John, Gayer

What are you doing?

“I now have a ward.”

Oh, come on. Don’t Robin anyone.

“Too late. Threw his parents off a trapeze and now he’s mine. That’s how it works.”

It isn’t. Who is this?

“Shawn Mendes. You should check out some of his music.”

I won’t. Is he, like, your Mini-Me?

“I don’t know what you mean.”

He looks like you, but younger.

“I’m still young.”

For a tree. Or a tortoise. Or a Highlander. You’re practically a baby by Highlander standards. But for a person? Nah. Solidly middle-aged.

“Dude, ripped jeans.”

So?

“That means young! Look at the vitality pouring through the holes! ‘Hey, look at that guy with the ripped jeans. I bet he doesn’t follow rules.’ That’s me.”

Did they tear on their own?

“Shit, no. I have a guy.”

You have a guy just to distress your trousers?

“You don’t?”

Josh, you can tell me: are you having an Age of Twinks?

“I don’t know what you mean.”

Really?

“Absolutely.”

“I can explain.”

Go ahead.

“It’s not gay if the guy is pretty like a girl.”

That’s not how it works.

“It’s not gay if you’re a better bowler than he is.”

That makes no sense.

“It’s not gay if they’re British.”

…

Okay, that’s true.

“Dude, you don’t understand what it’s like to be me. Can I confess something to you?”

Sure.

“I’m tired of the puss.”

You’re tired of the puss?

“The puss is passe.”

Passe puss?

“2018 is all about the sack.”

Not the dong?

“Maybe if you’re in Tulsa. In LA and New York? Those are Sack Cities, brother.”

What the hell can you do with a sack?

“What can’t you do? I like to press sack against the funny pages and read Beetle Bailey off my nuts.”

You’re talking about Silly Putty.

“Da. Talk is silly.”

“Ah, shit.”

“Putin hears you have changed lifestyles.”

“I’m exploring my options and sexuality in this new and free world.”

“Da. Come dance for Putin.”

“What? No.”

“Shake it, Little Potato. Shake for Daddy.”

“Do not call yourself that.”

“You vill be oligarch of my dong.”

“What does that even mean?”

“Putin vill buy his tvink many shiny objects. Tvinks love shiny.”

“I don’t want any…what did you call me?”

“Tvink. You are very young compared to Putin.”

…

“Hey, there.”

Dude! You are so fucking needy.

“He called me young!”

Compared to. He said you were young compared to. Literally the same thing I said.

“You didn’t offer to buy me anything.”

Do what you want.