Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker was (a rousing end to a triumphant trilogy/the cinematic equivalent of a doody-covered needle in the eyeball). There were so many spaceships and laser swords and spooky aliens that I shat myself (out of joy/from boredom). We got to find out how the new characters (who were so memorable/whose names I cannot recall) fared, and see the returning cast (get their moments in the sun/literally decay before your eyes). I was most excited to see (Artoo/the spectre of death superimposed over every frame of the film).
Director J.J. Abrams has hit (a home run/me in the dick) with this movie! He had a lot of work to do after the Rian Johnson-directed The Last Jedi, which was (mildly controversial in some corners/just like 9/11 in every way), but he manages to (tie up all the loose ends/further shame and horrify anyone stupid enough to love Star Wars in the first place). My favorite part was (the return of Emperor Palpatine/the popcorn-shit I took when I got home). I hope Disney has (1000 more of these movies in the pipeline/assassins they can send to just fucking kill me)!
Vive le (Star Wars/guillotine)!
Option B, straight ticket. But the kids liked it.
Saw it. Nice enough Sunday afternoon diversion. Better than all that Marvel bullshit in the previews.