OVAL OFFICE – MORNING

“Mr. President, thanks for taking the time to speak with us. Let’s start with something in the news today. Three soldiers were killed by a roadside bomb in Afghanistan. Why are we still in that country after 17 years, and what are our objectives there?”

“Terrible with the soldiers, terrible. They should have maybe seen it coming, but still very terrible. The side of the road is where they keep the bombs. Don’t go over there! Stay in the middle of the road! Very sad. Diet Coke?”

“No, thank you, sir.”

“We can do a regular, too. Regular Coke?”

“I’m fine.”

“I got the button right here. I hit the button, Diet Coke appears.”

“Sir, will you be visiting the troops any time soon?”

“It’s on the table, and it’s a thing I very much want to do. I’ve been telling everyone around here, ‘The troops need to see me,’ and everyone agrees, but the weather over there is a nightmare this time of year. Rainy season. They have a rainy season and a dry season. Very primitive over there. Can’t even figure out having four seasons. Backwards people! And, you know, ‘people’ might be pushing it. Not my type, let’s leave it at that. But the troops are great, great.”

“Was that a yes?”

“You have to understand how hard we’re working here to make America great again. The phone. Always on the phone, making calls, taking calls, phone never stops. Documents. So many documents, probably the most documents of any world leader. I have heard–and I hear this from experts–that Angela Merkel doesn’t even have any documents. And we monitor. Documents and monitoring, and also I did the turkey thing last week. Did you see that?”

“I was there, sir.”

“It got the best reviews. Huge. People were coming up to me all day and telling me what a way I had with the birds. Told a couple jokes, they went over very well. Melania, the most beautiful First Lady of all time, was very beautiful that day, and she’s done such a marvelous job with the White House with the trees and whatever. It’s really such a great success, and she was one of my best choices. I picked a great wife.”

“Uh-huh. Mr. President, Paul Manafort was charged by the special counsel’s office of–”

SEVERAL LAWYERS LEAPING ATOP A TAPE RECORDER NOISE

SEVERAL MINUTES OF MUFFLED SILENCE NOISE

“–off the record.”

“Yes, sir. Will there be a government shutdown in the upcoming weeks?”

“I could shut it down today! Bing bong bang, all quiet. I have a button for it.”

“Mr. President, I don’t believe you have a button that shuts down the government.”

“We were very close on the deal. DACA. The Democrats come in and you can almost trust them. Almost. So we’re this far apart on the deal and a judge comes in and says everything’s legal that shouldn’t be. Everything at all! The borders are open, no one has to show ID at supermarkets, total chaos. That’s what the Democrats want, but this judge–terrible, terrible judge–he says that DACA is fine even though Obama said it was illegal. He said that! When Obama signed DACA, he stood in the Rose Garden and said into the cameras, ‘I’m passing this illegal bill because I hate America,’ and now we have this crazy-person judge who says it’s all fine. Can you believe that? Maybe I raise tariffs on the judges.”

“I don’t think you can do that, sir.”

“Maybe we can. We’ll see. We’re gonna have an announcement about that coming up, big announcement.”

“So…will there are won’t there be a government shutdown, sir?”

“If I get my wall, then there won’t be any shutdown. We need the wall. Not want it, need it. All these fires in California, that’s what the wall is for.”

“How could a border wall have prevented forest fires, sir?

“Because they were all set by MS-13. They come here, and they sell drugs  and burn our forests. The wall stops that clean. I guarantee you–look you in the eye and guarantee you–that if we build my wall, then there’ll never be another wildfire. Guarantee it. You got these so-called scientists, mostly losers and hustlers, who say that it’s a ridiculous idea, but my gut has run the numbers. Wall? No fires. No wall? Fires. And you gotta rake.”

“You’re still on the raking thing?”

“Everyone does it! Finns rake constantly, can’t stop raking, unbelievable rakers. The children do it. Teachers lead them into the forests and the children rake. It’s like a treat for them. Here? No raking. And if there is raking, it’s not being done right. We ought to get the Navy to go in there, because the Navy mops. Ever see ’em mop, they go back and forth, the whole thing? They’re so powerful with the mopping that, you know, it’s just like raking. We’re gonna send in the Navy. General Kelly, we’re gonna send the Navy to rake the forests. General?”

“He left the room several minutes ago, sir.”

“General?”

“He’s not here, sir.”

“General?”

“Why are you looking under your day planner? He couldn’t possibly be under there.”

“General? Ah, well. He’ll be here. You staying for the Colonel?”

“Are you speaking about a man or fried chicken?”

“Chicken.”

“Ah. I don’t know, sir, if I can–”

“I guessed all 11 herbs and spices. First time I ever bit into a piece of Kentucky Fried Chicken, I rattled them off. You got salt, pepper, the others. I rattled them right off! Must have been, what, five or six years old? Around there. One bite. People were amazed, just amazed, at how well I could taste herbs and spices. I don’t like the potato wedges, but you can get ’em. I always told the Colonel, ‘Colonel, the people want fries,’ but he thought french fries were for negros and donkeys. He told me that! ‘Gentlemen eat wedged potatoes, Mr. Trump.’ He always said that to me. I dunno. I dunno. I like a fry.”

“Can we continue with the interview? GM recently announced that it will be closing five plants and laying off up to 15% of their American workforce. What response do you have to that?”

“We’re going to go ahead and make General Motors illegal.”

“What?”

“When you look at what’s happening, with how great I’ve made the economy after Obama took a crap on the dollar, and you see these things coming from GM, it’s very unfair to me. This Mary Berra in charge over there, man. First off, she was a six in her prime. And that was a long time ago, her prime. This woman has no idea what she’s doing, and maybe it’s time for her to step aside. Maybe the Justice Department wants to look into–”

SEVERAL LAWYERS LEAPING ATOP A TAPE RECORDER NOISE

SEVERAL MINUTES OF MUFFLED SILENCE NOISE

“–can just say ‘Off the Record.’ You don’t have to leap on top of me.”

“How are you coming with your chicken decision? I’m sending the kid out now. I send him to the KFC in the black part of town. Chicken’s better over there. It has to be, or they’ll riot. Don’t miss with those people’s chicken.”

“I’m just going to go.”

“Stay, you can meet the President of Malaysia.”

“Good day, Mr. President.”