“Good afternoon, America. I’m Katy Tur, and I’ve seen Keith Olbermann turn Japanese. If you don’t understand that reference, I’m not explaining it to you. This is Day 41 of quarantine, and all our pets hate us. Below my Zoom frame, I’m wearing a pair of soiled men’s boxer shorts which, even though they come down to my knee, do not hide the overgrown thatch that is now my lady-garden. Also, I am half-drunk.”

“I’m doubling down on that last one!”

“That raised bet comes from the Mayor of Las Vegas, Carolyn Goodman. Mayor Goodman, thank you for coming on the show.”

“Me and Darryl thank you for having us.”

“Darryl?”

“I am referring, of course, to my adult milkshake.”

ADULT MILKSHAKE BEING BRANDISHED SEMI-THREATENINGLY ON A ZOOM CALL NOISE

“It is equal parts strawberry ice cream and strawberry Kahlúa, so I named it after Mets great Darryl Strawberry. I suppose the the doctors are gonna say this is bad for me, too!”

“They almost certainly would.”

“Well, fooey on them! I’m gonna suck on my Darryl and open up my city.”

“Okay, let’s get into that. You have made several statements recently saying that you want to reopen Las Vegas, despite the dangers of the coronavirus. Currently, the state of Nevada–”

“Nuh-vaaaaaaaaaaaaah-da.”

“–has almost 1500 cases of Covid and almost 200 deaths.”

“200 deaths? You ever been to North Las Vegas? We do that in knife fights on a Tuesday. Not even the weekend, Katy. Tuesday!”

“I don’t know if you do, Mayor.”

“What we’re talking about here is freedom, Katy. And liberty. Don’t forget about the liberty. People always remember the part about freedom, but liberty gets left out, and that’s not right. Freedom and liberty. And the economy. Freedom, liberty, the economy.”

…

“Were you making a point?”

“I made three! Freedom, liberty, the economy.”

“Sure. So you think the casinos should be open?”

“Of course they should. If people are gonna be stuck in their homes with nothing to do, then they should at least be able to come to Vegas. That just makes sense.”

“It doesn’t. Mayor Goodman, just today it was reported that the coronavirus can be spread through air conditioning. Casinos generally do keep the air on, don’t they?”

“Katy, I saw the article you’re talking about, and it doesn’t apply to Las Vegas. What you’re describing happened in China.”

“And?”

“And anyone who’s ever had a Chinese 21 dealer knows those people are just bad luck.”

“Ignorant. Ignorant and offensive.”

“Las Vegas is a special town, and so we will put in special rules to protect our visitors as long as their credit checks out.”

“Such as?”

“Well, blowing on the dice is out. No more of that. And Britney Spears is being deep-cleaned. I’ve also issued an order to keep the victims of the next mass shooting at least six feet from one another.”

“That got dark.”

“Not as dark as the Strip! You should see it, Katy. It’s like a dog that wants to be petted. Hotels looking so sad. And the owners! My God, the owners are in the dumps. Steve Wynn hasn’t sent me a blurry, off-centered dick pic in weeks.”

“Mayor Goodman–”

“Weeks, Katy!”

“–no one is worried about the casino owners. People are worried about the casino workers.”

“They’ll be fine.”

“What reasons do you have for believing that?”

“Two: my gut and my Darryl.”

ADULT MILKSHAKE BEING SLURPED NOISE

“Man, that’s some good Darryl.”

“Mayor Goodman, every legitimate scientist and doctor has warned against opening up our cities just yet.”

“There you go. You gotta ask some quacks.”

“What?”

“All the doctors I know are the kind who take bullets out of people in the back of vet’s offices at three in the morning, and all of them are fully in favor of opening up the casinos.”

“We shouldn’t listen to them. Ma’am, Las Vegas is an entirely tourism-based economy. Aren’t you worried about visitors bringing the coronavirus back with them when they go home?”

“Katy, whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. That includes contracting the coronavirus.”

“It does not!”

“Who are you to argue with a slogan?”

“Mayor Goodman, do you have any concrete plans at all to keep visitors safe if–and this is a big if–the casinos reopen?”

“I would advise them never to split tens, and just stay the hell away from roulette.”

“Physically safe, ma’am. Not safe bets.”

“Oh, no.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Katy, this is Vegas. We take chances here! Let’s gamble!”

“You don’t gamble with other people’s lives.”

“Now, that’s simply not true. I have wagered several of my maids.”

“That’s terrible.”

“I do have a backup plan.”

“Which is?”

“Betting-by-mail.”

“That sounds absurd.”

“Oh, it’s fine to vote by mail, but a free American can’t get some action for the price of a stamp? That’s communism.”

“Mayor Goodman, the fact is that you simply do not have the authority to reopen the casinos on the Strip.”

“No, but I do have the power to kidnap Lady Gaga and force her to continue her residency.”

“You do not have that power.”

“I should not have said ‘power.’ I meant ‘ability.’ I have the ability to have Lady Gaga kidnapped and forced to perform.”

“How?”

“My husband is a giant mobster.”

“Ma’am, your husband Oscar Goodman was a lawyer to the mob.”

“Katy, I’m gonna let you in on a little secret: lawyers to the mob are totally in the mob.”

“Mayor Goodman, we’ve left the subject.”

“The subject is that we have to stop paying attention to wiener scientists and get the hell back in the sports book. We’re Las Vegas! The whole town is based on the fact that most people are bad at math! Let’s open up those casinos and let ‘er ride!”

“If the casinos opened up tomorrow, would you be there?”

“Good God, no! One of those unlucky Chinese dealers might cough on me!”

STRAW SUCKING THE LAST BITS FROM AN ADULT MILKSHAKE NOISE

“That sound means mama needs a new Darryl.”

“Lovely talking to you, Mayor.”

 

 

 

 

 

[ED. NOTE: My version is maybe–MAYBE–ten percent stupider than the real thing. Maybe ten.)