- Wear pants.
- Have hair.
- Rock.
- Answer baseball trivia.
Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
Category: Uncategorized (Page 63 of 1031)
This is the Dead, man
I’d know that sound anywhere
Cover didn’t lie
In Seventy-Six,
The Dead played in this fashion
On occasion, that
A frog’s lilypad
Couldn’t ever support Phil
Phil is far too large
Summer winds whistle
Hot and funky up in here
Garcia is ripe
Jesus Christ, stop writing haiku. You’re terrible at it.
I also don’t enjoy creating them. Everyone lost here.
That kinda week.
Yeah.
I’ll give you a hundred dollars if we don’t have to talk about your clothes.
“But I want to! And, honestly, a hundred dollars is nothing to me. My socks cost a grand.”
Your socks cost a grand?
“Each.”
Wow.
“Socks are far more labor-intensive than you’d think. It’s the stretch-to-cling ratio that gets you.”
I’d rather talk about the pandemic.
“And not my shoes? I’d really like to talk about my shoes.”
They look like something a stroke victim who’d only partially regained control of his hands would wear.
“Exactly. This is from Visvim’s 2011 line entitled ‘Gnarled Tree.’ They took inspiration from clothes for disabled people. Velcro and snaps instead of buttons, drawstrings instead of zippers, pants with loose asses so you can fit a diaper under ’em. One of the high points from the House, I believe.”
Uh-huh.
CELL PHONE NOISE
I told you I didn’t wanna talk about your clothes.
“Dick.”
Yeah.
…
“You’re on with John.”
“Hold on, bitch. I gotta tell this motherfucker to suck my dick.”
“Suck my dick, motherfucker. Okay, I’m back.”
“Miles, I told you to stop calling. We’re through. You hurt me too badly. And you also murdered me.”
“We gonna start over I won’t murder you no more.”
“Miles–”
“Less you use the tone of voice you about to use. Then I’ll shoot you right the fuck in your face.”
“–this isn’t going to work out. Neither of us is gay, and you died in 1991.”
“Love finds a way. Grease yourself up.”
DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES NO LONGER DO THAT
“Goddammit.”
Uh-huh.
“Thank you, thank you. This is not a great room, so that makes it okay for the press, because the press isn’t great, either. I just got off the phone with so many Senators. I probably talked to more Senators than any President in history, and it was like nothing. Nothing. I just did it. Incredible. I talked to Chuck Schumer, who I’ve known for a very long time, and used to be much nicer, but we had the most wonderful conversation. The Democrats want to make a deal, and I was so happy about that, because everyone wants a deal. I talked to Senator McConnell, too, but it wasn’t as much fun.
“The Chinese virus which came from China has come here from China. The Communist Chinese leaders lied about their virus, and maybe made it by accident, or maybe not by accident, you never know but I have a feeling. Seems like something they’d do. Us, we’re John Wayne. You remember John Wayne, great cowboy. So tall, strong. He’d walk right up to you like a man, but the Chinese do that ninja thing. They sneak up on you like a dog. And then they eat the dog.
“And they say I’m not supposed to say that! Everybody tells me that, but I gotta tell the truth. Jim Brown is a friend of mine. You know Jim Brown, running back, actor, one of the all-time greats, Jim Brown. Mr. President, don’t say the Chinese eat dogs. I know it’s true, but the terrible, vicious, lying media will just twist your words around and accuse you being racist. And he’s right! Jim Brown is right! Tremendous running back. Just exploded through the line, very brutal. A great black. He agrees with me about the Chinese.
“We’ll also be closing down the Southern border, because sometimes the Chinese virus is also the Mexican virus. You have to admit, it’s a very Mexican virus. Once you get a good look at it, you can see a certain Mexican-ness about it. I have a good eye for that sort of thing. I take a look, bim bam bop, I know if a disease is Mexican. And this one? Maybe a little bit. Maybe a little bit Mexican.
“Mike’s gonna talk now, and then I’ll take some questions, which I’m sure will be nasty and dumb. Mike?”
“Right here, sir.”
“Mike?”
“Do we have to do this bit every time?”
…
“Mike?”
“Mr. President, I’ll just begin praising you in the hopes of attracting your attention at some point during my homage. Your bold and zesty leadership has energized the country and the world. Small children and weak men burst into tears at your presence, overcome with emotion. Throughout this great nation, our citizens sleep peacefully and soundly knowing that your steady hand was on the wheel. You cast out the serpents of doubt like a modern St. Patrick. We are all moons, sir, and you the sun: ours is reflection, but yours is radiance. May I dance for you?”
“Later. Maybe later we’ll get to the dancing. Where’s Chad? Chad Wolf is doing the most beautiful job over at Homeland Security. He’s really working so hard and so well and getting so much done. Chad?”
“Mr. President, I want to kill for you. Empower me to do so! I see your enemies and they are foul creatures that the world would be better off without. Grant me just a sliver of your nigh-omnipotence and I shall slay these vermin. Let me teach them to love you.”
“So great. What a spectacular statement. Great work Chad. Alex Azar from Health & Human Services is here, and everyone will tell you that America’s got some of the healthiest humans anyone’s ever seen, so Alex must be doing a great job.”
“Thank you, President Trump. I’ve written an acrostic about you. T is for toughness, and you’re the toughest dude in the room no matter what room it is. R is for Rambo, who you remind everyone of. U is for unparalleled leadership. M is for Melania, the gorgeous and accomplished First Lady. P is for President, and that’s you because you beat Hillary.”
“That was very impressive. America’s gonna make it through this because of men like you, Alex. Although it was me who appointed you, so I should get a little bit of the credit. Okay, I’m gonna take questions. Yeah, Kaitlin.”
