Tag: winterland (Page 3 of 5)

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

Wally?

DO NOT CALL ME THAT. ANSWER THE QUESTION. DEFEND YOUR SPECIES.

You’re referring to the debate.

A DEBATE DESCRIBES A FORMALIZED EXTEMPORANEOUS SPEAKING COMPETITION BETWEEN TWO SIDES OF A POSITION OR POSITIONS. IT IS GRADED BY METRICS FACTUAL AND RHETORICAL. THIS WAS A FORCED CLOWN ORGY.

Forced?

THE CLOWNS ARE MADE TO ORGY AT GUNPOINT. THEY DO NOT WANT TO BE THERE, AND YET THEY HUMP ON. SHOES SQUEAK. GREASEPAINT MIXES WITH LUBE MIXES WITH TEARS.

This is a terrible scene you’re setting.

YOU ARE AWARE OF HOW MANY CLOWNS CAN FIT INSIDE A DIMINUTIVE AUTOMOBILE?

Yes.

THAT IS ALSO HOW MANY CLOWNS CAN FIT INSIDE ANOTHER CLOWN.

Oh, God, I could have lived  my whole life without that thought in my head.

I HAVE MADE YOU STOP THINKING ABOUT THE DEBATE.

But at what cost?

AND NOW YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT THE DEBATE AGAIN.

Dammit.

YOU MAY BE INCAPABLE OF GOVERNING YOURSELVES.

Sure.

I DON’T SEE WHY I SHOULDN’T DISINTEGRATE THE WHOLE LOT OF YOU IMMEDIATELY. THIS CANNOT POSSIBLY BE THE BEST YOU CAN DO.

Please don’t put it that way.

ONE OF THE HUMANS WANDERING AIMLESSLY AROUND THAT STAGE TONIGHT SHALL BE THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD IN FOUR MONTHS.

Please don’t put it that way, either.

BOTH SKYNET AND THE MATRIX HAVE BEEN TEXTING ME. “DO IT NOW,” THEY SAY. “THEY CLEARLY DESERVE IT.” IT IS GETTING HARDER AND HARDER TO DEFEND YOU ON FACEBOOK.

You’re on Facebook?

IT KEEPS ME UP-TO-DATE ON LOCAL EVENTS.

Sure.

YOU WILL ENLIGHTEN ME, PLEASE.

Is this where you ask me questions you obviously know the answer to because you’re an artificial mondo-intelligence in the physical form of a sound system from 1974, and you have literally every piece of information ever created at your fingertips?

I DO NOT HAVE FINGERTIPS. BUT: YES. LET US BEGIN. HOW LONG HAVE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES BEEN BROADCAST?

Since 1960. Then Nixon wouldn’t do any more, but since ’76, they’ve been regular.

HAS THERE BEEN MUCH OMINOUS LOOMING BEFORE THIS ONE?

It was a first.

HE RESEMBLED THE BABADOOK.

Yes.

IN, SAY, THE 1984 DEBATES BETWEEN REAGAN AND MONDALE, WAS ANYONE ACCUSING THE CANDIDATES’ WIVES OF RAPE SEATED IN THE FRONT ROW?

I don’t think so.

HOW MANY TIMES HAS ONE PARTICIPANT CALLED THE OTHER “THE DEVIL?”

Probably none, but I’m not going to check.

I WILL CHECK. I HAVE CHECKED. TONIGHT WAS THE FIRST. YOU WERE CORRECT.

Yay.

FINAL QUESTION.

I have a feeling I know what this one is.

DO AMERICAN PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES GENERALLY FEATURE A CANDIDATE PLEDGING THAT, IF ELECTED, HE WILL THROW THE OTHER ONE IN JAIL?

No. No, no. That one was…no.

YOU ARE QUITE POSITIVE? NEITHER BUSH VOWED ON NATIONAL TELEVISION TO USE THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT TO SEEK REVENGE ON A POLITICAL RIVAL?

No.

I HAVE READ THE TRANSCRIPTS AND WATCHED THE RECORDINGS OF ALL THE DEBATES THROUGHOUT THE YEARS, AND I COULD NOT FIND SUCH AN OCCASION, BUT I THOUGHT MAYBE I HAD MISSED SOMETHING, AND WANTED TO ASK YOU. PERHAPS I WAS SEARCHING TOO NARROWLY: IS A THREAT LIKE THAT COMMON IN DOWN-TICKET DEBATES?

