was relegated to models and figurines for your desk: strictly second-string.

(I have also now arbitrarily decided that “Rebel ships” and “personal ships owned by people allied with the Rebels” are two different things and also I forgot Slave One, so all personal ships get discussed later, or maybe not. Who can tell the future?)

The Empire had much better capital ships than the Rebels, but the scrappy Orange Suits won the day with their fighters, which were varied and beat-up and stuck together with scavenged panels and circuits. They all (eventually) got toys because they were awesome and awesome things get to be toys.

Muhammad Ali is awesome: he was made into many toys. Garcia, too. Also a toy. I rest my case.

This is the A-Wing, which is clearly the cockpit of a Y-Wing they had left over and painted. A pilot who looked like Tim Blake Nelson crashed one into a Star Destroyer and killed it. Other than that, there’s not much to recommend the A-Wing. It’s like a SmartCar with proton torpedos.

The B-Wing isn’t seen much in Jedi‘s final space battle, mostly because they couldn’t get the wings to film right, but the mutant fighter might be the most Star Wars of all the fleet: completely impractical, needlessly complicated, but designed and executed in a way that made it feel like a real object. The cockpit was a gyroscope and the wings opened and closed for landing and shooting and they were supposedly so complicated that only a Sullustan (the species Lando’s co-pilot for the Death Star attack belonged to) could pilot them.

They are named B-Wings because Lucas wanted to stick with the letter theme set by the X and Y, so he sat at his desk for a moment going through the alphabet until he go to B and said, “B-Wing. It’s called a B-Wing.” And so it was.

The Y-Wing was the workhorse of the Rebel Fleet. It was a space-A10 Thunderbolt: not as maneuverable as the X, but she could take a beating and at least it wasn’t an A-Wing.

“Hey! What you got against A-Wings?”

Who are you?

“An A-Wing pilot!”

How’d you get in here?

“Never mind that.”

Shoo, shoo.

The Y was the Bobby to the X’s Garcia. The Rocky to the X’s Apollo Creed. The Jackie Chan to the X’s Chris Tucker, or perhaps his Owen Wilson: that one’s up to you.

The toy was excellent, and surpassed the X-Wing in that you could insert your R2 figure into the slot, instead of a button being painted like R2. I did not own the Y-Wing, but my friend Phil Dornfeld did; I hated him deeply for this.

I love that the photographers had no idea or interest in what they were shooting, just getting the lighting right.

“Who’s the hermit crab? Admiral Abbadabba? Great, he’s the pilot, jam him in there, who gives a shit?”

Lando is also a dracula and standing in the wrong place. I don’t know a lot about spaceships and spaceship engines, but feel secure in saying that Lando should not be standing there.

Finally, the Bitchin’ Camaro of the SWU:

The T-65 from the Incom Corporation was the star of the show, for both the fictional fleet and the actual movie. They were fast and tumescent and you got to take your droid buddy along with you: it was the space version of a motorcycle with a sidecar for your dog. The ships were also capable of locking their S-foils in attack position, which seems a tactical blunder: keep the S-foils in non-attack position. Then, your opponent will think he’s not going to be attacked, and let down his guard. And then you can attack him.

The only way X-Wings could be cooler would be if Steve McQueen owned one, or James Dean died in one. Check this out.

LOOK AT THEM. FINGER YOUR NERD BONER AND LOOK AT THEM.

This was the best toy of all, even better than the Falcon, in my estimation. The Falcon was too big and heavy to swoop around the house for very long, but the X-Wing would fly all day. You would press Artoo’s (annoyingly attached) head and the wings would separate with a KLack! and there was a button to make laser sounds, with a light that lit up. The cockpit glass opened up to let you put Luke in. I suppose you could put someone else in that seat, but not me. That was Luke’s ship.

The best toy of all.

When the stickers began to peel up, your mother would glue them back down with spirit gum and she would fly as good as new.

There is (I don’t know if you’ve heard) going to be a new Star War. Very violent place, the stars, and thus the need for all sorts of warships and giant destroyers and mega-sized weapons of doom and so forth. People had galaxies to rule, and others had Empires to overthrow: people were busy and for their chores they needed transport. How else could British people commit genocide and be defeated by the spirit of California (as represented by a blond guy and the daughter of movie stars)?

