A reader writes in…

Dear TotD,

Greetings and salutations. Actually, wait. Greetings or salutations. Pick one or the other. Don’t be such a greedy fuck all the time.

Long story short: I have murdered my entire family. Spouse, children, a beagle named Trevor. All dead. It was not a premeditated act in the sense that I had formulated a plan, but I had wanted to do it for months. Their deaths cannot be blamed strictly on the quarantine, but it sure didn’t help.

You should know that they went painlessly, except for Trevor. I hated that fucking dog. I took my time.

Anyhoo, here’s my question: What to do now? I would prefer very strongly to not be punished for my crime. Or crimes. I mean, the lawyers would probably say “crimes,” but in my mind the massacre was of a piece. Oh, English! You befuddler!

Sincerely,
Finally Getting Some Peace And Fucking Quiet In Cincinnati

To which I respond…

Dear FGSPAFQIC

I choose “greetings,” as it is an honest word of Germanic origin, not the snooty Latinate birth of “salutations.”

Interesting news about your family. I am proud of your effort; many are falling into sluggish depressions during their self-isolation, but not you. That’s called work ethic, and it built America.

Furthermore, I cast no moral judgement upon your act. Maybe your family were all serial killers, or Nazi war criminals. There is a small, but distinctly non-zero, chance that your spouse, children, and beagle named Trevor needed killing. That’s life, man. Sometimes families, and beagles, need to die. More evidence is required before I call you a hero, but I am prepared to do so if the facts turn out in your favor.

I am, however, sad to say that you have chosen possibly the worst moment of the past century to murder your loved ones. All of your neighbors are home, bored, and nosey; they will notice you dragging bodies out to the car, or burying them in the backyard. You could bury ’em at night, you’re thinking, but you shouldn’t. Digging is much louder than you imagine it is.

Your best bet is arson. Soak the corpses in gasoline–

Shut the fuck up.

–which is real cheap now, and HEY! WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THE BLOCK QUOTES?

Shut the fuck up. Just shut the fuck up.

DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO WHEN I’M IN BLOCK QUOTES! THAT’S MY SAFE SPACE

Shut the fuck up.