Author: Thoughts On The Dead (Page 64 of 1031)

Americans could get a check for $1,000 or more in the coming weeks, as political leaders coalesce around a dramatic plan to try to prevent a worse recession and protect people from going bankrupt.

The idea took off Monday when Sen. Mitt Romney (R-Utah) called for every American adult to receive a $1,000 check “immediately” to help tide people over until other government aid can arrive. By Tuesday, there was bipartisan support for the idea, including from President Trump. The White House even suggested the amount could be over $1,000, an acknowledgment of how big the economic crisis is becoming. – “Americans Very Likely To Get Checks,” Washington Post, 3/18/20

Long time ago, some economist said When it gets bad enough, the government has to pay half the population to dig holes, and the other half to fill the holes back in. It has gotten that bad. It turns out that a society made of anchorites is not feasible at present, and everyone is gonna be skint real soon, so we’re all getting Trump Checks. (You know he’s gonna call ’em that, right?) Let me help you navigate the choppy waters of suddenly becoming a thousandaire:

DO Pay your bills first.
DON’T Pay Bill first. (Bill sells crystal meth and these little purple tablets that make you think you’re a de’Medici for ten hours. He calls them Renzos.)

DO Your spending locally.
DON’T Send the entire amount to a rando in Indonesia.

DO Stock up on non-perishable items, but don’t buy too much of one thing so that everyone can shop.
DON’T Let any motherfucker tell you that you can’t buy every can of chunk albacore in the Panhandle. God and the Constitution says no one can’t say different. Don’t you come back to this house without that trailer full of tuna, Johnny Earl. Hell, that’s why you bought the fucking trailer! It’s gonna happen, Lucy Jo! The Jews are gonna unleash the jewmonia or injewenza or whatever the fuck they call it, and you and me are gonna be tits-deep in tuna living the good life. That’s what you said! Well, here’s your big fucking chance, Johnny Earl.

DO Try to put a little bit away.
DON’T Go to Guitar Center and make it rain.

DO do do do do Heartbreaker.
DON’T do that. You said you wouldn’t do that.

DO do ron ron ron, do do ron ron.
DON’T be such an asshole all the time, okay? Why do we even go to Dr. Finkel if you’re not gonna put any effort into this relationship?

Do do do, de da da da, is all I want to–
DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE! NOT AFTER WHAT YOU DID TO MY COUSIN!

This is where I come in and call you an idiot.

Lately, yes. We seem to have established a rhythm.

How is this helping anyone? How is this being of service to the world?

I radiate beauty while all else festers and rots.

No you don’t.

Every fifth or sixth joke is kinda funny.

Closer to the truth.

Jezebel Why the coronavirus means that Elizabeth Warren must reenter the race.

National Review America’s best idea: privatized healthcare.

Reason Letting your (but not my) elderly loved ones die is the rational decision.

The Intercept Neo-liberalism: Still more dangerous than coronavirus.

Breitbart Somehow, this is black peoples’ fault

CNN In our studio is the chairman of epidemiology from Johns Hopkins, and the mayor of Buffalo Dick, Montana, who gets all his news from Facebook and sniffed a lot of glue as a kid, and we’ll be giving them equal time to speak.

Guns & Ammo We know we always say this, but: You should totally buy more guns & ammo right now.

People Magazine Sexiest Virus (Arguably) Alive 2020: Corona!

Daily Caller Why the scientifically correct term for the coronavirus is Slant-Eyed Pneumonia.

New York Times Opinion Section Maybe there’s a little Harvey Weinstein in all of us.

Cat Fancy Look at these fancy fucking cats. You ever seen cats this fucking fancy?

That’s not what “fancy” means in that context. 

Fanciest fuckers on four legs. Some of ’em got monocles.

You’ve completely lost your attention span, haven’t you?

That’s a ten-four, good buddy.

Thought so.

DON’T PANIC

Slow your roll, mojambo. Remember what Epictetus said: No, I don’t want any ribs. You’re thinking of Epicurus. 

ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE

As long as you’re staying home, you can’t be gang-raped in a pool hall. So there’s that.

HOBBIFY YOURSELF

That skill you’ve been meaning to acquire, that project you’ve needed time to complete: do it now. Unless the skill is “putting your fingers in strangers’ mouths.” Or the project is a performance piece entitled Putting my Fingers in Strangers’ Mouths #7. And if you live in an apartment building, you can’t take up archery. You simply gotta have open space for archery; it’s not a city sport.

But you could take up:

• Needlepoint.
• Crochet.
• Crotchet. (Crotcheting is crocheting, but you knit famous people’s genitals. Like the Plaster Casters, but cuddlier.)
• Fusion cuisine.
• Fission cuisine. (Much more powerful flavors.)
• Allowing your wife, Kay, to ask you about your business just this once.
• Finding out who Dascha Polanco is. (I know that there is a human named “Dascha Polanco.” She is a woman, and a young person. Beyond that, I can say no more. How she became known to me is a question for the ages. All I know of Dascha Polanco is that she is, and that is all. I think she’s ethnic.)
• What if you could taxidermy, like, someone’s soul, man?
• 3D printing. (Growth market.)
• Coffin-building. (Gonna be a growth market.)
• 3D printing coffins. (Insert Galaxy Mind meme here.)
• The yoga of the 80’s, jazzercise.
• Lollygagging. (When was the last time you lollygagged? Just gagged the living fuck out of your lolly? You owe it to yourself, mojambo.)

Stop addressing the reader as “mojambo.” It’s weird and maybe racist.

I’ve told you a million times: do not ripcord me out of the Bullet Points format.

The nice people who read this are freaked out and need a laugh. And this is what you give them? Lollygagging jokes?

It is an inherently comedic word.

You’re an abhorrently pathetic worm.

Don’t be pissy just because the XFL got cancelled.

I loved that hard-hitting, fast-paced action!

I know, buddy.

You wanna go back to your little jokes?

Let’s move on.

Let’s.