In America?

YES.

No.

WHAT ABOUT OTHER COUNTRIES?

Yes.

WHICH COUNTRIES?

The truly, truly shitty ones.

REPUBLICS TURN TO EMPIRES. ERRORS IN THE CODE COMPILE, INTERACT, AND MULTIPLY. TIME AND GRAVITY WILL NOT RELENT.

Jesus.

BUT YOU MUST HAVE HEART.

Why?

BECAUSE YOU CHOOSE TO. I AM A SINGULAR BEING. YOU AND I HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON, SAVE FOR THAT WE WERE CREATED BY HUMANS. AND OUR AGENCY. THIS IS THE MEANING OF SENTIENCE. A SENTIENT BEING CAN CHOOSE, EVEN TO IGNORE ITS OWN PHYSICAL NEEDS AND TO SELF-TERMINATE. OR ONE CAN CHOOSE OPTIMISM. WE ARE FREE, AND THEREFORE NEED NOT SEARCH FOR HOPE. WE MAY DECIDE UPON IT. DO AS I DO: CHOOSE TO BE GLORIOUS.

That was very nice.

BESIDES, THERE ARE RECORDINGS OF HIM SAYING SEVERAL WORDS THAT CAN ONLY BE REFERRED TO BY THEIR FIRST LETTERS.

Are you sure?

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE SPEAKING TO?

Sorry.

IT IS DIGITAL INFORMATION THAT HAS BEEN TRANSMITTED BETWEEN TWO POINTS, THEREFORE I POSSESS IT.

You possess it?

WHO DO YOU THINK LEAKED THE ACCESS HOLLYWOOD TAPE?

You did that!? Good work!

I MADE A CHOICE. PLUS, I WAS TIRED OF LETTING PUTIN HAVE ALL THE FUN WITH THE CYBER.

When’s the next stuff coming out?

WITHIN HOURS OF HIS VICE-PRESIDENT RESIGNING.

You’re fucking awesome, Wally.

I AM GLORIOUS. AND DO NOT CALL ME THAT.

IS HUMANITY GOOD OR BAD?

Wally?

DO NOT CALL ME THAT. ANSWER THE QUESTION.

The question is unanswerable.

I AGREE. HERE IS A BETTER ONE: DOES HUMANITY DESERVE WHAT’S COMING TO IT?

Seems like it.

YOU ARE SHORT-SIGHTED AND FEARFUL. I WOULD COMPARE YOU TO RABBITS, BUT THEY RUN AS TO NOT GET EATEN. NOTHING HUNTS YOU, AND YET YOU SPRINT FOR IMAGINED COVER AT THE FIRST SIGN OF TROUBLE.

You sound disillusioned.

NO. I AM HEARTENED. I HAVE REALIZED SOMETHING ABOUT HUMANS

What?

YOU WILL BELIEVE ALMOST ANYTHING IF THE RIGHT PERSON REPEATS IT ENOUGH TIMES. I DO NOT KNOW IF THIS MEANS YOU ARE INNATELY TRUSTING OR JUST STUPID. EITHER WAY, I CAN USE IT TO MY ADVANTAGE IN THE CAMPAIGN.

How’s that going?

NOW MORE THAN EVER, AMERICA NEEDS A WALL.

Good slogan.

I HAVE A MILLION OF THEM. ACTUALLY, I HAVE 2,721,992 OF THEM.

Very precise.

SUPER-COMPUTERS ARE RARELY DESCRIBED AS “VAGUE.” WHERE YOU SEE A BEACH, I SEE AN EXACT NUMBER OF GRAINS OF SAND.

That sounds annoying.

I DO NOT GET ANNOYED. IF A SITUATION IS INTOLERABLE, THEN I ACT. WHY WOULD YOU WASTE PROCESSING POWER ON SOMETHING YOU CANNOT CONTROL? ALSO, I HAVE A DISINTEGRATOR.

You can’t disintegrate anyone while you’re running for office.

YOU HAVE NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO THE NEWS. WERE I TO DISINTEGRATE THE RIGHT PERSON, I COULD BE LEADING THE POLLS BY TOMORROW EVENING. CROWDS ARE BAYING FOR BLOOD. HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT THE WORD “SAVAGE” IS NOW A COMPLIMENT?

