Mayer And Son

You’re just gonna take that?

“Take what?”

The kid’s dominating you.

“He’s not.”

He’s looming over you like Batman standing over a piss trough.

“Weird analogy.”

You’re the piss trough.

“I got it, but it’s still unpleasant.”

Why are you seated?

“Want to.”

Uh-huh. Trick knee acting up?

“I don’t have a trick knee.”

It gets all achy when it rains. It’s okay, Josh.

“Don’t call me that.”

Sir?

“DON’T CALL ME…I see what you’re doing, and it’s not right. I’m not old.”

41 in a few months. How’s your bird?

“My what?”

Your tool. Your schvantz. Your pecker.

“It’s fine. He’s great.”

Can you still hang a towel off your boner?

“I haven’t tried in a while.”

DON’T YOU LIE TO ME, FUCKER.

“It stays on if I keep my butt clenched up.”

Yeah, see, that’s the first sign. Bird loses its feathers.

“Dude, don’t worry about me. I’m still young, I’m still hot, I’m still banging pop stars.”

Who now?

“Camilla Cabello. Very sexy.”

How old is she?

“She’s very mature.”

Uh-huh. Lemme ask you something.

“Shoot.”

Does she remember Aretha Franklin?

“I’m sure she’s aware of Aretha.”

Can you dance together?

“I see what you’re doing.”

Can you talk at all?

“Stop it.”

Dude, you’re literally a Steely Dan song. I don’t know any surer sign that a white man is getting older than becoming a Steely Dan lyric. Maybe becoming a Paul Simon lyric.

“None of what you’re saying is true. I’m content with my age, and I am as young as ever. I appeal to the youth market.”

CELL PHONE NOISE

“What!? What did I say?”

Nothing. I just wanna wrap this up.

“Asshole.”

…

“The very young John Mayer.”

“One month, Hot Dog Dick!”

“Goddammit.”

“Whole world come to Only Korea. Watch Kim Jong-Un dunk balls in Kim Jong Don’s ass-mouth.”

“I don’t think the meeting’s gonna happen. Wait. ‘Kim Jong-Don?'”

“Is new rule. Everyone named Kim Jong now. You should be Kim Jong-Little Potato, but I let you slide because we bros.”

“Thank you.”

“Call you Hot Dog Dick”

“Y’know, maybe I’ll start making up nicknames for you.”

“Huh. Okay. And maybe someone throw radioactive acid in your face next time you in airport.”

“Kim Jong-Un it is.”

“You like hat?”

“Eh.”

“Is no fedora. Is trilby.”

“I know.”

“People get wrong. Look sexy with hat. Chicks dig. You come to summit in June. We do like you and Chapelle.”

“What?”

“During meeting. You bring guitar. Jam while talk. Respond to conversation with musical emphases.”

“No.”

“Father invent Dave Chapelle.”

“He didn’t. I have to go.”

“Hot Dog Dick, why you no tell me you have twink?”

“He’s not my twink. He’s my friend.”

“You should fuck. Kim Jong Un not gay, but Kim Jong Un would destroy.”

“I’m hanging up.”

“He no walk right after me.”

DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES DO NOT DO THAT ANY MORE

“I officially want out of this website.”

Fuck, no. Summer tour’s coming up. If anything, your part will be expanding.”

“Goddammit.”