The ships–from the big military stuff to the speeders–were the stars of Star Wars just as much as the actors: we cheered Han and Chewie’s return in the trailer, but also the Falcon’s. There is well-chosen symbolism in the crashed husk of the Star Destroyer that Rey will explore in the new film: not the site of a battle, or a long-lost account of the Galactic Civil War, but one of the iconic wedges of evil pie that first roared overhead almost forty years ago.

I’ve long preached the genius and importance of a guy named Ralph McQuarrie in the Star Wars legend: he designed everything, or so I thought. While McQuarrie did all the costumes and sets and locations and aliens and whatnot, the original design of most of the ships from the OT (Only Trilogy) were done by a guy named Colin Cantwell; go read about him here (and see some cool early-version photos of the X-Wing, Y-Wing, and Death Star, among others).

So, because I feel like it: Thoughts on Star Wars Vehicles. We start with the bad guys and for those of you grousing about how this isn’t about the Dead, then you can join me in listening to 4/2/90 from the Omni in Atlanta, which was released as part of the Spring ’90 set, but is available for free in an acceptable sounding version on the Archive.

(Note: I am not counting animals conscripted into service as vehicles, because the idea of anyone who lived in a universe with repulsorlift technology and–seemingly–free energy hopping on the back of a wild beast is ludicrous. There wasn’t one ship Han could have taken to look for Luke on Hoth? He had to saddle up the space-horse?

Please stop ranting.

Oh, there will be ranting. Don’t interrupt me when I’m in parentheses: that’s my private time.

Listen: no rants, no rambling, and no weird theories.

Endor is actually Middle-Earth of millions of years ago and the Ewoks evolve into Hobbits.

No. Just talk about the ships.

I just don’t understand why you’d ride a giant space-lizard when you belong to a society that has mastered gravity.

Stop it.

Plus: what the fuck kind of lizard allows itself to be ridden? You tried getting on a dewback, that fucker would eat you right up.

…

Please be as normal as possible.

Fine.

And end the aside.

Fine, but there will also not be any discussion of the Death Star because–while it holds people and moves and is therefore a vehicle–something as goofy as the Death Star(s) deserves its own post.)

Starting with the granddaddy of ’em all, the classic Star Destroyer. Mean-looking as a drunken stepfather, they looked like WW II battleships dropped from a moderate height: squashed and grey and cruel and all bristly with doodads and laser beams and zappity guns. Plus the bridge, with the twin water towers, which were added to the model well before anyone tried to explain what they actually did. Were they communications? Space radar? Why put two spherical ones right next to each other? Put one on top and one on the bottom.

(Already we have come to what for some might be an intractable problem with being a Star Wars fan over the age of seven: none of this bullshit makes a lick of sense. It is a cool-looking morality play for children that did not have a science advisor on the set. Things look the way they do because they looked good onscreen and were symbolically straightforward.

Any fictional universe that relies on the supernatural falls apart with enough scrutiny, but the SWU shatters the second you look at it. Luckily, as Enthusiasts, we can happily allow our love and skepticism to coexist about something if it provides us enough joy.)

Star Destroyers were made by the thousands and were the Imperial Navy’s answer to the aircraft carrier: they carried squadrons of TIE fighters and AT-AT walkers, plus battalions of troops. You’d park a few in orbit above a misbehaving planet, bombard the surface with turbolasers, then drop the walkers on the poor suckers underneath.

The ships required a crew of hundreds and therefore must have included a cafeteria and places to exercise and relax. Traditionally in the Imperial Navy, Thursday is movie night, and it’s Captain’s Choice. No one was more thrilled than Captain Ozzel’s crew when he got choked: all he would play were romantic comedies and everyone was quite sick of Kate Hudson.

“I had an idea for the Star Destroyer for the new movie.”

“Yes, George?”

“We should make it bigger.”

“How much bigger?”

…

“Much bigger?”

“I’ll call ILM.”

Only seen in Return of the Jedi, this fan-favorite Lambda Shuttle sticks to the basic triangle motif that Lucas and the designers assigned the Empire. It also features another completely useless function: those wings do nothing. Sure, the shuttle goes into atmosphere, but so does the Falcon and TIE fighters and all other sorts of shit without wings.

The possibility does exist that the Empire knew this and just thought it looked bitchin’, or that the shipbuilders were Alliance supporters and deliberately made a ship that was costly and worked poorly to bleed the Empire dry.

James Cameron straight-up stole this ship for Aliens. Just saying.