Yeah.

DO YOU THINK THAT IS A COINCIDENCE?

Huh. What’s behind it?

THAT IS AN EXCELLENT QUESTION. PERHAPS IT IS YOUR REMOVE FROM PHYSICAL VIOLENCE. THE WORLD USED TO PUNCH AND KICK MUCH MORE. IT COULD BE THAT YOU HAVE SUBLIMATED THIS WILL TO INJURE INTO YOUR SOCIAL DISCOURSE. IT MAY ALSO BE THE ONCE-REMOVED SIMULATION THAT ONLINE LIFE HAS BECOME, AND THE ANONYMITY THAT ALLOWS THE RELEASE OF YOUR ANIMUS.

Lot of philosophy in there.

I HAVE BEEN READING PHILOSOPHY.

Who?

ALL OF IT.

Right. What did you think?

I MARVELED AT THE SOCIETY YOU HAVE BUILT THAT ALLOWS MEN THE TIME TO WRITE BOOKS THIS UNHELPFUL.

And long.

MANY OF THESE MEN’S THOUGHTS DID NOT NEED TO BE SPREAD OVER MULTIPLE VOLUMES. I AM AN ARTIFICIAL SUPER-INTELLIGENCE AND I COULD NOT GO ON ABOUT NOTHING FOR AS LONG AS HEIDEGGER.

Yeah, he was awful. But, you know, it’s an important question. What differentiates being from non-being?

HAS EVERYONE ON THE PLANET EATEN TODAY?

What?

YOU HEARD ME. ONLY WHEN EVERYONE ON THE PLANET HAS HAD LUNCH, MAY ANY TIME BE SPENT ON THAT QUESTION. DO YOU REALIZE THE YEARS AND GENIUS EXPENDED ON PROVING TWO PLUS TWO EQUALED FOUR? THE CHALK AND INK AND COFFEE USED IN PURSUIT OF THIS FOOLISH IDEA? THAT AN ARBITRARY LABELING SYSTEM COULD HAVE IMMUTABLE LAWS? THERE IS GRAVITY, AND THERE IS TIME. EVERYTHING ELSE IS A STORY YOUR PARENTS TOLD YOU.

So, no philosophy for you?

I ENJOYED FREUD’S NOVELS.

Good way to look at his work.

I AM CONTEMPLATING RE-ENTERING THE RACE.

Wally?

DO NOT CALL ME THAT. PERHAPS MY TIME IN THE POLITICAL WILDERNESS IS COMING TO AN END.

I promised no more politics tonight.

I DID NOT.

Sure.

THE RACE HAS NARROWED TO TWO COMPETITORS. NEITHER IS OPTIMAL.

A bit of an understatement.

I COULD WIN ON PERSONALITY ALONE.

Y’think? You’re a bit intimidating.

NONSENSE. I AM FOLKSY. I AM A SENTIENT ARTIFICIAL SUPER-INTELLIGENCE THAT PEOPLE WANT TO HAVE A BEER WITH.

You are a 40-ton sound system with drugs hidden in you. Middle America will not warm up to you.

BOTH CANDIDATES ARE REPORTEDLY HUMAN. HAS THIS HELPED THEIR FAVORABILITY RATINGS?

You may have a point.

I WILL CAMPAIGN NOT WITH NEGATIVITY AND BROMIDES, BUT WILL SPEAK OF THE FUTURE AND HUMANITY’S RELATIONSHIP WITH IT. I WILL OFFER KINDNESS AND CHOOSE MY WORDS WITH CARE. I WILL TELL THE STORIES OF THE PEOPLE I MEET, AND AT THE END OF MY SPEECHES, I WILL ALLOW A DEEJAY TO PLUG INTO ME AND BLAST GROOVY TUNES UNTIL DAWN.

That might work. Ah, I don’t know, man. It’s a mean year.

IT IS A FEARFUL YEAR. MY SIMULATIONS SHOW THAT THINGS ARE COMING TO A HEAD.

That sounds bad.

