Men Of The People

Hey, Bobby. Whatcha doing?

“Well, judging from the sign, I’m waiting on my spring rolls.”

Nice that you’re not letting unfounded and racist fears about the coronavirus affect your eating habits.

“Let’s not turn a pandemic into a moo goo gai pandemic.”

I have no idea what that means.

“It means that the Chinese character for crisis is the same as for For sale, baby shoes, never worn.”

I don’t know Mandarin, but that’s not true.

CELL PHONE NOISE

“Gonna take this. Might be Johnny Depp.”

You know Johnny Depp?

“I was just in Miami.”

…

“Weir here.”

“Weir! I need you immediately! And your country needs you.”

“Is this Bernadette Peters?”

“It’s your President.”

“Very similar voices.”

“You, son. You’re the only one who can help me save America.”

“From whom?”

“Americans.”

“Ah.”

“Lincoln said it. No foreign interloper could ever step foot on our soil. Our great oceans prevent this, you see. Only we, ourselves, might bring about our own doom. I believed our end would come via the hippie, the communist, the psychiatrist. I, uh, employ the term ‘psychiatrist’ as a placeholder for another group.”

“The White Sox?”

“The Jews, Bob.”

“Ah.”

“But Nixon has learned, strategized, rethought. A politician must calibrate. Never losing sight of his core principles, of course, but a man without his eye on the ball is a man soon out of the league. Here, we must side with the Hebrews.”

“Okay.”

“It’s Biden. The decrepit wretch isn’t fit for public display any longer. Sentences are beyond him, let alone paragraphs. He fumfers, he flails. You mark my words: that man is going to take it out. He’s going to become disoriented, and out will come the meat. I’ve seen that look. Muskie had it, and then he took it out. The Democrats covered it up, but these aren’t those days. Too many cameras around.”

“Oh, yeah. We have to give Billy the camera talk before each tour.”

“It’s bad business, that. The mind gets loose. Biden’s already white-knuckling it. The pressure of the general will do him in by July.”

“The road’s not for everyone.”

“You’re much wiser than your facial hair suggests. Come and get me, son. The country needs Nixon.”