“Sir, you mentioned your call with Senator Schumer. He says you’ve agreed to invoke the Defense Production Act. Is that what you’re doing?’
“We love that, the Defense Act. It’s a huge, huge act that gives the President an unbelievable set of powers. Mind-boggling. You look at it and it’s like, Whoa. And I’m not a guy who says ‘Whoa’ a lot. Very rarely, as a matter of fact. Maybe it’s because I don’t ride horses. You know: giddyup, whoa, all that horse crap.”
“How are you using the DPA, sir?”
“We’re using for the masks. The states are having such a hard time getting the masks, but I had such a perfect meeting with all the Governors the other day, maybe yesterday. Yesterday or the day before. We did it on the video. Usually, they would come to Washington, but we had to do a video because of the Hong Kong Fluey. I forgot to tell you: We’re calling it ‘Hong Kong Fluey’ now.”
“I’m not calling it that.”
“You’re a disgrace. Next question. Steve?”
“Mr. President, yesterday you mentioned hydroxychloroquine as a possible prophylaxis against Covid-19.”
“High.”
FINGER JAB NOISE
“Droxy.”
FINGER JAB NOISE
“Chloro.”
FINGER JAB NOISE
“Quine.”
FINGER JAB NOISE
FINGER JAB NOISE
“It’s some of the most powerful stuff out there. They used to use it for malaria, but it works for this, too. And it’s a miracle drug that’s just sitting there. It’s like mother’s milk. That’s what so many doctors, top ones, they all say to me. A lot depends of the prescription. Sometimes it’s not so much the drug as it is the prescription, and we have the FDA working on that. It’s a very strong drug.”
“Dr. Fauci, may I ask you if you agree with President Trump?”
“There is no evidence to suggest that hydroxychloroquine is an effective treatment for Covid-19.”
“But I’m a fan. I’m just really a big fan, and I have a feeling about this drug. It must be great: how many people do you know with malaria? My plan is that we’re gonna give it out, maybe not to everyone, but enough. Enough people will get it and, of course, the weather’s getting warmer, and that’s gonna wipe out maybe 80% of the virus. Some people are saying 90%, but let’s for now say 80%. Next question. Peter?”
“Mr. President, what do you say to Americans out there who are scared?”
“I would say to them that you’re a creep. Hey, you scared? Peter’s a giant creep. The guy really sucks. That’s what I’d tell them.”
“That’s unnecessary.”
“No one has ever managed a pandemic as well as me. I was using that term way before anyone else, too. No one said ‘pandemic’ until I said it. Maybe I invented the word? I don’t know, I don’t know. A lot of people are saying I invented the word ‘pandemic.'”
“You did not invent the word ‘pandemic,’ Mr. President.”
“I want Peter infected. Get the Secret Service, have them find a sicky, and rub him on Peter.”
“Really, sir?”
EXEUNT
Buy a guitar! Sure, it’s not the model Garcia used (briefly), just the entry-level variant with a Wolf sticker slapped on, but you could play Louie, Louie on it, and that’s what matters in a guitar.
Look at some art! When was the last time you bettered yourself, you baboon? Go look at art, and do it right: stand in front of your computer with your arms crossed, nod at the image a couple times, move on, thank the docent, buy a panini for $8.
Read the great Jesse Jarnow! He’s writing about Bill Graham, too. Jesse’s stuff is great even when it’s about shit I don’t care about, or actively despise, so when he writes about a guy I love it’s just gnarly.
Spend $350 on a box of chocolate some asshole slapped a Stealie on! Remember when that other asshole slapped a Stealie on a blanket and charged three grand? This is worse. Why? Well, first of all: a blanket is inherently more valuable than a small supply of snacks. Well-made blanket will keep you warm for decades; chocolate gets et up right quick.
Also, the asshole selling the blanket didn’t do this:
He just draped the blanket on a hottie and called it a day, which is a more honest form of marketing.
You can get through this, Andy Cohen. The Real Housewives need a firm hand, Andy; without you, they’d run wild and no one would be safe. How can we Watch What Happens Live if you’re dead? Think of the Vanderpumps!
Besides, wouldn’t this be a low-rent way to go? People as rich as you don’t die from coronavirus, they die from misadventure, or boredom, or at age 93, or from being poisoned by a scheming relative. This is a hamburger death, Andy. You can afford steak.
Take two of anything and a glazed donut; call John Mayer in the morning. You can do it.
Always cheers me up.
Play along at home with your favorite intoxicant, unless you’re sober, in which case I have no idea what to do with you. I’m certainly not making it through this without some help.
SIP/SMALL TOKE:
- Phil’s glorious Viking beard makes its first appearance.
- Happy Hairy Hippy lip syncs to U.S. Blues.
- Bill Graham yells at someone in Yiddish.
- Hells Angel spotting.
GULP/LARGE, POWERFUL, AMERICAN BONG HIT
- Keith gets a close-up.
- Gas party scene.
- OSHA regulations are laughed at/ignored/do not exist in 1974.
- The thought “How the fuck did this animation cost $250,000” enters your head unbidden.
FINISH YOUR DRINK/BOWL
- Any non-white person is on screen.
- That guy accuses the Dead of selling out.
- Stock footage of Pigpen.
- John Perry Barlow shows up in his cowboy hat.
- Billy is revealed to be Palpatine’s second cousin by marriage.
The Feature: The Grateful Dead Movie, released in 1977 and directed by Jerry Garcia and Leon Gast.
The Place: the internet (Amazon Prime)/your couch.
The Time: 9 pm ET/6 pm PT. (Figure out Central and Mountain yourselves.)
The Twitter Hashtag: #coronacouchtour
Be there or be infected.
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