HOUSE HEARING ROOM – MORNING
“Everyone settle down. Sit down. Enough. Calm down. We are beginning the second day of this august House’s impeachment inquiries into Donald Trump, and we need to step it up, folks. We need to class it up, and we need to step it up. Some people thought we lacked pizzazz. Another demographic said–we had some overnight polling done–that the first day of the hearings made them feel like America was ‘a car-struck dog on the side of the highway, dying but not dead.’ Those are tough reviews, folks.”
“Point of order!”
“Not recognized, Congresswoman Stefanik. I’m giving my opening statement.”
“Why are you censoring me, Chairman Schiff?”
“It is not censorship, Congresswoman.”
“Point of order.”
“You aren’t allowed to call for points of order during the opening statements. There are rules to this. Robert came up with them, and then we tweaked them.”
“I don’t know who this socialist traitor ‘Robert’ is, Chairman, but I have several points of order.”
“Now it’s several?”
“I demand the whistleblower be named, and then thrown into the nearest volcano.”
“The gentlewoman will suspend.”
“Volcano!”
“Suspend!”
GAVEL NOISE!
“Cut it out! We’re on teevee! This committee today welcomes the former ambassador to Ukraine, Marie Yovanovitch.”
“Thank you, Chairman Schiff.”
“Ambassador, you have served under four different presidents, both Democratic and Republican. Your reputation among your peers and within the international community is one of reliability and honest brokerage. You have been the United States’ plenipotentiary in Kyrgyzstan and Armenia, and in 2016 were asked by then-President Obama to become the ambassador to Ukraine, is that correct?
“Yes.”
“You were relieved of duty by President Trump is May of 2019. Were you given a reason for your dismissal?”
“Given one? No. Did I know what was happening? Oh, yeah.”
“Walk us through it.”
“Rudy Giuliani wanted me fired.”
“That was a short walk.”
“Him and his gangster buddies had, like, nine or ten schemes going and Ukraine was one of them. I refused to get entangled in their sloppy nonsense, and so I had to go. I mean it: real gangsters. There are three guys in Rudy’s crew named Big Julie. Just blatant in their criminality.”
“I see.”
“They would start dice games in meetings. Incredibly unprofessional people.”
“This smear campaign by Mr. Giuliani went up the ladder to the President, didn’t it?”
“Yes. Apparently, President Trump discussed me with Ukrainian President Zelensky.”
“Anything positive?”
“No. He called me ‘nasty’ a bunch of times, and then some of the call is redacted, but I think he was making jokes about the size of my ankles. Which is inappropriate.”
“Very. How did you respond to these attacks?”
“Many of my colleagues at the State Department signed a letter protesting my treatment. It was brought to Secretary of State Pompeo, and he started crying. ‘He’ll tweet,’ he kept saying. ‘Oh, God, he’ll tweet.’ The man just dissolved. It was sickening.”
“I can imagine.”
EVERYONE IN THE ROOM’S CELL PHONE VIBRATING AT ONCE NOISE
“Madame Ambassador, if you’ll give us a second. Oh, God, he tweeted. I will quote the President’s message in order to get it on the record that the President of the United States is live-tweeting his own impeachment in real-time. This is surely what the Founding Fathers had in mind when they wrote the Constitution. Ahem.
Weird Al Yankovic is no-good! Very strange things happen around her! Steals silverware, or so I’ve heard. Why does she keep lying?
“So, uh, that would be witness tampering, huh? I’ll just add that to the list. Miss Yovanovitch, how did that tweet make you feel?”
“I don’t know how to feel about anything anymore. Nothing makes sense. It didn’t make me happy, I’ll say that. The President accusing you of being a fork-thief does not feel good.”
“I apologize to you on behalf of the House of Representatives, ma’am.”
“Point of order!”
“Oh, stuff it, Congresswoman Stefanik!”
“Point of order! The entire House does NOT apologize.”
“You are not recognized.”
“In fact, I double-down on the tweet. I demand that the witness empty her purse. There’s knives in there.”
“Not recognized!”
EVERYONE IN THE ROOM’S CELL PHONE VIBRATING AT ONCE NOISE
“Ah, dammit. Okay, I’ll read this one, too. Ahem.
I will pardon anyone who murders Weird Al Yankovic.
“Jesus! Okay, we’re opening up a whole new file. That’s a new charge right there. That is criminal. Madame Ambassador, are you okay?”
“I am.”
“I assume he means you when he says ‘Weird Al Yankovic.'”
“Uh-huh. I assumed that, too.”
“”CHAIRMAN SCHIFF! I WILL HAVE THE FLOOR!”
“C’mon, Jordan, you’ve behaved until now.”
“Recognize my masculine power.”
“I will not.”
“Check out my traps. I’ve been killing my traps.”
“The gentleman’s traps are not recognized.”
“You will allow me to throw a sandwich at the witness.”
“The gentleman will suspend.”
“You will allow me to heave a meatball sub at the ambassador.”
“The gentleman will suspend.”
“That’s what liars get in this dojo.”
“We are not in a dojo, Congressman Jordan.”
“The world is my dojo.”
“Stop talking. You are not recognized.
EVERYONE IN THE ROOM’S CELL PHONE VIBRATING AT ONCE NOISE
“Jesus. I’m not gonna keep reading these.”
Jordan, I’ll give you a thousand dollars to pop Liddle Adam Schiff in his big nose. Cash!
“Okay, we’re taking a break!”
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