“Good afternoon. I’m Katy Tur, and welcome to Katy Tur Live. 2020 is only three days old, and already Australia has burned to a crisp, Trey has been stuck on a platform, and America has launched airstrikes against Iranian militias operating inside Iraq. At this pace, we’ll all be living in a Cormac McCarthy novel by March. With me to discuss the surprise military attacks is the Secretary of State, Mike Pompeo.”
“Thank you for having me, Katy. Y’know, we could have gotten your little hippie friend out of the rigging.”
“Without killing him?”
“Oh.”
…
“No.”
“Secretary, on Thursday, the United States launched a drone-based attack against one of Iran’s top leaders, Qasem Soleimani, killing him along with several other high-ranking Iranian military commanders.”
“Was it Thursday? Felt like a Monday. I got no idea what day it is.”
“Yes, it was Thursday.”
“You sure? You start new things on a Monday. Diets, exercise routines, world wars: those are Monday kinda deals.”
“Thursday, sir. Can you give us some background on the decision to kill Soleimani?”
“Sure. Bad guy! Who was the last one we blew up, Bababooey?”
“Al-Baghdadi.”
“Right, that guy. Well, Soleimani was much, much worse. Responsible for up to 50,000 American deaths.”
“Excuse me? Are you blaming the Iranian general for the murder of 50,000 Americans?”
“Up to. Up to 50,000. Somewhere from zero to 50,000.”
“Ah.”
“This sucker was a bad mammajamma. World’s a better-off place with him dead. Real mean dude, Katy. Hated America almost as much as the Democrats do. Actually, I don’t know about that. Soleimani never tried to stage a fake impeachment.”
“Mm-hmm. When was the order given to take him out?”
“Funny story about that: President Trump polled the room at Mar-a-Lago on New Year’s. It was unanimous.”
“Wait, let me get this straight. The buffet line at President Trump’s golf club was consulted, but the Senate was not?”
“Lindsey Graham was there. And so was Lou Dobbs, who’s pretty much a Senator at this point.”
“He is not.”
“He looks like a Senator, though. Gotta give the Dobbinator that. If you were making a movie and needed a guy to play a U.S. Senator, you’d call Big Lou.”
“That doesn’t make any of this all right, Secretary.”
“Katy, we have high-level intelligence that Soleimani was planning something.”
“Planning what?”
“Something. Something bad. Not just hinky, but real bad. Like, you’d remember where you were when it happened.”
“Okay. What?”
“Oh, God, it was gonna be awful. Dead kids everywhere. White kids, Katy. The kids that matter.”
“A terrorist attack on American soil?”
“Maaaaaaaaybe. Definitely possible. Absolutely foreseeable. What did Bob Dylan say about weathermen and wind?”
“Leave Dylan out of this, please. Secretary, was there a concrete plan to harm Americans?”
“Lemme put it this way: if he didn’t want to kill Americans, then why was his name Qasem?”
“Wow.”
“Can’t answer that, huh?”
“Secretary, what is our next step?”
“After this, I’m gonna do another interview on Fox News.”
“I meant for the country.”
“Katy, what President Trump has done by launching attacks is to guarantee peace. You see, President Trump understands the Iranians. Far better than Barack Obama did, even though he was born there.”
“He wasn’t.”
“No one wants war, which is why we had to start one.”
“Excuse me?”
“It’s like when our brave firefighters combat the wildfires out west. They’ll light a small blaze to burn out the fuel in the larger fire’s path. The upcoming war with Iran can only be prevented by the current war with Iran.”
“That makes no sense.”
“You have to spend money to make money.”
“Nope. That saying does not apply here in any way.”
“Gotta be cruel to be kind.”
“Also not applicable.”
“Katy, the fact that President Trump has not received the Nobel Peace Prize for this merely points out the communism and hatred of the selection committee.”
“It only happened 36 hours ago.”
“Special award. They should have reconvened for a special session and given it to him.”
“Secretary, I am still failing to see how assassinating a foreign leader will lead to peace.”
“Oh, I don’t like the word ‘assassination.'”
“What would you call it?”
“Explosively demoted.”
“You did not demote General Soleimani.”
“He was turned into motes. Okay, fine: we explosively moted him. And the Iranians are thrilled.”
“They are not.”
“I have been on the phone all day with Iranians. Most of ’em like to be called Persians, but they’re really Iranians. Anyhoo, they were on board. You know the Iron Sheik?”
“The wrestler?”
“Real bright guy. Couldn’t thank me enough for killing Soleimani. Kept calling him a jabroni. Great word. That was a fun call.”
“Secretary, it truly does not matter what professional wrestlers think about the administration’s actions in Iraq. I return to an earlier question: what is the plan now?”
“We’re gonna keep de-escalating the situation, no matter how many missiles we have to launch to do it.”
“I need to go to a commercial before my head explodes.”
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