“Hey! Thoughts on my Ass! How’s your pucker?”
Tight.
“That’s what you want. Can’t have a floppy pucker, brother. No good for anyone.”
You look happy.
“Free shirt! Third best thing that can happen in a day.”
Wait, lemme guess: getting paid is first, and skank is second.
“You know me so well.”
I do. Gonna be in New York this weekend, huh? Any big plans for the city?
“Hell, yeah. No one knows New York like me. Peter Gatien used to call and ask for tips.”
Obscure.
“First, I’m gonna go down to Chinatown and eat some Chinafood.”
Yummy.
“Then it’s up to Times Square, where I’ll be taking my dick out at tourists.”
Predictable.
“And then I got a thing I gotta do.”
Are you talking about the show?
“Yeah.”
Playing Citi Field is “a thing you gotta do.”
“I played the fucking Pyramids. You think I’m impressed by where the Mets live?”
True.
CELL PHONE NOISE
You have a cell phone?
“I stole Josh’s.”
Sure. You’re probably not gonna like whoever’s on the other end of that call.
“Nah! You know me. I’m a people person.”
Uh-huh.
…
“This is Billy. I’ve got my dick out.”
“That’s disgustin’, you foul l’il pervert. Ah got a good mind t’ tell the whole congregation on you.”
“New phone, who dis?”
“This is Sarah Anti-Rodriguez Huckabee Sanders, lover of Christ and Donald J. Trump. Mostly in that there order.”
“Anti-Rodriguez?”
“My parents wanted people to be sure I wasn’t Hispanic.”
“Huh. Wish I thought of that for Justin.”
“Where is Josh Meyers? Is he hidin’ from me? His people do that. Anne Frank, for example.”
“I stole his phone while he was washing his pants. This is Billy. Hey, Huckabee: you wanna fuck-a me?”
“Excuse me, heathen?”
“Y’sound fat and angry, and that’s what I’m into this tour.”
“A woman’s appearance is not on the table, sir.”
“Not on the table? Okay, I’ll bang you on the counter.”
“Ah am a good Christian, you fungus-person!”
“C’mon, honey, we’ll give ourselves chicken-gravy enemas.”
“How dare you!?”
“I dare real good. I’ll dare right in that sloppy eyeball of yours.”
“Well, Ah never!”
“Well, you should!”
DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES NO LONGER DO THAT
“Can’t stand me a liar, Ass.”
She may be the only person in the country who deserves that kind of treatment.
“Don’t get me wrong: I’d still fuck her.”
What wouldn’t you fuck?
“Dunno! Been trying to find out for 60 years now.”
God bless you, Bill Kreutzmann.
“Yeah, I’m the fucking man.”
both commemorated on the Celebrity Wall at Sarge’s, between Peter Isacksen and Marty Allen.
Billy’s sandwich, a Triple Decker. Tongue, Tongue, and Tongue. with Pickled Beets & Half Sour sides.