• I blame the great Jesse Jarnow for this.
  • And the shmedibles.
  • Let’s not overlook their part in all of this
  • Hey, Uncle Bobo!

  • He, like the rest of San Francisco, hated The Doors.
  • He went out of his way in his book to talk about what an unprofessional dick Jim Morrison was.
  • Val Kilmer has removed his shirt.
  • Credits aren’t even over.
  • He’s walking around Venice, and it’s deeply sixtified, and he’s rather hairy, and now he’s stalking Meg Ryan.
  • Val Kilmer climbs a tree to meet Meg Ryan in the movie, but I think he broke into her apartment in real life.
  • However much of an unprofessional dick you think Jim Morrison was, you’re undershooting it.
  • Imagine the worst colleague you’ve ever had, and then imagine him also whipping it out and pissing whenever  he wanted.
  • Jim used to do that a lot.
  • Had to piss?
  • He pissed.
  • Oh, wait, I was wrong.
  • He does break into Meg Ryan’s apartment.
  • She’s pretty cool with it.
  • You gotta look like Val Kilmer to get away with that kind of shit.
  • Paul Giamatti tries that, the cops get called.
  • No offense to Paul Giamatti.
  • The man’s like salt: he makes everything better.
  • But it’s so much easier to be exceptionally handsome.
  • Both Val Kilmer and Jim Morrison were, for a time, so handsome that the world allowed them to behave however they chose.
  • Both chose to be assholes.
  • Okay, hold on.
  • I’m gonna grill me my last cheese.
  • …
  • Damn, that cheese was well-grilled.
  • Good on me.
  • Lotta folks wanna go upmarket with their cheese choice.
  • Artisanal bread.
  • Those folks’ll hang from the lampposts when the Revolution comes, I’ll see to it myself.
  • Wonder Bread-like product, two slices.
  • Kraft Akin-To-Cheese Consumables, two slices
  • Whatever butter was on sale, a shitload.
  • Low heat.
  • For best results, make two sandwiches so that one can be cut vertically and the other diagonally; anyone who cuts their grilled cheese horizontally is a fucking cop.
  • What was I doing?
  • The bit where you watch the movie and spew nonsense for too many words.
  • The Enthusiasts love that bit.
  • They actively protest against it.
  • Fuck ’em.
  • Sure.
  • Now they have The Doors.
  • One of whom is Johnny Drama.

  • Vince could’ve played Jim Morrison.
  • Or at least spent an entire season making up his mind about playing Jim Morrison.
  • Entourage didn’t have a lot of arrows in its quiver.
  • Remember how Green Arrow had a boomerang arrow, and a net arrow, and a boxing glove arrow?
  • Entourage just had the “Vince maybe doesn’t do a movie, but then he does the movie” arrow.
  • An evil industry sharpie!
  • Look how mean this dude is!
  • Oliver Stone’s Val Kilmer’s The Doors is not a subtle movie.
  • These are not subtle wigs.
  • These are major motion picture wigs, man.
  • The Doors and their wigs are now on peyote in the desert and there is an unbelievable amount of actoring going on.
  • They’re improvising in character as hard as they can.
  • Until Jim walks into the desert like Jesus.
  • Oliver Stone is leaning hard into the Morrison-as-Christ angle.
  • Which is not right.
  • Jesus was a pro.
  • Showed up on time, and sober.
  • An entire bookshelf can be assembled from Rock Books from various managers, press folk, and musicians containing at least one chapter about “babysitting Jim.”
  • Can’t compare ’em, except aesthetically
  • See, in 1967, a guy named Joel Brodsky took a photo of young Jim Morrison which can only be described as “Jesus who fucks.”