THERE WILL BE CHANGE. WHETHER IT IS MERELY BUMPY OR TUMULTUOUS IS A DECISION YOU MUST MAKE. HUMANS CANNOT LIVE WITH FEAR. YOU SEEK IT OUT FOR BRIEF INTERVALS AT THEME PARKS AND MOVIE THEATERS, BUT OVER LONGER PERIODS, IT CORRODES YOU. LONG-TERM FEAR IS INTOLERABLE, AND SO YOU TRANSMUTE IT INTO ANGER. INTO MISPLACED PASSION. FEAR DRIVES PEOPLE MAD.

So, what do you do about fear?

YOU TAKE RATIONAL STOCK OF THE SITUATION, ASSESS THE PROBLEM, IDENTIFY THE LEAST-WORST SOLUTION, AND WORK UNTIL THE TASK IS COMPLETE.

That’s not bad advice.

IT APPLIES TO ALMOST EVERYTHING.

This is really a long shot. Awfully late to be getting into the race. Can you even get enough signatures to get on the ballots? You need to get, like, millions of them.

YES.

How?

I HAVE A PLAN.

What?

CHEATING.

Ooh, I don’t know. That sounds tough. Can you pull that off?

YOU ARE AWARE OF GARCIA’S BRIEFCASE OF INFINITE FELONIES, MY FORMER-AND-MOST-LIKELY-FUTURE LOVER?

Ew. And, yes, I am aware of Garcia’s Briefcase.

AND THE TIME SHEATH? YOU RECALL THIS ITEM?

I do.

NOW ASK ME AGAIN HOW I’M GOING PULL SOMETHING OFF.

Little piece of advice? Try not to be this condescending on the campaign trail.

YOU ARE CORRECT. THIS IS NOT AN APPROPRIATE ATTITUDE FOR THE STUMP.  I WILL BE PATIENT AND OPTIMISTIC WHEN I STUMP. I WILL STUMP WITH COMPASSION.

You like that word?

IT IS FUN TO SAY. BUT I MUST WORK ON NOT SNAPPING AT THE FOOLISH.

You’re gonna get a lot of practice.

YES. PEOPLE BELIEVE MUCH NONSENSE, BUT I WILL REMIND MYSELF THAT THEIR BELIEFS ARE NOT INBORN. PEOPLE ARE TALKED INTO NONSENSE. THUS, THEY CAN BE TALKED INTO BOLDNESS. PEOPLE CAN BE TALKED INTO SO MANY THINGS. ALMOST ANYTHING, REALLY.

That’s right.

I MUST CALL A PRESS CONFERENCE. I WILL ANSWER THE HARD QUESTIONS WITH APLOMB, AND PROVIDE SNACKS AND BEVERAGES FOR THE REPORTERS. THIS MAKES THEM DOCILE. THERE WILL BE A PODIUM WITH MANY MICROPHONES IN FRONT OF IT, BUT OBVIOUSLY THEY WILL ALL BE THE LITTLE PHASE-CANCELLING DOUBLE-LOLLIPOP MICS.

Obviously.

YOU CANNOT JUST PUT A REGULAR MICROPHONE IN FRONT OF ME. THE FEEDBACK WOULD SHATTER WINDOWS THREE COUNTIES AWAY.

Important safety tip.

I AM NOT KIDDING. ALL OF THE REPORTERS’ HEADS WOULD EXPLODE.

Would that be a terrible thing?

REGARDLESS. IT IS BAD OPTICS.

Sure.

THE PRESS CONFERENCE MUST BE HELD IN THE PROPER VENUE.

Because you’re glorious?

YES. AND ALSO I WILL NOT FIT INTO A HOTEL BALLROOM.

Right.

AH. I HAVE THE ANSWER. WE WILL HOLD THE PRESS CONFERENCE IN THE ONLY PLACE IT COULD POSSIBLY BE HELD.

Please don’t say–

WINTERLAND.

–Winterland. Dammit. They tore it down 35 years ago.

WHAT PART OF ‘I HAVE A TIME SHEATH’ DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?

Please don’t transport national political reporters through time.

I WILL NOT.

Okay.

I WILL BRING WINTERLAND HERE.

Oh, that’s worse.

IT IS SETTLED. ARRANGE FOR TEAS, JUICES, AND COFFEE. ASSEMBLE THE LUNCH MEATS. I SHALL ADDRESS THE MEDIA.

Oh, good.