INT. WHITE HOUSE PRESS ROOM – THIS MORNING

“Good mornin’, y’all. Ah hope you prayed t’ Jesus today, cuz Satan is ev’rywhere. Look, he’s right there! Oh, no, that’s Jim Acosta.”

“Very funny, Sarah.”

“A sense o’ humor is one o’ many genetic traits mah daddy passed on down t’ me. Before Ah take any o’ y’all’s questions, Ah have a short statement Ah did not prepare that was dictated and not edited.

“Ahem.

“The losers and haters thought that Trump couldn’t denuke North Korea, but Trump won. Kim Jong-Un, who is very tough but you have to be tough in this world, was a very, very strong negotiator, but America won. The world is now at peace for the first time in many, many years and the Korean War is over. Just because we didn’t write it down doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. No more Korean War.

“The Trump Foundation is one of the greatest charitable organizations probably in the entire world. Last week, the parents of a Korean War soldier said to me, ‘Mr. President, can you bring our boy back and thank you for your charity work.’ Can you believe that? Their boy’s been missing for 70 years and they still mention my charity? That’s a huge compliment to me, huge, and you got this Eric Schneiderman who is a pervert saying terrible things, and it’s really a shame.

“If you see Jeff Sessions, tell him I don’t like him.

“Ahem.

“Let’s get goin’ with those questions. Gary?”

“Sarah, an ABC report from last night showed the detention centers that children taken from their parents are being held in.”

“Foreign children, Gary.”

“They’re still children, Sarah. Don’t you think they should be with their families?”

“Yes, they should be. Darn tootin’.  But their parents made theyselves a shame of a choice and now we are legally bound to rip the babies from their mothers and throw ’em in repurposed Walmarts. That’s th’ law.”

“It is not the law.”

“It’s as good as law. It’s what we hold with round here.”

“What?”

“Swamp justice, Gary. It’s makin’ America great again. April Ryan, Ah will slap that scowl off your face.”

“I dare you, bitch.”

“Ah dream ’bout body slammin’ you into an empty swimming pool.”

“You think you’re something, step off the podium.”

“Sarah, could I ask a question?”

“Cheese-and-crackers, Jim Acosta. You wait your dang turn.”

“I thought you were looking at me.”

“Ah tol’ y’all that the right eye was the good one this week. Ah tell you every Monday which eyeball is workin’.”

“Yes. You’re right. I even wrote it down.”

“Boy, you dumber than a dead coonhound.”

“That’s not necessary.”

“What ain’t necessary is your lyin’ an’ weaselly ways when it comes to this here Administration. Ah suppose you got some bleedin’-heart question ’bout them kids, too?”

“The five and six-year-olds torn from their parents’ arms? Yes, I have some questions about that.”

“Well, Ah hope your questions is in the form of a ‘thank you, President Trump.’ Cuz a good 80% of them kids is MS13 assassin-rapists.”

“They are not.”

“Fine. 75%.”

“No percent. These are children.”

“Yuh-huh. MS13 is usin’ children now t’ do their assassinatin’. An’ their rapin’.”

“None of that is true.”

“Boy, you thicker than molasses in February.”

“Could you please stop calling me dumb in old-timey Southern ways?”

“Hell, naw. Oh, hey, speakin’ o’ Southern…”

BANJO MUSIC NOISE

“…it’s Attorney Gen’ral Jefferson Beauregard Dixiepants Sessions.”

“Well, don’t you look scrumptious, Miss Sarah?”

“Fiddlesticks, Gen’ral.”

“How’s your momma an’ them?”

“Uncle Jasper’s back in th’ hospital.”

“Did your Aunt Sassybeth put him there?”

“Mm-hmm.”

“Well, you lemme talk to these here J-E-W’s an’ Ah’ll come right on back an’ we c’n set a bit.”

LARGE WOMAN CURTSYING NOISE

“Aw right, who’s got theyselves a question? You, boy. Where you from?”

“CBS.”

“Naw. You?”

“Associated Press.”

“Nuh-uh. You?”

“Al Jazeera.”

“Security!”

“That’s highly offensive.”

“Oh, take a joke, Ahmed. How ’bout you? Clean-shaven fella.”

“I’m from the Christian Broadcasting Network.”

“Oh, that’s super. Not Catholic, though?”

“Oh, no. Definitely not Catholic.”

“Well, you an’ me gonna get along like sweet an’ tea. Go ‘head with your l’il ol’ question.”

“Sir, is there a Biblical passage that validates the Administration’s actions regarding immigration?”

“Flapdoodles, yes! Luckily f’r ya’ll, Ah brought the Sessions’ family Bible. Lemme open it up.”

MOURNFUL FIDDLE MUSIC PUNCTUATED BY THE CRACK OF A WHIP NOISE

“Ah quote from Philip 21:3. When the foreigner comes to you, put them in cages provided by private contractors. Ah’m quotin’ chapter an’ verse here, folks. Here’s another one. Boudica 17:11. The Lord is in everyone, but some are low and some are high and the way you can tell is that Mexicans are the low. If you’re disagreein’ with me, you’re disagreein’ with God, folks.”

“Attorney General Sessions, it’s one thing for the Bible to say something, but it’s quite another for U.S. legal code to say it. Which law are you citing to defend your decision to split up families and house children in detention facilities?”

“You that Jim Acosta fella.”

“Yes.”

“Miss Sarah done warned me ’bout you.”

“I’m sure she did.”

“Acosta.”

“That’s my name.”

“Acosta.”

“Stop it.”

“Jus’ don’t hear that kinda name ’round these parts real often. Where your people stay at?”

“Virginia.”

“No, Ah mean originally.”

“I’m not having this conversation.”

“I quote furthermore from th’ scripture! Glastonbury 32:2 Blessed is the Attorney General who does not feed illegal immigrant children to bears, but instead provides them with warm cages. You see there? That’s th’ Holy Word, son. Ah walk with th’ Lord.

LARGE WOMAN RE-ENTERING NOISE

“Gen’ral Sessions, Ah forgot t’ tell you: the President don’t like you.”

“Well, bless his heart.”