“Good afternoon. I’m Katy Tur and you’re watching Katy Tur Live on MSNBC. You could find a lake and shit in it, but no: you’re watching MSNBC. Today’s guest is the former Vice-President of the United States Joe Biden. Thank you for being here, sir.”
“No problem, Katy. First off: great sweater. Really shows off your personality.”
“Thank you. Mr. Vice-President, you recently appeared at a forum in Las Vegas where you were questioned on your stance towards marijuana legalization.”
“Wild town, Vegas. They go all night.”
“Could you clarify your opinions for me, sir?”
“Go in the summer. People think it’s too hot, but it can’t be too hot for me. Love that weather. I go in July, sit out at the cabana.”
“Not your opinions about Las Vegas, sir. Will the Biden Administration legalize marijuana at the federal level?”
“Hold your horses, little missy. Put the brakes on. We don’t wanna go passing out marijuana to fifth-graders.”
“No one does.”
“We had a guy back home in Scranton, used to play the trombone with bands. Called him Potto. Always high like a kite, stumbling around, real sloppy guy. Turns out he had a thing for kids. The whole neighborhood found out at once. It was a real different time back then. They found a whole bag full of reefer in his apartment. Maybe that’s what made him do those things.”
“Are you suggesting some sort of link between cannabis and child molestation?”
“It is a gateway drug, Katy. First, you smoke a little hash, then you shoot a bit of dope, and then you touch a kid.”
“That is entirely wrong, sir. I cannot allow that statement to stand unchallenged. Either produce evidence for your claim or retract it.”
“I’m not saying everyone touches kids.”
“Sir.”
“It’s happened. Individuals have lived through that particular progression before. Not all. I’ll give you ‘not all.’ Maybe not even a lot. But it’s happened.”
“Are you saying you do not favor legalization?”
“What do we really know about marijuana, Katy? Is it a trick? What are its effects on scoliosis? Can it be reasoned with, or intimidated? I spent four decades in the United States Senate, and I wanna know just what marijuana’s capabilities are. The ins, the outs, really get under the hood. Evidence, Katy. When it comes to marijuana, we need more evidence.”
“You’re saying there should be more research?”
“I wanna see more science. I always wanna see more science. Every morning, Helen–that’s my girl, Helen, you’ve talked to Helen–says, ‘Whaddya want today, boss?’ and I say, ‘Bring me the science!’ I yell it. I love doing the business of America.”
“So you would remove marijuana from the DEA’s list of Schedule I drugs, allowing it to be tested more openly?”
“Katy, that list is the worst of the worst. Real bad hombres. You got your heroin, and you get addicted to that. You run around on the streets like a nut, maybe you got a knife. It’s no way to live, and that’s our family. We love them, but it’s no way to live. LSD is on there, too. Hippies called it acid, and it’s still around, and it is still a rotten apple. Don’t bite it! Acid messes up your mind, and a lot of people never come back. Happened to a guy from my fraternity. Real sharp guy, bright, going places. He took acid. Stabbed people! We can’t have that.”
“Mr. Vice-President, marijuana is provably safer than either heroin or LSD.”
“And ecstasy. That’s a new one. That’s the rave drug. I’ve seen pictures of these parties. Women wear outfits like you wouldn’t believe. Big furry boats, goggles, it’s a wild look. Kills thousands a year. Very dangerous, just like pot.”
“No, sir, ecstasy does not kill thousands a year.”
“Mowing down the dance floor, Katy. It’s underreported how many teens are dying from this stuff. Good teens, not just black kids.”
“Wow.”
“And when I hear that people are waving the flag for forced marijuana–”
“No one is for that.”
“–it gooses my pimples. Gooses ’em good.”
“Your pimples and their goositude notwithstanding.”
“What if the pot is laced? Pushers will do that sometimes. They lace the pot.”
“Very rare, sir.”
“I saw Denzel do it. He was a cop. Remember? He was corrupt, but he was so cool. I’m bigger than King Kong! What was the name of it? Him and a white kid, and he makes the kid smoke the wet. Denzel had made the pot ‘wet pot’ and he freaks out. They’re in Denzel’s great car and he’s training–Oh, it’s called Training Day. Right. That makes sense. But, yeah, Denzel makes him smoke the wet, and it just went terribly for the poor soul.”
“It was an excellent film.”
“So maybe that’s what happens? I legalize marijuana, and then someone makes the pot wet?”
“All of it?”
“You never know. Great movie, though. Who’s that guy in it? The one with no body fat?”
“Scott Glenn.”
“He’s great. Been in a lot of westerns. That guy can ride a horse.”
“Sir, you’re losing focus.”
“Katy, lose that sweater.”
“We’ll be right back.”
“No problem, Katy. First off: great sweater. Really shows off your personality.”
I’m glad to see you have your Biden down cold.
“It LITERALLY kills thousands a year.”