“Good morning, everyone. I’d like to thank you for coming and bringing those great Starbucks attitudes. I think we’re gonna have ourselves a grande ol’ time today.”
POLITE SILENCE NOISE
“Okay, then. So. We’re all here because of the incident in Philadelphia a few weeks ago when two black men had the cops called on for sitting in the shop while not ordering anything. Now, that speaks to bias and profiling and–quite frankly–racism, and we’re just not gonna have that at Starbucks. Let’s get started with some role-playing.”
“My safe word is pumpkin!”
“Not that kind of role-playing, ma’am, but thank you. Maybe you can help me out. What’s your name?”
“Becky.”
“Of course it is. Now, Becky, let’s pretend a black man walks into your Starbucks.”
“How black?”
“Oh, I already don’t like where this is going.”
“A Gumbel or a Migo?”
“Doesn’t matter. We’re going to treat everyone the same. Black man walks into the Starbucks and you…”
“Tell him Popeye’s is down the street and beg him not to hurt me.”
“Wow. Just…wow.”
“That response is why Trump won.”
“Okay, let me ask someone else. Um, you?”
“Yes?”
“Name, please?”
“Sean.”
“Of course it is. Sean, a black man walks into your Starbucks. What do you do?”
“Call the cops.”
“Why!?”
“Because several of the other customers have started attacking him. I work in the South Boston Starbucks.”
“Huh. Yeah, okay. Good instinct.”
“I mean, they got their own Starbucks. Why they gotta come into ours? Dunkin’s better, anyway.”
“And then your instinct failed you. Someone else. Any volunteers? Yes, you.”
“I greet them by saying ‘Welcome to Starbucks’ and smile.”
“Excellent! What’s your name?”
“Chad.”
“Sure. Now, Chad, what if the black man doesn’t order anything right away?”
“He just sits down?”
“Yuh-huh.”
“Like a person?”
“Stop talking. You don’t get to talk for the rest of the day. You over there. What’s your name?”
“Snowy.”
“Are there any people of color here?”
“White’s a color.”
“WHITE’S A HUE!”
…
“I apologize. I shouldn’t have yelled. So, uh, Snowy: a black man walks into your store, sits down, and doesn’t order anything. What do you do?”
“I dial 9, then 1, and then wait.”
“No.”
“I pretend to be cleaning the next table and stare at him to make sure he isn’t committing crime.”
“Also no.”
“I remind him that Starbucks doesn’t just serve coffee, and that perhaps we have something else that may be more to his liking.”
“Um. Maybe? What would you say?”
“I would say, ‘Sir, can I get you a grape soda?'”
“Absolutely not. Someone else, please. You, in the back.”
“Hi, I’m also Becky.”
“How many women here are named Becky?”
UNANIMOUS FEMALE HAND-RAISING NOISE
“Figures. Okay, Becky, what would you do. Black guy is sitting at the table. Not bothering anyone. What do you do?”
“I assume he’s a rapper or an athlete.”
“No! Someone else. You, in the goofy clothes.”
“Well, I would ask him if he’s seen my new, ironic video for my single.”
“What are you doing here, John Mayer?”
“I just wanted a latte. I didn’t know you were–”
“Out! Get out!”
JOHN MAYER LEAVING A STARBUCKS NOISE
“You. What’s your name?”
“Alan.”
“Alan, same situation. Black guy at the table. Minding his own business. Playing with his phone or reading the paper or whatever. What do you do?”
“Just give him all the money out of the register and don’t be a hero.”
“Okay, we’re done.”
“Unicorn frappuccinos for everyone!”
WHITE PEOPLE CHEERING NOISE
John Mayer doesn’t go to Starbucks, Starbucks goes to him