Is that a puppy?

“It is.”

A puppy-wuppy?

“He’s wuppish, I’ll give you that.”

How many dogs is this?

“Well, I got the fluffy one and she’s great. She’s one of the mixes. Snickerdoodle.”

Nope.

“Toasterstroodle.”

Similarly delicious, similarly wrong.

“You know the one. White. Dog-sized.”

Yes, Bobby. Your dog.

“She’s a good dog. Top to bottom, but she’s too damn friendly. The youngest girl is gonna be going away to school soon, and my wife–”

Natasha Monster.

“–is gonna be alone in the house. So, uh, this here’s an ass-biting dog.”

German Shepherds are sticklers about protecting their people.

“Oh, yeah. Roman legions used to sic ’em on barbarians. German Shepherd doesn’t like you, it’ll let you know about it.”

You’re a good husband, Bobby.

“Sure, sure. Plus, you know, I got double the amount of dogs now. There’s nothing but upside here for me.”

Congratulations.