So You’re Thinking About Comparing A Black Person To An Ape…

Hey now.

Hey now.

I’d like to compare a black person to an ape.

Oh, you shouldn’t.

But I reeeeeeeeeeeeeally want to.

Then go to it. I’m not in charge around here. All I’m saying is: you shouldn’t.

But what about the First Amendment?

This has as much to do with the First Amendment as it does with the Seventeenth Amendment.

The direct election of Senators?

Did you look that up?

I know my amendments, broham.

CONSTITUTIONAL HIGH FIVE SOUND

But, seriously, don’t compare black people to apes. Or monkeys. Any primate, really.

Why can’t I?

Again, dumbass: you can. But you shouldn’t.

Why not?

Should we just skip past the argument about being a decent person?

Yes.

Okay. You shouldn’t call black people monkeys because you’ll get fired. From, like, everywhere. From jizz-mopper all the way up to teevee star: if you compare black people to monkeys, you will lose your job.

But–

If you bring up the First Amendment or “free speech” again, I’m gonna rip your fucking lips off.

—what about…that’s just rude.

It is. I stand by my threat.

Then why is it okay to compare President Trump to an orangutan?

Because Basketball Head is, ostensibly, white. And white people haven’t been dehumanized specifically by calling them apes and monkeys for at least 400 years.

That’s ridiculous! It’s like there’s two different sets of rules! One for white people and one for blacks!

…

It’s getting hard to publicly admit that I know you.

What?

Listen, man: call anyone anything you want. But be prepared to face the consequences.

Consequences? Oh, no. I’m a white man. We don’t do those. 

The times, they are a-changing.

What if I’m not comparing black people to apes, but comparing them to the characters in Planet of the Apes?

The characters in Planet of the Apes were apes! The movie wasn’t called Planet of the Actors in Ape Makeup.

What about Roddy McDowall?

What about him?

Can I compare black people to Roddy McDowall?

If the black person is a beloved member of the Hollywood community whose homosexuality is an open secret and throws legendary dinner parties, then: yes.

Well, what animals can I compare black people to?

Llamas.

Okay.

Cuttlefish.

Weird, but okay.

Or you could come up with an insult that’s specific to the person without bringing  race (or looks) into it. You know, based on an individual’s behaviors, attitudes, and actions.

Oh, that sounds exhausting.

It does, doesn’t it?