“All right, sha. Sha. Sheket bavaka sha! I call to order this hearing on racial profiling and police brutality in America.”
“Chairman Nadler, I object.”
“Why, Congressman Jordan?”
“The phrase ‘police brutality’ is so biased and wrong. I disagree with its connotative accusations.”
“What would you prefer?”
“How about ‘police oopsies?”
“I reclaim my time from the Congressman. The past weeks have seen protests of a size unrivaled by any other in our history. Millions have taken to the streets to demand an end not only to police abuses, but also of white supremacy itself. The spark that lit this flame was the murder of George Floyd, a Minneapolis resident, by a member of the Minneapolis Police Department whose name I will not repeat. We have with us today George Floyd’s brother, Philonise Floyd. Good morning, Mr Floyd.”
“Good morning, Chairman Nadler. Thank you for inviting me.”
“Did you notice the dashikis?”
“Yes, I noticed that you and the rest of the Democratic caucus were wearing dashikis. I surely did notice that.”
“Notes?”
“Not a one. There’s just so much coming at me right now. I can only concentrate on so much at a time. I’m just gonna pretend your little costumes don’t exist.”
“Do you think we should get hair picks?”
“What?”
“The ones with the fist on the handle.”
“Yeah, I understood the question. My confusion was over why the question was asked at all. You are prioritizing the wrong things here.”
“Thank you, Mr. Floyd. Your life matters.”
“Oh, God, that sounded awful.”
“The Chair recognizes the Ranking Member of the committee, Jim Jordan.
“Let the record show that I am in support of Chairman Nadler’s dashiki. I approve of all male skirtings. Kilts, dishdashas, towel wrapped around your waist: whatever. I’ve had it with pants, man! I need access to the fashion district. That’s what I call my privates. I don’t know why.”
“Did you have a question, Congressman?”
“Hey! Don’t get aggressive, Mr. Floyd! I’m a wrestler, man! Your brother’s neck was lucky it didn’t meet me!”
“Jesus.”
“Leave him out of it! Jesus supports the cops, everybody knows that. Speaking of the cops, why do you want to throw our decent, hardworking men and women in blue out windows?”
“What now?”
“This new thing you people are yelling about. Defenestrate the Police.”
“Defund.”
“Agree to disagree! I believe the slogan is ‘Defenestrate the Police’ and that’s what I’m gonna bray at the top of my lungs anytime anyone produces a microphone in my general location. Why didn’t your brother do more bridges?”
“What?”
“The exercise where you arch your butt up and balance on your feet and head. Strengthens the neck. Best defense against a chokehold. I think this goes to personal responsibility. We all have a duty to build up our muscles in case we’re ever attacked by a cop.”
“Maybe people shouldn’t be attacked by cops.”
“And maybe Johnny should be Jane! And maybe possums should push it, push it real good. And maybe the void sings sweeter than you can imagine. I got no time for maybe, Mr. Floyd. ‘Maybe’ don’t wipe my ass, man. ‘Maybe’ don’t wipe my ass at all.”
“I have no response to that.”
“I yield the rest of my time to Congressman Gaetz of Florida.”
“No!”
GAVEL NOISE!
“You can’t do that!”
“Yes, I can, Chairman Nadler. I slapped his hand. Matty’s time to rassle!”
“Tag team rules are not in effect, Congressman Jordan.”
“TAG TEAM RULES ARE ALWAYS IN EFFECT, MOTHERFUCKER! YOU’RE IN MY RING!”
“Settle down, settle down. The Chair will allow Mr Gaetz’s time if you stop yelling. Mr. Gaetz?”
“I would like to speak about black unemployment, and how it’s been decimated by Donald Trump. I would also like to speak about Donald Trump’s penis, but not in a gay way. I will discuss it admiringly. I don’t want to stroke President Trump’s penis; I want to salute it. Maybe it should replace the bald eagle. Mr. Floyd, do you think President Trump’s penis should replace the bald eagle as our national bird?”
“I once again have no response to the question. I do wish you would take this more seriously.”
“Mr. Floyd, no one is more serious about the President’s penis than me. The size is great. Great! But it’s the proportions that give it beauty. The girth-to-length ratio, that sort of thing. His penis doesn’t have a weakness, let’s just say that. Officer Chauvin could’ve knelt on President Trump’s penis for a lot longer than nine minutes, I’ll tell you that.”
“Holy shit.”
“And now for the purposes of shits-and-giggles, I tag out to my distinguished colleague from Texas, Louis Gohmert.”
“Hot diggity!”
GUNSHOTS SIGNIFYING HAPPINESS NOISE
“Yahoo! Welcome to Louie Land, ya pole-smokin’ sumsabitches, ya!”
GAVEL NOISE!
“No! Absolutely not! I said no tag teaming!”
“Look around, Jewboy! Ev’rythin’s burnin’ an’ shit! Purge rules is in effect! Chaos reigns, Jewchacho!
“Oh, fine, fine, whatever. The Chair recognizes the Member from Texas, Mr. Gohmert, and simultaneously apologizes to Mr. Floyd for the upcoming stupid. Congressman Gohmert?”
“I have gotten my head stuck in a grocery bag!”
INTERN HELPING LOUIE GOHMERT REMOVE A GROCERY BAG FROM HIS HEAD NOISE
“There you is! Mr. Floyd, you said your first name was Philonise?”
“Yes.”
“That ain’t gonna work for me. You sound like a flavored topping, delicious and spicy. That absurd name o’ yours is makin’ my mouth water. I want you on top o’ my diablo sandwich. I’ll spread you all over my lunch, boy.”
“Watch it with the ‘boy’ shit.”
“TAZE THAT BLACK!”
BLACK NOT BEING TAZED NOISE
“I would now like t’ accuse the Congressional Police o’ bein’ in league with antifa. That black raised his voice t’ me, and yet was not immediately chastised by the authorities. What’s the use o’ givin’ out badges if blacks can yell at you? Mr. Floyd, you one o’ them antifas?”
“No.”
“Unclefa?”
“Not a thing.”
“Antido?”
“Huh?”
“Antire?”
“What?”
“Antimi?”
“Oh, I see what you’re doing. The musical notes. I get it.”
“Then explain it to me, Mr. Floyd! Because I am confused my external stimuli of all sorts! I am simply too thickheaded to understand the events going on around me! I wanna put the grocery sack back on!”
LOUIS GOHMERT REPLACING A GROCERY SACK ON HIS HEAD NOISE
“Chairman Nadler, can we take a break?”
“Good idea, Mr. Floyd. We will take ten minutes. The Democratic members will come to my office where we will listen to Aretha Franklin records real loud so that the press can hear it.”
GAVEL NOISE
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