The past happened so very long ago.
And now we are so old.
Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
Author: Thoughts On The Dead (Page 91 of 1031)
“Hey, Jer.”
“Yeah, Weir?”
“Gendarme’s got your arm.”
“Good one, man.”
“Y’know, in addition to looking nifty, the Eiffel Tower is also the tallest FM radio transmitter in Europe.”
“Y’don’t say.”
“Oh, yeah. I don’t know any of the deejays over here, though.”
“Wolfman Jack’s Gallic cousin, Wolfman Jacques.”
“I bet he plays a lot of Johnny Hallyday.”
“Give the people what they want, man. Especially if they’re French, or they’ll chop your head off.”
“They’re, uh, easily-riled folks. Historically speaking.”
“Historically speaking.”
“Jer?”
“Yuh-huh?”
“I just realized that this is where they film Superman II eight years from now.”
“Weir?”
“Yuh-huh?”
“Don’t say stuff like that out loud around civilians, man.”
“Sure.”
You know your little obsessions bore everyone, right?
Fuck ’em.
Good attitude.
Fun fact for all you New York kids: Smiling Boy next to Robert Klein is longtime WNEW deejay Dennis Elsas.
Less fun fact: ELLEN FOLEY GOT SCREWED.
Obvious fact: The guy with the beard is from the record company. Any time you see a picture of Rock Stars and there’s a guy with a beard, he’s from the record company.
Temporal non-fact: Y’think it’s 1:13 in the afternoon or morning? (My guess is afternoon; everyone looks sober.)
“Where your scrumptious little guitarist?”
“Ronno? He’s avoiding you. Fred, dear, you mustn’t be so forward with the lad. He’s from Hull. They don’t have homosexuals there.”
“Tosh. I was being friendly.”
“You flat-out asked if you could see his todger.”
“Did I? Sometimes, I get away from myself at parties, darling. Tell Veronica I apologize.”
“And he really doesn’t like it when you call him ‘Veronica.”
“Oh, he’s just no fun at all.”
Three thoughts:
- Glam is great. Prog is wonderful. You can’t fucking mix them.
- The guys in the band who aren’t the two you noticed are named Ian Hampton, Trevor White, and Dinky Diamond, which your editor would make you change for being “too British” if you were writing a satirical novel.
- Hitler.
Hey, Bobby. Whatcha doing?
“I’m going hog-wild. Halfway to banging my head.”
Oh, don’t do that.
“And, uh, I might jump at the end of the song. That’s a primo Rock Star move. You know how that one goes.”
I do.
“Requires a buy-in from your drummer. Everyone’s gotta be onboard with the end-of-song jump. Otherwise, you look like…what’s that word your people love?”
Schmuck.
“There ya go. Y’look like a schmuck. First rule of Rock n’ Roll: Don’t look like a schmuck. No, wait. The first rule is: Always assume she’s got the Clap. Second rule is the schmuck thing. Another good Rock Rule is not to leave your female band members alone with the promoter. Especially if you’re in Buffalo.”
These are all good rules, Bobby.
“Without them, we are merely animals.”
True.
“Question.”
I have absolutely no idea who the people you’re playing with are.”
“All right, then.”
In honor of Little Richard’s 87th birthday, TotD proudly re-presents the single cocainiest performance ever captured on film. (With a special appearance by Little Richard’s potato salad!)
“Boppy Doodle.”
What now?
“The, uh, Scooby Babble. That band you like now.”
Mott The Hoople.
“Sure, okay. Punkers?”
No.
“Heavy mental?”
How have you not heard of Mott The Hoople? You’re in the same business as them.
“Well, no one opens for us, so we don’t get to meet a lot of the other groups on the road. And, uh, we don’t hang out at the Rainbow.”
You guys never did.
“Can you keep a secret?”
Sure.
“They wouldn’t let us in.”
The Rainbow wouldn’t let the Grateful Dead in?
“They said we were the wrong type of Rock Star. Lemmy gave us the finger.”
I’m sorry you had to go through that.
“It hurt a little bit. Phil really wanted to hang out with Harry Nilsson.”
Tough one.
“Right. So, yeah, we were in a bit of a bubble when it came to our peers in the music industry. Also, you know, a lot of people stayed the hell away from us.”
Because you used to drug strangers.
“Yeah. We did that a lot.”
Jaco on bass.
Aynsley Dunbar on drums.
David Sanborn on sax.
Freddie, Brian, and Roger from Queen doing the backing vocals.
Billie Eilish has not heard of any of these people.
(EDITOR’S NOTE: The lovely chaps at Omnibus Press have sent me copies of Ian Hunter’s Diary of a Rock Star and Ian Hunter’s biography Rock ‘n’ Roll Sweepstakes by Campbell Devine, so it’s gonna be both Mottesque and Hooplish around here for a while. You’re free to wander off and check back in a couple days; I wont hold it against you.)
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