Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Author: Thoughts On The Dead (Page 85 of 1031)

The Grate Gatsby

December 31, 2019 / / 3 Comments

Hey, Bobby.

“You watching Splosh?”

Phish.

“Yeah, them. They’re, uh, like the Dead without the dead people.”

Kinda. You excited for your New Year’s Eve show?

“Oh, sure. Been drinking champagne all day. Well, not champagne. Pinot blanc mixed with lime Claws.”

That sounds disgusting.

“The first six or seven don’t taste so good, no.”

It should be cool to have everyone dressed up like it was the 1920’s.

“1920’s? No. 1620’s.”

What now?

“Everyone’s getting the plague. Bill Walton’s gonna infect everyone. We even got him one of those scary bird masks. Tough to find in his size.”

Sounds fun.

“Fitting end to the year.”

You’re not wrong.

Lesser-Known Phish Songs

December 31, 2019 / / 4 Comments
  • Minestrone Tony & the Michigan Fricassee.
  • Bloopango.
  • Simmering Dustmop.
  • Caribou Cafeteria.
  • The Reason I Slapped You Is Because You Look Portuguese.
  • Inky, Blinky, Pinky, and Cheesesteak.
  • Smack You in the Nuts With a Calendar.
  • Limpopo Shellacking.
  • Zebras Have Secrets.
  • Dopplegangbang.
  • Fluffy Dracula Pasta.
  • The Blacksmith’s Bunions.
  • The Hottest Wife On Saturn.
  • Sclurp!
  • Gimme Brine Shrimp.

They All Look Alike To Me

December 31, 2019 / / 5 Comments

Hey, Bobby.

“Y’ever just get tired of white people?”

All the time.

“Usually doesn’t happen to me. I dunno if you’ve noticed, but I’m white as hell.”

Sure.

“And most of my day is spent amongst my, uh, fellow crackers.”

I would imagine.

“It’s not on purpose. There’s no door policy, obviously.”

Obviously.

“Just happenstance. Stances happen, and it’s no one’s fault.”

Blame lands on no shoulders.

“Speaking of which…”

Your shoulder hurt?

“I got nothing to do this afternoon, so: yeah, why not?”

Have fun.

Randy, Rainbow

December 30, 2019 / / 0 Comments

“Seeing this new chick.”

“Yeah?”

“Yuh-huh. She’s just like a rainbow.”

“How so?”

“She combs her hair.”

…

“And?”

“That’s it. She combs her hair, which makes her rainbowesque.”

“All women comb their hair.”

“Not bald chicks.”

“Well, no, obviously not bald chicks. But, like, 99% of women comb their hair.”

“Not like my girl does. She picks up that comb and BAM rainbow.”

“That makes no sense.”

“Jealous.”

“No.”

“You can’t stand that I’m happy.”

“That’s not it.”

“SHE COMBS HER HAIR AND SHE IS SPECTRAL!”

“‘Spectral’ does not mean ‘relating to a spectrum.’ It means–”

MULTIPLE STABBING NOISES!

…

“She’s also my little rock and roll.”

“Is she…cough…a rainbow, or is she–”

YET MORE STABBING NOISES!

 

Easy, Wind

December 30, 2019 / / 1 Comment

Precarious?

“Yo.”

That doesn’t look sturdy.

“The speakers?”

Yeah.

“Good eye. Not sturdy. Virtually no sturd at all. Sturdless, really.”

I just feel like the base of the structure should be wider for how high it is, and how much those speakers probably weigh.

“Good feeling. You’re batting a thousand.”

Was there any discussion within the Road Crew as to bolstering the towers?

“Little bit. Ramrod said something.”

And?

“We all called him a word you keep you telling me I’m not allowed to use anymore.”

Ah.

“Fag.”

We all knew what the word was.

“So what you see there is the architectural definition of ‘the least we could do.’ Maybe we could done less in a moral or mathematical sense, but architecturally? That’s rock bottom. Remove one piece and it all falls down. I’m kinda proud of us.

You shouldn’t be.

“And you shouldn’t be such a pussy, but here we are.”

Bobble Of The Network Stars

December 30, 2019 / / 0 Comments

Hey, Bobby. Whatcha doing?

“I’ve signed to do a sitcom.”

No, you haven’t.

“Yuh-huh. The, uh, fellows from Long Strange Trip brought me the project. I play the road manager of a fresh-faced young jam band, Mister Blister and the Sister Kissers.”

That’s a terrible name.

“That’s just for the pilot. They change their name each episode. It’s what we call a ‘running gag’ in the comedy business.”

You are not in the comedy business.

“I’m always telling ’em stories about the old days. See, my character used to road manage Molly Hatchett, and folks would always ask, ‘Where’s Molly?’ I got some great lines like that.”

This show is a figment of your white-wine-and-valium-addled mind.

“And there’s a green spaceman. Tiny little guy. He, uh, grants wishes like a genie.”

That’s the Great Gazoo, Bobby. You’re talking about The Flintstones.

“We already shot the Bottle Episode. The, uh, youngsters get stuck in a jam for a half-hour.

Nope.

“Originally, my character’s name was gonna be Topeka Tony, but they changed it to ‘Bobby’ because I wouldn’t respond otherwise.”

Okay, that sounds right, but the rest of it is made up.

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