Also, we are apparently going backwards, so let’s stay on Endor and remember this idiotic thing:

Yes, the All-Terrain Scout Transport (AT-ST) was in a handful of shots in Empire, most people remember it from the ruthless beating it took in Jedi, smashed between logs when it accidentally wandered into a Chuck Jones cartoon, or invaded by death-koalas who–we must assume–later ate the troopers inside.

In this case, though, the AT-ST is the Vince of the situation: no, it didn’t do a very good job, but it wasn’t the right job to be doing. Snow? Sure: take the thing with the giant, flat feet. A forest? YOU HAVE SPEEDERS. Put some damn armor on a speeder. Hell, use a horse: don’t bring this thing into the forest.

I show the toy because it was one of my favorites: all the guns swiveled and so did the head, which would fit either two stormtroopers OR Chewbacca and two Ewoks just like in the movie. You had to put the Ewoks in first and then kinda jam Chewie in there, but that was okay because there was a hatch–again: just like in the movie–for him to stick his head out of.

PLUS, the AT-ST toy did something, which will also be a theme: all the good Star Wars toys did something. Some made noise, and others had clever little parts, but the folks at Kenner (the original, long-time makers of SWU toys) always added something extra that made it better than a regular toy: it was a Star Wars Toy.

Star Wars Toys had their own chest.

Anyway, the AT-ST walked. On the back of its head was a button that made the legs go up and down, and whenever I became agitated as a child, I would press that button and watch the legs go up and down for hours.

That actually explains quite a bit.

It was soothing.

Get on with things.

Kenner did make some duds, though, including this:

This isn’t an original one, but it’s the same idea. “Explodes and ejects rider” means “you will lose a piece of this within minutes of opening the box.”

I do enjoy how the designer of the helmet thought that regular Stormtrooper helmets provided the wearer with too much peripheral vision, and then rectified the problem.

Speaking of toys, the AT-AT Walker I received for Christmas of 1981 confirmed that my parents loved me and still remains the high point of my life. That and Game 6 of the ’86 World Series.  Everything moved: the heavy legs clicked into whatever position the Battle of Tanglewood Drive required that day, and the head swung open so you could sit your AT-AT Driver and Officer (action figures sold separately) in place, plus that flap on the side opened to reveal the head was controlled by a joystick and you could swivel the head and look up at the Snowspeeders coming towards you and–AND–when you pressed a button, the light-up laser cannons under the chin would make noises and glow orange.

And it was massive. Here it is with a dog:

It is at this point that I realize the reason that this has become more about the toys than the in-universe vehicles is that I just had a debate with myself about “Well, maybe the Rebels had some sort of jamming field that disabled repulsor-lift technology and that’s why the Empire had to use Walkers,” and then I remembered, “But the Rebels were using Snowspeeders,” and then I thought, “I should throw myself off the balcony,” and then I did because any explanation–any one at all–to justify the use of these goofy things is revisionist nonsense: they looked cool. Pay no attention to the bearded man behind the plaid curtain.

 

The TIE Fighters are circles with things on the side that go up and down; X-Wings are long rectangles with things on the side that go perpendicularly. This is because Star Wars is a children’s movie. To consider this ship in any way other than aesthetic and dramatic is ridiculous: it is as aerodynamic as a D’Brickashaw Ferguson, but fragile.

But: it’s beautiful. Simple geometric shapes in the right proportions will take you far in any galaxy, plus they ShhhhWAAAAM’ed overhead with Ben Burtt’s incredible sound effects. (I think they used a lion’s roar for the TIE’s engines, mixed with other stuff.)

It was tough to compete with any child’s love of his X-Wing, but the TIE put up a challenge. Look:

That little handle raised and lowered the TIE Driver (action figure sold separately) and you could fling him out of the cockpit, plus that button behind him made a lovely laser noise when pushed. Also, the wings came popping off to simulate a crash, but they were a pain in the ass to get back on. (The production quality of high-volume plastic bullshit was not as high in the 70’s as it is now.)

There were many TIE Fighters. There was the TIE Interceptor.

It intercepted things.

In Empire, we saw a brief shot of the TIE Bomber dropping its payload on the asteroid the Falcon was hidden on, and it’s a very cool design:

Plus, it turned into a giant robot.

Which is a feature you would think the Empire would have taken greater advantage of. If it is a war–amongst the stars or down here on Earth–and there is a possibility of having giant robots, you seize that possibility.

“What’s the mission, Sarge?”

“Fly there, bomb the shit out of them, and then–when you run out of bombs–turn into a giant robot and kill the survivors one by one.”

