Brent?

Hey, David Lemieux, super-archivist extraordinaire. Whatcha doing?

“Being outside. Rubbing up against strange creatures. Getting sneezed on again and again. You know, the little things that make life worth living and that will surely always be easily accessible.”

Uh-huh. When are you?

“Summer of ’19.”

Ah. Enjoy it.

“If you can keep a secret, I’m kinda taking it all for granted.”

DON’T DO THAT! SAVOR THE CROWDS, MAN!

…

“Don’t yell at me.”

Sorry. Hey, I got the new June ’76 box set.

“You bought the new box set?”

I obtained it. Why do we have to go through this every time? It is now in my possession.

“Gotcha. In Canada, we call that ‘stealing.’ What do you cal it down there?”

Oh, it’s also called stealing here, but Purge Rules are in effect in Florida right now. We’re very much in an “every meth-head for himself” moment.

“That bad, huh?”

Some states are worse than others. Our governor is one of those “personal liberty” guys. He believes people should make their own decisions about their health.

“I think I see the flaw in his belief system.”

People are idiots?

“I didn’t wanna say it. Seemed rude.”

Never rude to tell the truth. So, anyway: loved the box set. Sounds so crisp, I call it Quentin.

“Thanks. We worked really hard on it.”

Liked everything about it. The music, the packaging. The liner notes.

“Ah, Jeez, not this again.”

CELL PHONE NOISE

“I don’t deserve one of these calls.”

Do you not, David Lemieuxnovermyhammy? Do you not?

“No.”

…

No, you probably don’t, but we’re locked in to the bit.

CELL PHONE NOISE

Pick up the phone.

“I’m cross with you.”

…

“David Lemieux! Who are you?”

“Hello, Dave Pick. Motherland need you.”

“Is this Putin?”

“Da.”

“How’d you get this number?”

“I am Putin.”

“Yeah, okay.”

“You come to Moscow, Dave Pick. Ve are close to miracle drug for corona.”

“Why do you need me?”

“Scientists vere very unorganized. Write things down on napkin. Most files just chucked into boxes. Ve need archivist.”

“I don’t know about all that, Mr. Putin. Is it just ‘Mr. Putin?’ What do I call you?”

“Boss.”

“See, I’ve got a job already. And I don’t wanna go to Moscow. I really like where I live. There’s fish and moose and bears, and I just love it here.”

“Your bear is little bear. Russia has best bear. Russia is known for bear. Vhen someone say ‘Russia,’ you think ‘bear.’ Canadian bear is nyet good bear. Veak bear.”

“I’m gonna have to go ahead and disagree with you there, if you don’t mind. Canadian bears are incredible animals.”

“Nyet. They are like big raccoons. Are sissy bears that eat from garbage. Russian bears nyet eat from garbage. Have inner dignity gained through suffering.”

“Can’t join you. Just can’t agree with you. Sorry, but I can’t. I won’t let my bears down.”

“Ve stage bear fight.”

“Oh, no. Let’s not do that.”

“Da. Vill happen. Now Putin vants to see. Putin is bored in Kremlin, anyway.”

“You watch Tiger King?”

“I’m Putin, not dead. Of course I vatch Joe Exotic. Ve make bears fight in honor of Joe. He is disgusting homosexual, but he is also brave tiger varrior and great songwriter. Maybe I should tell Dummy to pardon him.”

“What?”

“Nothing, nothing. Is settle: Dave Pick come to Moscow, ve have bear fight on internet.”

“Mr. Putin, I really can’t.”

thwip

FLUMP

“Oh my God, someone just blow-darted the guy in the mascot costume!”

“Da. Putin did this.”

“Why?”

“Because is fun being Putin. Men come get you in ten minutes. Please nyet to be struggling.”

DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES NO LONGER DO THAT

…

“Umm…”

Dave?

“David. And, uh, what just happened?”

You got a job. And an invitation to a sporting event.

“I didn’t ask for any of that.”

None of us asked for any of this, buddy. And yet: here we are.

“Are men really coming for me?”

Yes. Nyet to be struggling.