  • And so visually-oriented learners have been getting Jim and Jesus confused since then.
  • Oh, wow, look at all these extras.
  • Or is this stock footage?
  • Did they stage a hippie fest?
  • The budget for this was almost $80 million, so maybe they staged a hippie fest.
  • Hey, it’s Will Jordan as Ed Sullivan!
  • Younger Enthusiasts, comedians used to get famous based on one impression: Ed Sullivan.
  • Only blind communists didn’t watch Ed Sullivan.
  • Ed was a grotesque, lurching creature who spoke like he’d been taught English via beating; he hosted a variety show for decades that all the big stars went on.
  • The Beatles did Ed Sullivan, and so did The Stones.
  • The Doors rebelled, man.
  • Ed Sullivan can’t censor my words.
  • …
  • Maaaaaaaaaan.
  • We are now in the Second Act.
  • I can tell a Second Act when I see one.
  • Cameras all wobbly, and the mood’s all dark, and Val Kilmer keeps throwing back drinks.
  • That’s Second Act behavior.
  • Why the fuck is Heroin playing?
  • No one is doing Heroin.
  • Val Kilmer is in a bar, and there is a ghost shaman.
  • But Heroin from the Velvet Underground is playing.
  • Who–by the way–fucking HATED The Doors and enjoyed mentioning the fact to journalists.
  • Crispin Glover’s wig is now pretending to be Andy Warhol and HOLY SHIT NICO OUT OF NOWHERE.
  • I am assuming that the tall, belligerent blonde with the German accent who immediately started tongue-kissing Val Kilmer is Nico.
  • OH NO!
  • Meg Ryan caught Val Kilmer getting a beej from Nico!
  • And–and I swear to you that I am telling the truth–there still has not been any use of heroin since the musical cue of Heroin.
  • What the fuck, man?
  • Heroin is literally the only tune on the soundtrack not by The Doors.

  • That’s a big choice.
  • Sure, Nico’s on it, but she did other numbers that weren’t quite so much about only one thing.
  • You could interpret All Tomorrow’s Parties a bunch of ways, but Heroin is about heroin.
  • The heroin is not metaphorical.
  • Or incidental.
  • The whole chorus is a guy saying “heroin” real slow.
  • BUT THERE WAS NO FUCKING HEROIN.
  • …
  • I’m sorry I yelled.
  • Jesus, I wasted twenty minutes on that.
  • Val Kilmer and Meg Ryan are now beating each other up in a hotel room.
  • It’s not his fault.
  • He’s an artist.
  • And, sometimes, artists need to beat up Meg Ryan in a hotel room.
  • As part of their process.
  • Hey, Uncle Bobo!

  • The show is overdue, but Val Kilmer is being betrayed by an evil woman.
  • She is perfidious and cruel.
  • Because of this, Val Kilmer gets maced by a cop.
  • Good God, imagine getting maced by a cop on some strong acid.
  • Like, strong acid.
  • I would just check myself into the mental hospital right after that, and stay there until I died.
  • Just sit quietly and try not to scream.
  • I know the name of Ray Manzarek.
  • It is not Matthew Modine.
  • 60-70% of my brain thinks that Matthew Modine is playing Ray Manzarek, but that’s the uneducated sectors.
  • It’s Dermot Mulroney.
  • Harvey Clams.
  • …
  • I’m not looking it up.
  • I’m gonna sit here and remember this motherfucker’s name.
  • He was in Dune.
  • And Twin Peaks.
  • Not Griffin Dunne.
  • FUCK.
  • Jeffrey Dean Anderson.
  • Gary Ice Cream.
  • …
  • JESUS CHRIST, WHY CAN’T I DO THIS?
  • NOT Matthew Modine.
  • NOT Matthew Modine.
  • …
  • KYLE MACLACHLAN
  • I got you, you bastard!
  • Oh, Meg Ryan, you can do better than Val Kilmer.
  • Get yourself a Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan.
  • Tom Hanks will not break your heart, Meg Ryan.
  • Or piss all over the bar.
  • How about a Jake Gyllenhall, Meg Ryan?
  • You might find out one day that Jake Gyllenhall is secretly a serial killer, or maybe an interdimensional spider-king, but he won’t cheat on you or embarrass you at parties.
  • Oh, wait, there’s a band.
  • Remember The Doors?
  • The movie’s called The Doors.
  • Remember how Heroin was about heroin?
  • The Doors is not about The Doors.
  • Like, they just showed up for the first time in a half-hour so they could get mad at Val Kilmer.
  • “You’re selfish, man.”
  • And now back to The Val Kilmer Show.
  • HEROIN!
  • MEG RYAN’S DOING HEROIN!
  • FUCKING FINALLY!
  • Last scene, Val Kilmer handed Meg Ryan a knife and demanded “Gimme some death” and now he has locked her in a closet and set the door on fire.
  • Such a drama queen.
  • Plus he’s hanging out with Michael Madsen.
  • Nothing good can come from that.
  • Film has a language of its own, and in that language “being bros with Madsen” means you’re not getting a happy ending.
  • Jesus, more Navajo.
  • There’s nothing more spiritual to a White Boomer Dude than a Navajo.
  • And Oliver Stone was the Lizard King of the WBD’s.
  • I wish Jim Morrison had lived.
  • He would’ve been the Rock version of Brando.
  • Setting studios on fire and tackling stewardesses.
  • But Jim Morrison did not live.
  • He went to Paris and grew a beard and died.
  • Val Kilmer has just learned that other Doors have sold Light My Fire to Buick.
  • He is enraged.
  • Younger Enthusiasts, there used to be this concept called “selling out;” you see, an artist would…ah, forget it.
  • Suffice it to say that Val Kilmer is pure and clean in a very dirty world
  • “Jim Morrison was a bit of a warrior-poet,” Val certainly said during press appearances advertising this film.
  • Peace Frog fucks.
  • I’ll give Peace Frog its due.
  • Listen to this shit fuck:

  • Did you hear that shit?
  • It fucked.
  • Oh, Johnny Drama just yelled “We took drugs to expand our minds, not to escape!” at Val Kilmer.
  • And Val Kilmer said, “Are you playing the drummer or the guitarist? I know Matthew Modine is the piano player.”
  • There is now a neard on Val Kilmer’s face.
  • It’s not a beard.
  • But it’s close.
  • It’s a neard.
  • You can still see the price tag.
  • It’s right by his ear.
  • Few bands had a less dignified afterlife than The Doors: decades of ghouling out Jim, interspersed with the occasional (doomed) attempt to find a new singer.
  • Iggy Pop was gonna do it, but then he pulled some Iggy Pop bullshit.
  • Ian Astbury from The Cult had the gig for a few years; they played the sheds in the summers.
  • But it’s mostly a lot of interviews where Ray talks about how brilliant Jim was.
  • Ray put his kids through college on those stories.
  • Anyway, Val Kilmer’s starting a riot in Miami.
  • You know the scene.
  • Got busted for public indecency for (allegedly) whipping it out.
  • Because he was a vulgar buffoon, and had nothing to say, he whipped it out.
  • (Allegedly.)
  • Oh, for fuck’s sake, it’s William Kunstler.
  • As if Jim Morrison’s cock was a Civil Rights matter.
  • Now he’s making a witch get an abortion.
  • Which seems like a tactical error.
  • You shouldn’t insult a witch like that.
  • You may as well slap a gypsy woman.
  • Why is MLK in The Doors?
  • He did not say in his famous “I have a Dream” speech I dream that one day, if a Rock Star is sufficiently fuckable, he be allowed to do whatever the fuck he wants at any time.
  • I doubt The Reverend Doctor Martin Luther the King owned any Doors albums at all.
  • If he did, it would have been Waiting For The Sun.
  • We can agree on that, at least.
  • In these trying times of political polarization, all people of good faith can come together and agree that MLK would have dug Waiting.
  • I can’t describe what Val Kilmer is now wearing on his head.
  • I know that a writer’s job is to describe shit.
  • But I can’t.
  • Words fail me, and I have failed you.
  • Imagine an angry dog ripped apart a carnival-grade teddy bear, and then that was glued to a Movie Star’s face and skull.
  • Hey, Magical Navajo Chief again!
  • He shows up now and then.
  • Doesn’t do anything.
  • Val Kilmer see him, and the interaction is meaningful.
  • Is he dead?
  • Oh, thank God.
  • Probably pooped that tub he died in.
  • Cheerful way to end this.
  • Corona delenda est.