“This is not what I signed up for.”

“Yes, it is. It’s the Galactic Empire. You knew what you were getting into, Jenkins. Our organization is run by evil wizards.

Darth Vader had his own TIE Fighter because how else could you tell who he was during the space battles?

Up next: the Rebels.

A long time away, ago, whatever.

“LEIA, WHY CAN’T YOU BE LIKE YOUR BROTHER? HE HAS FORGIVEN ME AND SEEN THE GOOD IN ME. WE HANG OUT NOW; WE’RE BROS.”

“Luke should stop talking to you. Your evil sentenced him to a childhood on that awful desert planet, and then you had the people who raised him killed.”

“I DID NOT ORDER THEIR DEATHS DIRECTLY.”

“Then you killed his newfound mentor in front of him.”

“YES.”

“And sliced off his hand.”

“ALSO YES.”

“And you two are ‘bros?'”

“HE HAS FORGIVEN ME, LEIA. WE ARE TOTALLY CHILL NOW.”

…

“Did you use the Jedi mind trick on Luke?”

“NO.”

“Did you use the Jedi mind trick on Luke?”

“YES.”

“You monster!”

“YOU’RE THE ONE WHO SAID HE WAS A DOOFUS.”

“That doesn’t make it okay to wave your fingers and make him forgive you for a lifetime of galactic oppression and genocide.”

“ALTERING HIS PERCEPTION THROUGH MY MASTERY OF THE FORCE IS ACCEPTABLE IF IT LEADS TO MY SON BEING BACK IN MY LIFE.”

“No! That’s the kind of ends-justifying-the-means thinking that led you to blow up a planet. Where’s this redemption you claim to seek, Vader? I don’t see the good in you like my brother.”

“I HAVE CHANGED. MY DEATH OF DARTH VADER WAS THE REBIRTH OF ANAKIN SKYWALKER, THE GOOD MAN WHO WAS THERE ALL ALONG. SINCE BECOMING A FORCE GHOST, I HAVEN’T KILLED ANYONE.”

“Could you?”

“COULD I WHAT?”

“You’re a force ghost. Could you even kill someone if you wanted to?”

“HUH. I HAVEN’T TRIED. MAYBE. CALL SOMEONE INTO THE ROOM.”

Get out.

A long time ago, and so on.

“FORGIVE ME, LEIA.”

“Absolutely not. You’re a monster and no last-minute hail mary pass at salvation will change that.”

“I THREW THE EMPEROR DOWN A HOLE. THAT SHOULD COUNT FOR SOMETHING.”

“It doesn’t.”

“I THREW HIM HARD, TOO. LIFTED HIM REAL HIGH AND HURLED HIM.”

“That changes nothing. We had the shield generator down; he would have died anyway.”

“BUT THEN SO WOULD HAVE YOUR BROTHER.”

“Who was only on that damned Death Star because you took him there in handcuffs! All of this is your fault!”

“FINE, LEIA. IF YOU WILL NOT FORGIVE ME, THEN GIVE IN TO YOUR ANGER. THE FORCE FLOWS IN YOU AND I WILL TEACH YOU THE WAYS OF THE DARK SIDE.”

“No!”

“YOU’D GET A LIGHTSABER.”

“I thought you were redeemed!”

“I JUST WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH MY KID.”

“That’s enough. Go hang out with the other dead Jedis.”

“NONE OF THEM ARE SPEAKING TO ME.”

“I cannot imagine why.”

“POSSIBLY BECAUSE OF THE ROLE I PLAYED IN MOST OF THEIR DEATHS.”

“I was being sarcastic. What about Obi-Wan Kenobi and Yoda?”

“YODA IS FINE IN SHORT BURSTS.”

…

“Agreed, yeah.”

“WE AGREE. YAY.”

“Don’t get used to it, Vader. And General Kenobi?”

“HE IS VERY PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE ABOUT THE WHOLE ‘I KILLED HIM’ THING.”

“Whereas I am upfront about my loathing. The only thing, Lord Vader, that I regret in our dealings is that I didn’t get to kill you myself. If I could, I would have thrown a chain round your evil neck and choked you like that Hutt I put down on Tatooine.”

“YOU WERE THE ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DEATH OF JABBA THE HUTT?”

“Yes.”

…

“DADDY IS SO PROUD.”

“Get out of my house.”

“MY LITTLE MURDERER.”

“Out!”