Dead & Company, the perennial jam band mainstays whose members helped solidify and define the 1960s rock scene with their performance at the original Woodstock, are the latest casualties of organizers’ decision to try and stage the festival at Maryland’s Merriweather Post Pavilion next month.- “Dead & Company Drop Out Of Woodstock 50” – Rolling Stone
Dead & Company’s cancellation comes as little surprise to anyone following the travails of Woodstock 50©®™ (Brought to you by Caliburn International) over this past year. The festival cannot be called a trainwreck, as no one involved is even remotely competent enough to be trusted with machinery as heavy as a train; also, tranwrecks come as a surprise. No one saw that coming, is often the refrain after two locomotives collide, except for that time some huckster bought two engines and charged the local rubes two bits to watch him crash ’em into each other, except the stands weren’t far back enough and two people died. (That’s a true story.)
In an effort to keep you, the loyal Enthusiast, abreast of all of the important music industry news of the day, TotD now presents the Official Timeline of Woodstock 50©®™:
January 10, 2019 Michael Lang, one of the co-creators of the original Woodstock, the one with the curly hair who looked like a muscular angel in his vest–announces that a 50th anniversary festival would be held in August of 2019. When asked where the three-day event would take place, Lang fakes a sneezing fit and runs from the room.
January 11, 2019 Michael Lang calls all of the journalists to tell them he meant to say Watkins Glen, and that everything was going well, and that the bands were just about to be announced.
March 11, 2019 Michael Lang and the festival’s production company, Superfly, re-announce that they will announce the bands any minute now.
March 11, 2019 (Later that day) A new investor, Russian oligarch Oleg Deripskaya, signs on.
March 11, 2019 (Just after the Oleg thing) Deposits are wired into the accounts of Jay-Z, The Killers, Fogerty, Miley Cyrus, Dead & Company, etc.
March 11, 2019 (Just after the wire transfers are confirmed.) Jay-Z, The Killers, Fogerty, Miley Cyrus, Dead & Company, etc. post on their social media pages about how excited they are to be playing at Woodstock 50©®™, and how it was gonna be special, and all that.
March 22, 2019 Everyone sues everyone. Michael Lang sues Superfly, Superfly gets sued by Mario van Peebles, a shadowy Japanese corporation called the Dentsu Aegis Network slaps an injunction on the Ghost of Jimi Hendrix’ Headband. Judges cream their robes at the thought of being able to cram some Beatles lyrics into an opinion. All the paralegals dust off their boogie shoes, even the paraplegic paralegals.
April 2, 2019 The Black Keys back out of the festival, citing “scheduling difficulties.”
April 3, 2019 Dentsu Aegis Network dispatches ninjas to murder The Black Keys,
April 4, 2019 The ninjas are repelled handily by The Black Keys, who–and I would not have imagined this to be the case–are Batman-level martial artists.
April 5, 2019 Dentsu Aegis Network summons Dulok the Gnasher from the Cage With No Bars.
April 6, 2019 The Black Keys blow town. Ninjas are one thing, but Dulok the Gnasher is a helium-level threat and nunchucks are of no use against him. Dentsu Aegis Network neglects to recite any binding chants or cast a banishing spell, so Dulok is still in our reality. Check your hamper. He likes to hide in hampers.
April 19, 2019 The town of Watkins Glen issues a fatwa against Michaal Lang and, for some reason, the suriving members of Sha Na Na. Notified by the county’s lawyers that Islamic religious edicts were outside of their purview, the five-member town council issues a fatwa against the lawyers.
May 1, 2019 Superfly Productions pulls out, citing “general incompetence,” a “lack of time,” and they “just couldn’t look at Michael Lang’s fucking haircut anymore.”
May 8, 2019 42nd anniversary of Cornell.
May 9, 2019 Michael Lang is arrested in Pompano Beach, Florida, for stripping nude and communicating with the godhead at a Steak & Shake.
May 17, 2019 President Trump pardons Michael Lang.
May 29, 2019 Dentsu Aegis Network, Superfly, and Michael Lang meet in court, but–surprise–the judge has been gnashed by Dulok. All motions are tabled until the next day.
May 30, 2019 Nope, the demon is still in the courthouse.
June 4, 2019 Concerned citizens of Watkins Glen and the surrounding towns take their own children hostage, put guns to their heads, and threaten to pull the triggers if Woodstock 50©®™ takes place at the Speedway.
June 15, 2019 Positive news about the festival: it WILL happen. Also, they finally got Dulok off the bench and the new judge said that Dentsu and Superfly could take their money back, so there’s no money and no permit, but Jay-Z is still confirmed.
June 16, 2019 Jay-Z cancels. Michael Lang is re-arrested at the Steak & Shake, and re-pardoned that night.
June 23, 2019 New investors are found. When pressed on the identities of these investors, Michael Lang faked another sneezing attack and hung up the phone; reporters later received a call from a man who called himself “Rudy” and told them to “stop asking so many fucking questions.”
July 1, 2019 Woodstock 50©®™ applies for a location permit right outside of Vernon, New York. Citizens of Vernon immediately burn the town to the ground, and then sour the land with the blood of their young. The locals become a wandering and heartless mob, savage with grief, and they lay waste to Oneida County. Utica dies screaming.
July 5, 2019 Santana’s manager calls to cancel, and Michael Lang–like one of the agents in The Matrix–transports himself via the phone lines to Santana’s manager’s office, and straight-up kills the fucker. It’s amazing how many people have to die for a rockyroll festival.
July 11, 2019 Caliburn International signs on as sponsor, also takes over construction of temporary housing.
July 13, 2019 A scout from Woodstock 50©®™ is reported to be in downtown Monticello, New York. The mayor sets off a low-yield nuclear device upon hearing the news, rendering the area uninhabitable for 50,000 years.
July 20, 2019 Steak & Shake again.
July 21, 2019 On a dare from Camden Yards, Merriweather Post Pavilion agrees to host the festival, which is still slated for three days even though it’s only got around one day’s worth of acts left.
July 22, 2019 About eight more hours worth of pop stars cancel, but James Dolan’s band, JD & the Straight Shots, are still booked.
July 23, 2019 James Dolan is gnashed by Dulok; the Straight Shots pull out.
July 26, 2019 Billy realizes he isn’t getting a check, and Dead & Company cancel.
Tomorrow, 2019 Who can foretell the future?