Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Little-Known Woodstock Facts

Cannibalism was rampant.

As many as 45 teens may have been at least partially consumed during the festival, primarily during Santana’s set. His soloing–laden with Latin-tinged emotion as it was–induced something like a hunger within the crowd, and then MONCHMONCHMONCH things got weird, and quickly.

About ten percent of the crowd were undercover FBI officers.

Or CIA. Or Soviets.Or MI6/double agent for the Queen’s Guard? (The Queen’s Guard answers directly to the Regent, and solve problems for her all over the world: sometimes quietly, other times with a bang. There’s a big guy and a smart guy and a computer guy and a guy who’s a hot chick, and they have bitchin’ gadgets, and they talk to the Queen via hologram, and then they go to exotic places and extra-legally kill exotic people.)

Or Raphaelites. (He was an angel that came to earth and started a vacuum cleaner company/cult. It’s a long story.) Anyway, a goodly portion of any festival crowd in the 60’s and 70’s were agents of one secret society or another.

Or the Thurr. (Perfect name for ’em. Look at those motherfuckers, just look at ’em. Your mind just goes “Thurr.” Jesus, look at ’em. Thurring it up like that. Oughta be a law against it.)

The Band was there.

This one’s not a joke. Was everyone else aware that The Band played Woodstock? I would have wagered in opposition not two days ago, so sure I was that the revered Americana group (that was 80% Canadian) did not attend the August ’69 festival. This is the Mandela Effect in action, Enthusiasts. What other false realities do I live in? Has there been a third Van Halen brother all this time?

The mud was doody.

Before the cows even got there, the fields were made of pure doody. Dirt is worm doody. When the teens were sliding in the mud, they were sliding in doody. Nothing but doody everywhere you looked. The whole weekend was made of doody.

Bands other than the Grateful Dead performed.

You would not know that fact from my social media feed. According to it, the story of Woodstock is: The Dead played poorly, and some other stuff happened. 

1 Comment

  1. Festivals haven’t changed a great deal then.

Leave a Reply